Thursday, March 28, 2013


Why do we fear?

More precisely, Why do I fear?
And why do I seem to be afraid alot?

The world is full of the unknown.
And its a natural tendency to be least at first. 

“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” 
― Plato

Growing up, I was torn down incessantly by the other girls and boys in my classes. I was told, that i wasn't cool enough to hang out with some, or that I was never going to be beautiful by others.  

Growing up with the Gospel, I knew that I was a daughter of God. So, while everything they said hurt--I didn't let it stop me from trying new things. (sometimes)

I ran for school treasurer--and at the last minute--one of the boys who had been so mean to me decided he was going to run. I didn't even have a chance. But I went through with it.

I wanted to play the flute. This time it was a teacher who was exceptionally mean to me. My mom offered an alternative (orchestra) and i am so glad she did. Turns out, I had a natural ability to play--I was quickly moved up through the orchestras, but i remember that meant leaving my cousin behind in the lower orchestra and i was scared. I was scared because she was the one person who was nice to me in orchestra. I begged my mom to let me quit. She wouldn't. I learned to be tougher. 

As a 7th grader I went to the 9th grade orchestra leaving behind the few friends that I had made. I developed horrible anxiety, but pushed on. Again, grateful for it because by the time I made it into High School I jumped again into the Senior Orchestra. I was grateful for my moms wisdom in not letting me quit.

When I got old enough to drive, I put off getting my license for as long as I could. Driving scared me. My brother took the reigns on this one and MADE me learn to dive the freeways. 

When I was in an emotionally unhealthy relationship, I was scared to end it. Not scared that he would do something to me, but scared that if I ended it with this guy, the first guy to actually LOVE me...what if I never found love again? (my 20 year old self was so naive)

When it came time to choose a career during college, I couldn't choose one. When I finally decided to go to Cosmetology school (which in all honestly, I cant believe I had the guts to do), I was scared to death of telling my grandpa--for fear of disappointing him. 

I was scared to tell my husband I loved him the first time while we were dating...I was scared of the scenario that I had with my ex.

I was terrified of finally making an appointment with the fertility specialist (when we were able to), because what if he told me that i couldn't have kids? 

I was scared to branch out to get a different job awhile back, because I'm comfortable where I'm at. And what if I don't like it? What if I'm bad at it? What if? What if? What if?!

Well, honestly, I'm quite sick of being scared. I'm sick of fear holding me back!!
(this may sound totally cheesy, but we watched Rise of the Guardians for the first time last night and I felt like I was being ruled by the "boogeyman" (Satan) instead of looking for the good, the wonder in life--looking to lift myself and my husband HIGHER.

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” 
― Paulo CoelhoThe Alchemist

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that
something else is more important than fear.” 
― Ambrose Redmoon

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” 
― Franklin D. RooseveltFranklin Delano Roosevelt's First Inaugural Address

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” 
― Nelson Mandela

“Don't be afraid of your fears. They're not there to scare you. They're there to let you know that something is worth it.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

“I think the big mistake in schools is trying to teach children anything, and by using fear as the basic motivation. Fear of getting failing grades, fear of not staying with your class, etc. Interest can produce learning on a scale compared to fear as a nuclear explosion to a firecracker.” 
― Stanley Kubrick

“Fear isn't so difficult to understand. After all, weren't we all frightened as children? Nothing has changed since Little Red Riding Hood faced the big bad wolf. What frightens us today is exactly the same sort of thing that frightened us yesterday. It's just a different wolf. This fright complex is rooted in every individual.” 
― Alfred Hitchcock

My goal in the next few to try and overcome some of the fears that I have.
I don't want to live my life afraid of failure. I don't want that to be the legacy I pass on. 
I want to love, live, and enjoy life.
I want more.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Choosing a name

So this is kind of a funny story. At least to me.

My brother Jeff and his wife Melanie have a cute little girl named Jane. 
She is a TORNADO, full of energy, fake laughs, tickling fits, sweet loves, 
and bottom lipped kisses.

Jane made my mom a grandma. 

And can I just tell you, she kind of LOVES it.

But she doesn't know if she wants to be 'grandma' per say.

Jane is now starting to jabber on all day and night and there are some words that she'll do. (Sunday I got her to say yummy while we made a fruit salad with whipping cream and marshmallows.)

So, she calls my mom, "mom-momm" (very different from her "momma") lol

And this got my mom thinking...what DOES she want to be called?

Her parents were gramma and grampa gunnell to me....
My dads parents are grandpa Lee and grandma Flo 
(thanks to my brother randy who inserted their first names in there)
My mom's brother Bruce was papa and his wife was grannie.
My mom's uncle Ross was papa and his wife Anita is mama.
My mom's grandma farnsworth was grannie.

So she's racking her brain with what she wants to be called, while we all just smile, because no matter what--it'll end up being what Jane finally calls her (seeing as shes the first grand kid) and she'll love it. 

(brand new Jane Kathryn with her "mom-momm". Nov. 24, 2011)

Monday, March 25, 2013

Our Journey Part 7

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6

I went in for the ultrasound...and my follicles were developing a little they made me do more hormone shots.

You guys...these hormone shots are the literal worst. Gearing up, mentally, to shoot yourself in your stomach is bad enough, but it was the resulting crazy woman hormones that pushed me  over the edge.

I suddenly hated everybody and everything. Everything annoyed me. I knew in my head that i was over-reacting, but i couldnt stop being mad. One day I was driving and Jace turned on the radio. I yelled, "do NOT turn on the radio. i'm sick of it! i'm sick of every station, every artist, every genre of music!" and then he went to put on a cd (that hes had on repeat for 2 months) and i yelled again, "are you KIDDING me?!? just turn everything off!"

....looking back on it now, i see that i was maybe was being a bit extreme. just a BIT.

Anyways...after 3 more days of hormone shots we were to go back in for another ultrasound.

This time they found a follicle big enough to trigger.

We were actually quite disappointed....only ONE?! with everything i had been doing we were hoping for at LEAST 3. The doctor was hoping for at least 3. They had said what they were hoping for was anywhere from 3-7. And we only had ONE. gah!

Well...that was on a Thursday. They had me scheduled to trigger ovulation (another shot) at 2 AM on Sunday. Then that Monday we were scheduled to go in for the IUI.

Jace went. I went. The Dr. did his thing...and now we wait.


Thursday, March 21, 2013

A good day

Being a adult definitely can have its drawbacks.

One of those being no spring breaks.

Jace and I were working and last Wednesday he happened to have his day off. I got off work at 2 and after washing our cars we decided to call our SIL's and see if we could steal their older kids and go to one of our favorite parks.

Gracie was going to go out with her parents, and we couldnt get ahold of Jamie. Jace was bummed, but I had to keep reminding him that calling spur of the moment has its drawbacks.

Jamie called us back awhile later and we asked if we could take Corbin and Alyssandra and she said yes!

So off we went. We picked those kiddos up and drove out to Fountain Hills (thats where Jace proposed). We love that park because of the lake. In the middle of it, it has a giant fountain that goes off every hour. It also has a TON of ducks to feed, and a fun playground for the kids to run around.

After we fed the ducks, watched the fountain, and played till they were out of breath (it was also SUPER hot), we went and got frosty's to eat on the way home.

It was a good day.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Mail bag

Dear Allergies: I'm miserable. You happy?

Dear Voice: I miss you. Come back?

Dear Scale: You were good to me this morning :) 11 pounds down!!!

Dear Biggest Loser: You get me to cry every episode. Why are you over already!?!?

Dear Follicles: GROW! thats an order.

Dear Hormones: So far, you're not as bad as last month, gracias!

Dear Time: How can you speed by and be so slow at the same time?

Dear Garden: You're actually growing?!? Hallelujah. 

Dear Life: You're crazy. But I'm grateful for you!

Monday, March 18, 2013

Our Journey Part 6

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

I got a call that next week on Friday...saying that my doctor wanted to go ahead and remove the Polyp.


I havent had real surgery (anesthesia and the whole she-bang) since I was 10.

I was nervous to say the least, but again, my confidence in my Doctor out won any nervousness i had.

But here's the kicker. They called Friday afternoon...and need to schedule it for MONDAY if we wanted to try and get pregnant for that month.

That's fast. But we decided that this will be better for me and us getting pregnant in the long run.

So i scheduled it. Jace couldn't get work off, so my mom came to the rescue again. I needed a driver to take me home and make sure i didn't make any important decisions for at least 24 hours.

We went in, I was prepped. I got my IV in (apparently my hand veins are not as wonderful as my elbow veins), did all the paper work, got my gown, socks, and hairnet on.

I was led into the operation room. So bright, so full of male nurses. Lol, i didn't expect that.

They started covering me with heavy, warm blankets...and it was cold and rainy out that day, so i was in heaven.

My anesthesiologist was so nice. He was older and sweet...and i love old men. He asked about what I do for a living...and thats the last thing I remember before waking up in recovery.

I saw my Doctor for about 5 seconds before he zoomed out to talk to my mom. He told me they found a surprise...a 2nd polyp hiding behind the other one. So they took both, and cleared me out.

His nurses made a follow up appointment for a week. That was going to be for another ultrasound to see how i was healing as well as if I had any more follicles grow to start our trigger and do the next step we were choosing to timed intercourse this next time for us.

We were going to do the IUI.

Friday, March 15, 2013

some like it HOT HOT HOT

Its too early for this!

It seriously can NOT be 95 degrees on the 15th of March!

I'm so sad.

So desolate. 

I just wanted ONE week of "spring" temperatures...

Just ONE week of the high being in the 70's. 

I know that I love Arizona. 

And I wouldnt live anywhere else if I had to choose, because man alive do we HATE snow, and the cold...and the "winter" here is in the 50's. And thats pretty freaking sweet.

BUT i so do wish we had a little spring. Someday ill need to go somewhere that actually has it.

Today, while I had a plethora of chores to do (i got a day off, holla!), i chose to go clean my patio, because that meant i could spray myself with the hose as much as I wanted.

Pathetic? Maybe just a tidge. And I'm okay with that.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013


Disappointment is hard. Its tough.

It doesn't matter if its minor, or something major--the reality of it is that disappointment is a pain to go through.

I had my share of disappointments growing up...

I never got along with girls my age. I always wanted friends SO BADLY, and was told "sorry Andrea,  we cant hang out with you. you just aren't cool enough for us." ((true story))

I wanted a sister so badly to make up for the fact that I had no real friends to play with...and then my little brother Joe made his debut into the world.

There were the boys I wanted to pay attention to me, that only ever saw me as the "buddy"...the girl who was fun to hang out with, but they would NEVER date. No. That was reserved for my best friend.

There was the boy who i thought i was going to marry. We talked about it till we were blue in the face.  And then he called me and said that he just couldn't do it. So we broke up.

and so on.

My biggest disappointment TO DATE though would be that I cant seem to get pregnant. All I ever wanted to be was a mom...I never thought for a SECOND that it might be hard, or impossible. Poor Jace...I feel like I'm a disappointment to him. I know that I'm not. I know that he loves me...all of me...even the part that is making it ridiculously difficult for us to become parents, but I also know he wants to be a dad and my body is preventing that right now.

I was sitting reflecting today about disappointment.

About how we all go through it.

About how alot of us go through it feeling so alone. Like no one can quite understand us.

Part of it is that i don't know if we know how to fully and truly express the disappointment we feel.

Maybe that's just me. I tend to keep things inside of me. You know the old adage of "Fake it till you make it"?? that has been my motto growing up. 

But I think that its OKAY to express your disappointment in things. Its okay that others know you're hurting, or that you don't have it all together all the time. 

And its wonderful when we can be there for someone else. To be that friend or family member, or heck, co-worker or even an internet friend who found you on your blog that you've never actually met. 

I think its good for the soul to be able to express disappointment...because then you can move on.
And I think its wonderful for the soul to be of service to someone, to show love and compassion with no strings attached.

Sorry if this was rambling...I've had alot of quiet time to think today and this is what kept popping up in my head. I decided i'd better write it down. 

Monday, March 11, 2013


I have anxiety. I've discussed this before on the blog here

This month has been the worst for me.

I know its mostly because we've started seeing a specialist and we are hopeful to be pregnant soon.

For so long, my life seemed to be in such a rut. I did the same thing everyday with nothing really changing. A year ago we had alot of changes...We moved and got new ward callings, and Jace started a new job.

Since then...its been fairly "stale", if you will.

But since January we had something to look forward to. Something that we were hoping for and praying for and something we were so excited for.

And we've had our disappointments.

March and April are the "happy" months (generally). Its the perfect temperature in the valley, the beautiful flowers start blooming, for some its spring break!, and then we get to look forward to Easter. Everything starts anew after the winter.

Well, March has been, like, the slowest month for me. I decorated for St. Patty's Day on the 1st, and i'm ready for the green to be down. I'm just antsy. I'm anxious. I want things to change so badly, that I can hardly stand it!!!

Its like an itch that you cant scratch!!! And its driving me crazy. 

Okay...rant over.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Back Pain

So about 7 years ago, I had a little bit of an accident.

I threw my back out for about 2 months. 

Since then, my back has never been the same.

I go for a long time without it really bothering me, but as soon as I do anything active (like water skiing, bike riding, etc) it starts acting up and hurting alot. It gets to the point that I cant sit in chairs for very long without having to readjust (even really comfy/padded chairs), and my bed isn't even comfortable to me when my back acts up.

Its my lower back...and it goes down to my tailbone.

I've gone to a miropractor (and she works miracles on me) but it doesn't last. And i've done chiropractors and its just made it worse.

Does anyone has anything to suggest to make it feel better? 

Are there any special stretches that I should try or balms or anything? I'd appreciate any input you can give!!

Monday, March 4, 2013

Our Journey Part 5

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

The call said that I wasn't pregnant.

I was numb. The nurse on the phone was so sorry and so sad.

My mom was really worried about me.

I told her I was okay...disappointed, but okay. I promised her I was fine.

I really thought I was.

Then Jace got home from work, we talked for a few short minutes...and then I lost it.

I mean, huge sobs that shook the house, and where you get hiccups halfway through crying that don't go away, and make you almost inaudible as you talk (or try to).

Jace was flabbergasted. He told me, "I told you that you weren't pregnant...(which set me off, i tell you what) we don't even have our tests back yet!"

I KNEW the chances to get pregnant on the first go, without our test results back, were slim.
I knew that I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up...and I really tried not to. Seriously.

But, I should've known that of COURSE I was going to get my hopes up!
I want this THAT bad.

But. ((deep breath))

Life goes on, and another month, means another chance. (unfortunately more medications AND extra in this case as well.)

Friday, March 1, 2013

Shout out

I just wanted to give a shout out to my husband.

He was so sweet yesterday to me.

I've been struggling with lots of things lately. (not getting pregnant, lots of medicine, hormone shots, lots of doctor appointments, and crazy agitation thanks in large part to the extra hormones we are pumping into my body)

Yesterday was a bad day.

Nothing horrible, or extremely significant. But I was stressed out, and very frustrated.

Jace came home from work--and while I was finishing making dinner--he listened to everything I had to say/complain about. 

Then I took a warm bath, and when I got out, he turned on one of my favorite TV shows and rubbed my feet for what seemed like forever. (to him, i'm sure)

I was so relaxed.

 and I was reminded about hows grateful i am for that husband of mine.

thanks baby.