Moving Forward

Woo boy. August was the literal WORST.

We started online school the same day that I had my IVF transfer. I was on bed rest and then sick or sore (oh how sore!) from all the meds and shots that I had to do everyday. I was crampy and nauseous (all good signs indicating pregnancy), I lost 5 pounds (I lose weight at the beginning of my pregnancies). 

Then 12 days after that we found out that we lost our babies. 4 days after that we had a conversation with our doctor who told us that we had been pregnant and that i will be miscarrying those babies in the next week or so. 

I miscarried our babies.

All the while still homeschooling, and working.

Then we reached out to discuss another transfer. My IVF coordinator Daina set it up. Our next transfer is scheduled for October. I have to be on birth control pills and other meds while we monitor my lining and other things leading up to it. 

We are nervous.

But we are ready to move forward.

We don't want to be stuck in the sad. In the what ifs. We have more embryos waiting. Its time to keep going.

I'm also really ready for school to start back up again, even for 2 days a week (which is their modified schedule). Everyone in the freaking state has started back up already...why not us?! People are doing Prenda schools--no masks, kids together. Our numbers are going down, not up.

The CDC released information basically owning up to numbers being inflated. Covid is real (our net door neighbor KaraLyn is a nurse had it, so did our neighbors Gary LeSeuer, and Lana Stradling, and Shelice Millett) but its not as deadly for the general population as they have made it out to be. People have lost their livelihoods, the world is in complete chaos, places like New York and California are STILL under lock down 6 MONTHS INTO THIS. 

We are ready to move forward. Yes, our lives will never be the same, but we are ready for our new normal and for people to stop acting how they are acting. We are ready for the election to be over in November so the Democrats and Republicans stop using the American people as their puppets. 

We are ready to move forward past all the blazing HOT weather we are having. Arizona has broken all sorts of records on how many days in a row we have had temps over 110. We have basically not had any monsoon rains.

September in our house is better known as "Sucktember" and I really hope that that doesn't hold up this year. August was sucky, I don't need September to be as well.

Transfer day!!

I passed my 3rd test!! 

4 days ago, I started my new protocol. I now take progesterone cream twice a day and jace has to give me a large shot in my butt of progesterone in oil, plus the estradiol pills twice a day and the estrace cream at night PLUS all of my other pills and supplements. 

shwew. 

I'm constantly sore, and my body has changed thanks to the bloating and swelling from the meds. 

I've done the progesterone shots to jump start my period before, but i'm doing these every day and I have never been more sore. Laying down and rolling over is ROUGH.

My hormones have definitely shifted...my patience level is at a 0. 

We got our for sure transfer date for our sweet embryos! August 5th! 

I'm so excited, nervous, tired, sore, anxious...all of the things!

Also, Nash starts online school tomorrow (day before my transfer...) We will see how it goes! 

IVF

Wow.

Every time I think that there can NOT be possibly more information to take on in regards to fertility, I AM MISTAKEN!

For you women who can get pregnant and not think about it, I feel it would truly blow your mind. I have been going through infertility for 8 years, and treatments for 7 AND I'M CONSTANTLY BLOWN AWAY.

The amount of medications, the amount of doctors appointments, the decisions, the financial burden...its all truly astronomical.

I am starting preparing my body for my embryo transfer, whereby i will (God willing) be pregnant. I'm on so many pills and supplements already. I just picked up my meds for the next 4 weeks...totaling almost $2,000 and it fills my kitchen counter. I will have 4 different alarms set for different medications every SINGLE day. Some meds do the same thing, but cant be taken at the same time, or in the same vein. So like, in the AM and PM i'll be doing pills of one medication, but also right before bed I'll be using a vaginal cream. SAME TYPE OF MEDICATION. Its just crazy town. I will be giving myself shots again and I will be doing upwards of 3 different injections PLUS all the pills and creams almost every single day.

I AM OVERWHELMED.

Plus, while I'm preparing my body for transfer, you have "check in" appointments, where they draw blood, do ultrasounds, tests to make sure my uterus is open (no freaking polyps please!), and scratch the heck out of my lining so the embryo has a nice soft pillow to bury itself into.

I've passed 2 out of 3 tests so far, clearing me for my transfer date.

Please pray for us, for me, and for our embryos!! We are so ready for this part of this journey to be done and move onto the next!!

Covid19

I've been thinking about, processing, dealing with, etc for now 12 weeks about the novel coronavirus--covid19.

TWELVE WEEKS. 3 months.

That is how long I've had Nash home 24/7. That is how long we have been in "quarantine".

My mother keeps saying that I need "to write it all down. my kids and grandkids will want to know." but honestly, its felt so very overwhelming I didnt know where to start. And honestly, I still dont. There is so much that wont be said...mostly because its been so much that I cant remember it all.

A short breakdown: A horrible virus "escaped" from a lab in Wuhan China. Chinese officials lied about how many got sick and how many were dying. The WHO also didnt report real numbers. This virus attacks the respiratory system and especially in those with weakened immune systems, or those who have pre-existing conditions. However, it doesnt care who it infects. The elderly, men, women, children....healthy, pre-existing conditions, what have you. So many thousands have died. It has affected so many different nations.

The world as a whole was on lockdown trying to slow the spread of this virus.

Our president shut down our borders, no one in or out.

We were asked to stay in our homes and quarantine. Businesses were shut down, doors locked. Unless you were essential...thankfully Jace works for the bank...which was essential. We were not left without income. However, my photography business was shuttered for 2 months. I'm just barely getting it back up and running. Jace was now working from home...to make sure we werent being exposed.

We have my parents and randy especially who would not survive if he contracted this. We have been very careful.

I had a sinus infection and needed to get antibiotics from my doctor at the start of all this. I was asked to wear a mask (we all were later on), wait in my car while they prepared a special room for me, I was taken in a back door to avoid everyone else ::in case:: my symptoms were that of covid. They werent....it was a sinus infection.

You were/are still supposed to be shopping once a week. One person in a mask, once a week to limit exposure. People freaked out and bought everything. It was hard to find food and supplies for almost 2 months. Now we know why our church leaders have been telling us to have a supply of food on hand...a year is best, but at minimum a 3 month supply. I was doing the shopping for my family and my parents so they didnt have exposure. Milk was limited to 1 gallon a person (if you could find it). The stores 3 months later are just starting to have bleach and toilet paper on their shelves. They still arent stocked but they are starting to be signs of things coming back. Cleaning supplies, hand sanitizer, frozen foods, meat, bread, milk, eggs, and ANY paper goods--plates, TP, paper towels, etc, FLOUR, sugar, salt, rice....all of that has been GONE. I have been lucky and found some TP here and there....finally found some flour at costco and some rice at Frys. Everything has been piece meal. It has been truly crazy.

Through the craziness of the food shortage...I never felt panic though. We had enough. We would be okay. And we have been. Its all about having Faith over Fear. I have trusted in my Heavenly Father and we have been blessed.

I have been doing my best to reach out and minister to our families. I have been baking bread and sharing it.

We planted a garden with our tax return this year. It happened right after quarantine. We have been wanting to and this got our butts in gear. We have already harvested some radishes. We have a head of lettuce growing, a couple of carrots, radishes, some sweet peas, some broccoli, some bell pepper plants (with one pepper), a cherry tomato plant, and some watermelon. It has been trial and error and I think i've finally figured it out. We installed a drip system and its nice to not have to go out and water twice a day. Nash planted some flowers from seeds and they are starting to bloom. He is over the moon.

(planted March 31st 2020)

(planted March 31st 2020)

School was cancelled immediately. I became a homeschool mom with someone elses curriculum. The school adjusted as best as possible with online learning. It was trippy. We would go get lunch a couple days a week at the school, even though we couldnt get out of the car or see anyone really, it was a chance to get out of the house. I cried one of the times I got to go get some groceries for pick up. I miss having anytime of quiet now.

(our homeschool set up)

My anxiety has been up and down and up and down. Through all of this though, I have been honest with Nash in the simplest way without adding fear. He understands that he cant see his friends, or go to school, go to church, play coach pitch, go to his singing class, or even hang out at his grandparents, because we want to keep everyone as safe as possible. He knows that this virus is killing people. He knows that momma and daddy want him safe and healthy.

All of our temples and church houses were closed. What a weird and scary time. We had General Conference at home broadcasted as usual, but the only people allowed during conference were those speaking. The music was pre-recorded. The brethren were sitting 6 feet apart in social distancing standards. President Nelson announced a new symbol for our church. And new temples. And his love and faith that everything will be okay.  We also got to participate in a Hosanna Shout. Nash's first. And we were invited to participate in a WORLD WIDE fast. <3 nbsp="" p="">

We have been able to have Sacrament meeting in our home and that has been special. I hope Nash always remembers that. All missionaries were sent back to their home countries. Some are finally getting reassigned within their home countries.

My business was able to officially open March 18th with new policies due to covid19.
Some businesses arent open yet in the country. Everyone is having to open in phases.

Schools for Arizona announced yesterday that they will reopen in the fall, but there will be major changes. We are supposed to hear what that means in June. I am nervous.

Nash asked when we will get back to normal. I told him that we will never go back to what was his normal. Things will be new. We will deal with and adapt as best as we can.

My fertility doctor called and since Arizona is opening things up, we can resume with our IVF plans. Its happening and its scary and we are in a scary time, but I'm not waiting. Faith over Fear. Its been our motto and will continue to be so.

Nash turns 6 in Quarantine!

So Nash's 6th birthday had been in the planning stages since January.

He knew 3 things:
Who he wanted to invite (Shawn Kerrigan, Mason, Liam, Silas, Grey and Henry, Evan, and Maximus--from school)
What type of party: PIRATES!!
What type of cake: Chocolate with chocolate frosting!

I ordered lots of fun things, planned lots of fun little activities for the boys. Talked with the moms. Everything was set.

Then the coronavirus hit and sent our country into a lockdown "quarantine"...literally the week of Nash's birthday/party.

I, of course, postponed his party (but it doesnt look like it will be happening...we will just have to do it next year, hope he still likes pirates!) But my sweet little boy's world just got rocked. No one had done a quarantined birthday, so I had to make it up as I went. It was a very rainy day which was a bummer. But I had Jace make Nash a big breakfast of pancakes, bacon, and eggs (his favorites!), we downloaded new video games for him and Jace and I played for a LONG while, I made his birthday signs of course, we gave him his new bat early and we went to a park (before those were shut down) and played for hours! We visited Papa at work (through a window), got neds to go for lunch (you could only do to go from places!) We then got Barros to go for dinner and went to gramma and papa's house (before we quarantined for good) to open presents. I made his chocolate with chocolate cake and we had a good time.

(going to bed, last night of being 5!)

(Ned's at the park on a cold and rainy quarantined day!)

(He was SO pumped to be in coach pitch...before all of this and before baseball was cancelled, we bought him a bat of his own for his birthday. We broke it in with batting practice!)

(He kept calling himself a "slugger!" It was adorable.)

(Before we started staying away from Gramma and Papa's house...he had to celebrate his special day with them and pizza!)

(Some of his "loot"! Lots of books, legos, flashcards, math games, shark stuff...it all helped to keep him entertained and doing homeschool stuff during quarantine!)

He said he loved his birthday, and I really hope he did.

He is my very best thing. I love that kid so much and I hope he always knows that.

I am your biggest fan and supporter Nash! You are smart and kind, you love hard, you are so inquisitive, you want everyone to be your friend, you have a great imagination, you love your family, and you always try your best! All fantastic qualities!! Being your mom is my favorite thing I've ever done! Dont you forget that you are my BFF forever!! xoxoxo

Our Journey Part Dos...2020

I cant believe this. I cant believe this. I cant believe this.

I have been in such a state of grief...its hard to write this post.

Towards the end of February as I mentioned, we met back up with Dr. Craig to discuss IVF. He had me get a progesterone shot that day to start a period and start a cycle with meds as a "baseline" or maybe for an IUI should we get some good follicles.

It took me a little longer than normal to start a period. But I did. And I started all my meds. I was to go in on Day 9 for my "10 day ultrasound" and an HSG ultrasound making sure my tubes were clear. The regular ultrasound was to be first.

I had been trying not to get my hopes up, seeing as last year i basically produced nothing after the first month of trying.

She started the ultrasound and I STARED AT THE SCREEN IN COMPLETE SHOCK. My ovaries were double their size FULL of giant follicles! The ultrasound tech was blown away. I mean, she stopped counting after she found 30 mature follicles. Close to 20 is the goal, and I had 4 measuring at 20,20,20,21! I knew that an IUI would be out of the question...last year in Feb I had 12 and it was a no-go. So I looked at her excited and said, we are ready to move forward with IVF!

She had to talk to the Dr. and I went into the waiting room to talk to Jace. I told him excitedly how many follicles and he was on his way to the doctor to see what was next. As soon as I got off the phone with him, they called me back into a room. The ultrasound tech said, "So...you see...no one is going to be here next week starting today, so we cant take a collection and there wont be anyone here to watch the embryos." I was DUMBFOUNDED. I was in shock. You mean to tell me, I have all of these follicles, my body FINALLY didnt let me down--it did exactly what we wanted, we are mentally and financially prepared to go forward with IVF and you are telling me THAT I CANT BECAUSE YOU ARE LETTING EVERYONE IN THE LAB GO ON SPRING BREAK?! I lost it. Started crying. This cute nurse, who has been with us since we started trying for NASH stayed with me. I just didnt know what to do or say and I was literally about to have a full on break down. I needed to get out of there. So I did. I called Jace in the parking lot unable to talk. He was on his way to me.

He opened my car door where I was inside literally having a panic attack and full scale meltdown. I threw myself at him and just sobbed and sobbed. He had us go back in to talk to the nurse so she could explain it to him. Nothing changed of course with that other than he started crying and we got the nurse crying too. Nothing like ruining everyone's day.

So, now I wait. I wait to start a period, which will be painful because of all the follicles. I will have to have excess cysts drained (no idea what that means or what goes into it) and we will have to start all over.

One of the worst parts of all of this is that all year in 2019 we prayed and prayed and fasted and prayed to know the direction in which to go. Is this the right course of action? Should we stay with Dr. Craig? Do we keep going with IUI's? Do we try IVF? Are we supposed to stop trying to have more kids?

And the only answer we felt we received was that we were not done with having kids and that it wasnt time to look at adoption. Thats it.

So this year, we continued praying, but also said, we are going to move forward with this and make this happen (IVF financially speaking), please let us know if this is the right move. AND ON DAY 9 my ovaries exploded. It felt like Heavenly Father finally was answering me. And then because of a HORRIBLE miscommunication from my Doctor to me and them just assuming my body wasnt going to produce that I missed out on this.

I am grieving the loss of my future. I had possible and PROBABLE multiple children in this cycle. And they were taken away.

I will get through this. We will get through this. Things are just painful right now. I am angry and devastated and miserable and tired.

Wellp.

So...my last published post was in June of last year. THAT IS ALMOST  A FULL YEAR AGO.

Shame on my journal game.

Well...there really is no way to play catch up. I will do a quick summary of the end of our year in 2019 and beginning of 2020.

In July we splurged and went with my family to Bigfork Montana to see my grandparents. Nash had never met them and the last time I had seen them in person, I announced my pregnancy with him. I missed them. My grandparents are getting older now and their memories are fading a bit. I wanted Nash to know them. Wanted him to remember how my grandma flo puttered around her gorgeous yard and took care of the plants. How my grandpa lee smells and how much he loves seeing his family enjoy his home. Wanted Nash to see my very favorite place on earth that houses so many wonderful memories for me. Before things change. I'm now crying just by writing those few words. I cant think of that week in Montana without being so grateful to Jace for helping to make it happen. I would never have forgiven myself if we hadn't gone.

In August Nash started Kindergarten. It was a brutal month. He cried, I cried. Everyday. We survived.

We picked up fertility treatments in September. They did not go well. Jace's sister had a baby girl.

October brought more disappointment with fertility treatments. We splurged for our 10 year anniversary and went to Boston for 5 days. The change, being kid free, forgetting for a bit about the disappointments was just what we needed. Nash stayed with my parents. He had a blast. I took a million pictures with my phone and uploaded a bunch to Instagram for my Chatbooks. Had lots of clients start up for fall minis.

November brought a "miracle cycle", meds given to us by our doctor for one more treatment. We were sure this was it for us. This was the cycle that was going to give us a shot for a baby. Guess what? It wasnt. It was a hard blow. We decided to stop all treatment and figure it out in the new year. I started detoxing off the hormones and was a wreck. I had so many clients this month. They kept me busy and I was grateful.

December was super busy as well with work. Nash started reading really well. Christmas was nice and laid back. Jace surprised me with an upgraded diamond and that was awesome. Spent lots of time as a family. Grandma Riggs passed away. That was sad. I got to see my cousins Matt, Garrett, and Richie though, and that part was nice.

January 2020 we went to the fertility doctor our insurance covers to discuss IVF. Our insurance said it would be 100% covered (not meds, but still). So we went. Turns out that 100% was a deceiving number. The lab wouldnt be covered. We would still be out well over $12K. The Dr. didnt make us feel comfortable either. The wind was taken out of our sails. I made an appointment to talk with our
"old" doctor to discuss IVF. We had to wait a month. Business was slow. I was in a weird limbo and didnt like it. I was working out everyday and watching was I was eating (on my endocrinologist's suggestions) and wasnt losing weight or changing shape. Getting depressed. Started talking with my cousin Julie about ways to fund/fund raise for IVF. Nash started in a singing group with Jenee Prince once a week.

February killed me with Nash's schedule. Half the month he was only at school for an HOUR every day. I basically lived in my car. He hated it because he didnt get to play with friends and was stuck with me all day every day. It was the worst. He did get to do a field trip to the zoo and I chaperoned. He had a blast. I got in over 14,000 steps that day. He also had his school festival and thought it was awesome. In his own words "its a day i go to school, but dont learn anything, just have fun!" Finally got in to my Dr. He was a breath of fresh air and had multiple options and suggestions (as always). He made us feel more at ease. Talked to his financial girls and found out because of all the $$$ we spent on IUI's we would get a nice little discount on IVF...making it the same cost there as at the new place that made us feel icky. Decided to stay with who we know and who gave us our little miracle 6 years ago. Signed Nash up for coach pitch to start in March. Randy spent a little over a week in the hospital with Pseudomonas.

March--we just started. Nash and I have planned out his birthday party since he is turning 6 in just a couple of weeks. We have all been sick, nash is currently on antibiotics for a sinus infection and I think I may have one too. The coronavirus is kind of scary, running rampant, and infecting everyone. Trying my best to keep my family healthy enough to get through it when it hits. Not panic-ing like lots of people or treating it like its nothing like others. I live in the middle. I'm taking meds that give me migraines and cause swelling in my extremities. Super fun. We planned to go to LA to spend time with Jeff and the girls for the last part of our Spring Break next week. We'll have to see if we will be healthy enough to go. Really could use a break and the beach sounds awesome! Jace's parents and sister and her family are coming during spring break too, so we will get to meet Jen's newest kid--little Elena.

You are now caught up. 9 months condensed pretty well. Of course there were other things that happened...some good, some bad. Life goes on. I will try to do better about posting as this is my journal. I really dont think anyone reads this anymore, so its for me and my posterity.