Craptastic

What a title for my post, eh?

Well...today was crap-tastic. Truly a horrible day.

It started when Nash would NOT get moving and we were a little late for school.

Then it got worse when I went to get in to my car only to find that it had been broken into...and we had a few things stolen.

So Nash was 20 minutes late to school, my car had been vandalized, and I had to file a police report.

Then I went to get Randy out of bed, only to have his wheelchair not lock, causing me to lower him to the ground and find a round about way of getting him back up and out of his room.

Nice.

Jace texted me. He was turned down for the promotion he was up for (and really deserves).

Wonderful.

Then I was off to get a pedicure that I've literally been planning for a year. My mom gave me $ for Mothers day to do it, but every time I went to go, I hit something and broke off huge pieces of my nail.

I waited for an hour...only to realize that I wasnt going to be able to get it done because I needed to pick Nash up from school.

So Nash was 20 minutes late to school, my car had been vandalized, I filed a police report, basically dropped my 40 year old brother, found out my husband didnt get his promotion, and spent an hour trying to get a pedicure that didnt happen.

I had 20 minutes, so I went to Frys to get a few groceries. The line took a million years. I got to my car when Nashs school got out. So I was going to be late in picking him up. ::facepalm::

I picked Nash up and went home to put away our groceries. I noticed that the fridge seemed a little warm. I tried drinking some milk....which I spit out and dumped out immediately.

SO...Nash was 20 minutes late to school, my car had been vandalized, I filed a police report, basically dropped my 40 year old brother, found out my husband didnt get his promotion, spent an hour trying to get a pedicure that didnt happen, took too long at the grocery store and picked nash up late from school, AND discovered my fridge was going out.

We had the motor fixed on this older fridge that came with the house a few years ago. We knew we were on borrowed time. We just didnt realize how fast the payment was going to be due.

I went back to my parents house to put nash down for a nap so I could get some work done. I was seriously behind in my editing. While I was putting him down in the dark room, i hit my foot on a chair and (if you can believe it) broke my big toe nail.

THATS RIGHT ladies and gentlemen....the whole reason I was supposed to have the freaking pedicure today.

We went to pick out a new fridge. We were planning on buying one with our tax return this next spring (cash) because we have worked so hard at getting debt paid down. This summer we paid off 3 credit cards. Now, we will be the proud new owners of a fridge that works...and have one of those credit cards back in rotation.

SO...Nash was 20 minutes late to school, my car had been vandalized, I filed a police report, basically dropped my 40 year old brother, found out my husband didnt get his promotion, spent an hour trying to get a pedicure that didnt happen, took too long at the grocery store and picked nash up late from school, discovered my fridge was going out, broke my big toe nail, AND bought a fridge that made us use a credit card we didnt want to use.

OH AND CHERRY ON TOP--we went back to the car to leave and someone had put a stinking target card that locked up behind our vehicle that jace and I both had to pick up to move out of the way.


Seriously. One of the more craptastic days of my life.

December already?

Today is the 3rd of December. I can honestly say that part of me cant believe it and another part feels like this was the longest year ever.

After going through fertility treatments and having to stop them midway through the year because of now needing surgery....its been a long 7 months. It doesnt help either that everyone I know has gotten pregnant in that time. I'm not even joking. My cousin has gotten pregnant twice now since i stopped treatment. she lost the first pregnancy early and now is pregnant with twins. i have 7 other friends announce their pregnancies in the last few months...and one is close to giving birth to her naturally conceived twins.

I've done my fair share of feeling pretty jealous if I'm being honest, and frustrated and angry that its not me. But I also havent dwelled on it. I'm feeling pretty proud about that. I allow myself to feel the feeling and work through it...normally takes a day or 2...and i've been able to let the anger go. I think that might be a small (large) miracle from God.

I've been pretty busy the last month mostly with my photography. I'm so blessed with so many returning clients and new clients as well! I also have alot of newborns that were born and are about to be born!

I was handling things so well too. I went and took nash to see santa already, we set up and did christmas card pictures, i got those ordered, AND sent out. My mom and I cooked the entire Thanksgiving meal and put it on this year. In November I had 30 photoshoots. I was staying up almost every night till 1 or 2 am to keep up on editing. I stopped biting my nails. Still going strong on that one. My house is decorated for Christmas and almost all of our outside lights are up. We got Christmas out of my parents basement and attic for them too.

I'M NOW SICK. Its all caught up to me. My face is broken out and I had a canker sore to start me off. Now i feel like i'm dying. I'm going to the doctor later today. Tomorrow I'm supposed to decorate a table and make a dinner salad for our Relief Society event as well. :/ I've got to learn to relax a bit during this season!

Procrastinating

I'm procrastinating. Sad to say thats the only reason I'm writing here right now. Journaling has been hard for me this year. We have had lots of hard things we've been going through and putting my thoughts down into a coherent form seemed impossible.

I'm in the THICK of work right now. For the last 2 weeks I have had clients almost every day or have been doing hair or have been helping my mom. I wake up early (not too horribly early, but Jace's alarm gets me up at 5 am and I go back to sleep till about 7 am--thank goodness daylight savings time has ended--jace works in the texas market so he was on texas time. i now get to sleep till 6!) I get up and get Nash going and immediately go to get randy up and out. Then I go home and either have clients (newborns) or I work on editing/housework. I get Nash and then we spend some time together (not enough and BOY the guilt, oh the guilt), i feed him, I try and get dinner planned or going, I do chores, or grocery shopping, etc.

Then I edit while he "naps" (rest time is more like it). Jace comes home and most days now i leave to photograph families, and he plays with Nash and I come home and make dinner and then force feed my child. Bathe him. Read to him. Finally get him in bed. Then i edit. During this time Jace is either working, at a SA recovery meeting, or doing Elder's quorum stuff. Then Jace goes to bed "early" and I stay up till 1-2 am editing.

I'm so tired right now. I know that it will not be this way for too much longer (about 4-5 more weeks of crazy) but its also the holidays. We are doing Thanksgiving with my parents alone for the first time in ever. So i'm in charge of half of the food. Intimidating. During December, i need to decorate, give neighbor gifts, take/make/send christmas cards, wrap presents, and be ready to go basically by the 1st of the month. I have clients during that month, plus the editing, plus the getting ready for Christmas, we throw a christmas party every year too so i've got that to plan, AND we are going out of town to California 4 days before Christmas for 3 days. Oh man, oh my!

I have anxiety as well, and so I'm trying really hard to balance everything as best as I can. We'll see how it goes! lol

Nash-isms as of late

This kid is SUCH  a freaking crack up.

I never want him to grow up dangit.

Some of his more funny sayings from ONE sunday evening at my parents house:



(while playing cards with the grown ups)"Momma, you need pacific (specific) cards!"

"Dont worry, I'm gonna read the constructions (instructions)".

"Jace: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR THE LAST 30 MINTUES?!"
"Nash: (so innocently) I ate 2 green beans!"

"When you have a heart attack, your heart explodes momma".

"Me: Say it higher...
Nash: ...higher."

"Papa isnt too old....hes still kind of new."

(Singing "Be what i believe" a song for the primary program) "Like Nephi versavere!" (persevere)

A first....missed.

Nash had his first primary program as a sunbeam today. He has been practicing and practicing his songs, memorized his little part, and was SO excited.

Jace's parents happened to be in town and were there along with my parents, who are in the ward as well. Nash was over the moon about this.

The only problem is that I'm in senior primary as a teacher. My seat on the stand was directly behind the organ so not only could I not see nash at all, I also couldn't hear him. I could see jace and his parents laughing and it hit me...this is my ONLY child...this is a first for him and for us...and I missed it.

I was devastated actually. Because who knows if I'll have more kids. This might have been my only shot to see my kid perform for the first time. I could barely keep it together for the next 2 hours of church. I immediately came home and just sobbed and sobbed.

I was also frustrated because a few people who I'm sure meant well and were just trying to joke around, approached me with sarcasm about nash's singing and exuberance. I already was on edge and that kind of pushed me to the edge.

No one told ME that he was adorable or cute or that he must have been practicing. I was told, "wow...cant you put a cork in him? Trust me...everyone in the whole church heard him.. hes loud" or "he sure is enthusiastic especially for not knowing all the words." My heart was breaking already and that did it.

I didn't get a cute picture like I wanted, and I didn't get to just enjoy the program. I feel so sad about it. I missed seeing him and hearing him...in his first primary program. But I know that he rocked it. My sweet boy.

Thick of "it"

Hey all.

Been a hot minute (or you know 2 months) since I wrote on here.

Just living life...and in the thick of it.

Jace applied for a promotion at work, and seemed to be a shoe in...only to find out yesterday he didnt get it. :/ That promotion would have meant the world to our little family...not only for the pay increase which would have been amazing, but it would have meant that we would get to see Jace more since he wouldnt HAVE to work a second job like hes doing now.

I'm also going to share something that I wasnt planning on, but for my own record keeping I'm going to. In January this year we started fertility again and stopped in May when nothing was working and we found out I'm going to need surgery...again.

...Thats been...hard. We already waited 2 years because of Jace's addiction, trauma, and needing our family to heal. Wanting something so badly and not being able to have it, especially when its a righteous desire...oh man. Its rough. Hearing about everyone...literally EVERYONE becoming pregnant has been very hard too.

I loved President Nelsons 10 day social media fast for that fact alone (there was so much good that came about because of it as well), but i wasnt seeing everyone posting things that made me equal parts happy for them, and devastated for me.

I've entered my busy work season. I am SO grateful for my returning clients and all the new clients I'm getting. Heavenly Father has been answering my prayers thats for sure.
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Nash is busy busy at preschool and LOVES spending time with all the kids. He is really excited for Halloween (he gets to be Iron Man!) He gets to spend time with his Gramma and Papa alot while I work and is developing a cute relationship with them. He got to go to his first pumpkin patch with me and my mom yesterday and LOVED it!

Thor is healthy! We almost lost him in September due to a weird stomach virus. He is gigantic and gets on my nerves alot, but we also love him. He is 6 months old and still has alot of growing (physically and in maturity levels) to do!

And thats it. Thats what we are up to.

"Finding Joy"

So for the past year and a half the word JOY has been on my mind. I've got pages of quotes and scriptures and talks I've been reading on the subject.

When i made our fummer list, one of my goals was to "find joy".

When i got my new calling as a primary teacher and I was set apart, in the prayer they specifically mentioned that "i would find joy in this calling".

I found a sign last month to add to a gallery wall in my family room that says "choose joy".

And yesterday my mom found this quote and gave it to me. I loved it so much I made it into a printable. (feel free to save and use!)

(8x10)

I'm finding myself getting agitated easily, and losing my cool multiple times a day. I've been struggling with finding joy in my life. Nash has been needing SO MUCH attention and interaction, which I try to give him, but apparently its not enough because oi. We keep working towards paying off our debt (3 credit cards GONE this summer BTW) and working towards Jace's next promotion, and needing a new car...all that jazz. It gets exhausting and overwhelming. I also am so frustrated that I'm not pregnant. Getting Nash a sibling keeps seeming like a never ending and disappointing journey. My "best friend" basically stopped keeping in touch a year or 2 ago. My other friend who I would consider my best friend, is a GUY and he and his family moved to Washington. I feel really alone on that front. I keep thinking of all the things that aren't happening in my life and my family's lives and it makes me SO SAD. 

I feel like I go so long without saying anything or talking through things that I sometimes explode on my 4 year old--that is so not fair. My sister in law Jamie, posted this video of Elder Holland and Jace and I both sobbed through it. Good grief I need to be better.

Nash will be starting preschool in 2 weeks for 3 days a week for 2.5 hours on those days. I think it will be a marvelous break for both of us. It will give him the interaction with other kids and his teacher is an absolute ANGEL. And for me...not only will it give me time during the day to work and not feel guilt for working while Nash "needs" me, but I think it will give me the opportunity to rediscover ME as a person...not as a business owner, or a mom, or a wife....but me. I used to have a fantastic relationship with myself and with my Heavenly Father (not saying I dont have a relationship with Him--but it is NOT what it used to be)....and that quote from President Nelson kind of smacked me in the face.

I dont know. I wish I was more eloquent, but I just wanted to say that I'm trying. I'm trying to find the joy in my life again, even if its not what I had hoped for at this time. 

I love my husband, I love my family, I love my nash so much, I love my home, and I love my Heavenly Father. And so this entry isnt so depressing here are a couple of pictures for you to see of my cute boy and his kitty cat. :)

Fummer 2018

FUMMER is here!!!

This year, I added some more things, but still on my quest to not stress myself out too much.

I'm excited because there are a few things on there that I've wanted to do for a long time AND because one of them will impact our lives forever! (adopting a kitten).

And once again, these are more "big ticket items" and more have been added in with pencil, but you get the idea. I cant believe this is my last summer with Nash before he starts school (pre-school mind you, but still!) He is growing up too fast and my time is seeming to slip away!! That is SO unfair how that happens!!

Fummer 2017

Nash is growing up by the day. The day, people! Lol

Last year I made a list of like 10 things we were going to do/wanting to do for the summer. He had no idea what that was, so it was mostly for me.

This year he understands quite a bit more.

So I created our "Fummer" (Fun/summer) list for 2017.

Initially I just did our "big ticket items" on the printed out list...

then I printed a second copy and started writing in the available spaces. 

What I'm super excited about it that I'm working really hard to accomplish all of these by September (End of "summer" for most people...)

And so far we've done 5, and are halfway through another 4.

((edited to add: by the end of September we accomplished everything on that list except the secret project and teaching nash to ride his bike. Plus we had a whole slew of other things we did and accomplished as well))

Thats huge for me. I never ever want my kids summer to be so packed FULL of things that I want them to do, or that we HAVE to do, that they dont have lazy days--or we always feel stressed-- or i feel guilty if we didnt do something. My kids might never be in summer classes (other than swim lessons) and I've decided that I'm 100% okay with that.

You only get to be a kid once, and I think that as grown ups/parents we are so busy trying to make them have happy memories that we cause more issues than creating wonderful moments. I see so many people stressing out because all 4 of their kids have something going at the same time, and they need to pack for the vacation they are leaving on tomorrow, and they feel like they need to do 1000 crafts with their kids but also want their house semi cleaned, and then they feel overwhelmed and stressed....

I dont think it worth that. As someone who struggles with anxiety, I already put a crap ton of pressure on myself and feel guilt and overwhelmed doing little things; like going to swim lessons at the same time everyday for a month and going to the library 2 times a month. I cant overload with some unnecessary things just because its summer and I need my kids to be involved and active in everything, everyday or because I allow myself to compare myself to other moms who seem to be doing it all and with great ease. I just cant.

Just my 2 cents.

So, I'm excited for our Fummer of 2017, as relaxed as it may be :)

Pet People

I have about 5 blog posts in drafts and 1 in my head.

I'm in a deep funk and finishing them is just not a priority.

However, as we have hit a new milestone in our lives, I figured I'd hurry and share.

We are now pet owners!

Meet Thor. The neediest, cuddliest, cutest part Siamese kitten we adopted from our neighbors!

I promise I have tons of video of Nash and Jace with him too--but they are on my phone transferring to Dropbox as I type.

When we got married we had beta fish at the reception. We kept 2 and my parents kept 2 (we didnt think it through before we did it! lol) I tried with all my stinking might to keep those guys alive. And I failed. I dont even understand it.

Then in 2011/2012? Jace was feeling the push to get a pet. We both worked long hours and were in an apartment...so he decided we needed a robo hamster. You guys. Jace never took care of that thing. And it was the size of my thumb. A cute thing to look at but thats all it was good for. Then I was the only one taking care of it and they only are supposed to live 2-3 years. Pepper Potts got sickly and died close to having her for 2.5 years.

We have now lived in our home for 3 years and we have a 4 year old. You would have thought we would have a pet by now (no more fish or rodents for me!) and jace wasnt keen on the idea of a cat. But every time we thought about a dog, I just didnt have a good feeling--its just not the time. Plus nash loves dogs from far away and not so much up close. He LOVES cats.

So when our neighbors had kittens, we started seriously talking about it. Then they said they had a white one and I've always dreamed of a white cat with blue eyes. So without seeing him we said we would take him. When we finally got over there to see him...I was surprised to find that he was a Siamese!! Still pretty and has beautiful blue eyes.

Its been an adjustment. I've been putting him in the laundry room (which is quite large) at night so I dont have to worry about accidents (working on litter training still) or our couches getting scratched up or our sleep being disturbed. He hasnt loved it. About 5 AM he starts crying and it wakes me up, but he wants to PLAY and there is just no way that is happening. lol

We have swim lessons in the mornings and I feel guilty about leaving him locked up again, so yesterday he went and played at my parents and today my brother came to play with him. LOL I'm ridiculous.

We keep calling him..."her". Hopefully we will get the hang of that.

And Nash is learning responsibility of being in charge of playing with him some.

Pray that I get the hang of this and Thor mellows a bit. :)

Still alive over here

Well...happy new year, happy valentines day, happy st. patricks day, happy birthday to Nash, happy conference, and happy Easter! LOL

Thats all gone down since I wrote last...AT CHRISTMAS. Goodness me.

I still have those blog posts in draft. FYI.



We have been in the thick of life over here. I'm still posting some on my Instagram and Facebook, but I've cut WAY WAY WAY back on that too.


I'm struggling to find balance in my life. Balance in my home life, balance with technology, balance as a working mom. Nash will be starting pre-school this year and while I'm doing cartwheels (figuratively, because...DIZZY) somedays, other days I want to bawl my eyes out at how fast he is growing up.


He asked me yesterday why I get sad that he is growing up. The fact that he asked that question was actually the answer! How? How did this happen so fast?


Work is good--again, the balance thing.


Jace has taken on a second job M-S! :(  Our goal is to pay down our credit card debt ASAP. My brother and his wife bought us tickets to Dave Ramsey's Smart Money Tour last year and while we arent 100% insanely on board....we pretty much have been converted and have been working hard to change our present, so our future is 100% OURS to decide on. And the future of our son is that he will see how hard we worked to get out of debt and STAY out of debt and the goal is to pass that on to him.

We have had our fair share of sickness since Christmas too. Mostly me. Dang crappy immune system.



And I'm still at a loss over our continued infertility. I feel so alone and sad most of the time. I have no one to talk to and everytime I come on here thinking I might say what I'm feeling, I get all in my head about what people will say. So then I dont, and I continue feeling sad and alone.

Good times.



Anyways, just wanted to say we are still here....still alive....just living and working and growing old. :)