Friday, November 21, 2014

Heavy Heart

2 weeks ago, Jace's cousin Dallin was in a bad accident.

He is a cowboy and was wrangling a cow...and he fell off his horse and then the horse rolled over him. He was finally life flighted to St. George Utah where he lay in a coma from a brain injury with 2 collapsed lungs, broken ribs, etc.




His wife of 2 years was at her baby shower in Northern Utah for their first baby due in January.




The doctors were able to re inflate the lungs, but the swelling of his brain made them uneasy. We received a text letting us know there was a possibility that he might never wake up. It was better for them to keep him sedated in the coma---hoping to allow the brain to heal.

His levels have been up and down over the last 2 weeks. Finally the neurologist said that he needed an MRI to check on the brain. The news was devastating. Dallin was brain dead. (I've gotten most of my information from my husband so those were his words). Dallin is an organ donor so they were going to take him off his medications and let things take their course while still keeping him on the ventilator (for his organs). The issue that they were concerned with is that his body may try to breathe on his own and then they couldn't do anything. He would be stuck in that vegetative state, not able to wake up.

I just got a text that Dallin's body is in fact trying to breathe, so they are taking him off the ventilator at 2 PM.

My heart aches for Aunt Tammy and Uncle Brad. Their other children Tiffany, Autumn, April, Logan, and Shaina. And mostly for his wife Carissa and their unborn child.

But even with a heavy heart---how grateful I am for the knowledge of eternal families. How wonderful to know that he is with our Heavenly Father---out of pain and away from suffering. Dallin will be a huge asset to Heaven, doing the work of our Lord. And you can bet that he will be his family's guardian angel--and that he will get to spend some time with his son in Heaven before he is born. Dear Hunt family, I love you.

"Peace. Be still."

If anyone would like to contribute to helping with medical costs and funeral costs :( Here is the link to the the gofundme account Dallin and Carissa




Tuesday, November 18, 2014

A million years later...

Why hello blog world,

I forgot what my blog was for awhile. I've been trying to survive. LOTS of stuff has gone on since my last post.

I was in a dark, scary place there for awhile. I didnt know what to do. I had no answers.

Well, first things first...my doctor put me on a depression medication. He didnt think I was super depressed or anything, but it could head there if things continued on the path they were going (or got worse). I dont know if that has really helped or not, but things have been a bit better.

Nash seemed to be doing well on the liquid gold formula. It has been insane to try to budget it because his eating habits vary so often...we have spent about 2 semesters worth of college on formula so far. But hes gaining weight. And happy for the most part. So its worth it.

Last you read, nash stopped doing anything because he was concentrating on his pain and we were waiting for his scope. The scope was done---the lining of the esophagus and stomach looked good (no damage from the reflux) but his bowels. Oh my. They were clogged with poop. His poor digestive system is ALL messed up and the GI thinks that is the big problem--including his reflux. He said that if the poop doesnt go OUT, then the food will go UP. Hence his horrible reflux. So in conjunction with Nash's 2 different reflux medications, he is now given a stool softener twice a day, and I give him a glycerin suppository at least 3 times a day to help him go. Its a constant battle that most days I feel like we are still losing. We'll go in at the new year to get him checked up again by the GI.

Nash is still not eating a ton of formula. We are lucky now to be getting him to drink 4 ounces a feeding. Because of this he still wakes up a TON at night because he is HUNGRY. I'll deal with it though if it means he'll go back to sleep. We've gotten our schedules mixed up again...he is staying up until 2 or 3 AM and then after waking up a few times to eat, sleeping in until noon. I dont know how I'm going to fix this. All i know is that I'm not caring enough to rock the boat at the moment.

Nash is GROWING like a weed! At his 6 month appointment he was about 17 pounds! He eats lots of baby foods--loves PEARS, BLUEBERRIES, AND CARROTS the most. The only thing he has not liked that he has tried was refried beans. He hated those. He has 2 bottom teeth that are adorable and sharper than heck. He is currently in 6-9 month clothes and pretty much has outgrown his 6 month jammies. He LOVES his stuffed animals (squirt from nemo, a small horse, cookie monster, and his elephant). The color he seems to gravitate to is RED. He LOVES music toys (my mom and dad have a couple that he just cant get enough of). On Halloween he sat unsupported for the first time. He now will sit up by himself for long periods of time and can finally sit in the bathtub. HALLELUJAH! He LOVES bathtime and frquently tries to sneak into the bathroom and sit by the tub. He has found his penis and holds onto it during diaper changes. Oh boys. He pulls himself up to things now! His aunt Jamie lent us a table that plays music and lights up and once he saw that it was over! He started doing that around November 10th. He still doesnt nap well, but we'll get there. He loves being outside--especially with his papa wight. He also will sit and watch football and baseball with papa wight. He loves to be rocked. He is most definitely a momma's boy and I'm 100% over the moon about that. His first word was mom, but now says "da da da da" for all other words. He got his 2 flu shots and with the second booster he didnt even CRY!

My SIL Melanie had her baby on the 20th of September--Samantha Lynn (almost exactly 6 months younger than Nash)

Jace got the promotion to service manager at the bank!

We celebrated 5 years of marriage.

Nash was a shark for Halloween (of course!)

Jace's cousin Elise lost her baby Cole (he had trisomy 13) :(, and his other cousin Dallin was in a horrible accident and is currently in a coma. We are grateful for the knowledge of eternal families and know that with God all things are possible.

And we are in the process of buying a house. In the middle of the holidays. We are smart people.

So my life is Nash and packing up our apartment at the moment. I will catch up on some posts that I have sitting in my draft folder, but I'm insanely busy and I don't know when he'll sleep long enough for me to do that. For now, I'll leave you with a couple of recent pictures that I took for our Christmas card as well as my parents and brother's Christmas cards.


















Thursday, August 28, 2014

Deep within my soul

This is a hard post for me to write.

Honestly...this is one of the hardest things I have done to date.

I have wanted nothing more than to be a wife and mother.

And I feel like I have failed.

My darling little boy was born prematurely...but without complications that we knew of. That first month was excruciatingly hard as I got used to not sleeping, constant worry, and exclusively pumping. Then we hit Nash's due date.

And things changed. And not for the better.

All of the sudden he was sick. He wasnt pooping right. He spit up...ALOT. He constantly cried.

I thought it was just being a newborn baby and possibly being a preemie. I assumed he would grow out of it...because thats what everyone told me.

His pediatrician is an angel...he gave us non medication possible solutions to try. Apple juice to get his system going. That seemed to help some with the poop...but not the spit up or the crying. We were told that he had colic. And that colic goes away eventually.

Everyone and their mother who had a baby/knew a baby with colic reached out to us and told us that it was hard, but "there is a light at the end of the tunnel" "it will get better!" "keep smiling, it will work out".

Another couple months passed with everything being the same. Nash was put on Zantac and then Previcide to help with his re-flux. I wasnt sleeping at all. I didnt wake up my husband because he was working LONG LONG days. So if Nash got up for food, I warmed up milk, fed him, burped him, got him back to sleep, then I stayed up and pumped for a solid half hour if not more, then I would go to bed for maybe a half hour, and then have Nash wake up to eat again. But I kept thinking that "it would eventually end and there would be a light at the end of the tunnel".

Wrong. His crying got worse and he seemed to be in pain.

Our pediatrician agreed and referred us to a GI.

(it didnt help at this time that my nephew who is just 4 days older than nash--5 weeks developmentally-- was hitting all of these milestones. He was super happy and laughing. All my poor baby did was cry. I did alot of comparing that made my heart heavy)

We did a "poop test" and found that Nash had an allergy to my milk and needed to go on specialized formula. Which meant that I had just frozen about 800 ounces of useless breastmilk from countless painful hours of pumping. We did an upper GI ultrasound and a swallow test...which confirmed what we already knew--Nash had severe re-flux. We did a lower GI enema...normal.

I then dried up (worst experience) and had Nash switch to the Alimentum formula. It was a rough 2 weeks making the switch. But afterwards we felt it helped. With the previcide and the formula the spit up didnt seem to hurt although it was still bad. But the crying. Oh the crying.

The doctors kept saying it wasnt normal and something was wrong. The pediatricians agreed he needed his throat scoped. The GI said no.

Then it got bad.

During this time, my health was still not good. My blood pressure hasnt ever normalized after having preeclampsia and I'm on medication for that. I was off it for a few days and all of the bad symptoms of high blood pressure re-presented themselves. Bad headaches, nausea, irritability, swollen legs hands and feet, chest pains, shortness of breath. Stress brings on seizures or strokes in people with really high blood pressure and honestly...I havent ever felt this stressed.

 Nash had basically stopped sleeping and stopped eating. We were forcing an ounce every couple of hours. We were told to go to the ER immediately.

After IV fluids, our GI was consulted and said we were to go on the top formula there is for any type of allergies...it is $50 a can (that makes about 14 6 ounce bottles). We didnt know how we were to pay for it, but you do what you need to for your children.

He had been on that for awhile with his previcide and seemed to be thriving (weight wise). Constant crying still, constant spit up, and then refusal to nap during the day. He also stopped rolling over and stopped trying to sit up--which he had been doing.

We finally got in to see the nurse practitioner who works with the GI....she didnt have much to tell me.

Now to this month...we saw improvement for a few weeks. He started smiling again. He rolled over some. And then this week happened. His re-flux is at an all time high--after every burp and in between...the difference is that its really bothering him. He crys and crys and wont take anything in his mouth after a spit up. It takes us hours to get him asleep and we are lucky if he stays down for an hour. Its never longer than that. Sometimes its shorter. We saw our GI again...and he thinks its time for the scope now. However its still another month before we can get in for him to do it. And Nash is hurting.

And its hurting my heart.

I'm completely sleep deprived and totally on edge and worried all the time. My husband's and my relationship is strained.

I feel like a complete and total failure. I have no answers. There is no light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel--no one knows what to tell me to do to help him. I feel like I've worn my carpet out from kneeling in prayer asking for guidance, for stronger will, for knowledge and intuition. I once described to my mom that just when we would get over a hurdle, we would come to a hill. We climbed the hill, only to discover a pit. We are in the pit and trying to get out, but on the other side is a mountain. There is no end in sight for the despair I am feeling.

And then I came to the realization, that after being as strong as I could be for these almost 6 months that I'm not all that strong. I'm very weak and now after having said that out loud, the flood gates to my heart and the feelings of inadequacy have poured out. I realized deep within my soul that I might need help. That I might not have "it" together.

And thats very scary for me.


Friday, August 8, 2014

a year ago today

A year ago today we found out the greatest news.

After years of trying, tests, surgeries, hormone injections, monthly procedures, and thousands of dollars...we got a call saying my blood test was positive.

We were going to be parents.

Today I am reminded how blessed I am.

I sure love my little man and honestly have a hard time remembering what I did before he was born.

Nash is the miracle we prayed for and my sweet little best friend.

(Im typing on my phone so these pictures are out of order, but they are of our 8 week ultrasound, the first positive pregnancy test ive ever had, Nash the morning he was born, Nash right after he was born, is at the cabin over the 4th of july, and the picture I took the day we found out we were pregnant. ..haha of my hair. Nice.






Monday, June 16, 2014

My Birthday/Fathers Day!

June 15th 2014.

Father's Day. Also, my 27th birthday.

Last year, these occasions were pretty much ruined. The day before my birthday and 2 days before Fathers day we found out that our 5th IUI procedure had failed and we were not pregnant. It was a devastating weekend. In fact...we were trying to remember my birthday last year and we couldn't. It was so bad we literally had tried to forget it.

This year, both occasions were on the same day...and we were much much happier!

This year, we sat in church with our little Nash on our laps. It was good.

Jace bought me my fancy camera for Mother's day/my birthday...I added to it a camera case so I can take it places. Happy Birthday to me! My family was cute and made some signs (my mom to be exact!), and they gave me $ toward getting a tripod and remote for my camera, plus some new garments and a new apron for the temple. Simple and totally exciting to me.

Jeff and Melanie gave me a super adorable post with a welcome sign to go out by my front door. LOVE IT.

Jeff and Mindy were so sweet and gave us a date night!

And my in laws gave me a cute counter sized chalkboard/whiteboard. So fun!