"....and its not good. I'm so sorry, you aren't pregnant this month."
This nurse, Jennifer, has been the one to call me every month to let me know about my results. The poor woman. She was totally discouraged. I had talked to her earlier that day when she was drawing blood about how i was just so sure the month before...and how i fell apart when she called telling me I wasn't. I was telling her about how it was Jace this month, who was just so so so sure...how he was so anxious and almost positive it was going to happen. (if we were pregnant this month then we would have the baby before the end of the year ((the week of Christmas actually)) and then we wouldn't have to start paying our deductible for insurance again (oh yeah, we'll totally hit that before the years up and the hospital stay would've been completely taken care of which would've been SO NICE.)
(( I was less sure with this month...I don't know what it was for certain...even though we had 3 follicles, throughout the waiting period I didn't ever experience the thought of "maybe, just maybe i actually AM pregnant." Then the night before my blood test...I laid in bed thinking about it and I just started crying. I didn't really know why. Now I do. I think my Heavenly Father was helping prepare me after what happened last month.))
As I was listening to Jennifer on the phone, she asked if I wanted to set up a meeting with my Doctor and go over with him his thoughts and suggestions. I readily agreed and THANKFULLY someone had just cancelled their appointment with him for 2 days later. Jace was going to be working :(, but the appointment was late enough that my mom was able to come be a support for me. I took the appointment, thanked Jennifer, and hung up. I had walked into the bathroom while I was on the phone (i wander around while talking) and I had to go out to the family room to tell Jace.
I said it fast. That I wasn't pregnant. And I went into the kitchen. Poor Jace. He came to comfort me, but I could tell he was really unsettled by this news. But. We're pros at this by now...he dealt with his disappointment by playing some video games, while I cleaned (I clean when I'm upset). When we went to bed that night, I had yet to cry. Jace said our prayer that night and he asked for us to be understanding, and hopeful, and to remain faithful. It was beautiful and everything that was in my heart. That's when the tears started...and they didn't stop until I fell asleep.