Saturday, December 24, 2016

Hallelujah Christmas

"A Hallelujah Christmas"
(originally by Leonard Cohen)

I've heard about this baby boy
Who's come to earth to bring us joy
And I just want to sing this song to you
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
With every breath I'm singing Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

A couple came to Bethlehem
Expecting child, they searched the inn
To find a place for You were coming soon
There was no room for them to stay
So in a manger filled with hay
God's only Son was born, oh Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

The shepherds left their flocks by night
To see this baby wrapped in light
A host of angels led them all to You
It was just as the angels said
You'll find Him in a manger bed
Immanuel and Savior, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

A star shown bright up in the east
To Bethlehem, the wisemen three
Came many miles and journeyed long for You
And to the place at which You were
Their frankincense and gold and myrrh
They gave to You and cried out Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I know You came to rescue me
This baby boy would grow to be
A man and one day die for me and you
My sins would drive the nails in You
That rugged cross was my cross, too
Still every breath You drew was Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Baby Luke + Family

Sweet Luke was supposed to see me when he was (alot) smaller, but the poor thing kept getting sick! As a mom to a preemie, I completely understand!!
Luke was born at 35 weeks, just like my little guy, but he was a bit bigger. However he didn't escape being immuno-compromised! 
So we needed to wait until he was healthy enough, which brought us to his almost 4 month birthday!

This sweet family brought in some fun props--dad's college football helmet and some sports toys. I think this boy might be an athlete. We'll see!! Enjoy the pictures!

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Alexxa and Yaretzy (Twins!) Cake smash

These gorgeous girls turned ONE and mom wanted special portraits to celebrate.

These cute twins had custom dresses and headbands and cute personalities to boot!!

Once they got their first taste of cake--everyone in the room disappeared and they were in heaven!!
(Alexxa in Purple, Yaretzy in Pink)

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Alcantar Family

This sweet little family visited me one evening.
Mom originally wanted to do a newborn session with their newer baby, but also wanted updated portraits of her older kids for the holidays.

Again, easy fix! Combine the two. :) That's why I love being a "all around" photographer. I don't only do one type of photography.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Well this stinks.

For a long while on this blog, I was careful about what I wrote.

People never really knew what was going on FOR REAL. Things were rosy (for the most part) and I wasnt supposed to let people know when I was struggling.

Then I decided enough was enough and to open up about my infertility struggle. I do not regret this.

Since then I've expressed my feeling of inadequacy or frustration with being a mother at times. I dont regret this.

I also opened up and started talking about my husbands addiction. I also do not regret this.

Some people find it unsettling to be open and honest. Some people might not understand why you arent being more positive when you post things.

This is my journal. I print this blog up every year and this is a record of my life. I dont want to look back and think, "why did I hide this?" or have my kids think that everything was peachy and if their life isnt then something is wrong with them.

Life is messy. Its hard and frustrating and sad at times. Its also happy, and funny, and great at others. I believe in showing both sides to life.

And on that note: my journal entry for today.

I'm a photographer. I have been so busy lately and its been wonderful. I have apprecited all my clients and enjoyed my time with them. What people dont see is the countless hours I spend on their sessions. To prepare for them--scouted locations, getting babysitters, and spending time away from my son. While I am there--working with families and differing personalities to get a good shot, having different backdrops, and doing my best to be quick and efficient. And then when I get home-- the hours and hours of edited I do. During naptimes, and staying up late into the night working. Sometimes having to do edit while a certain 2 year old is bouncing on the couch next to me while rescue bots plays in the background. (I try to do my editing while nash is asleep if you cant see why!)

I put my heart and soul into each photo shoot. I pray that I will be inspired for the family and that things go well. And sometimes they dont. You have grumpy babies or young kids who dont want to be there. There is unexpected events and the clients are late and you lost alot of light. Your computer crashes and is in the shop for a week...

The past few days I have received more negative comments than I ever have before. I know you are bound to get bad reviews or grumpy people, unrealistic expectations, or not being on my A game that day. But wow. These have hurt. So many right in a row. I feel horrible.

I already struggle with self worth and feeling like I'm enough. This goes back to when I was a kid. (Thanks, therapy!) I had girls literally tell me that I wasnt good enough or cool enough or pretty enough to be their friend anymore. And they kicked me to the curb. That happened twice in elementary school. I was heartbroken. In high school, I didnt date. Not because I didnt want to, but because the boys were more interested in other girls. (my best friend being one of them). I felt like I wasnt good enough. And so on and so forth through my young adulthood until learning of Jace's addiction and the betrayal I now carry around. The same feelings applied to that. I felt worthless, less than, not important, not enough, etc.

Most days now, I dont think about that or feel that. But every now and then something happens, like all the negative feedback at once, and I feel like a wave is crashing down on me and I cant breathe. I feel paralyzed. I dont want to work, I dont want to see anyone. I believe the clients with what they said. Maybe i'm just not good enough. And what it boils down to is, maybe i'm just not enough. Period.

The intent of me writing this is not for sympathy and I really dont want anyone rolling their eyes at me. I just needed to write it. I needed a friend to listen and this empty blogger page was that friend. Tomorrow will be better.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Elisha Maternity + family

The Taft family just recently moved to Arizona from the Bay area (San Francisco) and mom is due with her second baby in the new year. Elisha really wanted to document the pregnancy with maternity pictures, but also wanted new updated family pictures in their new surroundings! 

So, easy peasy, we combined the two! I had them meet me at the Riparian preserve (just a few minutes from their house) and spent a bit in the afternoon documenting this beautiful family! Cant wait to meet your new little girl Taft family!!

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Baby Noah

Noah man was 4 months old when he visited me! This sweet little guy was killing me in his cute outfit and with his flirtatious smiles!! He would be smiling at me one minute, but as soon as my camera came out, he became very concerned and unsure of what was going on.

I loved working with this sweetie--and cant wait till he visits again once he is sitting on his own!!