Sunday, September 25, 2016

Baby Hazel

Baby Hazel (or Ellie as her family will call her!) visited me 1 day shy of her 2 week birthday.
She is super special, because she is my cousin!! :) Ellie is my younger cousin Julie's 3rd little girl. She is so sweet and squishy.

Julie was saying how good of a baby she is, how chill and go with the flow she is. Which works well, because she has 2 older sisters with busy schedules and a house that just got remodeled right before she was born. We are so happy to have you in the family Ellie!! 

Monday, September 19, 2016

Baby Noah

Little Noah was a month old preemie! 

He came a month early and was still just a little guy.

He would NOT sleep. Poor dude had just had his circumcision and just wasnt comfortable. I enjoyed getting to snuggle him and we worked with what he gave us. :)

Friday, September 16, 2016


How depressing have my last posts been?!

I was able to meet up with an old friend last night. We talked for like 4 hours. I didnt come home till 1 AM. It was good to reconnect and have some adult time. (thanks Katy!!) I'm pretty sure she wasnt thrilled with how late we were up (her kids are SUPER early risers) but I'm glad we did it.

As I talk about life, real life, things that are great and not so great...its all for me. This blog is my journal. Its a way for me to record what I was feeling, what was going on in my life. And I want it to be real. I want to remember how I actually felt about something. Because, who knows. It may help me out in the future if I go through another similar experience. Or it could help me give advice to my children, or friends. Or maybe, since this blog is public, it helps someone else out that just happens to read my blog.

Life is a roller coaster. No matter who you are, or what circumstance your life is in; at some point your life will go up and down, upside down, topsy turvy CRAZY. Because life is unpredictable and hard and weird and great and tiring, and awesome.

If you had known me growing up and through high school, I was a pretty happy gal. There were crummy things in my life; sure, but overall I really didnt have much to worry about and I worked really hard to be happy. My english teached called me a disney princess and my CP chem teacher called me his social butterfly. I loved people and life and just wanted things to be good.

And life happens. It gets hard and scary. You have your heart broken a few times. The world starts crumbling. You begin to doubt your self worth. You feel alone.

Some people retreat in order to survive.

I know that for me, I definitely retreated some. I had to just plug along hoping that with time and some effort, things would work out and change for the better. And they did. And then infertility happened. And that changed me. It changed my perspective on things. And Nash came along. And that changed me. For the better. And then Jace's addiction came to light, and that REALLY changed me. First for worse, and now I believe for the better. I'm a more aware person, who really just believes in total and complete HONESTY now. For better or worse, the truth is the best thing.

Through it all, i've found myself not the same girl that I was in high school. Life has changed me. And thats okay. You are supposed to change as life goes on and circumstances happen. What helps me is looking at it through this imagery of a song:
like stones in the river
we are tossed and turned
when the current moves so strong
stones in living waters over time
are shaped until the edges are gone
polished and smooth, that's what we will be
if we put ourselves in god's hands
each day of our lives is a gift from the giver
to smooth all the edges
like stones in the river

I am making an effort to be more happy. To find the good in my days. I promise I am. And I'm really sorry to anyone reading this who thinks that I'm just a depressing soul whom they pity. Because that is not who I am.

I am a woman who is imperfect; going through hard things. But I also am a daughter of God, a mother, a wife, a business owner, and I'd like to think I'm working on becoming a better friend as well.

**also, since its friday I'll leave you with a "friday funny"--my son is really in to "An Extremely Goofy Movie" on netflix. I went in to get him up for the day this morning and he exclaimed: "Shake your groove thing momma!"


Thursday, September 15, 2016

Everything is (not) going to be okay.

My mantra for today.

A little destructive and not helpful I know.

I swear though. When it rains it pours.

Jace went to donate plasma the other day. My brother does it for a little (alot) of extra spending money. We thought that would be an easy way to earn a few hundred extra dollars a month. Turns out Jace's blood was so fatty they couldnt put it back into the machine to give back to him. He's not allowed to go back for 2 months...he came home so lightheaded and sick and almost passed out on me.

That same night, Wells Fargo released news amidst the lovely multi million dollar payout, that they would no longer be doing sales. My husband is a manager over tellers...his job is to instruct them to sell. He no longer knows what his job entails and what this means for his future.

My business slowed WAY WAY down. I was on fire the months of July and August and now...nothing. I know that eventually it will even out...or at least I hope it does.

But boy. I'm feeling like a failure. And at the moment it doesnt feel like its all going to be okay.

I leave you a few pictures of the only bright spot in my week so far:

Monday, September 12, 2016

Uphill Battle

Why in life, does it seem, that everything is an uphill battle?

(me, but with less muscles. ha!)

Just once, I wish something came easily.

Something. One thing even!

Marriage is hard.

Dealing with my husbands addiction is hard.

Dealing with betrayal trauma is hard.

Losing weight is hard.

Being a parent is hard.

Feeling like I'm lacking in the mothering department is hard.

Owning and operating your own business is hard.

Getting pregnant is impossible.

Feeling self worth is hard.

Clinging to hope that it will all be okay and work out is hard.

I'm just so sick of everything seeming to be so hard. My heart hurts tonight. I just want to feel good and not feel like i'm failing at everything.

Saturday, September 10, 2016



"I'm slippering!" --When the floor is wet and I say be careful, its slippery!

"Nursery!"--The name he calls my auntie Renay since he associates her with his favorite part of church. 

"Let's build sandy-castles!"--Sand Castles

"I need colorings!"--Anytime he sees someone with a marker, crayon, pencil, or pen...he thinks they are coloring.

"I need...!"--One of his favorite ways to start a sentence! "Gamma, I need Tom and Jerry!" "Momma, I need cell noone (phone)!"

"Give me that! Get me down!"--Another 2 of his favorite things to say. He really is sweet, but we are working on being polite and have good manners too.

We had a Family Home Evening the other night and Jace was explaining to Nash that Jesus was our brother. Nash responded with "OH."

He is starting to really talk in full sentences. Jace called the other day on his lunch break and Nash answered the phone and said this, "Oh hi daddy! Whatcha doning?" Jace responded with he was at work and what are you doing? Nash's response was, "I'm watching Einsteins and eating fishies!"

Joe went into his bedroom to take a nap the other day and my mom was watching Nash for me. Nash went to go find Joe to ask him to play with him. Walked in to his room, said "Joe!...then quietly said Oh..."and backed out of his room to leave Joe alone to sleep.

Phoebe (my parents cat) has gone on a couple of trips with them to the cabin lately. Which means she is in her cat carrier. The first time Nash saw it, he turned to me so worried and said, "Momma! Bebe is in the trap!"

If he bumps something, or bonks his head, he whimpers and looks around until he finds me. Then he comes to me and holds out the part that has been hurt so I can kiss it better. Its kinda hilarious because sometimes he climbs on my lap and just sticks his foot in my face. ha!

Right now, we play a game he invented called "Sad momma/Happy momma". I was feeling crappy the other day and was crying. He came up and said "oh, sad momma?" and I said yes, I'm a little sad. Then he smiles really big and says, "okay, happy momma now!" and giggles. Its impossible to not smile and be happier when that happens.

Anytime I do something or say something "funny", Nash looks at me and shakes his head and says, "Silly momma" and walks off!

Nash really is a great kid. He is saying his prayers really well, he is very polite (if you sneeze he will say bless you!), he is starting to pretend play (yesterday he was a doggie--woof woof!), and he will give me kisses anytime I ask for them. 2.5 can be a trying time because he wants to be independent and cant in alot of regards, but it also is a fun age. He is just my little buddy, my pal, and I am SO grateful he is mine!! My life would seem so empty without him!

Here are some recent(ish) pictures...I realized I havent posted any on the blog in awhile of my own kid!

Monday, September 5, 2016

Baby Evan #2

Literally the day after I photographed one Evan, another showed up at my studio!! 
What are the odds?!

This little Evan came with a whole entourage!! He had mom and dad, grandma, and 2 cousins!

This was a special moment for them, as Evan was their Rainbow baby. For those who dont know what a Rainbow baby is: A “rainbow baby” is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss.In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

It was a sweet session for this little 4 week old. He slept through his whole session!! Dad was very concerned with his hair and had to keep combing it after I would move or shift Evan. It was funny. 

I'm very happy to have taken these photos for them to remember forever!