Day 12 post transfer

We found out today (August 17th), at 12 days post embryo transfer, that our two beautiful babies didn't "stick". To say our entire family is devastated would be an accurate description. We talked about these babies everyday. We talked about names, what they would look like, how our lives would change once they got here. Nash was talking about how the babies would be in the room next to him and that he could be a big help to me. His comment to me when I told him the news was (with a drooped head and slumped shoulders) "but then ill still be all alone...."and I broke. 

The grief has been coming in waves for me. I was SO sure this was finally it for us...i mean we had our babies created and placed in my uterus for crying out loud. As a woman, and a woman with infertility, its impossible to not blame myself. Maybe I did something wrong, maybe I did my meds wrong, maybe I didn't have enough faith...the list goes on. 

Sure, I know better logically. But for now the pain is speaking louder than logic. 

I now have to prepare myself to miscarry. 

Maybe someday. 💔

This phrase spoke to me...except we don't THINK this all we want, we do WANT it.

Day 5 post transfer

I joined a "IVF TRANSFER IN AUGUST" group on Facebook. I thought it would be good support...but honestly its making me more nervous and in my head. Some of the women who transfered the same day as me or even after me are already taking pregnancy tests!  

What in the world?!

What if its negative? Then you're miserable for 2 weeks, but COULD actually be pregnant. What if its a false positive? Then you spend 2 weeks overjoyed only to be heartbroken 💔. 

I am so nervous. There is so much riding on this. So much time, so much money, so much hope and prayers!

Transfer day!!

I passed my 3rd test!! 

4 days ago, I started my new protocol. I now take progesterone cream twice a day and jace has to give me a large shot in my butt of progesterone in oil, plus the estradiol pills twice a day and the estrace cream at night PLUS all of my other pills and supplements. 

shwew. 

I'm constantly sore, and my body has changed thanks to the bloating and swelling from the meds. 

I've done the progesterone shots to jump start my period before, but i'm doing these every day and I have never been more sore. Laying down and rolling over is ROUGH.

My hormones have definitely shifted...my patience level is at a 0. 

We got our for sure transfer date for our sweet embryos! August 5th! 

I'm so excited, nervous, tired, sore, anxious...all of the things!

Also, Nash starts online school tomorrow (day before my transfer...) We will see how it goes! 

IVF

Wow.

Every time I think that there can NOT be possibly more information to take on in regards to fertility, I AM MISTAKEN!

For you women who can get pregnant and not think about it, I feel it would truly blow your mind. I have been going through infertility for 8 years, and treatments for 7 AND I'M CONSTANTLY BLOWN AWAY.

The amount of medications, the amount of doctors appointments, the decisions, the financial burden...its all truly astronomical.

I am starting preparing my body for my embryo transfer, whereby i will (God willing) be pregnant. I'm on so many pills and supplements already. I just picked up my meds for the next 4 weeks...totaling almost $2,000 and it fills my kitchen counter. I will have 4 different alarms set for different medications every SINGLE day. Some meds do the same thing, but cant be taken at the same time, or in the same vein. So like, in the AM and PM i'll be doing pills of one medication, but also right before bed I'll be using a vaginal cream. SAME TYPE OF MEDICATION. Its just crazy town. I will be giving myself shots again and I will be doing upwards of 3 different injections PLUS all the pills and creams almost every single day.

I AM OVERWHELMED.

Plus, while I'm preparing my body for transfer, you have "check in" appointments, where they draw blood, do ultrasounds, tests to make sure my uterus is open (no freaking polyps please!), and scratch the heck out of my lining so the embryo has a nice soft pillow to bury itself into.

I've passed 2 out of 3 tests so far, clearing me for my transfer date.

Please pray for us, for me, and for our embryos!! We are so ready for this part of this journey to be done and move onto the next!!