Saturday, May 28, 2016

Cabin Fever

Honest moment here.

I am on day 6 of some horrible sickness. It keeps morphing. First it was just my throat. It was so bad though, my doctor was most confident it was strep. Gave me antibiotics.

Next day I wake up so beyond achy that I barely got myself out of bed and was able to keep Nash alive. The congestion then set in.

Wednesday the sore throat went away and a deep cough set in. Now I cant breathe, have a cough, sneezing like crazy, and still achy.

Yesterday Nash was so over being in our home and not having mommy play with him. He literally grabbed my keys, said "car, gramma". So we went to see them before they left that day WITHOUT us on our vacation. :(  

Today I still feel like garbage. Cough, stuffy, headache, my throat hurts again (from coughing), and SORE. 

Nash isnt the only one with cabin fever though.

I saw something online a few months ago about a calming sensory bottle DIY. I had something similar, not for calming me down per say, but I remember loving watching that thing. So I bought a water bottle and some glue a month ago with every intention of making one for Nash.

This year has really kicked my booty. I am normally so organized and on top of things, it bugs people. Seriously. But this year has been all about surviving my life. I've found that I have had to let go of alot of expectations of myself because I literally cant find away around it in my head. I've done alot of good and stayed on top of the important things--I dont want it to sound like I've been stuck in a hole and i cant/havent been taking care of my home or my son. But things like crafting? That went right out the window when Jace's addiction came to light. It was an unnecessary thing that could potentially cause me MORE stress.

WELL, since i was stuck at home on my "vacation" and cooped up in my house...i stared at the water bottle and glue and just kicked myself. I knew it would be a fast project. So i did it. I made the sensory bottle. And it took 8 minutes. THATS IT. good grief. 

  • VOSS water bottle (it has the best shape/cap to do this with)
  • Elmers glue in CLEAR or sparkly
  • Warm water
  • Glitter (different kinds if desired)
  • Confetti shapes (i didnt have any on hand)
  • Food coloring (if you want/if you use CLEAR glue)
  • Super glue

  • I peeled the VOSS sticker off my bottle and cleaned it up.
  • Next I used 3/4 of a CLEAR bottle of elmers glue.
  • I filled the water bottle up to about an inch from the top with warm water.
  • Then i put in 4 drops of blue food coloring. 
::sidenote:: I was planning on using black glitter and so I should have gone a little easier on the food coloring. Maybe 2 drops would have been enough. My end color is darker than I wanted.
  • After I did the food coloring, I added my desired amounts of white, black, and silver glitter.
  • Put on cap tightly and SHAKE. ALOT.
  • I realized that I wanted more silver specks; so I put more in, put on the cap, and shook it again. 
  • It was what I wanted, so I took the cap off, super glued around the top of the bottle, and put the cap back on TIGHTLY. 
  • I waited an hour and gave it to my 2 year old.
  • He loves it.

Friday, May 27, 2016

Because I'm sure to forget


"Whacha doo-ning?" (whatcha doing)

"Where ah you?!" (said with his hand by his mouth calling you)

"Where ya gonin'?" (where ya going)

"Tom and Jerry! and Mouse!" 
(He thinks that the cat is called "Tom and Jerry" and that Jerry is just a mouse)

"thats funny" (holding his hand over his mouth snickering)

"got my truck momma!"

"kitty needs go outside!" (his stuffed kitty needed to go swing on the swings apparently)

Nash answers "okay" to something...for instance: He brings you a cup and says "more fishies" and I'll say "you want more fishy crackers?" and he responds with "okay!" like it was MY idea to begin with.

" My Vacoom" (my vacuum)

"TV off, car, momma!" This is his signal and not so subtle way of telling me that he wants to go for a ride to see his gramma.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Crack up

Nash is a crack up.

He does some of the weirdest things. Sometimes they are funny, and others they are...not so funny.

Like today, I was in the laundry room. I was out of sight for 5 minutes and came in and he had stripped down, naked, and was sitting in his rocking chair.

Then 10 minutes later after I had gotten another diaper on, he asked to play on my "cell none {na-ohn}". PBS has some episodes available for kids to watch, and for the most part they are fine. He knows there are a few he is NOT allowed to watch. Calliou being one of them. He looked at me and said, "no calliou momma". Then he slowly got off the couch, and ran behind another couch and started watching calliou. Sneaky little kid. Phone privileges got taken away...which he handled as well as calliou. Which if you've seen that show for 5 seconds you know its not good. Freaking Calliou.

Nash has been extra emotional lately. He FINALLY is getting his last molar. Hallelujah. Teething is almost done ya'll!! However, its caused him to be a bit dramatic. The tantrums are epic. So epic that I either erupt in frustration or turn around to hide my laughter, because WHO DOES THAT?!

Nash loves to play in his uncle Joe's room. I mean it has a TV and an Xbox at his level. So when we go over there, nash runs back there and joe yells "my room!" and chases after nash. Nash now thinks its a game. Ha! Jokes on you joe. Now nash runs back there yelling "my room!!" and will shut the door behind him.

The messes are extraordinary. He is in destructo mode lately and its bewildering. At my parents house the other night he was tossing pillows everywhere and started to throw books. My mother got stern with him (which she never does) when she explained that we dont throw books. Nash looked at my mom like, "oh man. shes serious". And then proceeded to sing "clean up, clean up, every body every where"...while picking up that particular mess.

Nash is getting good at following directions while we help him pray. The funny part is that he will be slow and reverent during night time, but all bets are off for prayers over the food. He goes really fast and makes each word sound funny. WHERE DID THAT COME FROM!??! and Why!?

Our pest control company came out yesterday. The man who does our home has been doing my parents home for as long as I can remember. Nash followed him from room to room. When nash turned around, Dray was already gone and Nash yells, "WAIT!! come back!!!!" and then ran into every room until he found him. Hilarious.

Last night we went to my parents house. I was talking to my mom and dad and nash came running through saying, "papa!! i love you" and then ran away. It was adorable. 

This morning the garbage man came by. Nash heard the truck and said "oh! garbage. finally."

Friday, May 13, 2016

Letting go.

It takes so much effort to hold on to something.

Somethings are worth that effort: faith, family, etc.

Others are not: worry, fear, etc.

Over the last few weeks, our therapist gave us some homework. In our last session we talked about how because of jace's addiction (or the revelation of said addiction), my fear (that i keep pretty well hidden) was let loose. Addiction touches every part of your spiderwebs out like a cracked window....strings to the past, present, and stretching out into the future. broken. Tainted. And what happens is that fear escalates things. Our therapist called it the spider on the floor or the tiger in the grass. You know its there...but what ELSE is lurking? How else can I be hurt? And then the floodgates open.

Betrayal trauma. Its insanely difficult to describe unless you have gone through it personally. 

"Betrayal trauma is a condition that parallels the symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and is caused when someone experiences betrayal and deception within their primary relationship; this betrayal damages the trust and safety of the relationship and calls into question the bond they have with their partner.
If you have been betrayed by your spouse through pornography use or infidelity, you may experience tremendous anxiety, high stress, fatigue, depression, despair, grief, fear, and other serious symptoms."

So now I have real fear because of something that happened that I had no control over, I now have real fear because I cant control my husband seeking recovery or how well that recovery goes, and I have real fear that he will relapse and we will continue going through this same hell on earth.

So the homework we were given...I was to openly express my feelings. Jace was to frequently ask how my fear was. Jace struggles to communicate, and my feelings are escalated. It didnt seem to be going well. 

We had a few things that happened that made things a little better though. His sponsor (an addict in recovery) came to our house to meet me and talk with us both. He wasnt there to teach ME because that isnt his place. But he facilitated another honest conversation in between our therapy sessions. It generated painful (hard, not hurtful) conversations between jace and I. "Brutal honesty". 

I have been working really hard on ME. Because of the fear that I now have, its REALLY hard to let go of all the anger I have felt towards Jace. And everything I'm feeling is completely justified. Literally every person has said so. All the books, multiple therapists, our bishop, Jace's sponsor, and Jace himself. I know that what I'm feeling is part of the trauma I've gone through.

 I also know that I have to feel that AND THEN MOVE FORWARD so I can heal and recover myself. 


But i'm working on it. I believe the Lord is working within me and making things clearer to navigate. 

And today we had another therapy session. It was the best one so far. It was very promising. 

Its nice to not feel like I'm just floating in a deep pit of despair and anger. 

Now we have new homework. We'll see how this one goes, because its going to get REAL uncomfortable with sharing, communicating, and connecting. I'll be interested to see how we do.

Monday, May 9, 2016

When the truth comes out...

Since letting friends and family know what is going on in our life with Jace's addiction and the subsequent turmoil that comes with that, its been interesting to see who really cares about us and our future/marriage. And how vocal people are about the subject.

I've had many people, friends and family and some acquaintances even, reach out to send their love, support, prayers, and testimonies.

But what has been even more interesting is watching the other end of the spectrum. I shared something so beyond personal and painful...and yet people feel the need to lash out, be unsupportive, go the extreme in telling me that this is my fault and that i'm shaming my husband. And these are people that I thought loved me, cared about me, and cared and were supportive in mine and jace's marriage succeeding. Can you believe people want my marriage to fail?

I couldn't.

This experience truly IS the hardest thing I've been through. My husband would say the same for him. My bishop called this a trial of faith. And boy, I have felt that faith tested. I'm grateful to know that I have a loving Heavenly Father and that He is there for me, especially after learning of others who are not there for me. I'm not grateful for this experience now...but someday, once i'm on the other side of this...i'm sure I will be. 

For now, I'm glad to know where I stand with certain people. I dont need the negativity of their opinions to weigh on me, when I really am fighting for my marriage. I'm the one who is still here, I'm the one who is literally fighting against fear, trauma (its called betrayal trauma in case you were wondering. its real, linked to be similar to PTSD, and I recommend looking it up), and anxiety. I've always struggled with anxiety, and my husbands addiction has just made it skyrocket. I'm the one who got us into a great therapist, and WE (my husband and I) are fighting for our forever. Jace is doing his fair share of fighting against Satan and his followers as well. This world we live in now, is just so full of horrible, ugly, and addictive things. Its a constant battle.

So, if you are one of those who is unsupportive of me and my marriage succeeding, then please, stop reading my blog. Unfollow me from Instagram and Facebook. I have no need for someone, who is fighting against something that God Himself wants to see succeed, to be in my life in ANY part.

I want the other people in my life, who have reached out, lended support/listening ear/hugs/articles/ and hope....THANK YOU. It means more than you'll ever have any clue.

And for those wondering...Jace and I are doing much better. There is still a LONG road ahead...and this is something that is a LIFELONG battle...but there IS hope. We can feel it. 

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Dianne, Kenny, and Family...a special Mother's Day shoot

My neighbor Dianne is an incredibly talented artist.
I wanted some of her artwork for my home, and we decided to do a trade.

My end of the bargain was family portraits for Mother's day.

This has to be my fastest turn around yet...and only because I wanted to surprise those women for Mother's day. (I took the pictures last night, edited until the wee hours of the morning, and sent them over to her this afternoon.)

Yesterday we went to my ultra spectacular spot/secret oasis/friends parents backyard. I had Grandma, Mom and Dad, Dianne and Kenny and their children.

It was the perfect day. Overcast, 75 degrees, with a slight breeze. 

I hope the family loves these pictures as much as I do. It was an honor to spend the evening with them! I know how special it is to have the generations present...those pictures with "grandma/great-grandma" are going to be treasures someday.

Everything isnt always rosy...which makes for a great shot.

A treasure to be sure.

Happy Mother's Day!!