Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Good.Bad.the.end.

Today has been a mixture of good and bad.
 
GOOD:
I received a note in the company mail today from an employee. It was so sweet and thoughtful, and I have no idea what inspired her to write ME, but it made me feel good and appreciated. It may have made me tear up...alright, it was a full on cry. You got me.
 
BAD:
I work long days.
 
GOOD:
My hair worked for me!
 
BAD:
I didnt even get to go on lunch/eat anything today.
 
GOOD:
I found a GREAT looking pasta recepie online! Cant wait to make it!
 
BAD:
I have to go straight from work to a 2-3 hours CPR class.
 
GOOD:
My paycheck is going to be more than normal.
 
BAD:
I literally am starving and want to go home.
 
GOOD:
(because i didnt feel that i could end on a 'bad')
I also found a great cookie bar recepie yesterday and Jace picked up all my ingredients last night! Score.
 
the end.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Things of note:

#1. MAKE THE HEAT STOP!

#2. I am so tired ALL. THE. TIME. Seriously. I yawn all through work and then I go home and fall asleep promptly at 9:30 or 10 PM.

#3. Work is good. Tiring, but good.

#4. Bath and Body Works foaming soap makes me happy. Especially Sweet Pea, Country Apple, and Sugar Lemon Fizz (also in the hand sanitizer). YUM!!

#5. Jace witnessed a horrible accident on Saturday of a guy on a motorcycle. I was right in front of him, and Jace was right behind him. Jace was super grateful that I wasnt in the accident and I was seriously relieved with I heard that Jace wasnt involved either. The poor guy (who is in our ward), the last we heard was stable. Thank the Lord. Seriously. Jace thought this man was dead at first...and then he was in surgery and breathing through a trake. A friend told us that he has a wife, 3 kids, and his wife is due any day with their 4th.

#6. Tomorrow is gonna STINK! I have work from 8am-5pm and then I have to go to a 2-3 hour CPR class starting at 6pm. Ugh.

#7. Joe is going through the temple on FRIDAY!!! I can hardly contain my excitement!!!

#8. Living in the Valley of the sun in the middle of the hottest part of the summer stinks...but when your A/C goes out in your car it makes it UNBEARABLE. Also, have i mentioned that my A/C has gone out?

#9. I need a new car.

and finally #10. We need a vacation. Something to look forward to, something to excite us, something that will get us AWAY for awhile. Ideas anyone?

Sunday, July 28, 2013

God is good.

After my latest struggle with our infertility...we have been feeling pretty LOW in our house.

Both the husband and myself are majorly struggling to be the happy, positive, looking for the good people that we KNOW we are!

To give you a visual of what our hearts have looked like the past 2 weeks picture this:

Dark clouds. Like the super dark clouds that come with a REALLY bad storm. Wind lifting up patio furniture and throwing it around. Dirt, e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e. And no end to it in sight.



We have spent ALOT of time on our knees--pouring our hearts out to our Heavenly Father.

(taking my mom's advice about talking to a knowing heavnly father and loving brother Jesus Christ who know my exact pains...and who can heal a broken heart...MY broken heart).

and through those prayers...the wind has stopped howling...we can finally open our eyes now, that the dirt has settled...however, those pesky scary clouds were NOT going away.

Then I got this months Ensign. The Ensign is a magazine (for those who dont know), that my church puts out every month for the adults. It has various talks given by general authorities, and everyday people like me. You can read it (august issue) here. It is full of help, advice, hope, and love. Well, this next months magazine's focus was on Revelation. The more I read, the more the sunlight started shining through those dark, ominous clouds. And when I read THE article...the article that seems to be in that magazine for just Jace and I...the sun BURST through the clouds and touched my heart making it so warm and tingly.



I FELT my Savior's love for me. I FELT that they knew my exact struggles and I FELT the ability to carry on.

God is so good.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Neon Fresh

Hey all. I know i've mentioned this blog before for "Friday's-This is how i feel..."
 
and if you havent checked out Neon Fresh yet--DO IT.
(I'm pretty sure Roo and I could be good friends)
 
Today I am particularlly relating to the 2nd and last gif.
 
Bahahaha.
 
"When I deliver the punchline of a joke, and I’m waiting for everyone to laugh"
This is How I Feel, Volume 18
 
"When I think my friend’s shoes are super cute."

Thursday, July 25, 2013

oh so...

Today I am feeling a mixture of being oh so sore, and oh so sick.

It hurts if I move a certain way.

and

If I smell a strong scent...I feel vomit-ous. (yes, I made up a word to express how i'm feeling)

awwweeesome.


Tuesday, July 23, 2013

20

While I'm dealing with...everything going on in my life...that...stinks...
 
I thought I'd share some happy news:
 
I am DOWN
 
 
pounds! Finally.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Our Journey Part 17

She told me that I wasnt pregnant.

How? How is that possible?

...
...
...

...
...
...


tears. grief. pain. sadness. emptyness. lonliness.

...
...
...

time to go off the progesterone, start my period back up, and try again i guess.

...
...
...

I dont even know what to think anymore.
I feel like I'm losing hope.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Our Journey Part 16

This 2 week wait was LONG.

All of them have been. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise anymore when we lose patience.

However, I had something to take my mind partially (a very very very small  part) off of the wait.

I was contacted by this company to come in and interview for an office position. The pay is better and way more hours than at the jewelry store...and we had been praying for something to change to help our financial situation. I don't want to write the whole story of that here, i'll save it for another time... but I went and interviewed and the offered me the position. It was an answer to our prayers. So i put in my 2 weeks notice 4 days after the IUI.

I started working there for a few hours a day after Gunnell's, so my days were pretty eventful. I was learning a ton and had so much to focus on that I wasn't really spending all my time thinking if I was pregnant or not.

However, my 2 week wait ended...and I went and got my blood drawn.

It was a SLOW day at their office.

My Doctor apparently had a family emergency, so they canceled all his afternoon appointments.

I didn't realize that that meant that I would be getting my blood test results back in 2 hours.

The call surprised me...caught me off guard.

But what the nurse said caught me even more off guard.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Monday's Musings

This weekend was an insane roller coaster. Of...are you ready for this? EMOTION. duh.
Friday we tried a date night. We started with a petty argument, super sensitivity, and it turned into an ugly fight that led to me crying in a resturant only to embarrass myself, ruin our date, and give me a headache migraine for the rest of the night.
Saturday was better. I got my hair done. I tanned for a bit. I shaved my legs, got dressed up nice, and put on lipstick. Jace got home and was surprised to see that the house was still a mess, but i was looking like I was ready to go out. I was! I told him that we needed a do-over. Yesterday stunk. It needed to be erased. He readily agreed. We tried out a new resturant that someone had suggested--and bonus! It was good. Then we went to see a movie: Monsters University. Guys. We loved it. We loved the first one, and this one BONUS had the voices of Nathan Fillion (Rick Castle) and John Krasinski (Jim from the office). Then we went and got some froyo to end the night. Then we crashed hard.
Yesterday BLEW. I wont go into the details on here, but I got hurt. Bad. I learned something that literally broke my heart. I am sad, angry, confused...I called my mom. I really needed her to comfort me...love me the way I know that it should be (unconditionally). Too bad they were up in the mountains, otherwise I wouldve been over there sobbing onto her shoulder while she hugged me and comforted me. I HATE feeling this way. I HATE having to pretend to be happy for others when I'm so miserable myself. I HATE that I'm stuck. I HATE that its so difficult to get pregnant for me. I HATE that its so stressful on me and Jace.
When I talked to my mom last night, I was explaining how I was feeling (as best as I could while sobbing). She told me that my heart was breaking. I was grieving. She told me that I needed to find a way to fix myself back up and be able to move forward with faith and hope. I asked, "well, what heals a broken heart?"...and it took her a few minutes to respond...only because she was now crying herself. She replied "the Lord heals broken hearts. go to Him and let Him help you heal."
Best advice I think I've ever gotten. Not easy by any means. No less powerful though.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

fact.

I sat in one of my very favorite restaurants last night.

I cried though my entire meal.

I was then embarrassed.

The waitress didn't know how to act.

It was a major fail dinner date.

Sorry honey.

Sorry Matta's.

and Sorry poor waitress.


Friday, July 12, 2013

Life Lately

I feel like I've been a bit MIA from my life.

No joke.

So this is going to be random...random things that have happened, random things that i've thought about. You know...random. Like my life.

  • Because of how sick I generally get with my medicine, I havent been to a Relief Society meeting in about 6 months. Basically I'm inactive. My Bishop came to check on me. It was funny, a tad embarassing, and sweet. When he realized that i'd been sick and WHY i've been sick, he was so sweet and left the sweetest blessing upon our home and upon Jace and me. LOVE that priesthood power.
  • My family totally went up to our ranch for almost 2 full weeks...WITHOUT ME! I'm honestly quite depressed. We couldnt even get up there for a weekend :(
  • I need a vacation. No lie. I'm having a hard time concentrating during the day because I'm day dreaming of going somewhere and doing something. ARG.
  • The reason we weren't/arent able to go anywhere is because of jobs. Stupid grown up jobs. So lame. (jace cant take any time off in July unless he is sick..legit sick and i'm brand new at my job so I cant take time off either)
  • Fertility...or rather infertility is always on my mind. ALWAYS. However this last month it wasnt at the front of every thought I had. And it was quite refreshing, to be honest.
  • I havent been on my hormone shot this month....and its been kinda nice to feel (mostly) in control of my emotions.
  • I'm STARVING. Like, all the time. My desk drawer at work is now filled with cereal bars. The problem is that they are too small and too delicious. I ate 2 yesterday (after I had lunch and before I went home).
  • I totally forgot my brother was home while his wife and daughter were up in the mountains with my family (he was only home for a few days though, to be fair) and he called last night wanting to do dinner together. So I made my grandmas Hawaiian meatballs. And they were devine. And while I'm sure he wanted to come see me and Jace and hang out...I think a larger motivation was the fact that there was absolutely nothing to eat at his house or at my parents house, that he could raid. LOL
  • I GOT A RAISE AT WORK! I've only been here a couple of months. It was nice to feel appreciated and have the validation that I've been killing myself trying to learn everything and get organized was WORTH. IT.
  • I'm so white. Seriously. Until last Saturday, I cant remember the last time my poor body has seen the sun. Yes. I live in Arizona and I'm super insanely PASTY. I'm working on it. Also, because of that fact, I resembled a lobster for the better part of 5 days after I laid out for an hour and a half. NICE.
  • Friday's are kinda the best. I get to wear jeans and a tshirt to work.
  • This week has gone by SO. S.L.O.W.L.Y. 5 PM today can not come soon enough.
  • I love wearing my birthday watch from Jace. However he got a link taken out of it before he gave it to me and its just a little too tight. I'm never by a fossil store either so I cant get them to put the stupid link back in.
  • Have you guys ever jumped over to http://neonfresh.com before?? Every Friday she has "this is how i feel..." and its awesome. and makes me laugh. Go, and view. You wont be sorry.

THIS NOW CONCLUDES MY RANDOM RANT OF LIFE LATELY. Happy Friday everyone!!!

Friday, July 5, 2013

Emotion

Lately I have been just so overcome with emotion.
 
I should be used to feeling so much, all the time, but I'm not.
 
Yesterday though was a complex whirlwind of emotion.


 
 
I experienced Joy, Happiness, Content, Peace, Gratefullness, Amazement, Frustration, Sadness, Desire, Longing, Jealously, Hopefulness, a tiny bit of Despair, Excitement, Embarassment, Sillyness, a tiny bit of Outrage, and finally Love.--there was a lot of LOVE!
 
Thats a full day--I tell you what. By the end I added one more emotion on there: EXAUSTION!
 
I was mentally and physically worn out!
 
All in all--the good definitely outwayed the bad, and it was a weird, but good day.
 
 Happy belated 4th of July everyone! Hope it was magical!