I cant believe this. I cant believe this. I cant believe this.
I have been in such a state of grief...its hard to write this post.
Towards the end of February as I mentioned, we met back up with Dr. Craig to discuss IVF. He had me get a progesterone shot that day to start a period and start a cycle with meds as a "baseline" or maybe for an IUI should we get some good follicles.
It took me a little longer than normal to start a period. But I did. And I started all my meds. I was to go in on Day 9 for my "10 day ultrasound" and an HSG ultrasound making sure my tubes were clear. The regular ultrasound was to be first.
I had been trying not to get my hopes up, seeing as last year i basically produced nothing after the first month of trying.
She started the ultrasound and I STARED AT THE SCREEN IN COMPLETE SHOCK. My ovaries were double their size FULL of giant follicles! The ultrasound tech was blown away. I mean, she stopped counting after she found 30 mature follicles. Close to 20 is the goal, and I had 4 measuring at 20,20,20,21! I knew that an IUI would be out of the question...last year in Feb I had 12 and it was a no-go. So I looked at her excited and said, we are ready to move forward with IVF!
She had to talk to the Dr. and I went into the waiting room to talk to Jace. I told him excitedly how many follicles and he was on his way to the doctor to see what was next. As soon as I got off the phone with him, they called me back into a room. The ultrasound tech said, "So...you see...no one is going to be here next week starting today, so we cant take a collection and there wont be anyone here to watch the embryos." I was DUMBFOUNDED. I was in shock. You mean to tell me, I have all of these follicles, my body FINALLY didnt let me down--it did exactly what we wanted, we are mentally and financially prepared to go forward with IVF and you are telling me THAT I CANT BECAUSE YOU ARE LETTING EVERYONE IN THE LAB GO ON SPRING BREAK?! I lost it. Started crying. This cute nurse, who has been with us since we started trying for NASH stayed with me. I just didnt know what to do or say and I was literally about to have a full on break down. I needed to get out of there. So I did. I called Jace in the parking lot unable to talk. He was on his way to me.
He opened my car door where I was inside literally having a panic attack and full scale meltdown. I threw myself at him and just sobbed and sobbed. He had us go back in to talk to the nurse so she could explain it to him. Nothing changed of course with that other than he started crying and we got the nurse crying too. Nothing like ruining everyone's day.
So, now I wait. I wait to start a period, which will be painful because of all the follicles. I will have to have excess cysts drained (no idea what that means or what goes into it) and we will have to start all over.
One of the worst parts of all of this is that all year in 2019 we prayed and prayed and fasted and prayed to know the direction in which to go. Is this the right course of action? Should we stay with Dr. Craig? Do we keep going with IUI's? Do we try IVF? Are we supposed to stop trying to have more kids?
And the only answer we felt we received was that we were not done with having kids and that it wasnt time to look at adoption. Thats it.
So this year, we continued praying, but also said, we are going to move forward with this and make this happen (IVF financially speaking), please let us know if this is the right move. AND ON DAY 9 my ovaries exploded. It felt like Heavenly Father finally was answering me. And then because of a HORRIBLE miscommunication from my Doctor to me and them just assuming my body wasnt going to produce that I missed out on this.
I am grieving the loss of my future. I had possible and PROBABLE multiple children in this cycle. And they were taken away.
I will get through this. We will get through this. Things are just painful right now. I am angry and devastated and miserable and tired.
Showing posts with label Frustration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Frustration. Show all posts
Monday, March 9, 2020
Wednesday, March 4, 2020
Wellp.
So...my last published post was in June of last year. THAT IS ALMOST A FULL YEAR AGO.
Shame on my journal game.
Well...there really is no way to play catch up. I will do a quick summary of the end of our year in 2019 and beginning of 2020.
In July we splurged and went with my family to Bigfork Montana to see my grandparents. Nash had never met them and the last time I had seen them in person, I announced my pregnancy with him. I missed them. My grandparents are getting older now and their memories are fading a bit. I wanted Nash to know them. Wanted him to remember how my grandma flo puttered around her gorgeous yard and took care of the plants. How my grandpa lee smells and how much he loves seeing his family enjoy his home. Wanted Nash to see my very favorite place on earth that houses so many wonderful memories for me. Before things change. I'm now crying just by writing those few words. I cant think of that week in Montana without being so grateful to Jace for helping to make it happen. I would never have forgiven myself if we hadn't gone.
In August Nash started Kindergarten. It was a brutal month. He cried, I cried. Everyday. We survived.
We picked up fertility treatments in September. They did not go well. Jace's sister had a baby girl.
October brought more disappointment with fertility treatments. We splurged for our 10 year anniversary and went to Boston for 5 days. The change, being kid free, forgetting for a bit about the disappointments was just what we needed. Nash stayed with my parents. He had a blast. I took a million pictures with my phone and uploaded a bunch to Instagram for my Chatbooks. Had lots of clients start up for fall minis.
November brought a "miracle cycle", meds given to us by our doctor for one more treatment. We were sure this was it for us. This was the cycle that was going to give us a shot for a baby. Guess what? It wasnt. It was a hard blow. We decided to stop all treatment and figure it out in the new year. I started detoxing off the hormones and was a wreck. I had so many clients this month. They kept me busy and I was grateful.
December was super busy as well with work. Nash started reading really well. Christmas was nice and laid back. Jace surprised me with an upgraded diamond and that was awesome. Spent lots of time as a family. Grandma Riggs passed away. That was sad. I got to see my cousins Matt, Garrett, and Richie though, and that part was nice.
January 2020 we went to the fertility doctor our insurance covers to discuss IVF. Our insurance said it would be 100% covered (not meds, but still). So we went. Turns out that 100% was a deceiving number. The lab wouldnt be covered. We would still be out well over $12K. The Dr. didnt make us feel comfortable either. The wind was taken out of our sails. I made an appointment to talk with our
"old" doctor to discuss IVF. We had to wait a month. Business was slow. I was in a weird limbo and didnt like it. I was working out everyday and watching was I was eating (on my endocrinologist's suggestions) and wasnt losing weight or changing shape. Getting depressed. Started talking with my cousin Julie about ways to fund/fund raise for IVF. Nash started in a singing group with Jenee Prince once a week.
February killed me with Nash's schedule. Half the month he was only at school for an HOUR every day. I basically lived in my car. He hated it because he didnt get to play with friends and was stuck with me all day every day. It was the worst. He did get to do a field trip to the zoo and I chaperoned. He had a blast. I got in over 14,000 steps that day. He also had his school festival and thought it was awesome. In his own words "its a day i go to school, but dont learn anything, just have fun!" Finally got in to my Dr. He was a breath of fresh air and had multiple options and suggestions (as always). He made us feel more at ease. Talked to his financial girls and found out because of all the $$$ we spent on IUI's we would get a nice little discount on IVF...making it the same cost there as at the new place that made us feel icky. Decided to stay with who we know and who gave us our little miracle 6 years ago. Signed Nash up for coach pitch to start in March. Randy spent a little over a week in the hospital with Pseudomonas.
March--we just started. Nash and I have planned out his birthday party since he is turning 6 in just a couple of weeks. We have all been sick, nash is currently on antibiotics for a sinus infection and I think I may have one too. The coronavirus is kind of scary, running rampant, and infecting everyone. Trying my best to keep my family healthy enough to get through it when it hits. Not panic-ing like lots of people or treating it like its nothing like others. I live in the middle. I'm taking meds that give me migraines and cause swelling in my extremities. Super fun. We planned to go to LA to spend time with Jeff and the girls for the last part of our Spring Break next week. We'll have to see if we will be healthy enough to go. Really could use a break and the beach sounds awesome! Jace's parents and sister and her family are coming during spring break too, so we will get to meet Jen's newest kid--little Elena.
You are now caught up. 9 months condensed pretty well. Of course there were other things that happened...some good, some bad. Life goes on. I will try to do better about posting as this is my journal. I really dont think anyone reads this anymore, so its for me and my posterity.
Shame on my journal game.
Well...there really is no way to play catch up. I will do a quick summary of the end of our year in 2019 and beginning of 2020.
In July we splurged and went with my family to Bigfork Montana to see my grandparents. Nash had never met them and the last time I had seen them in person, I announced my pregnancy with him. I missed them. My grandparents are getting older now and their memories are fading a bit. I wanted Nash to know them. Wanted him to remember how my grandma flo puttered around her gorgeous yard and took care of the plants. How my grandpa lee smells and how much he loves seeing his family enjoy his home. Wanted Nash to see my very favorite place on earth that houses so many wonderful memories for me. Before things change. I'm now crying just by writing those few words. I cant think of that week in Montana without being so grateful to Jace for helping to make it happen. I would never have forgiven myself if we hadn't gone.
In August Nash started Kindergarten. It was a brutal month. He cried, I cried. Everyday. We survived.
We picked up fertility treatments in September. They did not go well. Jace's sister had a baby girl.
October brought more disappointment with fertility treatments. We splurged for our 10 year anniversary and went to Boston for 5 days. The change, being kid free, forgetting for a bit about the disappointments was just what we needed. Nash stayed with my parents. He had a blast. I took a million pictures with my phone and uploaded a bunch to Instagram for my Chatbooks. Had lots of clients start up for fall minis.
November brought a "miracle cycle", meds given to us by our doctor for one more treatment. We were sure this was it for us. This was the cycle that was going to give us a shot for a baby. Guess what? It wasnt. It was a hard blow. We decided to stop all treatment and figure it out in the new year. I started detoxing off the hormones and was a wreck. I had so many clients this month. They kept me busy and I was grateful.
December was super busy as well with work. Nash started reading really well. Christmas was nice and laid back. Jace surprised me with an upgraded diamond and that was awesome. Spent lots of time as a family. Grandma Riggs passed away. That was sad. I got to see my cousins Matt, Garrett, and Richie though, and that part was nice.
January 2020 we went to the fertility doctor our insurance covers to discuss IVF. Our insurance said it would be 100% covered (not meds, but still). So we went. Turns out that 100% was a deceiving number. The lab wouldnt be covered. We would still be out well over $12K. The Dr. didnt make us feel comfortable either. The wind was taken out of our sails. I made an appointment to talk with our
"old" doctor to discuss IVF. We had to wait a month. Business was slow. I was in a weird limbo and didnt like it. I was working out everyday and watching was I was eating (on my endocrinologist's suggestions) and wasnt losing weight or changing shape. Getting depressed. Started talking with my cousin Julie about ways to fund/fund raise for IVF. Nash started in a singing group with Jenee Prince once a week.
February killed me with Nash's schedule. Half the month he was only at school for an HOUR every day. I basically lived in my car. He hated it because he didnt get to play with friends and was stuck with me all day every day. It was the worst. He did get to do a field trip to the zoo and I chaperoned. He had a blast. I got in over 14,000 steps that day. He also had his school festival and thought it was awesome. In his own words "its a day i go to school, but dont learn anything, just have fun!" Finally got in to my Dr. He was a breath of fresh air and had multiple options and suggestions (as always). He made us feel more at ease. Talked to his financial girls and found out because of all the $$$ we spent on IUI's we would get a nice little discount on IVF...making it the same cost there as at the new place that made us feel icky. Decided to stay with who we know and who gave us our little miracle 6 years ago. Signed Nash up for coach pitch to start in March. Randy spent a little over a week in the hospital with Pseudomonas.
March--we just started. Nash and I have planned out his birthday party since he is turning 6 in just a couple of weeks. We have all been sick, nash is currently on antibiotics for a sinus infection and I think I may have one too. The coronavirus is kind of scary, running rampant, and infecting everyone. Trying my best to keep my family healthy enough to get through it when it hits. Not panic-ing like lots of people or treating it like its nothing like others. I live in the middle. I'm taking meds that give me migraines and cause swelling in my extremities. Super fun. We planned to go to LA to spend time with Jeff and the girls for the last part of our Spring Break next week. We'll have to see if we will be healthy enough to go. Really could use a break and the beach sounds awesome! Jace's parents and sister and her family are coming during spring break too, so we will get to meet Jen's newest kid--little Elena.
You are now caught up. 9 months condensed pretty well. Of course there were other things that happened...some good, some bad. Life goes on. I will try to do better about posting as this is my journal. I really dont think anyone reads this anymore, so its for me and my posterity.
Saturday, October 19, 2019
10 years
Jace and I celebrated 10 years of marriage this month. We had started talking about what we would do for the occasion in January when we restarted fertility treatments. We realized that if the treatments were successful (which we had completely believed they would be) I would have either just had a baby or would be hugely pregnant for our anniversary. So honestly, we hadn't planned anything.
Month after month after month of treatments--medications mostly--and my body just wouldn't cooperate. We grew increasingly frustrated and sad. I ended up in a state of depression...functioning but starting to feel hollow. I've had depression before--brought on by postpartum and Jace's addiction. But I also knew that I couldn't take medication while I was doing treatments. So I just kept powering through the disappointment.
In June, we realized that things weren't working...I was at the end of my rope and we had vacations coming up so we paused treatment. As my body weaned off the drugs, I felt a lot better and more like myself. I always forget how awful all the fertility medication makes me feel. While on vacation my body started bleeding heavily and didn't stop for over a month--I finally had to get a shot to make it stop. It was supposed to restart (due to the shot) and we would start treatment back up. I waited another month (Nash started school and IT.WAS.ROUGH.) so I decided I wasn't in a giant hurry.
During all this time, I realized that we hadn't planned anything special for our anniversary because we thought we would be getting someone special with pregnancy. We decided to be impulsive (a bit) and splurge (a lot) and do something I've always wanted and neither of us has done. We purchased non-refundable tickets and booked a nonrefundable hotel to BOSTON! I bought Amtrak tickets for our actual anniversary to go to MAINE to see the Atlantic ocean (my first time!) I was completely panicked at the thought and had to work logistics with my mother who was going to be taking care of Nash for us.
During this time I finally made another appointment with the fertility doctor and we moved forward again with treatment. We had 2 follicles that looked on track to trigger and if all worked out I would've been pregnant while on our trip. Right before we were to leave, I started inescapably bleeding...and my cycle was canceled. We decided to be done with fertility for the year. Our trip came at a really good time...It helped take our minds off of all that crap.
We left on a Sunday at 7 AM and got to Boston at 5 PM. We had so much to do and see and it was so exciting. Our hotel was literally ON the Boston Harbor--like where the Boston Tea Party was. Blew my mind. We walked all around and ended up going for Pizza in the North End to Regina's. It was a long wait and crazy crowded, but it was also good pizza! We walked back to the hotel and took a cab to a target to get 2 things (we ended up with more like every target trip!) I needed bubble bath for the soaker tub at the hotel and kerig hot chocolate cups! We also grabbed Pepsi (the east coast loves their coke products) and some snacks. We went back to the hotel and watched TV until we passed out.
Monday we slept in a little (for Boston time anyways) got up and got ready to WALK ALL DAY LONG. We walked around the harbor and down to the Boston commons and walked the freedom trail. We saw so many beautiful buildings, and fall colors starting, we saw Paul revere's statue and the old north church, we had lunch and grabbed some pastries at Mike's and relaxed for a bit back at the hotel. We then walked to the South train station and then bus station to find this sandwich shop that one of Randy's paramedics suggested. It was alright. :) We then walked around and found this cute Irish pub and went in for the live music they had going and some cake and ice cream. Our waitress was SO Irish...asking us if we wanted "a wee little something"...made me want to let her know that I'm part Irish!! Fun fact, Nash's name is a family name of mine and the Nash's (it was a surname) came from Ireland!
Tuesday was our Anniversary. I got us up at 7 Boston time (4 our time!) and we hightailed it to the North train station to make it to our 8 am train to Maine! We grabbed hot chocolates and bagels at Dunkin (on EVERY street corner!) and waited to board. Jace slept the whole 2.5 hours on the train but I didnt want to miss everything, I'm glad I didn't sleep because we went through all of New Hampshire and FALL WAS EVERYWHERE!!! The colors were amazing! We finally made it to Portland Maine and went to the Port Head Lighthouse---it was so beautiful! The ocean was...an ocean. But always beautiful ha! The weather was so freaking amazing too. We stopped at a little food truck (Bite into Maine) that our uber driver said had the best "LOBSTAH rolls" and that is what Jace was waiting for. He got one of those, I grabbed a "wicked simple grilled cheese" and we picnicked on the shore of the ocean. So fun. After awhile we grabbed another uber to Old Port where there were lots of shops and restaurants....mostly bars. We relaxed in a park and enjoyed the weather, and headed down to the docks to take videos for Nash. We hung out until we needed to get back to the train. Our ride was uneventful back to Boston but took longer than planned...and even though we ran back to our hotel, up to our room, changed, and ubered as fast as possible to the fancy restaurant we had reservations at, we were 5 min late and they gave away our spot. We found another way too expensive restaurant and ate there, then went back to top of the hub for dessert and live jazz music. It was 53 floors up and had awesome panoramic views of the city. The night ended a bit of a bummer, but the day was great.
Wednesday we slept in. We both were so sore and tired that we didn't care to move! We had to switch rooms, so we did that and then ubered to Belmont to where the temple is. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SETTING!!! Oh man. The temple was beautiful. We planned to be there for a short time, but they needed help, so we served for a lot longer than we planned. We actually served with a couple from down the street from our home in Mesa!!! What are the odds?!
We got back to Boston and decided to do dinner in Little Italy at Giacomo's--which was our favorite restaurant of the trip! It was so packed that we shared a table with a gal from Atlanta *Amber* who was by herself. It was a pleasant evening, and MAN the food was good. We walked down the street to Mike's pastry again and grabbed more cannolis and a Lobster tail. We took the "long" way home and found a green space park with swings--we hung out there for awhile. We saw rats for the first time in the city while we were there...so weird. We made hot chocolate and went out to drink it by the Harbor when it started raining on us!
Thursday was our last day. We took our time getting ready. It was supposed to be pouring rain all day, but it was just overcast and windy and drizzled a little. We left our bags with the bell hop and went to Quincy Market for lunch and to hang out until we needed to get to the airport. Jace got hot "clam chowdah" in a bread bowl and I grabbed some Mediterranean. We walked around a gigantic Christmas shop and then had to leave. I was struck with the worst migraine I had ever experienced and had to deal with it and nausea for the whole 8.5 hours home. We got in to Phoenix around 830 and grabbed Nash and took him home. Jace had work the next day, and I had to get Nash to school and be "mother helper". Friday was a rough one!
I'm so glad that Jace and I were able to take this trip. It was a whirlwind for sure, and there are some things that I wish we had more time to do but we were able to reconnect, forget about some of the hard things for a few days, and just be. We need to do that more. Maybe not on such a grand scale, but more for sure!
Month after month after month of treatments--medications mostly--and my body just wouldn't cooperate. We grew increasingly frustrated and sad. I ended up in a state of depression...functioning but starting to feel hollow. I've had depression before--brought on by postpartum and Jace's addiction. But I also knew that I couldn't take medication while I was doing treatments. So I just kept powering through the disappointment.
In June, we realized that things weren't working...I was at the end of my rope and we had vacations coming up so we paused treatment. As my body weaned off the drugs, I felt a lot better and more like myself. I always forget how awful all the fertility medication makes me feel. While on vacation my body started bleeding heavily and didn't stop for over a month--I finally had to get a shot to make it stop. It was supposed to restart (due to the shot) and we would start treatment back up. I waited another month (Nash started school and IT.WAS.ROUGH.) so I decided I wasn't in a giant hurry.
During all this time, I realized that we hadn't planned anything special for our anniversary because we thought we would be getting someone special with pregnancy. We decided to be impulsive (a bit) and splurge (a lot) and do something I've always wanted and neither of us has done. We purchased non-refundable tickets and booked a nonrefundable hotel to BOSTON! I bought Amtrak tickets for our actual anniversary to go to MAINE to see the Atlantic ocean (my first time!) I was completely panicked at the thought and had to work logistics with my mother who was going to be taking care of Nash for us.
During this time I finally made another appointment with the fertility doctor and we moved forward again with treatment. We had 2 follicles that looked on track to trigger and if all worked out I would've been pregnant while on our trip. Right before we were to leave, I started inescapably bleeding...and my cycle was canceled. We decided to be done with fertility for the year. Our trip came at a really good time...It helped take our minds off of all that crap.
We left on a Sunday at 7 AM and got to Boston at 5 PM. We had so much to do and see and it was so exciting. Our hotel was literally ON the Boston Harbor--like where the Boston Tea Party was. Blew my mind. We walked all around and ended up going for Pizza in the North End to Regina's. It was a long wait and crazy crowded, but it was also good pizza! We walked back to the hotel and took a cab to a target to get 2 things (we ended up with more like every target trip!) I needed bubble bath for the soaker tub at the hotel and kerig hot chocolate cups! We also grabbed Pepsi (the east coast loves their coke products) and some snacks. We went back to the hotel and watched TV until we passed out.
Monday we slept in a little (for Boston time anyways) got up and got ready to WALK ALL DAY LONG. We walked around the harbor and down to the Boston commons and walked the freedom trail. We saw so many beautiful buildings, and fall colors starting, we saw Paul revere's statue and the old north church, we had lunch and grabbed some pastries at Mike's and relaxed for a bit back at the hotel. We then walked to the South train station and then bus station to find this sandwich shop that one of Randy's paramedics suggested. It was alright. :) We then walked around and found this cute Irish pub and went in for the live music they had going and some cake and ice cream. Our waitress was SO Irish...asking us if we wanted "a wee little something"...made me want to let her know that I'm part Irish!! Fun fact, Nash's name is a family name of mine and the Nash's (it was a surname) came from Ireland!
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