Moving Forward

Woo boy. August was the literal WORST.

We started online school the same day that I had my IVF transfer. I was on bed rest and then sick or sore (oh how sore!) from all the meds and shots that I had to do everyday. I was crampy and nauseous (all good signs indicating pregnancy), I lost 5 pounds (I lose weight at the beginning of my pregnancies). 

Then 12 days after that we found out that we lost our babies. 4 days after that we had a conversation with our doctor who told us that we had been pregnant and that i will be miscarrying those babies in the next week or so. 

I miscarried our babies.

All the while still homeschooling, and working.

Then we reached out to discuss another transfer. My IVF coordinator Daina set it up. Our next transfer is scheduled for October. I have to be on birth control pills and other meds while we monitor my lining and other things leading up to it. 

We are nervous.

But we are ready to move forward.

We don't want to be stuck in the sad. In the what ifs. We have more embryos waiting. Its time to keep going.

I'm also really ready for school to start back up again, even for 2 days a week (which is their modified schedule). Everyone in the freaking state has started back up already...why not us?! People are doing Prenda schools--no masks, kids together. Our numbers are going down, not up.

The CDC released information basically owning up to numbers being inflated. Covid is real (our net door neighbor KaraLyn is a nurse had it, so did our neighbors Gary LeSeuer, and Lana Stradling, and Shelice Millett) but its not as deadly for the general population as they have made it out to be. People have lost their livelihoods, the world is in complete chaos, places like New York and California are STILL under lock down 6 MONTHS INTO THIS. 

We are ready to move forward. Yes, our lives will never be the same, but we are ready for our new normal and for people to stop acting how they are acting. We are ready for the election to be over in November so the Democrats and Republicans stop using the American people as their puppets. 

We are ready to move forward past all the blazing HOT weather we are having. Arizona has broken all sorts of records on how many days in a row we have had temps over 110. We have basically not had any monsoon rains.

September in our house is better known as "Sucktember" and I really hope that that doesn't hold up this year. August was sucky, I don't need September to be as well.

Our Journey Part Dos Summer 2020

After the devastation that was March 2020, Covid-19 put a HALT on everything non-emergency related. No dental procedures, no elective surgeries, no fertility treatments.

I got a call in May, stating that as the state opened back up, we could start proceeding with IVF. It was so nerve wrecking to decide to move forward in this way. Its A LOT of money with no guaranteed outcome. But over the last 2+ years we have spent that much and probably more altogether...so we decided to go for it.

We have prayed and fasted to know what to do for years now. We have felt like failures because we've never received inspiration from Heavenly Father helping guide us in one direction or another. However, we have felt pretty strongly about 2 things. #1. We have more kids waiting for us. and #2. its not time for adoption yet. Well, that doesn't leave too many options for us, so we went forward and scheduled IVF treatments.

Thanks to Covid19 everything is definitely different. I am the only person allowed at the office (unless Jace had to go do his part). You text when you are there and wait in your car to be called into the office. You are required to wear a mask, get your temperature taken, and answer a few questions before you go in to get checked.

I'm dealing with a whole new set of nurses-- my favorite nurse was furloughed because of Covid19 :(
I have an IVF coordinator--I call her often to ask questions.

I went on a very intense medication cycle and had to do blood work and ultrasounds EVERYDAY after day 6. I started the whole process June 1st. On June 13th I went in for my Egg Retrieval. Surgery was different too. I was whisked away and was alone during prep (except for my cute nurse Judy) and had to wear a mask until I was up on the operating table. I woke up and had to get dressed and everything by myself and was wheeled out to the car where I finally saw Jace again. My nurse realized that my birthday was in 2 days. I said this is my birthday present. I want babies for my birthday!

We were told that they were able to take 36 EGGS during retrieval! That is amazing.

The next day they called and said they were able to fertilize 20 of those eggs.

Then came the waiting. 7 LONG DAYS OF WAITING to hear about our embryos. We have prayed and fasted for those babies. I have had many conversations with Nash about what fertilization is and what an embryo is. My 6 year old knows more about the science of reproduction than I did in high school, I swear.

Anyways....

I just got the call.

ELEVEN EMBRYOS. 11!

We are going to have the opportunity to have more babies and we are beyond thrilled. I am going to be crying once it finally hits. Our babies. Our "Em-babies". So excited.

Covid19

I've been thinking about, processing, dealing with, etc for now 12 weeks about the novel coronavirus--covid19.

TWELVE WEEKS. 3 months.

That is how long I've had Nash home 24/7. That is how long we have been in "quarantine".

My mother keeps saying that I need "to write it all down. my kids and grandkids will want to know." but honestly, its felt so very overwhelming I didnt know where to start. And honestly, I still dont. There is so much that wont be said...mostly because its been so much that I cant remember it all.

A short breakdown: A horrible virus "escaped" from a lab in Wuhan China. Chinese officials lied about how many got sick and how many were dying. The WHO also didnt report real numbers. This virus attacks the respiratory system and especially in those with weakened immune systems, or those who have pre-existing conditions. However, it doesnt care who it infects. The elderly, men, women, children....healthy, pre-existing conditions, what have you. So many thousands have died. It has affected so many different nations.

The world as a whole was on lockdown trying to slow the spread of this virus.

Our president shut down our borders, no one in or out.

We were asked to stay in our homes and quarantine. Businesses were shut down, doors locked. Unless you were essential...thankfully Jace works for the bank...which was essential. We were not left without income. However, my photography business was shuttered for 2 months. I'm just barely getting it back up and running. Jace was now working from home...to make sure we werent being exposed.

We have my parents and randy especially who would not survive if he contracted this. We have been very careful.

I had a sinus infection and needed to get antibiotics from my doctor at the start of all this. I was asked to wear a mask (we all were later on), wait in my car while they prepared a special room for me, I was taken in a back door to avoid everyone else ::in case:: my symptoms were that of covid. They werent....it was a sinus infection.

You were/are still supposed to be shopping once a week. One person in a mask, once a week to limit exposure. People freaked out and bought everything. It was hard to find food and supplies for almost 2 months. Now we know why our church leaders have been telling us to have a supply of food on hand...a year is best, but at minimum a 3 month supply. I was doing the shopping for my family and my parents so they didnt have exposure. Milk was limited to 1 gallon a person (if you could find it). The stores 3 months later are just starting to have bleach and toilet paper on their shelves. They still arent stocked but they are starting to be signs of things coming back. Cleaning supplies, hand sanitizer, frozen foods, meat, bread, milk, eggs, and ANY paper goods--plates, TP, paper towels, etc, FLOUR, sugar, salt, rice....all of that has been GONE. I have been lucky and found some TP here and there....finally found some flour at costco and some rice at Frys. Everything has been piece meal. It has been truly crazy.

Through the craziness of the food shortage...I never felt panic though. We had enough. We would be okay. And we have been. Its all about having Faith over Fear. I have trusted in my Heavenly Father and we have been blessed.

I have been doing my best to reach out and minister to our families. I have been baking bread and sharing it.

We planted a garden with our tax return this year. It happened right after quarantine. We have been wanting to and this got our butts in gear. We have already harvested some radishes. We have a head of lettuce growing, a couple of carrots, radishes, some sweet peas, some broccoli, some bell pepper plants (with one pepper), a cherry tomato plant, and some watermelon. It has been trial and error and I think i've finally figured it out. We installed a drip system and its nice to not have to go out and water twice a day. Nash planted some flowers from seeds and they are starting to bloom. He is over the moon.

(planted March 31st 2020)

(planted March 31st 2020)

School was cancelled immediately. I became a homeschool mom with someone elses curriculum. The school adjusted as best as possible with online learning. It was trippy. We would go get lunch a couple days a week at the school, even though we couldnt get out of the car or see anyone really, it was a chance to get out of the house. I cried one of the times I got to go get some groceries for pick up. I miss having anytime of quiet now.

(our homeschool set up)

My anxiety has been up and down and up and down. Through all of this though, I have been honest with Nash in the simplest way without adding fear. He understands that he cant see his friends, or go to school, go to church, play coach pitch, go to his singing class, or even hang out at his grandparents, because we want to keep everyone as safe as possible. He knows that this virus is killing people. He knows that momma and daddy want him safe and healthy.

All of our temples and church houses were closed. What a weird and scary time. We had General Conference at home broadcasted as usual, but the only people allowed during conference were those speaking. The music was pre-recorded. The brethren were sitting 6 feet apart in social distancing standards. President Nelson announced a new symbol for our church. And new temples. And his love and faith that everything will be okay.  We also got to participate in a Hosanna Shout. Nash's first. And we were invited to participate in a WORLD WIDE fast. <3 nbsp="" p="">

We have been able to have Sacrament meeting in our home and that has been special. I hope Nash always remembers that. All missionaries were sent back to their home countries. Some are finally getting reassigned within their home countries.

My business was able to officially open March 18th with new policies due to covid19.
Some businesses arent open yet in the country. Everyone is having to open in phases.

Schools for Arizona announced yesterday that they will reopen in the fall, but there will be major changes. We are supposed to hear what that means in June. I am nervous.

Nash asked when we will get back to normal. I told him that we will never go back to what was his normal. Things will be new. We will deal with and adapt as best as we can.

My fertility doctor called and since Arizona is opening things up, we can resume with our IVF plans. Its happening and its scary and we are in a scary time, but I'm not waiting. Faith over Fear. Its been our motto and will continue to be so.

Our Journey Part Dos...2020

I cant believe this. I cant believe this. I cant believe this.

I have been in such a state of grief...its hard to write this post.

Towards the end of February as I mentioned, we met back up with Dr. Craig to discuss IVF. He had me get a progesterone shot that day to start a period and start a cycle with meds as a "baseline" or maybe for an IUI should we get some good follicles.

It took me a little longer than normal to start a period. But I did. And I started all my meds. I was to go in on Day 9 for my "10 day ultrasound" and an HSG ultrasound making sure my tubes were clear. The regular ultrasound was to be first.

I had been trying not to get my hopes up, seeing as last year i basically produced nothing after the first month of trying.

She started the ultrasound and I STARED AT THE SCREEN IN COMPLETE SHOCK. My ovaries were double their size FULL of giant follicles! The ultrasound tech was blown away. I mean, she stopped counting after she found 30 mature follicles. Close to 20 is the goal, and I had 4 measuring at 20,20,20,21! I knew that an IUI would be out of the question...last year in Feb I had 12 and it was a no-go. So I looked at her excited and said, we are ready to move forward with IVF!

She had to talk to the Dr. and I went into the waiting room to talk to Jace. I told him excitedly how many follicles and he was on his way to the doctor to see what was next. As soon as I got off the phone with him, they called me back into a room. The ultrasound tech said, "So...you see...no one is going to be here next week starting today, so we cant take a collection and there wont be anyone here to watch the embryos." I was DUMBFOUNDED. I was in shock. You mean to tell me, I have all of these follicles, my body FINALLY didnt let me down--it did exactly what we wanted, we are mentally and financially prepared to go forward with IVF and you are telling me THAT I CANT BECAUSE YOU ARE LETTING EVERYONE IN THE LAB GO ON SPRING BREAK?! I lost it. Started crying. This cute nurse, who has been with us since we started trying for NASH stayed with me. I just didnt know what to do or say and I was literally about to have a full on break down. I needed to get out of there. So I did. I called Jace in the parking lot unable to talk. He was on his way to me.

He opened my car door where I was inside literally having a panic attack and full scale meltdown. I threw myself at him and just sobbed and sobbed. He had us go back in to talk to the nurse so she could explain it to him. Nothing changed of course with that other than he started crying and we got the nurse crying too. Nothing like ruining everyone's day.

So, now I wait. I wait to start a period, which will be painful because of all the follicles. I will have to have excess cysts drained (no idea what that means or what goes into it) and we will have to start all over.

One of the worst parts of all of this is that all year in 2019 we prayed and prayed and fasted and prayed to know the direction in which to go. Is this the right course of action? Should we stay with Dr. Craig? Do we keep going with IUI's? Do we try IVF? Are we supposed to stop trying to have more kids?

And the only answer we felt we received was that we were not done with having kids and that it wasnt time to look at adoption. Thats it.

So this year, we continued praying, but also said, we are going to move forward with this and make this happen (IVF financially speaking), please let us know if this is the right move. AND ON DAY 9 my ovaries exploded. It felt like Heavenly Father finally was answering me. And then because of a HORRIBLE miscommunication from my Doctor to me and them just assuming my body wasnt going to produce that I missed out on this.

I am grieving the loss of my future. I had possible and PROBABLE multiple children in this cycle. And they were taken away.

I will get through this. We will get through this. Things are just painful right now. I am angry and devastated and miserable and tired.

Our Journey Part Dos....part 2 ha.

We waited for the bloodwork to reveal....we were not pregnant. The IUI failed.

ugh.

So we rounded up more money, and moved forward with another cycle.

And shots, and shots, and more shots, and hormones, and crazy things in life that happened, and so on.

Only to discover that my follicles didnt stimulate...like...at all.

ALL OF THAT MONEY AND TIME "WASTED"!

I dont remember if I shared this before or not, but EVERYTHING is out of pocket...and my hormone shots are not cheap. I felt like I had just thrown thousands of dollars into a fire and watched it burn.

Needless to say, I fell into a well of depression. I managed my life...but bare minimum. I did what I needed to for Nash, and for me to feel like I deserved HIM. But my house cleaning was neglected, I all but stopped cooking dinner for my family because I just couldnt find the energy. I stopped exercising. I had so many emotional break downs it was ridiculous. I found myself so angry. At myself and my body mostly. I was SO confused. The Lord had given us every indicator that this was the time to move forward, that it should have worked out. And it keeps NOT working out. Am I missing something? Did I not understand Him? Why wont He give me a clear answer? Have I done something wrong?

I have never been angry with God. I've never blamed Him. Still havent. I just dont understand. And I cant seem to figure out how to just keep moving forward without my heart just shattering over and over.

Nash prays for his brother to be here soon. We keep trying to explain that I'm not pregnant, but he doesnt understand. And why would he? WE barely understand.

I go off my meds again....start a period....and that is when I'd normally start all over. But I've decided to wait a little bit to talk to my doctor in person again and see what the freaking crap to do about this.

Our Journey Part Dos

This is the hashtag that I'm using to document my journey to our second baby. I had so many installations with Nash, I dont have the energy to do all of that again, so there is significantly less information I'm posting.

Steps so far in our journey:

3 IUIs that all failed in 2018 and having to stop trying when we found out I needed surgery.
Surgery.
Shots, shots, and more shots--too many follicles. Cancled cycle. Many tears.
Shots, shots, and more shots--no follicles. Canceled cycle. Many more tears.
Shots, shots, and more shots--2 follicles. IUI. Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

More waiting.

Sick with worry. Panic. Major Anxiety.

Goings on

Its MARCH!

Yay! and also how?

I thought i'd give an update here on our life ATM (at the moment). I was doing my first treatment after surgery and my ovaries OVER-reacted (get it? ha. i gotta find the humor or I'd just cry--which dont get me wrong, I totally did). I ended up with 11 or 12 follicles measuring at a 10 or higher. Which could mean that when we triggered ovulation I could get pregnant with many many babies. My doctor ran the percentages and deemed it unsafe for me so he canceled that cycle. That was a serious blow.

I have been in serious "get all this crap out of my life. it is junking it up, making me feel claustrophobic, and in my way". This happens about twice a year and I seem to be right on schedule. March and October. When I had nash and when i announced his presence to the world. Coincidence? So I've been purging. I'm sure I can do more too. Right now I'm working on the garage and getting anything baby related out and checked (its been 5 years, i mean....) Plus the 3rd bedroom we have is supposed to be a baby's room...so I'm getting that space figured. If you build it, they will come maybe?

My cousin Julie is pregnant with twins (courtesy of my fertility doctor). They are her 4th and 5th from him. She has all girls and one of the twins is a boy. So i'm going to go through all of nash's baby clothes and donate some to her. So now I've pulled them all out of the garage and it seems like a seriously daunting task. I'm going to convince my mom to help me.

Nash's 5th birthday is this month! I cant believe he is FIVE. Wow. My little guy isnt so little anymore. He asked me the other day to help teach him to be a grown up. ::ugly crying:: please never leave me. Ha.

He gets to have his first ever friend party. He chose the theme...MARIO! (But Luigi is his favorite for some unknown reason). I'm working on getting it figured out....

I have Taxes coming up and I stress the crap out because I'm the one who puts them together and I have to do it for my business too. Yeesh.

I found out a few days ago that my best friend Troy's dad passed away very unexpectedly. He went to bed and never woke up. That has been hard. The funeral is tomorrow.

That is pretty much us right now. Fertility, Nash, Cleaning, etc.

Well...

So...December was a bummer with the exception of 2 things. A trip to California and Sea World which I have in another post and Christmas. Those 2 things were great. Everything else was not good. January really didnt go so well either--I was "sick" for most of December and it got way worse in January. So much so that my 103 fever had my doctor convinced I had the flu, or whooping cough, or pneumonia. I tested for everything and it came back negative. So just some awful virus that attacked hard and WOULD. NOT. LEAVE.

However, one good thing came about in January.

I had surgery. HA!

But seriously, its a good thing because its the start of fertility 2019. I kept the fact that we were trying for another baby last year a secret and I had to go through some really hard things alone. I've decided to be honest that we are once again trying, but I probably wont be as open with E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G like i was when I went through it all with Nash.

So! Everyone please remember us in your prayers as we are trying to grow our family! #prayingfortwins

Here goes!

Craptastic

What a title for my post, eh?

Well...today was crap-tastic. Truly a horrible day.

It started when Nash would NOT get moving and we were a little late for school.

Then it got worse when I went to get in to my car only to find that it had been broken into...and we had a few things stolen.

So Nash was 20 minutes late to school, my car had been vandalized, and I had to file a police report.

Then I went to get Randy out of bed, only to have his wheelchair not lock, causing me to lower him to the ground and find a round about way of getting him back up and out of his room.

Nice.

Jace texted me. He was turned down for the promotion he was up for (and really deserves).

Wonderful.

Then I was off to get a pedicure that I've literally been planning for a year. My mom gave me $ for Mothers day to do it, but every time I went to go, I hit something and broke off huge pieces of my nail.

I waited for an hour...only to realize that I wasnt going to be able to get it done because I needed to pick Nash up from school.

So Nash was 20 minutes late to school, my car had been vandalized, I filed a police report, basically dropped my 40 year old brother, found out my husband didnt get his promotion, and spent an hour trying to get a pedicure that didnt happen.

I had 20 minutes, so I went to Frys to get a few groceries. The line took a million years. I got to my car when Nashs school got out. So I was going to be late in picking him up. ::facepalm::

I picked Nash up and went home to put away our groceries. I noticed that the fridge seemed a little warm. I tried drinking some milk....which I spit out and dumped out immediately.

SO...Nash was 20 minutes late to school, my car had been vandalized, I filed a police report, basically dropped my 40 year old brother, found out my husband didnt get his promotion, spent an hour trying to get a pedicure that didnt happen, took too long at the grocery store and picked nash up late from school, AND discovered my fridge was going out.

We had the motor fixed on this older fridge that came with the house a few years ago. We knew we were on borrowed time. We just didnt realize how fast the payment was going to be due.

I went back to my parents house to put nash down for a nap so I could get some work done. I was seriously behind in my editing. While I was putting him down in the dark room, i hit my foot on a chair and (if you can believe it) broke my big toe nail.

THATS RIGHT ladies and gentlemen....the whole reason I was supposed to have the freaking pedicure today.

We went to pick out a new fridge. We were planning on buying one with our tax return this next spring (cash) because we have worked so hard at getting debt paid down. This summer we paid off 3 credit cards. Now, we will be the proud new owners of a fridge that works...and have one of those credit cards back in rotation.

SO...Nash was 20 minutes late to school, my car had been vandalized, I filed a police report, basically dropped my 40 year old brother, found out my husband didnt get his promotion, spent an hour trying to get a pedicure that didnt happen, took too long at the grocery store and picked nash up late from school, discovered my fridge was going out, broke my big toe nail, AND bought a fridge that made us use a credit card we didnt want to use.

OH AND CHERRY ON TOP--we went back to the car to leave and someone had put a stinking target card that locked up behind our vehicle that jace and I both had to pick up to move out of the way.


Seriously. One of the more craptastic days of my life.

December already?

Today is the 3rd of December. I can honestly say that part of me cant believe it and another part feels like this was the longest year ever.

After going through fertility treatments and having to stop them midway through the year because of now needing surgery....its been a long 7 months. It doesnt help either that everyone I know has gotten pregnant in that time. I'm not even joking. My cousin has gotten pregnant twice now since i stopped treatment. she lost the first pregnancy early and now is pregnant with twins. i have 7 other friends announce their pregnancies in the last few months...and one is close to giving birth to her naturally conceived twins.

I've done my fair share of feeling pretty jealous if I'm being honest, and frustrated and angry that its not me. But I also havent dwelled on it. I'm feeling pretty proud about that. I allow myself to feel the feeling and work through it...normally takes a day or 2...and i've been able to let the anger go. I think that might be a small (large) miracle from God.

I've been pretty busy the last month mostly with my photography. I'm so blessed with so many returning clients and new clients as well! I also have alot of newborns that were born and are about to be born!

I was handling things so well too. I went and took nash to see santa already, we set up and did christmas card pictures, i got those ordered, AND sent out. My mom and I cooked the entire Thanksgiving meal and put it on this year. In November I had 30 photoshoots. I was staying up almost every night till 1 or 2 am to keep up on editing. I stopped biting my nails. Still going strong on that one. My house is decorated for Christmas and almost all of our outside lights are up. We got Christmas out of my parents basement and attic for them too.

I'M NOW SICK. Its all caught up to me. My face is broken out and I had a canker sore to start me off. Now i feel like i'm dying. I'm going to the doctor later today. Tomorrow I'm supposed to decorate a table and make a dinner salad for our Relief Society event as well. :/ I've got to learn to relax a bit during this season!

Procrastinating

I'm procrastinating. Sad to say thats the only reason I'm writing here right now. Journaling has been hard for me this year. We have had lots of hard things we've been going through and putting my thoughts down into a coherent form seemed impossible.

I'm in the THICK of work right now. For the last 2 weeks I have had clients almost every day or have been doing hair or have been helping my mom. I wake up early (not too horribly early, but Jace's alarm gets me up at 5 am and I go back to sleep till about 7 am--thank goodness daylight savings time has ended--jace works in the texas market so he was on texas time. i now get to sleep till 6!) I get up and get Nash going and immediately go to get randy up and out. Then I go home and either have clients (newborns) or I work on editing/housework. I get Nash and then we spend some time together (not enough and BOY the guilt, oh the guilt), i feed him, I try and get dinner planned or going, I do chores, or grocery shopping, etc.

Then I edit while he "naps" (rest time is more like it). Jace comes home and most days now i leave to photograph families, and he plays with Nash and I come home and make dinner and then force feed my child. Bathe him. Read to him. Finally get him in bed. Then i edit. During this time Jace is either working, at a SA recovery meeting, or doing Elder's quorum stuff. Then Jace goes to bed "early" and I stay up till 1-2 am editing.

I'm so tired right now. I know that it will not be this way for too much longer (about 4-5 more weeks of crazy) but its also the holidays. We are doing Thanksgiving with my parents alone for the first time in ever. So i'm in charge of half of the food. Intimidating. During December, i need to decorate, give neighbor gifts, take/make/send christmas cards, wrap presents, and be ready to go basically by the 1st of the month. I have clients during that month, plus the editing, plus the getting ready for Christmas, we throw a christmas party every year too so i've got that to plan, AND we are going out of town to California 4 days before Christmas for 3 days. Oh man, oh my!

I have anxiety as well, and so I'm trying really hard to balance everything as best as I can. We'll see how it goes! lol

"Finding Joy"

So for the past year and a half the word JOY has been on my mind. I've got pages of quotes and scriptures and talks I've been reading on the subject.

When i made our fummer list, one of my goals was to "find joy".

When i got my new calling as a primary teacher and I was set apart, in the prayer they specifically mentioned that "i would find joy in this calling".

I found a sign last month to add to a gallery wall in my family room that says "choose joy".

And yesterday my mom found this quote and gave it to me. I loved it so much I made it into a printable. (feel free to save and use!)

(8x10)

I'm finding myself getting agitated easily, and losing my cool multiple times a day. I've been struggling with finding joy in my life. Nash has been needing SO MUCH attention and interaction, which I try to give him, but apparently its not enough because oi. We keep working towards paying off our debt (3 credit cards GONE this summer BTW) and working towards Jace's next promotion, and needing a new car...all that jazz. It gets exhausting and overwhelming. I also am so frustrated that I'm not pregnant. Getting Nash a sibling keeps seeming like a never ending and disappointing journey. My "best friend" basically stopped keeping in touch a year or 2 ago. My other friend who I would consider my best friend, is a GUY and he and his family moved to Washington. I feel really alone on that front. I keep thinking of all the things that aren't happening in my life and my family's lives and it makes me SO SAD. 

I feel like I go so long without saying anything or talking through things that I sometimes explode on my 4 year old--that is so not fair. My sister in law Jamie, posted this video of Elder Holland and Jace and I both sobbed through it. Good grief I need to be better.

Nash will be starting preschool in 2 weeks for 3 days a week for 2.5 hours on those days. I think it will be a marvelous break for both of us. It will give him the interaction with other kids and his teacher is an absolute ANGEL. And for me...not only will it give me time during the day to work and not feel guilt for working while Nash "needs" me, but I think it will give me the opportunity to rediscover ME as a person...not as a business owner, or a mom, or a wife....but me. I used to have a fantastic relationship with myself and with my Heavenly Father (not saying I dont have a relationship with Him--but it is NOT what it used to be)....and that quote from President Nelson kind of smacked me in the face.

I dont know. I wish I was more eloquent, but I just wanted to say that I'm trying. I'm trying to find the joy in my life again, even if its not what I had hoped for at this time. 

I love my husband, I love my family, I love my nash so much, I love my home, and I love my Heavenly Father. And so this entry isnt so depressing here are a couple of pictures for you to see of my cute boy and his kitty cat. :)

Fummer 2017

Nash is growing up by the day. The day, people! Lol

Last year I made a list of like 10 things we were going to do/wanting to do for the summer. He had no idea what that was, so it was mostly for me.

This year he understands quite a bit more.

So I created our "Fummer" (Fun/summer) list for 2017.

Initially I just did our "big ticket items" on the printed out list...

then I printed a second copy and started writing in the available spaces. 

What I'm super excited about it that I'm working really hard to accomplish all of these by September (End of "summer" for most people...)

And so far we've done 5, and are halfway through another 4.

((edited to add: by the end of September we accomplished everything on that list except the secret project and teaching nash to ride his bike. Plus we had a whole slew of other things we did and accomplished as well))

Thats huge for me. I never ever want my kids summer to be so packed FULL of things that I want them to do, or that we HAVE to do, that they dont have lazy days--or we always feel stressed-- or i feel guilty if we didnt do something. My kids might never be in summer classes (other than swim lessons) and I've decided that I'm 100% okay with that.

You only get to be a kid once, and I think that as grown ups/parents we are so busy trying to make them have happy memories that we cause more issues than creating wonderful moments. I see so many people stressing out because all 4 of their kids have something going at the same time, and they need to pack for the vacation they are leaving on tomorrow, and they feel like they need to do 1000 crafts with their kids but also want their house semi cleaned, and then they feel overwhelmed and stressed....

I dont think it worth that. As someone who struggles with anxiety, I already put a crap ton of pressure on myself and feel guilt and overwhelmed doing little things; like going to swim lessons at the same time everyday for a month and going to the library 2 times a month. I cant overload with some unnecessary things just because its summer and I need my kids to be involved and active in everything, everyday or because I allow myself to compare myself to other moms who seem to be doing it all and with great ease. I just cant.

Just my 2 cents.

So, I'm excited for our Fummer of 2017, as relaxed as it may be :)

Merry Christmas 2017

You haven't heard from me in {quite} awhile!! Did you miss me?

I have about 5 or 6 blog posts that are in draft...I just cant seem to find the motivation or time to finish them off. I've been a bit overloaded with work and life and when that happens it is all I can do to get through my day doing what i HAVE to do, and leaves very little time for what i may WANT to do, like updating this blog.

I am taking the next week and a half off work. I wont be answering emails, or doing any photoshoots whatsoever. Vastly different from last year! Last year I worked up to the 23rd and then started again on the 27th. In the week from Christmas to New Years, I had 4 photoshoots!! I have nothing scheduled so I can refocus my mind and soul and spend some MUCH needed quality time with my husband and sweet sweet son.

I just wanted to pop on and wish everyone a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS from my family to yours. I hope you take some time to enjoy the moment and not be so frazzled that you miss the important things--and of course to remember the reason for the season--our dear Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Loves!!

Heart

Tonight my heart hurts and my eyes brim with tears.

I am longing for another little one to join our family.

I cry while holding my Nash...he is getting so big, so grown up, so fast.

I feel that I am not done having children.

I fear that my window is closing.

I long for the day that I can give Nash a sibling. He would love that so much. A buddy.

Infertility is the worst.

Still alive

Its been 2 months since I last posted.

I've been in the throws of life. And right now, I tell you, life is giving me a run for my money!!

I was sick for the entire month of July.

We are in the middle of refinancing our home which is a huge long pain in the behind.

I've been trying to make summer fun for Nash.

I've also been trying to compile "homeschool" curriculum to do with him this next year until he goes into preschool.

I am in the middle of planning a giant surprise party.

My business is SLOW as everyone has been on vacation and then getting into school starting. Its been stressing me out.

My first car, cozey, is due for registration AND emissions. My father is a mechanic...and no matter what we do, she wont pass emissions. Too many things wrong with her to try to fix because she isnt worth all that time and money. So I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to figure out what to do. And every person I talk to either has no idea or they all give me different instructions. I'm thoroughly confused.

With everything going on, my anxiety is UP UP UP. Working on that. Have had some days where I just sit and watch movies and play trains with Nash because I cant make myself go out and "be productive".

I also have been in the middle of a bathroom reno that I'm doing all on my own. I cant expand it yet ($$$!) but have plans to do it in the not too horribly distant future. However, I've sanded and painted, replaced and fixed, and currently I'm in the middle of doing a custom floor. I've learned lots of new skills.

AND we just got back from Jace's VanWagoner family reunion up in Ogden. It was Nash's first time meeting them, and my first time seeing most of them since basically our wedding. Yikes, thats a long time! It was alot of driving, and Nash did great. It was good fun to see them all. Also, I drove through Salt Lake for the first time and lived to tell the tale. Utah drivers and my anxiety...it could have been interesting. Lol

Anyways, thats whats new here. I've sat down to write multiple times but just havent. I also havent updated my social media either. I will try to do better. But if you dont see anything from me, its probably because I'm overwhelmed and eventually I'll emerge.

Oh! and Happy Birthday today to our nephew Corbin! #9!

A series of Unfortunate Events

It started with an ache.

My forearm was throbbing a bit.

I didnt think anything of it and continued about my day. We went to the library, I played with Nash, I cleaned a little...nothing out of the ordinary. I had a photoshoot cancellation for the next day...bummer. 

Then the ache and throbbing slowly ran up my arm into my shoulder. I could no longer move my arm without immense pain. 

Weird, because I cant think of anything I might have done to cause this. Started to be glad for the photo shoot cancellation.

It was bad enough, that I couldn't put my car into gear...I couldn't lift my arm that high.

I went to my parents house, where I was given a Priesthood blessing and a sling.

I went home and putting Nash to bed took 3 times as long without the use of my right (dominant) arm.

I took Ibuprofen and waited for Jace to come home.

We stayed up way too late watching American Ninja Warrior...almost 1 AM.

In bed, I wasn't sure how I was going to sleep, my arm hurt.

After about an hour, I sat bolt upright with a new pain. A sharp pain. My back was on fire and it felt like pins and needles were in two different parts of my back.

I birthed a child, so this was not the worst pain I have felt. But I havent felt this kind of pain before. It was new and scary. 

Jace started rubbing my shoulder thinking I pinched a nerve, and thats when he noticed the welts.

He started tearing apart our bed while I was concentrating on my breathing.

And then he found the source of my new pain. An unwelcome guest. The evil scorpion himself.

A FREAKING SCORPION WAS IN MY BED, I HAD NO IDEA, AND I ROLLED OVER ON HIM AND HE FREAKING STUNG ME TWICE, AND I STILL HAD NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED!

I fear scorpions. Alot. I didnt grow up ever seeing one. Never knew what to experience. 

Pain. Pain is what you experience. Thankfully I didnt have an allergic reaction, so all I had to worry about was the pain.

Well, pain and now fear of my house and room. Every surface, every carpet, every tile in my home--is the exact color of the smooshed scorpion that Jace carried out on the bottom of his shoe.

I couldnt move. My back hurt so much, that I almost forgot that I could barely move my right arm. ALMOST. 

I sat up, on the edge of my couch, messaging my other photoshoot client that I wouldnt be able to do their shoot that afternoon, and watching pointless shows until 7 AM. Then I slowly made my way into my room and tried to sleep. 10-15 minute increments were all I could do. Nash was up for the day before 8 (poor Jace). We have season tickets for tonights Dbacks game. Will I be able to go? I dont know. 

One thing I do know? In less than 24 hours i became unable to use my right arm, lost 2 clients (until i reschedule), and rolled over on a scorpion that caused me to not sleep and be in pain.

This now ends Andrea's saga of unfortunate events of last night.

What I know

So, I wouldn't call myself an expert on anything.

I've done lots of things.

Lots of things well, and lots of things not so well.

I've learned lots.

One thing I know well (that I wish I didn't) is the horrible-ness of cancer.

When I was 5, my grandpa who I idolized, died of prostate cancer.

When I was 13, my aunt died of pancreatic cancer.

When I was 19, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She went from stage one pre-surgery to almost a stage 4 after (ended up stage 3). She almost died. She then tested positive for the ovarian cancer gene. So she had a hysterectomy so that wouldn't take her life.

When I was 22, my uncle died of cancer that was caught too late and had metastasized to his bones.

At 26, I got tested and tested positive for the same cancer gene that my mom did.

What I'm saying, is (and this is just my close family.)..cancer is a beast that is relentless.

I learned: how to be strong, when you feel weak.

I learned: how to pick up and keep going, when you feel like falling apart.

I learned: how to cope with the feeling of loss.

I learned: what it was like to watch your parent go through something that basically was killing them, in order for them to live to see you into adulthood.

I learned: to rely on faith. To drink in the hopes and prayers of others.

I watched my mother have surgery after surgery, have a double mastectomy, receive a port to have chemo, do 6 months of chemo, do weeks and weeks of radiation therapy, lose her hair, stay in bed because she was so sick, I've seen her worry and stress about "what if" something happened to her--what would happen to her kids.

I've come to know a thing or two about cancer.

Its a monster. 

Jace's oldest brother Jeff had cancer when he was a toddler. Well, we found out today that the monster has returned. This time its residing around his colon. Jeff has colon cancer. He'll go in for surgery next week, and then have 6 months of chemo (i don't know about radiation), and then another surgery later to reattach his bowels. 

This, to me, unfortunately feels routine. No one should ever feel that way about something so horrible.

But here is what I know:

God is real.

God is good.

God loves us.

The power of prayer is real.

Faith of others can carry you through.

Hope is the best medicine.

Laughter will be tough to find, but crucial.

It is OKAY to be scared.

It is OKAY to cry.

It is OKAY to worry.

And its OKAY to express how you are really feeling.

Are you down in the dumps? Does that moment in time "suck"? Say it. Are you so tired of puking your guts out and cant stand your bathroom anymore? SCREAM IT. Are you worried about your future? Voice it. 

The Lord will hear you. He will guide you. He will carry you through.

THIS is what I know.

Week 3

I started another period, dangit. I had one at the start of week 1 for crying out loud.

I started a new blood pressure medication this week that will allow me to go off birth control (praises!) and that would be safe to be on while pregnant. We are seeing how my body is adjusting to being on it. So far, my blood pressure has remained steady (or as steady as it ever is) but I've now developed some nasty migraines. And I still have to be on birth control since we werent sure how I would react. Its been a pretty rough week to be honest.

The food thing has been interesting. I've been doing intermittent fasting, and because my stomach shrinks, I'm not especially hungry. Feeling sick from medication and a period doesn't help either. So I've been not eating enough according to myfitnesspal. I even try eating an extra apple, or some cheese before bed so my calories are high enough to even complete my daily diary and I've failed a few days to do that.

My workouts have been less than stellar. I hit my doctors minimum of 3 days a week--i ended up doing 4. My personal goal was 5 days. However it got up to 105 degrees and it was 95 degrees in my garage--and the heat combined with the way I was feeling...just didnt lend to good workouts.

I also am struggling with motivation to work out due to stress. Jace had interviewed for a promotion which we both desperately needed him to get. He has been so tired of his work situation and needing a change, and a nice bump in pay was something our family needed. My work flow had been slow and so i have been working overtime to change that. Its definitely helping, but its lead to LONG nights, and my mornings and nash's naptime being filled with work, not work outs. :( I'll find the balance, I know I will....it just wasnt this week.

My endocrinologist thought she felt something on my thyroid at my first appointment with her and she wanted me to get an ultrasound. I did that this week too. Now I'm freaking out that something may be wrong. I've never had an issue with my thyroid, so I'm hoping thats not the case.

I weighed in again and lost 1 pound. So i'm technically down 5 pounds in 3 weeks. Its a start.

Week 2

Dont worry all, I wont be doing these weekly updates on my diet forever. 

I go in for a follow up at the end of week 4, and I just wanted to document my starting progress.

Because lets face it...this is basically a forever thing. I'm changing a lifestyle. A mindset. And hormones.
Its not gonna be fast!

I also know that my weight might not change a ton. I was secretly hoping it might...but I knew not to get my hopes up.

Well I failed. I feel like with all the effort i'm putting in--working out  days a week--cutting my caloric intake in half--monitoring carbs, fat, proteins, sugar--upping my water intake by 50%-- intermentant fasting--and getting back on my medication....that I should see results. Either on the scale or with my clothes, right?

Ugh. Well, I weighed in yesterday and was down 1 pound. Discouraging.

I tried on 3 different shirts (that I wore at Christmas for goodness sake) and they were showing some very unflattering rolls.

UGH. the worst!!

Also, i thought working out was supposed to help give you energy? Its been a really long time since i've been this run down!! 

(i'm pretty sure all those runners that claim they get a runners high are lying and all the fitness nuts who claim to miss working out are quite literally NUTS. but thats just my 2 cents :) )