Our Journey Part Dos

This is the hashtag that I'm using to document my journey to our second baby. I had so many installations with Nash, I dont have the energy to do all of that again, so there is significantly less information I'm posting.

Steps so far in our journey:

3 IUIs that all failed in 2018 and having to stop trying when we found out I needed surgery.
Surgery.
Shots, shots, and more shots--too many follicles. Cancled cycle. Many tears.
Shots, shots, and more shots--no follicles. Canceled cycle. Many more tears.
Shots, shots, and more shots--2 follicles. IUI. Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

More waiting.

Sick with worry. Panic. Major Anxiety.

Craptastic

What a title for my post, eh?

Well...today was crap-tastic. Truly a horrible day.

It started when Nash would NOT get moving and we were a little late for school.

Then it got worse when I went to get in to my car only to find that it had been broken into...and we had a few things stolen.

So Nash was 20 minutes late to school, my car had been vandalized, and I had to file a police report.

Then I went to get Randy out of bed, only to have his wheelchair not lock, causing me to lower him to the ground and find a round about way of getting him back up and out of his room.

Nice.

Jace texted me. He was turned down for the promotion he was up for (and really deserves).

Wonderful.

Then I was off to get a pedicure that I've literally been planning for a year. My mom gave me $ for Mothers day to do it, but every time I went to go, I hit something and broke off huge pieces of my nail.

I waited for an hour...only to realize that I wasnt going to be able to get it done because I needed to pick Nash up from school.

So Nash was 20 minutes late to school, my car had been vandalized, I filed a police report, basically dropped my 40 year old brother, found out my husband didnt get his promotion, and spent an hour trying to get a pedicure that didnt happen.

I had 20 minutes, so I went to Frys to get a few groceries. The line took a million years. I got to my car when Nashs school got out. So I was going to be late in picking him up. ::facepalm::

I picked Nash up and went home to put away our groceries. I noticed that the fridge seemed a little warm. I tried drinking some milk....which I spit out and dumped out immediately.

SO...Nash was 20 minutes late to school, my car had been vandalized, I filed a police report, basically dropped my 40 year old brother, found out my husband didnt get his promotion, spent an hour trying to get a pedicure that didnt happen, took too long at the grocery store and picked nash up late from school, AND discovered my fridge was going out.

We had the motor fixed on this older fridge that came with the house a few years ago. We knew we were on borrowed time. We just didnt realize how fast the payment was going to be due.

I went back to my parents house to put nash down for a nap so I could get some work done. I was seriously behind in my editing. While I was putting him down in the dark room, i hit my foot on a chair and (if you can believe it) broke my big toe nail.

THATS RIGHT ladies and gentlemen....the whole reason I was supposed to have the freaking pedicure today.

We went to pick out a new fridge. We were planning on buying one with our tax return this next spring (cash) because we have worked so hard at getting debt paid down. This summer we paid off 3 credit cards. Now, we will be the proud new owners of a fridge that works...and have one of those credit cards back in rotation.

SO...Nash was 20 minutes late to school, my car had been vandalized, I filed a police report, basically dropped my 40 year old brother, found out my husband didnt get his promotion, spent an hour trying to get a pedicure that didnt happen, took too long at the grocery store and picked nash up late from school, discovered my fridge was going out, broke my big toe nail, AND bought a fridge that made us use a credit card we didnt want to use.

OH AND CHERRY ON TOP--we went back to the car to leave and someone had put a stinking target card that locked up behind our vehicle that jace and I both had to pick up to move out of the way.


Seriously. One of the more craptastic days of my life.

Heart

Tonight my heart hurts and my eyes brim with tears.

I am longing for another little one to join our family.

I cry while holding my Nash...he is getting so big, so grown up, so fast.

I feel that I am not done having children.

I fear that my window is closing.

I long for the day that I can give Nash a sibling. He would love that so much. A buddy.

Infertility is the worst.

A series of Unfortunate Events

It started with an ache.

My forearm was throbbing a bit.

I didnt think anything of it and continued about my day. We went to the library, I played with Nash, I cleaned a little...nothing out of the ordinary. I had a photoshoot cancellation for the next day...bummer. 

Then the ache and throbbing slowly ran up my arm into my shoulder. I could no longer move my arm without immense pain. 

Weird, because I cant think of anything I might have done to cause this. Started to be glad for the photo shoot cancellation.

It was bad enough, that I couldn't put my car into gear...I couldn't lift my arm that high.

I went to my parents house, where I was given a Priesthood blessing and a sling.

I went home and putting Nash to bed took 3 times as long without the use of my right (dominant) arm.

I took Ibuprofen and waited for Jace to come home.

We stayed up way too late watching American Ninja Warrior...almost 1 AM.

In bed, I wasn't sure how I was going to sleep, my arm hurt.

After about an hour, I sat bolt upright with a new pain. A sharp pain. My back was on fire and it felt like pins and needles were in two different parts of my back.

I birthed a child, so this was not the worst pain I have felt. But I havent felt this kind of pain before. It was new and scary. 

Jace started rubbing my shoulder thinking I pinched a nerve, and thats when he noticed the welts.

He started tearing apart our bed while I was concentrating on my breathing.

And then he found the source of my new pain. An unwelcome guest. The evil scorpion himself.

A FREAKING SCORPION WAS IN MY BED, I HAD NO IDEA, AND I ROLLED OVER ON HIM AND HE FREAKING STUNG ME TWICE, AND I STILL HAD NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED!

I fear scorpions. Alot. I didnt grow up ever seeing one. Never knew what to experience. 

Pain. Pain is what you experience. Thankfully I didnt have an allergic reaction, so all I had to worry about was the pain.

Well, pain and now fear of my house and room. Every surface, every carpet, every tile in my home--is the exact color of the smooshed scorpion that Jace carried out on the bottom of his shoe.

I couldnt move. My back hurt so much, that I almost forgot that I could barely move my right arm. ALMOST. 

I sat up, on the edge of my couch, messaging my other photoshoot client that I wouldnt be able to do their shoot that afternoon, and watching pointless shows until 7 AM. Then I slowly made my way into my room and tried to sleep. 10-15 minute increments were all I could do. Nash was up for the day before 8 (poor Jace). We have season tickets for tonights Dbacks game. Will I be able to go? I dont know. 

One thing I do know? In less than 24 hours i became unable to use my right arm, lost 2 clients (until i reschedule), and rolled over on a scorpion that caused me to not sleep and be in pain.

This now ends Andrea's saga of unfortunate events of last night.

What I know

So, I wouldn't call myself an expert on anything.

I've done lots of things.

Lots of things well, and lots of things not so well.

I've learned lots.

One thing I know well (that I wish I didn't) is the horrible-ness of cancer.

When I was 5, my grandpa who I idolized, died of prostate cancer.

When I was 13, my aunt died of pancreatic cancer.

When I was 19, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She went from stage one pre-surgery to almost a stage 4 after (ended up stage 3). She almost died. She then tested positive for the ovarian cancer gene. So she had a hysterectomy so that wouldn't take her life.

When I was 22, my uncle died of cancer that was caught too late and had metastasized to his bones.

At 26, I got tested and tested positive for the same cancer gene that my mom did.

What I'm saying, is (and this is just my close family.)..cancer is a beast that is relentless.

I learned: how to be strong, when you feel weak.

I learned: how to pick up and keep going, when you feel like falling apart.

I learned: how to cope with the feeling of loss.

I learned: what it was like to watch your parent go through something that basically was killing them, in order for them to live to see you into adulthood.

I learned: to rely on faith. To drink in the hopes and prayers of others.

I watched my mother have surgery after surgery, have a double mastectomy, receive a port to have chemo, do 6 months of chemo, do weeks and weeks of radiation therapy, lose her hair, stay in bed because she was so sick, I've seen her worry and stress about "what if" something happened to her--what would happen to her kids.

I've come to know a thing or two about cancer.

Its a monster. 

Jace's oldest brother Jeff had cancer when he was a toddler. Well, we found out today that the monster has returned. This time its residing around his colon. Jeff has colon cancer. He'll go in for surgery next week, and then have 6 months of chemo (i don't know about radiation), and then another surgery later to reattach his bowels. 

This, to me, unfortunately feels routine. No one should ever feel that way about something so horrible.

But here is what I know:

God is real.

God is good.

God loves us.

The power of prayer is real.

Faith of others can carry you through.

Hope is the best medicine.

Laughter will be tough to find, but crucial.

It is OKAY to be scared.

It is OKAY to cry.

It is OKAY to worry.

And its OKAY to express how you are really feeling.

Are you down in the dumps? Does that moment in time "suck"? Say it. Are you so tired of puking your guts out and cant stand your bathroom anymore? SCREAM IT. Are you worried about your future? Voice it. 

The Lord will hear you. He will guide you. He will carry you through.

THIS is what I know.

Jace

So back at the end of March, Jace had a scary experience.

He had blood in his urine.

We rushed him to the doctor, who was worried, and sent him to get an ultrasound the next day.

The ultrasound results came that afternoon from the doctor (unheard of in my experience) saying they found a mass on one of his kidneys.

Jace was to get a CT scan, but couldnt get in for a few days.

Pretty scary when you think you have cancer.

Our doctors assistant wasnt okay with that and personally called around to get him in THAT day somewhere.

She was amazing.

So Jace went.

And our doctor personally called Jace that evening after business hours (from his car, no less!) to say that the CT scan didnt show any cancer.

Whew.

We went in a few days later to discuss (follow up) with our doctor. He explained what they saw on the ultrasound and what they saw in the CT. Apparently Jace's kidney is odd and is thicker than normal (his mom has weird shaped kidneys, so it must be genetic) and that is what the ultrasound picked up but couldnt distinguish. However, there was still the blood in the urine thing that was troublesome.

So off to a urologist we went. We had our initial meeting and scheduled a scope. That would check the bladder, the prostate, and the urethra making sure there was no cancer anywhere.

To say Jace was not excited about this would be putting it mildly.

He went in at the end of April, had the procedure, and we have received news.

THERE IS NO CANCER.

(lets take a minute and thank Heavenly Father for this blessing)

Best guess of the cause of bleeding is that Jace passed a kidney stone and didnt realize it.

So there you go. Jace's cancer scare of 2017.
Lets not do that again, okay?

Rant.

I only have 5 minutes until my pasta is done cooking....

so that's all the time I'm going to allow for this rant.

There was something on Facebook today that irked me. A LOT.

Someone made a joke about "beavers" and everyone went OFF on how hilarious it is...yatta yatta.

If you don't know, apparently people use the word beaver when talking about vaginas.

Stupid.

But there were over 30 comments on how hilarious it is, and how it makes them laugh. One talked about How I Met Your Mother. They have an entire episode dedicated to it, and because Robin is Canadian she is furious that they make it to be dirty (because the national animal of Canada is the beaver). But the "longer or more you watch it the funnier it is!!" and this is what the girls said. "I know a lot of LDS people don't like it because of the porn references but if you can look past it, it is a hilarious show".

Jace and I watched HIMYM all seasons...multiple times. We owned all the disks. Then i found out about Jace's porn addiction. Guess what? It was instantly NOT acceptable to "look past" that garbage. All our HIMYM seasons were broken and THROWN away. They were not welcome in my home and I couldn't bear the thought of sending that garbage into someone else's.

The problem with our society now is that we take things that are totally not acceptable and make them acceptable. Movies with vulgar language--we say, well it has 2 or 3 of these words, but other than that its a good movie! Shows or movies with sexually explicit or incredibly suggestive content-- we say, well if you can look past it, its great! Even restaurants are in-cringing on what is acceptable. Hooters--obviously. The tilted kilt--i just watched an undercover boss episode and the CEO was saying the outfits the girls wear are PG13 max, and he wants it to be a family pub. The girls wore a BRA with a cropped sleeve thing, complete trunk (from breasts to below navel) showing and mini skirts.

None of these things should be allowed. The porn industry has crept into every single thing. If we don't take a stance, where does that leave us?

One thing I need to get out there...you shouldn't have to "look past" something if it goes against what you believe should be, when it comes to entertainment or the like. To everyone who thinks its just jokes and "just porn" (that's what a lot of people say, by the way)--ITS NOT. Its ruining people. Its ruining families. Its ruining lives.

God's timing

My oldest brother Randy has been in the ICU for over 3 weeks.

The last I had written here on my blog was that his kidneys seemed to be shutting down.

When we got the news that Randy might have to go on dialysis and that would probably mean that Randy's time here on Earth would be coming to an end, I dropped to my knees and started pleading with Heavenly Father to make Randy well enough to stay with us. 

I have to say, I dont know what I would do without my Heavenly Father. I truly believe that He hears our prayers. He listens, He cares. 

Others who love us and Randy started praying for him. Clients of mine that I am friends with now, were sending me their love and prayers for him. We had a cousin who immediately said his family would fast and pray for Randy. 

My brothers and I loaded up and went to the hospital to spend some time as our original family of 6 there in ICU. The boys gave Randy a Priesthood blessing. It was nice to be there all together, even though it was in a tiny, cramped ICU room in very scary and unfortunate circumstances.

Randy's kidneys started working better the next day and he did not have to go on dialysis.

Then Randy went through a roller coaster of health issues. One day his breathing was a bit better and they lowered his oxygen down and were talking about taking out his breathing tube. The next day they cranked his oxygen back up since he was having trouble breathing and then he spiked a 104 degree fever! This poor guy.

Sidenote: my mom (mostly) has spent all day and night, EVERY DAY AND NIGHT at the hospital on a horrible little chair that you sit up in. She has been amazing.

Well, since Randy's breathing was still so bad, they decided that they needed to do a tracheotomy. :( That is a forever decision, however, it might help us in the future with problems such as colds or pneumonia. So he had the surgery. With that comes a whole new set of obstacles. He has always been total care, but this is so much more involved. If Randy got well enough to leave ICU he was going to need to be transferred to a rehab facility where my parents would learn how to take care of him and his trach. My mother went to tour one, one day. Not only do they not cater to total care special needs individuals, they dont have physicians oversee them everyday, and they dont allow anyone to spend the night. That obviously wouldnt work for us. 

There was a program there in the hospital that Randy is currently in. And it seems to be the best solution. Randy's doctors would come in everyday and monitor his care. He would be right there in the hospital if something were to happen or go wrong. And one of our family can be in the room with him. But the insurance required 21 days in the hospital and on a ventilator before he could qualify. Well, wouldnt you know, Randy just so happened to be on a ventilator and in ICU for 3 weeks and a couple days. He now qualified.

God's timing you guys. What if, all of this, went on just long enough to get Randy into the correct program to help him have the best care? 

Well, I dont question 'what if'...because I KNOW that Heavenly Father is looking out for Randy.

As of yesterday, Randy has been moved to that facility there in the hospital. He is out of ICU!! He is still on the ventilator, and I have no idea how long he will be in there before he can come home, but they have taken the next step!! Hopefully soon, we can get him and my mom home for good and settle into our new 'normal'. 

We sure miss him.

Thank you everyone who has reached out, expressed love and concern, and especially offering up prayers on our behalf. We have felt them. 

Drowning

Not many people know this about me, but one of my most absolute fears is drowning.

Its always been weird to me, since i grew up in the water. I've always been a strong swimmer and so comfortable there. I used to pretend i was a mermaid since my mom always called me her fish.

But ever since I can remember, some of my worst dreams have revolved around me being in a lake or ocean and drowning. 

As an adult I've tried to analyze this a little, what this means for me. 

Honestly I think I fear "drowning" in the whole sense of the word. 

Have you ever felt like work kept piling up around you and you were "drowning in work"?

Have you ever felt like you over-scheduled your vacation and you were so busy running around that you forgot to enjoy the vacation?

Have you ever just been so consumed with what was going on in your life and the unknown of WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN that you felt like you were just "surviving"??

I call this drowning in my own head.

I feel like I'm in that lake or ocean, paddling along and the water keeps getting higher. The current starts pulling at me more, and I am getting exhausted.

I have overloaded myself a bit when it came to scheduling out my work schedule. I have spent so many hours talking back and forth with perspective clients, running out to photo shoots, coming home and editing...that thinking about it hurts my head. Plus, i've been putting that first lately, instead of my son. I'm not okay with that. My starting this business was to help earn an income for my family as well as to use it as a creative outlet since its a joy and passion of mine. It was never supposed to be full time or take me away so much from my child. I think I need to reevaluate things.

My brother went from being admitted to the hospital with pneumonia, to moved to ICU for a week, to being intubated twice to help him breathe, to his kidneys stopping working to where they are now discussing putting him on dialysis. If Randy goes on dialysis and it doesnt work...then they are basically saying we need to prepare for the worst. 

My mom and dad need to make some hard decisions.

I am quite literally having to think about my big brother dying. 

That has always been a reality for us, with his special needs...but we never have dwelt on it long. The thought of him not being around wasn't okay with us, we refused to think that way if we could have him longer. 

Yesterday was such a hard day. 

This morning it seems his urine output is doing better and his blood pressure is up a little since they are weaning him off his sedation. If this continues, then as far as dialysis--it wont be necessary. However, since they intubated him again, more than likely they will put a trake in, and he will have that for the rest of his life. 

But see, even thinking like that is getting ahead of myself. We aren't allowed to think more than one day at a time, because everything could change quickly. 

Life is crazy. 

And I'm talking about feeling like I'm drowning in my head. 

...Maybe I'M crazy.  

Everything is (not) going to be okay.

My mantra for today.

A little destructive and not helpful I know.

I swear though. When it rains it pours.

Jace went to donate plasma the other day. My brother does it for a little (alot) of extra spending money. We thought that would be an easy way to earn a few hundred extra dollars a month. Turns out Jace's blood was so fatty they couldnt put it back into the machine to give back to him. He's not allowed to go back for 2 months...he came home so lightheaded and sick and almost passed out on me.

That same night, Wells Fargo released news amidst the lovely multi million dollar payout, that they would no longer be doing sales. My husband is a manager over tellers...his job is to instruct them to sell. He no longer knows what his job entails and what this means for his future.

My business slowed WAY WAY down. I was on fire the months of July and August and now...nothing. I know that eventually it will even out...or at least I hope it does.

But boy. I'm feeling like a failure. And at the moment it doesnt feel like its all going to be okay.

I leave you a few pictures of the only bright spot in my week so far:

Triggers and Overload

I havent talked about Jace's addiction recovery or mine for that matter for awhile.

its not that i have a hard time talking about it, but most people cant really understand. 

That makes it difficult.

Jace is doing well with his sobriety. I dont know how many days he has for sure, but I know its been a few months. We are getting better at doing the little things that will help keep our marriage alive. Not great, but its a work in progress. We havent seen our therapist in a while now, we've been so busy with our work, Nash, and then family vacations that there hasnt seemed to be time. Which isnt good. The more we are away from therapy/meetings/sponsors the harder it is to continue to fight this toxic thing.

I find myself getting triggered with conversations of others. 

I'm tired of how the world has warped peoples thinking. I'm tired of family members not really understanding the severity of Jace's addiction and what that means to our marriage/family. No one takes it as an actual problem. People have rolled their eyes when we say that Jace has a Pornography addiction...like its not a real thing.

I'm tired of people thinking that its okay to dress immodestly, skimpily, heavily altered...because I know for a fact that they are helping cause a problem for those in addiction. I'm tired of people being okay with that--and judging YOU if you disagree! My gosh. I dont want to be looking at your butt, your breasts, or your stomach, And I sure as heck dont want my husband WHO IS IN RECOVERY, looking at you either, making it difficult for him to remain in a good mindset.

Your 14 year old should not look like she is 20, with her padded bras, plastic surgery, makeup, and too grown up clothes.

 I'm sick of celebrities dressing (ha!) in nothing. Christina Agularia? I no longer will watch the Voice because she dresses so skimpily and has her breasts hanging out. In my mind, she looks alot like the prostitutes on "Pretty Woman".

I'm in the fashion/beauty industry as a cosmetologist...and I now hate it. I had magazine subscriptions for my clients, but I've now canceled them. I allowed soft core porn (in some cases) and garbage into my home where my addict husband lives!! Where my son is. I paid for it! UGH. I followed a bunch of stylists on Instagram and Facebook to keep up to date on styles and trends to stay in the game. I unfollowed them. They were showing great work on the head of the client, while the body of the client was scantily dressed.

 I'm tired of all the soft core porn out there (or not so soft) in the image of books or movies or magazines. (Game of Thrones, 50 Shades of Grey, etc)

Recently, I found myself in the middle of conversations (just listening) and almost every single one was making my pistons fire..."trigger, trigger, WHOA i dont agree with that...trigger." I had to remove myself multiple times. I finally got overloaded. I exploded my feelings on my husband and sobbed. 

I'm tired of the world we live in, and that it is just SO HARD. I'm tired of not feeling like there is enough support, especially in regards to Pornography Addictions. 

Its a real thing people. Its not okay. Its damaging. Its life altering--and not in a good way. Betrayal trauma is real. Its damaging, life altering, unpredictable, and scary. 

We all need to stand up and take back the world we live in. Satan has too firm a grasp on things and we've become desensitized. Enough is enough. No more.

Right now.

Oh boy.

I'm not the most eloquent person. I'm not a professional writer. This blog doesn't make money. I write here for 2 reasons: as a part of therapy, a way to get my emotions out; and as a way to journal my life. I have hand written journals, but the computer is a much faster way for me to say what I want to say. I dont only document happy moments...because life isn't made up of just happy moments. I want anyone who reads this to understand something...my life is hard right now. I'm well aware of that. But I do try to find multiple moments of happiness daily. My life is hard, but its my life. And my life is a gift from God and I'm going to do my best to be appreciative of that gift.

Since learning of Jace's addiction a year ago (this week)...my life completely changed. I dont know how to explain it properly, especially to people who haven't experienced this kind of betrayal trauma or to people who dont understand how utterly devastating a pornography addiction is.

You would be surprised to know that most people think that us wives of pornography addicts (WOPAs) are crazy, emotional, unstable, stupid, ridiculous, etc. etc. etc. The world has normalized porn. Its a joke to people, that people would be upset by it. People don't think that its an actual addiction. Anyone who thinks this way is so beyond wrong. Study after study is showing how harmful a pornography addiction is now...TIME magazine just did a whole spread on it. It got brought up on the view recently, and in the news with Utah's governor signing a new resolution: " Utah Gov. Gary Herbert will sign a resolution declaring pornography a "public health crisis" at the Utah state capitol today.The resolution was introduced by Republican state Senator Todd Weiler in January 2015, to battle the “pornography epidemic harming” the state and the country."--that was from USA today.

USA today article

I'm not going to get into jace's addiction...maybe one day if he's comfortable I'll have him write a post. But I'm going to re-itterate that the addiction started WAY before me. However, with the discovery of the addiction...it completely changes...everything. I mean, our entire marriage, our entire relationship was built on lies, upon lies, upon lies. Jace was cheating on me with images and videos and what have you. Hearing that...realizing what was going on in your own home behind your back... it makes you feel stupid. Dirty. Angry. Worthless.

My married life up to this point was a lie...and now my future is unclear. Where there once was a general outline (nothing too stable, because life has a way of not working how you thought ie:infertility) now there was NOTHING. My husband was a stranger to me. The foundation I thought we had built upon was condemned and torn down. We started rebuilding and then he relapsed and that foundation crumbled again. Its been 2 months now. And last week Jace told me that he acted out, very purposefully, and had been lying to me (lie of omission) for 3 weeks. 

I am in a state of shock. My life is in a state of flux. Jace has to make a very important decision: its the addiction or your family. You fight for us. You fight even if it kills you, to keep us. Or you let us go. Both are hard and scary pills to swallow. 

My life was not supposed to be this way. I was supposed to find a man who actually REALLY loved me...who would treat me as his queen. I would be faithful, loyal, and loving. I was to become a mother and raise my children to be God-fearing, serviceable people. I was to be happy.

Right now...all of that feels unobtainable. My mother told me the other day that there is a time and a season for everyone. My time, right now, is to go through this horrific trial. My bishop called it a trial of faith. I'm working really hard to find the good that is floating in the junk...but its a daily struggle. 

Right now...i'm surviving. That's literally all I can say. I take care of Nash all day (who is so energetic and tiring, but also sweet and cute and my miracle in all of this), and I take care of my business and our finances. However, my anxiety comes rearing most days and I feel stuck. I stare at my messy house...all the toys that Nash gets out and we play with, the cups of water he spills everywhere because he has to be independent, the dishes that are piled nice and high in my sink because standing at the sink doing them while my child is making a mess unsupervised churns my stomach (last time i did that he drew all over my kitchen floor with a crayon)...I cant find the motivation to do anything. At night, i struggle to sleep...my husband and I are still separated and I'm alone...then I'm plagued with thoughts and horrible dreams in relation to his addiction. If i'm lucky, my son will sleep, but lately he's been sick so i'm up multiple times a night with him and then up early for the day. 

Its hard to see my future right now. The 'right now' is a hard place to be in...because my 'right now' is not necessarily happy. But I hope and pray with all my might that my 'right now' will run its course and I get to move past it into my future. Oh my, how I pray for that day.

Shattered Sight

**WARNING. THIS POST IS VERY REAL. IT CONTAINS VERY FRAGILE FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS. IT MIGHT "TRIGGER" SOME OF YOU, AND IF THAT IS THE CASE, PLEASE STOP READING.**


There was a once upon a time episode that had a spell called "shattered sight". The spell was to bring out the worst in you so you destroyed one another; even (or especially) the people you loved. Sounds silly to bring up, but there is a reason I did. 

This is a hard post for me to write. Much harder than writing the post about the antidepressants i was on, or my infertility posts. Since this is the internet, i'm never sure how much to share or not. I use this as my journal so I feel the need to write. Maybe its because i'm meant to help someone else...or maybe this will be a step for healing for me. I hope that I eventually end up posting this. Maybe I'll chicken out. In case I do post this, this was written February 16th 2016.

My name is Andrea and my husband is a porn addict.

**sidenote for anyone reading that may be getting "up in my grill" about posting this...I asked my husband and he gave me permission. If you dont want to read it, then stop now and please dont leave me angry comments. Thank you.**

I found out last April, right after we moved into our new home. I've alluded to the fact that I was going through tough things, that my husband had an addiction. Well, there it is. A porn addiction.

My world was shattered. I never in a million years would have guessed that Jace was living a double life. I would never have guessed that Satan had taken hold of Jace and that Jace was lying to me and bringing vile things into our home. However, the longer we were married, the more distant or angry Jace would become. He told me a few times that it was my fault that he was angry and that I was smothering him. Now I know that he felt extreme guilt over what he had been doing and I was a reminder of that--so he resented me for it. Isnt that ironic? I do want to include that Jace was not promiscuous with other women in person (there was no physical cheating).

I found out on a Sunday afternoon while we were watching a stupid TV show. They mentioned porn and I, confidently, said that I didn't have to worry about that. Jace was quiet. I pressed. and pressed and pressed and then got very upset with his evasiveness. Finally, he admitted that he had had a pornography addiction since he was a young teenager. He struggled with masturbation as well. He continued it after the mission, after our temple marriage, through my fertility struggle, and still after Nash was born and we moved into our new home. :(

So much finally made sense. Why he would act a certain way, or a respond a certain way in the past and present. Why he was so isolated and angry. Why he did this or that. Pieces to the puzzle fell into place. And I was crushed. Those first 3 months were HARD. And by hard, i mean truly awful and painful. My heart was literally shattered. Jace spent 2 months on the couch. He started the church's 90 day recovery program, weekly SA meetings, and weekly meetings with his sponsor. He and I both went to see a therapist. It was good in the sense that Jace finally, after more than half of his life, opened up about things and how this addiction started. The program was wonderful because it made him evaluate himself on a daily basis. HE WAS TRYING. And that made a huge difference for me. Seeing him try made me feel like we could get through this together.

It had taken 8 months, but I finally felt my trust in him restoring. I had stopped worrying about what he was looking at on his phone, I wasn't pestering him about writing in his journal or making him talk to his sponsor. I had stopped crying myself to sleep MONTHS ago. We finally were at a place that we started talking about having another baby.

And then today happened. 

I had a good day. I got up early, took care of Nash, got dressed, did my hair and makeup and went visiting teaching. I came home and Jace was needlessly angry when I asked him why he did something they way he did it. (Granted, i approached it from an agitated stance than necessary). He yelled at me, I got angry and frustrated and so I decided to load Nash up and run some errands to give him space and BONUS, get things accomplished. I came home and Jace was doing yard work, so I took care of the groceries and Nash, and then started cleaning the house. Then Jace pulled me outside to talk.

He relapsed while Nash and I left the house today.

........WHAT?

I'm going through so many up and down emotions. 

I'm sorry for him. I'm sorry he has let Satan get a hold on him. I'm sorry that he threw away almost a YEAR of sobriety. I'm sorry for Nash.

 I'm sorry Nash has to have this as part of his life at so young of an age. I'm sorry Nash sees us yelling at one another, and I'm sorry Nash sees me cry so much. He doesn't understand it, and comes up to me crying while I'm crying and asks if I'm okay. Which makes me feel awful.

I feel worthless. I feel like Jace is choosing THAT life, a FAKE life, a life of pain and seclusion over me. I feel not good enough. I feel dirty. I feel a little lost. I feel angry. I feel lonely, empty, and discouraged. I feel sad and heartbroken the most though.

This relapse hurts more than the initial disclosure did. I thought long and hard about it and I figured out why. Last April when I first found out, I knew that he had had the problem LONG before he met me. Once I found out, I was devastated, understandably, but we made a promise to work on it together. And we did. We jumped through the hoops, crawled through the muck, and were on the same path--a good path. When he made the conscious decision to relapse, he broke my heart wide open. To me that said that my help wasnt enough, my support wasnt enough....I WASNT ENOUGH. He promised me things, and then broke those. For instant gratification that produced immense pain, guilt, anger, and shame. 

I don't know where we are going from here. I do know of 3 things. I absolutely, without question, HATE this vile, evil thing that has been brought into my life and home; I am fed up with the world and how commonplace and acceptable they have made pornography and masturbation. I dont have patience for inappropriate jokes and innuendos anymore. I hate the video game industry for the slutty graphic images and vulgar language; and I will do EVERYTHING in my power to provide knowledge and safety for Nash when it comes to pornography.

I will get through this.
I will protect myself and my family.
I will not let Satan win.

The extra help

So, awhile back I wrote a post about how I felt like I was failing at my life--about how I needed help.

 (Read about that here)

Last year in August, I went in to my doctor to discuss the possibility that I had Postpartum Depression. It was not something that I discussed with anyone other than my husband, my mother, and my doctor. I was embarrassed. Good grief, how many new moms were able to handle their new baby and new lives and not need MEDICATION. How many moms were bring home baby #4 and cruising through their life. They were able to have it together, why WHY couldnt I?

I was not depressed in the sense of I couldnt get out of bed, or I stayed in my pajamas all day (which I dont find all that wrong anyway!). I stayed on top of all our doctor appointments for Nash and me. I still had high blood pressure and was seeing a cardiologist. Nash was is his pediatricians office more times than I could count. We also were seeing a gastrointestinal specialist, his PA, a neurologist, and even had an emergency visit to the hospital. 

All of that time, I was only sleeping about 4 hours at night-- and it was interrupted sleep at that. Nash didnt nap. I never got any down time--or time I wasnt having to hold my sad screaming colicky baby. My cleaning of the house, doing laundry, making meals...all of that started falling through the cracks. I was losing my mind. I felt like a bad wife and homemaker...I was angry all the time at my husband because he never ONCE reached out to help me. He slept on at night, instead of taking one feeding like I begged him to. Resentment started building up. I felt like I wasnt cut out to be a mother. This is what I wanted for my entire life and I was failing at it! 

My son was sick, and I was sad and mad all the time. 

My mom is the one who suggested I go talk to my doctor. 

I had to take a "test" to see what kind of depression we were talking about.

He agreed that I had postpartum depression on a mild scale. He suggested an anti-depressant.

Which...made me depressed. I couldnt believe I needed a medication to handle my life.

I took that medication religiously for a year.

 (the minimum time they suggest you be on a medication like that).

 My life seemed to be "evening out" some...

Nash was napping at least once a day for about an hour. He was sleeping about 5 hours at a time at night. He didnt need to held 24/7. We bought a new home that had lots of room for him to explore.

I was ready to get off that medicine.

And then I got news that shook my whole world. Everything I had been living was built around a horrible, dark, scary lie. I knew I needed that medication longer.

When I finally felt like I could try going off of it (about 2 months after the devastating news), my mother didnt want me to go off the anti-depressant. She was worried about me.

I decided to go for it anyways. I went in to my doctor and we both agreed to wean off it. One month I took half doses...things seemed to be fine...nothing out of the normal really. The next month I was off it completely. For the first 2 weeks, I felt totally normal. I was back to not getting alot of sleep though. Nash was experiencing night terrors as well as having 4 canines coming through at once.

 But I was feeling--okay.

The last 2 weeks have been SO up and down. I find myself feeling very down. Not as bad as it was in the beginning, but close. I feel like I'm failing at keeping all the balls in the air i'm trying to juggle. Being a good, interactive mom. Starting and promoting my new business. Keeping a tidy home. Making our meals. Keeping track of all appointments and bills. Trying to have a relationship with my husband. Embracing my new calling as laurel adviser and teaching every week with mutual every week as well. Everything has seemed to slip through my fingers at one point. 

AND THE CRYING.

Oh the crying. I can read a touching story. Watch a video clip of a dog. See my son learning something new. Watch property brothers. I START CRYING AT EVERYTHING. 

What is going on with me!??!

I was so confused. Apparently, there will be hormonal shifts as my body tries to adjust and go back to "normal". It could be months before I'm back to my old self. I knew that, but now I KNOW its gonna be awhile. 

I have been so grateful for that little "extra help"....the one I didnt know I needed.

The one that I feared people would shame me for.

Now without it, I realize what a help it actually was. I am grateful for modern medicine and doctors who care. I'm grateful for my mom for pushing me to go talk to my doctor. I'm grateful that Nash is doing better--enough that I feel sane. And I'm grateful for my mind and body...I'm grateful that I was able to create life and to carry that sweet boy, and that i'm doing my best in being the best mother I can be. I'm grateful to know that we can overcome obstacles. 

And that things are only "stigmas" if we let them be. 

Heavy Heart

2 weeks ago, Jace's cousin Dallin was in a bad accident.

He is a cowboy and was wrangling a cow...and he fell off his horse and then the horse rolled over him. He was finally life flighted to St. George Utah where he lay in a coma from a brain injury with 2 collapsed lungs, broken ribs, etc.

His wife of 2 years was at her baby shower in Northern Utah for their first baby due in January.

The doctors were able to re inflate the lungs, but the swelling of his brain made them uneasy. We received a text letting us know there was a possibility that he might never wake up. It was better for them to keep him sedated in the coma---hoping to allow the brain to heal.

His levels have been up and down over the last 2 weeks. Finally the neurologist said that he needed an MRI to check on the brain. The news was devastating. Dallin was brain dead. (I've gotten most of my information from my husband so those were his words). Dallin is an organ donor so they were going to take him off his medications and let things take their course while still keeping him on the ventilator (for his organs). The issue that they were concerned with is that his body may try to breathe on his own and then they couldn't do anything. He would be stuck in that vegetative state, not able to wake up.

I just got a text that Dallin's body is in fact trying to breathe, so they are taking him off the ventilator at 2 PM.

My heart aches for Aunt Tammy and Uncle Brad. Their other children Tiffany, Autumn, April, Logan, and Shaina. And mostly for his wife Carissa and their unborn child.

But even with a heavy heart---how grateful I am for the knowledge of eternal families. How wonderful to know that he is with our Heavenly Father---out of pain and away from suffering. Dallin will be a huge asset to Heaven, doing the work of our Lord. And you can bet that he will be his family's guardian angel--and that he will get to spend some time with his son in Heaven before he is born. Dear Hunt family, I love you.

"Peace. Be still."

If anyone would like to contribute to helping with medical costs and funeral costs :( Here is the link to the the gofundme account Dallin and Carissa

Deep within my soul

This is a hard post for me to write.

Honestly...this is one of the hardest things I have done to date.

I have wanted nothing more than to be a wife and mother.

And I feel like I have failed.

My darling little boy was born prematurely...but without complications that we knew of. That first month was excruciatingly hard as I got used to not sleeping, constant worry, and exclusively pumping. Then we hit Nash's due date.

And things changed. And not for the better.

All of the sudden he was sick. He wasnt pooping right. He spit up...ALOT. He constantly cried.

I thought it was just being a newborn baby and possibly being a preemie. I assumed he would grow out of it...because thats what everyone told me.

His pediatrician is an angel...he gave us non medication possible solutions to try. Apple juice to get his system going. That seemed to help some with the poop...but not the spit up or the crying. We were told that he had colic. And that colic goes away eventually.

Everyone and their mother who had a baby/knew a baby with colic reached out to us and told us that it was hard, but "there is a light at the end of the tunnel" "it will get better!" "keep smiling, it will work out".

Another couple months passed with everything being the same. Nash was put on Zantac and then Previcide to help with his re-flux. I wasnt sleeping at all. I didnt wake up my husband because he was working LONG LONG days. So if Nash got up for food, I warmed up milk, fed him, burped him, got him back to sleep, then I stayed up and pumped for a solid half hour if not more, then I would go to bed for maybe a half hour, and then have Nash wake up to eat again. But I kept thinking that "it would eventually end and there would be a light at the end of the tunnel".

Wrong. His crying got worse and he seemed to be in pain.

Our pediatrician agreed and referred us to a GI.

(it didnt help at this time that my nephew who is just 4 days older than nash--5 weeks developmentally-- was hitting all of these milestones. He was super happy and laughing. All my poor baby did was cry. I did alot of comparing that made my heart heavy)

We did a "poop test" and found that Nash had an allergy to my milk and needed to go on specialized formula. Which meant that I had just frozen about 800 ounces of useless breastmilk from countless painful hours of pumping. We did an upper GI ultrasound and a swallow test...which confirmed what we already knew--Nash had severe re-flux. We did a lower GI enema...normal.

I then dried up (worst experience) and had Nash switch to the Alimentum formula. It was a rough 2 weeks making the switch. But afterwards we felt it helped. With the previcide and the formula the spit up didnt seem to hurt although it was still bad. But the crying. Oh the crying.

The doctors kept saying it wasnt normal and something was wrong. The pediatricians agreed he needed his throat scoped. The GI said no.

Then it got bad.

During this time, my health was still not good. My blood pressure hasnt ever normalized after having preeclampsia and I'm on medication for that. I was off it for a few days and all of the bad symptoms of high blood pressure re-presented themselves. Bad headaches, nausea, irritability, swollen legs hands and feet, chest pains, shortness of breath. Stress brings on seizures or strokes in people with really high blood pressure and honestly...I havent ever felt this stressed.

 Nash had basically stopped sleeping and stopped eating. We were forcing an ounce every couple of hours. We were told to go to the ER immediately.

After IV fluids, our GI was consulted and said we were to go on the top formula there is for any type of allergies...it is $50 a can (that makes about 14 6 ounce bottles). We didnt know how we were to pay for it, but you do what you need to for your children.

He had been on that for awhile with his previcide and seemed to be thriving (weight wise). Constant crying still, constant spit up, and then refusal to nap during the day. He also stopped rolling over and stopped trying to sit up--which he had been doing.

We finally got in to see the nurse practitioner who works with the GI....she didnt have much to tell me.

Now to this month...we saw improvement for a few weeks. He started smiling again. He rolled over some. And then this week happened. His re-flux is at an all time high--after every burp and in between...the difference is that its really bothering him. He crys and crys and wont take anything in his mouth after a spit up. It takes us hours to get him asleep and we are lucky if he stays down for an hour. Its never longer than that. Sometimes its shorter. We saw our GI again...and he thinks its time for the scope now. However its still another month before we can get in for him to do it. And Nash is hurting.

And its hurting my heart.

I'm completely sleep deprived and totally on edge and worried all the time. My husband's and my relationship is strained.

I feel like a complete and total failure. I have no answers. There is no light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel--no one knows what to tell me to do to help him. I feel like I've worn my carpet out from kneeling in prayer asking for guidance, for stronger will, for knowledge and intuition. I once described to my mom that just when we would get over a hurdle, we would come to a hill. We climbed the hill, only to discover a pit. We are in the pit and trying to get out, but on the other side is a mountain. There is no end in sight for the despair I am feeling.

And then I came to the realization, that after being as strong as I could be for these almost 6 months that I'm not all that strong. I'm very weak and now after having said that out loud, the flood gates to my heart and the feelings of inadequacy have poured out. I realized deep within my soul that I might need help. That I might not have "it" together.

And thats very scary for me.