Well...

So...December was a bummer with the exception of 2 things. A trip to California and Sea World which I have in another post and Christmas. Those 2 things were great. Everything else was not good. January really didnt go so well either--I was "sick" for most of December and it got way worse in January. So much so that my 103 fever had my doctor convinced I had the flu, or whooping cough, or pneumonia. I tested for everything and it came back negative. So just some awful virus that attacked hard and WOULD. NOT. LEAVE.

However, one good thing came about in January.

I had surgery. HA!

But seriously, its a good thing because its the start of fertility 2019. I kept the fact that we were trying for another baby last year a secret and I had to go through some really hard things alone. I've decided to be honest that we are once again trying, but I probably wont be as open with E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G like i was when I went through it all with Nash.

So! Everyone please remember us in your prayers as we are trying to grow our family! #prayingfortwins

Here goes!

Fummer 2017

Nash is growing up by the day. The day, people! Lol

Last year I made a list of like 10 things we were going to do/wanting to do for the summer. He had no idea what that was, so it was mostly for me.

This year he understands quite a bit more.

So I created our "Fummer" (Fun/summer) list for 2017.

Initially I just did our "big ticket items" on the printed out list...

then I printed a second copy and started writing in the available spaces. 

What I'm super excited about it that I'm working really hard to accomplish all of these by September (End of "summer" for most people...)

And so far we've done 5, and are halfway through another 4.

((edited to add: by the end of September we accomplished everything on that list except the secret project and teaching nash to ride his bike. Plus we had a whole slew of other things we did and accomplished as well))

Thats huge for me. I never ever want my kids summer to be so packed FULL of things that I want them to do, or that we HAVE to do, that they dont have lazy days--or we always feel stressed-- or i feel guilty if we didnt do something. My kids might never be in summer classes (other than swim lessons) and I've decided that I'm 100% okay with that.

You only get to be a kid once, and I think that as grown ups/parents we are so busy trying to make them have happy memories that we cause more issues than creating wonderful moments. I see so many people stressing out because all 4 of their kids have something going at the same time, and they need to pack for the vacation they are leaving on tomorrow, and they feel like they need to do 1000 crafts with their kids but also want their house semi cleaned, and then they feel overwhelmed and stressed....

I dont think it worth that. As someone who struggles with anxiety, I already put a crap ton of pressure on myself and feel guilt and overwhelmed doing little things; like going to swim lessons at the same time everyday for a month and going to the library 2 times a month. I cant overload with some unnecessary things just because its summer and I need my kids to be involved and active in everything, everyday or because I allow myself to compare myself to other moms who seem to be doing it all and with great ease. I just cant.

Just my 2 cents.

So, I'm excited for our Fummer of 2017, as relaxed as it may be :)

Nash is 3!

I dont know how it happened.

But another year has come and gone and my baby is older.

I sat tonight and told him the story of a girl who wanted to be a mommy. And her wish finally came true. And the best part? He was the happy ending to that story!

I am feeling so many feelings. Ive been pretty bogged down with life stuff and the lead up to Nash's birthday and it will be...lets say minimal. I'm not doing a theme or a big party or anything like that. We are having family over for cake and presents and during the day we will be taking Nash to do some of his favorite things. We'll get barros pizza for lunch (his favorite), go to the splash pad/play in the water/play on the playground, and maybe go to the library and get more books. I'm sure there will be Rescue Bots, or Curious George watched at some point, and maybe watching daddy mow the lawn.

I made our annual birthday signs...some the same every year, with new funny ones relating to jokes or favorite shows over the last year. This year is a mish mash. :) Mario Cart, Star Wars, Phineas and Ferb, Moana, etc.

This sweet boy is a constant joy. He really is. He has his moments for sure--and he definitely doesnt give me any space or time to myself which can be hard and annoying at times. But my goodness. This little PERSON. This sweet spirit was sent to me from my Heavenly Father. I longed for the day when someone would call me momma and want to be around me all the time. I begged and pleaded for that day to come. I will never ever take for granted the huge blessing and wonderful miracle that Nash is in my life.

There were times over the last couple of years that I didnt know how I was going to make it...and Nash was the answer. He was the driving force in me to keep pushing on. To keep trying harder. Nash is mimicking all the time now (copying like no ones business--and his imitation of me laughing is FAR from flattering) and all I can think of is, "what is he going to say out and about? have i set a good example? will he be kind and caring, compassionate, and understanding? will he have a testimony of Christ that he would share with the world? will he be true to who he is and be open and honest?" I think these things everyday.

I have such a love for him. I really cant express it. He is my light and my joy and my everything. How glad I am that he is mine.

**a few things of note:

at age 3::

Nash copies EVERYTHING. Movies, songs, people. He picks his favorite word or phrase and will keep saying it over and over.

Nash will stay on repeat of the same statement or question until someone acknowledges him. Its highly annoying when his dad is home because Jace can tune him out completely.

Nash loves to play chase with his Papa (my dad) and Jace. He doesnt get to see them as much and he knows that this game will ensure all their attention on him.

Nash loves my dad. He loves my parents house. He constantly asks to go to "grammas house" and see "papas van" and "bebe".

Sleeps with "blanket" and "mr. peddypaws/gnocchi/Figuero" It changes depending on what shows he watches. lol (rescue bots/curious george/mickey mouse)

He loves to watch Tom and Jerry, Mickey Mouse, Thomas the Train, Rescue Bots, Little Eisensteins, An Extremely Goofy Movie, Phineas and Ferb, and Curious George on rotation.

He saw his first movie theater movie Moana and LOVES having it here at home. We've watched it at least 10 times in 11 days. His favorite songs are the voyagers song, your welcome, and shiney. We have the soundtrack in the car and have to listen to shiny at least twice every drive.

He wants to help with things. His new skill is helping to crack the eggs for his breakfast! He also likes to help sweep...even if he doesnt have the coordination for that yet. He also will help carry in groceries and when we are done with the cart, with mommas help he puts it back. He can throw stuff away if I ask him to (and hes only thrown 1 bowl in the garbage!) He has learned to wash his hands by himself...its not entirely clean, so I come in and help him finish, but he can do it!

We have started going potty on the toilet. We are not toilet training yet, but I feel that will come in the not too distant future. He likes to get stickers and how excited we get when he goes. In fact, he'll come in when i go to the bathroom and say "you did it momma!" ha!

Had our first real talk about private parts and why momma's are different than Nashs. (Showers dont happen for momma during the day unless Nash comes in with me.)

He is tall and skinny. He is officially too tall for the ergo backpack (i tried! and failed)

He still adores outside time. Its now in the 90s so swimming isnt too far off. He is signed up for legit swim lessons this summer with the woman who taught ME!

He is a great sport when I have to work. He knows when i drop him off at my parents that I'm working. He looks at me and says "you taking pictures momma?" and when I say yes, he says "okay do good!"

He worries about others. If someone coughs, he asks if they are okay. If they sneeze, he says bless you. My brother Randy will seize and Nash asks if he is okay and apologizes that randy is hurt.

He is so sensitive. I hope he never loses that.

and he loves. He loves everyone. He makes new friends (young and old) where ever we go.

His smile lights up a room. His laugh is contagious. His spirit shines so bright.

These last 3 years have been so amazing. I cant remember what my life looked like without Nash in it. I sure am grateful to be his mother. Happy Birthday my sweet little man!!

Here are some from his 3 year photo shoot....its getting much harder to keep him still! lol

Conflicted

I'm conflicted.

Right now, I am feeling a major NEED to PURGE.

Seriously, if it were possible, i think I'd sell most of our possessions and start over (with the exception of the paint color in most of the house. we JUST re-did that and I love it).

But I know thats not possible.

The inside of our home doesnt have very much storage space. There is one tiny hall closet that was just for linens that i have been trying to make work for a broom closet (hello, vacuum!) as well as games and linens. All other bedroom closets have been stacked full of important papers, old clothes that dont fit, old items from our pre-marriage days that we havent been able to part with, and nashs closet was chalk full of every item of clothing he has outgrown as well as every piece of baby "stuff" (infant car seat, baby bath tub, bouncer, music table, extra diapers he outgrew, teething toys etc) that we could cram in there.

We have a garage out in our backyard (i know weird!) and there is no access for an actual car. Its a HUGE space (that eventually will become our master bedroom/bathroom/closet--WAY down the road) that would be perfect for storage if there was a space to put things.

So, over Jace's PTO (paid time off) from work, I had him build me shelves for my garage. I drew up what I wanted and he went to work. They are dreamy and now I want more! (I'll post pictures as soon as I can get my garage put back together!)

I started putting things back in the garage that was already in there and realized that we needed to get rid of some stuff, especially because the goal was to clear out some much needed closet space IN the house.

So here comes the purge! I've been throwing away, trying to sell a few things, and have quite the collection to donate amasing. I have not been conflicted about ANYTHING...until I got to nash's closet.

Its no secret that I want more children. I long for the day when my arms are holding more babies and when Nash has siblings to play with. Most of his baby stuff will stay with the hope and goal of using them again in the not too distant (i hope!) future. It was super emotional for me. I cried about his tiny shoes. I had forgotten about his mobile. I found the millions of soothie binkies that I forgot we had. And then...the TOYS. I feel like we have a zillion toys and ONE child! I want to put everything i consider "baby" away....but now that he sees it, he keeps playing with them! I mean, more than his other toys! I know that he will forget about them once they are out of sight for awhile. But I mean, you shouldve seen his face when I bagged up some old toys that I told him were going to another little girl or boy to play with. It was like i took away his most favorite thing in the world!

So. I have been letting him play for the last two days with more toys I found. I've been going back and forth in my head--maybe i could leave them out for him to play with....and then THEY NEED TO GO NOW! Super conflicted. lol

Edited: If anyone is wondering, my purge desire has won out over sentimentality. I stuffed them all in a bag and it will be on its way out to the garage ASAP. :)

The worth of a {mom} soul

This may be jumbled. This may only make sense to me. However, I feel impressed to write down my thoughts and feelings right now, so I'm going to do it.

Growing up, I had a very close relationship to my mother. We all did. My father is a wonderful man, but he was a little aloof when we were growing up. My mom is the one who made sure we got to our appointments, our lessons, our practices or games. She was the one making dinner, talking about our day, fixing boo boos, and teaching us things. My dad worked hard. He provided for the family and I knew he loved me. However, he didn't come to recitals or games unless my mom made him. However, he participated in things I know he hated...like the stake roadshow doing a daddy daughter dance to make me happy. But it was my mom I was close to. 

{side note: as I got older, my father and I have a much better relationship, we are much closer and I am grateful to have a good relationship with both of my parents}

As a member of my faith, there is great importance put on the mother and the father in different capacities. The father, the priesthood holder, the patriarch. The mother, the nurturer, the "glue". I grew up hearing and learning wonderful things about being a mother. Raising up the coming generation in the Gospel. Helping them have a relationship with their Heavenly Father. Teaching them manners, teaching them compassion, teaching them kindness and love. Teaching them to serve and look for ways to help others. To accept callings in the church, to work hard in all that they do. To pursue endeavors even if they scared them. To explore their talents. To help them to lift one another up and to ease others burdens.

With my infertility struggle...year after year of not being able to become a mother...I started to lose hope. To question myself. To question my worth. I was put on this Earth to bear children and rear them and teach them to love the Lord. And I was failing. My body wasn't doing what it was intended to. I know that at certain times, Satan was telling me that I wasn't worthy to become a mother. That I had done something wrong or that I wasn't going to be a very good mom to begin with and that is why it was being held from me. Eventually, I'd be able to push those thoughts and feelings away, realize where they were coming from, and move on. But it is so hard. And he is relentless.

Once I finally got pregnant, it was a miracle!! I was so overjoyed and eagerly anticipated my role as a mother. My husband and I had been having some difficulty in our marriage, but I thought it was the strain from the infertility. Things didn't get easier. It was very hard to see my worth at times. Then I developed preeclampsia making it difficult to do my normal things...and I felt that my husband was resentful. I had an unexpected early birth...and the Lord blessed us...Nash was perfect.

I was about to see my role as a mother start.

It was not easy, I knew it wouldn't be. However...I didn't anticipate my blood pressure not returning to normal. I didn't expect to be sick and tired and have it not have anything to do with my newborn. I didn't expect my problems in my marriage to continue and get worse, because my husband felt like I wasn't doing enough as a mom. I was asking too much of him to help out. In short...I felt worthless. My poor baby boy was so colicky...and had such bad reflux. Turns out because of his preemie status, his bowels didn't develop right and so he was in pain alot. I wanted to breastfeed so badly and Nash couldn't latch...so I pumped. And pumped and pumped. My health was iffy, my husband not helping, and I wasn't sleeping. It was a recipe for disaster. I finally got help in the form of medication. And it did help. But Satan kept one foot in the door, just reminding me that I wasn't worth it to my husband to help some. I was a shell of a woman because not only could I not conceive, but now I couldn't feed my son. I was fighting quite the battle that no one was seeing. Except for my Heavenly Father. And every now and then, when I was at my breaking point, I would read something like this:

"When you have come to the Lord in meekness and lowliness of heart and, as one mother said, “pounded on the doors of heaven to ask for, to plead for, to demand guidance and wisdom and help for this wondrous task,” that door is thrown open to provide you the influence and the help of all eternity. Claim the promises of the Savior of the world. Ask for the healing balm of the Atonement for whatever may be troubling you or your children. Know that in faith things will be made right in spite of you, or more correctly, because of you.

You can’t possibly do this alone, but you do have help. The Master of Heaven and Earth is there to bless you—He who resolutely goes after the lost sheep, sweeps thoroughly to find the lost coin, waits everlastingly for the return of the prodigal son. Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be magnified, compensated, made more than you are and better than you have ever been as you try to make honest effort, however feeble you may sometimes feel that to be.

Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. And “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope.” ¹¹ You are doing God’s work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days and your nights may be the most challenging."

And I would feel better. I spent alot of time with my own mother, who helped me. Calmed me. Encouraged me. And cried with me. Her worth was so great in my eyes. I just wanted to be like that for my Nash.

This past year, things have been so hard. Jace finally disclosed that he has had an addiction our entire marriage. Finally things were making sense from years earlier. However, with this new information, I was wondering what was wrong with me. Was I not enough? Am I still not enough? What could I have done differently? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? 

I know, that it wasn't about me. It has absolutely nothing to do with me. However, Satan uses every little thing he can, to push self doubt and make you feel horrible. It has been a battle this year between me and Satan and his horrible, stupid thoughts he keeps throwing at me.

Nash turns 2 next month. He is...challenging...(i guess that's a good word for it!) right now. He is pushing limits and boundaries...testing me to see if I'll follow through on things. Jace works long hours...and Nash doesn't see him until 7-8 PM every night. Jace comes home and is the "fun" parent. Nash cant wait to see his dad. He constantly is asking for him during the day. He looks for him around every corner. 

And instead of making me feel happy that he loves his dad so much, I feel jealous and sad. I feel that in my child's eye, i'm not worth a whole lot. Nash never wants to see me. He doesn't come running to me, he doesn't give me squeezes, He definitely doesn't go around looking for me. And it hurts. So much. I literally give my all to him...because I am his mother and I love him so much I cant believe it sometimes. And it seems like he wants everyone BUT me. And I'm not exaggerating...its actually true. I work some days and he is babysat...and when I come to pick him up, he is mad that he has to come with me. I try my best to be a good mom. We play with trains and toys, we go to parks, we play on the trampoline and swing and go down slides, we go for walks, we read lots of books together, I do little primary lessons and sing songs, I try to teach him of Jesus, we have dance parties in the kitchen while I'm trying to make dinner or do dishes...and yet somehow, all I feel that he takes away, is that I'm the one who spanks his bottom, or raises her voice, or puts him in timeout.

 I'm the one he doesn't want to be around. 

In short...I have felt VERY worthLESS lately.

I decided, that while I was sobbing uncontrollably (in my dark living room, clutching a pillow for support) that I would listen to Elder Hollands talk from last conference. If you haven't read it, please do so. I'll include the link here. I've read it before, many times, but do me a favor and LISTEN to him. Listen to his voice and the love he has for you. And I dare you not to feel like you are worth more than you can imagine. 

My problems are not solved. But I know that I am a daughter of God. I am a mother in Zion and I have a beautiful little boy that hopefully, someday, will want to be my best little friend. It wont change how I feel about him or how I act towards him if he doesn't. My role is that of mother. And that will never change.

"To all of our mothers everywhere, past, present, or future, I say, “Thank you. Thank you for giving birth, for shaping souls, for forming character, and for demonstrating the pure love of Christ.” To Mother Eve, to Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel, to Mary of Nazareth, and to a Mother in Heaven, I say, “Thank you for your crucial role in fulfilling the purposes of eternity.” To all mothers in every circumstance, including those who struggle—and all will—I say, “Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are. In fact, you are saviors on Mount Zion,¹³ and like the Master you follow, your love ‘never faileth.’¹⁴ ” I can pay no higher tribute to anyone."

Crappy Immune System

So i'm in the middle of my 4th...yes FOURTH sinus infection. In 2 months. I barely have time to stop taking the antibiotics and then i'm sick again. This time, it hit hard. My weak immune system was pretty much nothing and i got bombarded with the sinus infection, and a cold, and some respiratory junk. Basically, I want to rip my lungs OUT and head OFF. 

I had a family contact me before Halloween about photographing their childs birthday/big family holiday party December 17th. I agreed. I've been so sick, but I had been on antibiotics for 2 days, and I had to do it. It was too late to cancel.

So off I went in the 45 degree weather and danced around the Wright house grounds for 2.5 hours snapping away. I think the family will be pleased. It was beautifully decorated (very lavish if i'm being honest!!), they had a green screen, santa and mrs clause as well as 2 elves...me, and a face painter. It was a production!! 

I drove back home, and curled up on my couch in my jammies.

And i've been doing that since. Poor Nash. I feel like I've been a crappy mom the last couple months. With me being so sick, we havent been outside much...you know...like hardly EVER. I'm my harshest critic and worst enemy. I feel like I should be at a certain standard and I never seem to reach it, no matter how hard I try. Maybe I just keep raising the bar for myself...without even knowing about it. 

I dont know. 

Right now, i'm trying to get healthy enough to enjoy Christmas with my family. Nash is old enough this year to get really into opening gifts and playing with toys. I dont want to be miserable/look miserable in the video/pictures/my memory. Thankfully, Nash wont have permanent memory for awhile. Maybe by then I'll have my act together. And a working immune system.

Today

I'm writing this on my phone...we'll see how many things I'll have to fix on the computer later :)

I've been trying to be happier lately. It's been tough. We've got alot of real life problems going on that are no joke. But, there is a quote I love that says everyday may not be good, but there is something good in every day. And that is very true for me.

Nash is still hard. But he's also really fun. He is so smart. He talks so well.

 He's playing with you and a serious joy.

Yesterday I didn't deal well with the day. Nash was nonstop destructo boy and didn't take a nap. The only good thing to come of yesterday was that I bleached and colored my own hair. I was so over yesterday and could t wait for nash to go to bed. Then I felt guilty about feeling that way.

I woke up this morning swearing that today would be different.

 And it definitely wasn't as hard as yesterday. We had ups and downs but more fun. 

I appreciated today more.

We woke up and nash picked a movie to watch while I got him breakfast. Then he played with blocks and I read him books. I paid bills and returned emails. I got him dressed, myself dressed, put some makeup on and WENT OUTSIDE. we went to see jace at work as a surprise. Nash and I went out to barros for lunch. He decided to not take his nap until like an hour and a half past the start of naptime.  :( I went out and organized the whole garage and got our Christmas boxes out.

I had to wake nash up. He was starving. Dinner is cooking so I made him some left overs. We are currently watching Little Einsteins.

He's happy. I'm not unhappy. I haven't yelled today. He's only thrown 2 tantrums. Today most certainly was a better day. 

And there were lots of good moments. :)

Breaking our hearts over here

Day 2.

Nash is SICK.

Vomiting, diarrhea, and fever close to 102.5

He is cuddling like nobody's business.

Making sad whimpering sounds.

Moaning and groaning every time he moves.

Its breaking our hearts to hear him like that.

He does NOT want to be alone, so he has been napping and sleeping with mommy in her arms in her bed.

The Tylenol and Motrin are containing the fever for the time being. If he can hold down the pedialyte and cherrios and dry toast we gave him tonight for dinner...then we wont take him to the doctor. Or if Tylenol stops containing the fever. Then we'll be going in. Funnily enough we are scheduled for his 18 month well check for Wednesday. This has happened the last two well checks. We end up there 2 or 3 days "early" because of illness and then cant get our shots until the next week. GAH.

Praying he feels better....and sleeps better....last night was rough. Although we are supposed to have a flooding storm tonight which means that I dont see sleep in our future.

((This picture was taken after attempt #2 of a nap and our 3rd dosage of Tylenol and 2 dosage of Motrin. I label it "how to tell that the medicine has kicked in".))

Nash 18 months

If you can believe it my boy is 18 months old.

NURSERY AGE.

what the crazy?!

How did he go from this:

to this:

to this:

and this

and this!

HOW?!?!

Well, I'm a bit hormonal (i've got crazy stuff going on inside of me), but I really think its because he is my BABY and I worked so hard and so long to have a baby and now that time is GONE! It just up and zipped past us while we weren't sleeping and busy going to doctors appointments. So unfair!

I am bound and determined to keep remembering how fun he is to distract myself from being sad.

At 18 months Nash:

*weighs 23 pounds and 12 ounces and is 32 and 3/4 inches long! 

*reminds us to have prayer at dinnertime and before all naps and at bedtime.

*loves to point to Jesus in any of our pictures.

*climbs EVERYTHING! favorite place to perch is the couch.

*runs around like a mad man! he never stops!

*just had all 4 canines poke through...making that 16 teeth. 

*loves other kids!!

*signs like you wouldn't believe!!

*is talking well! 

(favorite new words or phrases are: 'are you okay' ('you otay?') 'thank you momma' (tate you moma) 'oh no! its big jet!' (oh no! bid det!) 'dore mom' (its the door mom!) 

'TOOT!'....yeah hes got that one down.)

*loves loves loves outside!!! always wanting to go running, swinging, watching airplanes, 

or chasing bubbles!!

*loves mickey mouse, baby signing time, and little Einsteins.

*LOVES books--we read a thousand of them a day

*loves going to grandma and papa's house to play.

*loves kitties!! he pets and plays with patch and phoebe (my parents cats) and then comes home and cuddles his own kitty cat! (an old stuffed animal of mine)

*loves PB&J sandwiches, green apples, and red grapes.

*ice cream is a rare treat here at our house, and Nash will somehow consume 95% of yours!

*when he knows he is getting into something he shouldn't and I call his name, he comes running--looks at me with those beautiful eyes, big smile, waves and says "Hi!" and then blows me a kiss. Gosh dang it he is smart.

*His favorite place to hide himself is in the cupboard next to the computer or in 

mommy and daddy's closet. 

*He poses for pictures. Such a ham!

*is wearing up to 24 month onsies and jammies--he is SO tall!!! But hes skinny enough that he needs to wear 12-18 month pants.

*nash knows the animals: kitty, dog, frog, horse, bird, "bug", bear, duck, lion, and shark. He knows the corresponding signs to the first 7.

*nothing makes nash happier than going outside with his papa wight and looking at airplanes.

*he gets to meet his uncle joe for the first time EVER in just 12 days!! we've been working really hard and he now knows joes face and name. Hopefully he will "perform" at the airport.

*anything music makes him happy!! every night he asks for his music to be on (its piano music) and he absolutely loves the hot dog dance at the end of mickey mouse clubhouse.

*he loves his blocks, and has to have ALL of them out while playing.

...and a million more things. Being his mom is the best thing I've ever done. 

I love you so much my Nash. Remember always, you were what I prayed and pleaded for. God gave me you. And for that, I will be forever grateful. You filled the cracks in my heart that I didn't even know existed. I cant wait to see what the future holds for you!

The extra help

So, awhile back I wrote a post about how I felt like I was failing at my life--about how I needed help.

 (Read about that here)

Last year in August, I went in to my doctor to discuss the possibility that I had Postpartum Depression. It was not something that I discussed with anyone other than my husband, my mother, and my doctor. I was embarrassed. Good grief, how many new moms were able to handle their new baby and new lives and not need MEDICATION. How many moms were bring home baby #4 and cruising through their life. They were able to have it together, why WHY couldnt I?

I was not depressed in the sense of I couldnt get out of bed, or I stayed in my pajamas all day (which I dont find all that wrong anyway!). I stayed on top of all our doctor appointments for Nash and me. I still had high blood pressure and was seeing a cardiologist. Nash was is his pediatricians office more times than I could count. We also were seeing a gastrointestinal specialist, his PA, a neurologist, and even had an emergency visit to the hospital. 

All of that time, I was only sleeping about 4 hours at night-- and it was interrupted sleep at that. Nash didnt nap. I never got any down time--or time I wasnt having to hold my sad screaming colicky baby. My cleaning of the house, doing laundry, making meals...all of that started falling through the cracks. I was losing my mind. I felt like a bad wife and homemaker...I was angry all the time at my husband because he never ONCE reached out to help me. He slept on at night, instead of taking one feeding like I begged him to. Resentment started building up. I felt like I wasnt cut out to be a mother. This is what I wanted for my entire life and I was failing at it! 

My son was sick, and I was sad and mad all the time. 

My mom is the one who suggested I go talk to my doctor. 

I had to take a "test" to see what kind of depression we were talking about.

He agreed that I had postpartum depression on a mild scale. He suggested an anti-depressant.

Which...made me depressed. I couldnt believe I needed a medication to handle my life.

I took that medication religiously for a year.

 (the minimum time they suggest you be on a medication like that).

 My life seemed to be "evening out" some...

Nash was napping at least once a day for about an hour. He was sleeping about 5 hours at a time at night. He didnt need to held 24/7. We bought a new home that had lots of room for him to explore.

I was ready to get off that medicine.

And then I got news that shook my whole world. Everything I had been living was built around a horrible, dark, scary lie. I knew I needed that medication longer.

When I finally felt like I could try going off of it (about 2 months after the devastating news), my mother didnt want me to go off the anti-depressant. She was worried about me.

I decided to go for it anyways. I went in to my doctor and we both agreed to wean off it. One month I took half doses...things seemed to be fine...nothing out of the normal really. The next month I was off it completely. For the first 2 weeks, I felt totally normal. I was back to not getting alot of sleep though. Nash was experiencing night terrors as well as having 4 canines coming through at once.

 But I was feeling--okay.

The last 2 weeks have been SO up and down. I find myself feeling very down. Not as bad as it was in the beginning, but close. I feel like I'm failing at keeping all the balls in the air i'm trying to juggle. Being a good, interactive mom. Starting and promoting my new business. Keeping a tidy home. Making our meals. Keeping track of all appointments and bills. Trying to have a relationship with my husband. Embracing my new calling as laurel adviser and teaching every week with mutual every week as well. Everything has seemed to slip through my fingers at one point. 

AND THE CRYING.

Oh the crying. I can read a touching story. Watch a video clip of a dog. See my son learning something new. Watch property brothers. I START CRYING AT EVERYTHING. 

What is going on with me!??!

I was so confused. Apparently, there will be hormonal shifts as my body tries to adjust and go back to "normal". It could be months before I'm back to my old self. I knew that, but now I KNOW its gonna be awhile. 

I have been so grateful for that little "extra help"....the one I didnt know I needed.

The one that I feared people would shame me for.

Now without it, I realize what a help it actually was. I am grateful for modern medicine and doctors who care. I'm grateful for my mom for pushing me to go talk to my doctor. I'm grateful that Nash is doing better--enough that I feel sane. And I'm grateful for my mind and body...I'm grateful that I was able to create life and to carry that sweet boy, and that i'm doing my best in being the best mother I can be. I'm grateful to know that we can overcome obstacles. 

And that things are only "stigmas" if we let them be. 

Cue Honesty

There are lots of things that I dont say.

There are lots of things that I dont show.

I hide them from others.

For fear of them making light of my hardships.

For fear of them making fun of me for my hopes and dreams.

For fear of no support.


Enough.

Cue Honesty.

My husband has had an addiction that I knew nothing about. It devastated me. Its been hard.

I want another baby so badly, but have no idea when or even IF it will happen.

I love my son so much it hurts. It also hurts when he seems to want everyone else BUT me.

I have a beautiful home. I'm a good cleaner. However 97% of the time it looks like a bomb went off.

I have NO idea how to stay on top of all the yard work we need to do.

There are dirty dishes ALWAYS in my sink.

My son throws his food. EVERY SINGLE MEAL.

Im lucky to take 2 showers a week. A WEEK.

Makeup has only been on my face 6 times in the last MONTH.

Nash keeps getting sick and it worries me. He also wont nap which cant be good for him.

I started my own business and i've had clients all week. Its been awesome! But i'm scared it wont last.

I worry that I'm not enough. That I dont do enough. That I dont matter enough.

But i'm working on all of it.

Today for example. I washed all of my dirty dishes. I put a load of laundry through. I showered with Nash, got us both dressed, did my hair and makeup and cut 2 kids hair this afternoon. I picked up the family room and dining room while Nash "napped"and I'm currently editing a picture for someone.

Life is hard. Its scary. Its alot to handle sometimes. But I'm working on it. :)

Dont want to forget...

Nash is growing and changing at such a rapid pace.

I thought he transitioned from newborn to baby quickly...the transition from baby to toddler is even faster!

He is such a busy boy. He is so curious. Always exploring. Always asking to read a thousand books. Wanting to watch his signing time. Wanting to go to grammas and see her and papa and the kitties. Wanting to jump in the pool. (which he does!) Asking for things correctly. Copying me, noises I make or hand gestures. Saying something over and over until he finally feels that he has said it correctly. Folding his arms by himself when we say its time for prayer and then saying Amen after.

The other day was a pretty frustrating one. Nothing was seeming to go right. I went to the bathroom for 1 minute. I could hear nash in the kitchen. I came out and see that he has taken papers that were on the counter and thrown them all around the room and was stuffing a few into the garbage can. So I clean that up and tell him that we dont do that. Then I needed to call Jace and talk to him about something with our mortgage. I was looking at a paper to give him a phone number when I looked to my left and nash has taken most of our kitchen garbage out and thrown it all over the floor--right before he was able to push the whole can over. CRAZY. So, as I was cleaning up THAT delightful mess, he walks over to our carport door, stands on his tippy toes....AND OPENS IT AND TRIES TO ESCAPE! Are you kidding me kid??

As frustrating as all that was...it just reminded me that he is growing up. And while that is fun and exciting...I'm going to miss my little man. 

Easter 2015

This year Easter was interesting.

First, it was General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I love Conference so much...even more so now as a mother. Its also about a zillion times harder to watch and glean things from conference when you have a little one yelling in your ear, pulling your hair, wanting food, needing a diaper change or a nap. But oh so worth it!! Some of my favorite quotes:

Saturday night my older brother ended up needing to go to the hospital. I drove my parents and loaded randy up and dropped them off around 2 AM. They spent the majority of Easter Sunday in the ICU with my brother. My other brother and his family came over, finished conference, went and saw mine and jaces new house! :), took some Easter pictures of the kids, and then I made French toast for dinner. It was sad that Randy and my parents weren't home for most of the day, but when they come home we'll get to watch conference over with them and talk about all the great things we learned.

 I know that my Redeemer lives!!

Now enjoy pictures of our cute kids....