Saturday, December 3, 2016

Alcantar Family

This sweet little family visited me one evening.
Mom originally wanted to do a newborn session with their newer baby, but also wanted updated portraits of her older kids for the holidays.

Again, easy fix! Combine the two. :) That's why I love being a "all around" photographer. I don't only do one type of photography.











Thursday, December 1, 2016

Well this stinks.

For a long while on this blog, I was careful about what I wrote.

People never really knew what was going on FOR REAL. Things were rosy (for the most part) and I wasnt supposed to let people know when I was struggling.

Then I decided enough was enough and to open up about my infertility struggle. I do not regret this.

Since then I've expressed my feeling of inadequacy or frustration with being a mother at times. I dont regret this.

I also opened up and started talking about my husbands addiction. I also do not regret this.

Some people find it unsettling to be open and honest. Some people might not understand why you arent being more positive when you post things.

This is my journal. I print this blog up every year and this is a record of my life. I dont want to look back and think, "why did I hide this?" or have my kids think that everything was peachy and if their life isnt then something is wrong with them.

Life is messy. Its hard and frustrating and sad at times. Its also happy, and funny, and great at others. I believe in showing both sides to life.

And on that note: my journal entry for today.

I'm a photographer. I have been so busy lately and its been wonderful. I have apprecited all my clients and enjoyed my time with them. What people dont see is the countless hours I spend on their sessions. To prepare for them--scouted locations, getting babysitters, and spending time away from my son. While I am there--working with families and differing personalities to get a good shot, having different backdrops, and doing my best to be quick and efficient. And then when I get home-- the hours and hours of edited I do. During naptimes, and staying up late into the night working. Sometimes having to do edit while a certain 2 year old is bouncing on the couch next to me while rescue bots plays in the background. (I try to do my editing while nash is asleep if you cant see why!)

I put my heart and soul into each photo shoot. I pray that I will be inspired for the family and that things go well. And sometimes they dont. You have grumpy babies or young kids who dont want to be there. There is unexpected events and the clients are late and you lost alot of light. Your computer crashes and is in the shop for a week...

The past few days I have received more negative comments than I ever have before. I know you are bound to get bad reviews or grumpy people, unrealistic expectations, or not being on my A game that day. But wow. These have hurt. So many right in a row. I feel horrible.

I already struggle with self worth and feeling like I'm enough. This goes back to when I was a kid. (Thanks, therapy!) I had girls literally tell me that I wasnt good enough or cool enough or pretty enough to be their friend anymore. And they kicked me to the curb. That happened twice in elementary school. I was heartbroken. In high school, I didnt date. Not because I didnt want to, but because the boys were more interested in other girls. (my best friend being one of them). I felt like I wasnt good enough. And so on and so forth through my young adulthood until learning of Jace's addiction and the betrayal I now carry around. The same feelings applied to that. I felt worthless, less than, not important, not enough, etc.

Most days now, I dont think about that or feel that. But every now and then something happens, like all the negative feedback at once, and I feel like a wave is crashing down on me and I cant breathe. I feel paralyzed. I dont want to work, I dont want to see anyone. I believe the clients with what they said. Maybe i'm just not good enough. And what it boils down to is, maybe i'm just not enough. Period.

The intent of me writing this is not for sympathy and I really dont want anyone rolling their eyes at me. I just needed to write it. I needed a friend to listen and this empty blogger page was that friend. Tomorrow will be better.


Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Elisha Maternity + family

The Taft family just recently moved to Arizona from the Bay area (San Francisco) and mom is due with her second baby in the new year. Elisha really wanted to document the pregnancy with maternity pictures, but also wanted new updated family pictures in their new surroundings! 

So, easy peasy, we combined the two! I had them meet me at the Riparian preserve (just a few minutes from their house) and spent a bit in the afternoon documenting this beautiful family! Cant wait to meet your new little girl Taft family!!










Sunday, November 27, 2016

Baby Noah

Noah man was 4 months old when he visited me! This sweet little guy was killing me in his cute outfit and with his flirtatious smiles!! He would be smiling at me one minute, but as soon as my camera came out, he became very concerned and unsure of what was going on.

I loved working with this sweetie--and cant wait till he visits again once he is sitting on his own!!











Saturday, November 26, 2016

Real.

I'm gonna be real here.

about 75% of the time I feel like I'm a crappy mom.

I try so hard, I really do.

But I find that I often fall really short.

I also compare myself to other moms my age (OR YOUNGER!) who have one or more, or many more kids than I do.

I never seem to measure up.

How come I do this? How do I stop? How do I feel like a better mother? How do I BE a better mother?

I want more kids. Gosh dang it, if it were up to me I would have at least 3 by now (the plan was to have 3 by 30, but you know...infertility crap).

Most days I end up crying in my bedroom thinking, "ha! you joker. you're a sub-par mom with ONE kid!! And you think you can handle more!??"

Other days I feel like I nail being a mom.

I cook, I clean, I dont lose my temper more than 5 times during the day (:/), I work, he naps, we're happy, we play, dance around, survive the day, and go to bed mostly happy.

Today I thought I'd nailed it. I worked all morning (which is AWESOME, but also stinks because I'm away from Nash), then came home and decided to do an afternoon date! I loaded him up and surprised him with lunch at Barros (pizza is a family favorite) and he got to watch cartoons and have soda. Then I loaded him up and went to the park!! There were even other kids he got to play with-- AND I didnt hover!! I let him be and have fun. Then it was time for a nap and all hell broke loose. It was the tantrum to end all tantrums (at least for our family!) and I lost my cool. ALOT. He did nap, but woke up WAY early and has been begging since 4 to go for a car ride and leave home. Every time i said no, it was another tantrum...each one longer than the next. Jace came home and things were okay for a bit because Nash loves his dad. Then Jace left to his 2nd job...and Nash lost it again. And before I completely melted down myself, I loaded him up and took him to my parents for a distraction (like they NEEDED US AND OUR DRAMA.)

Tomorrows a new day I guess.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Griffin Family

 Allison won my giveaway I held on facebook!! I hit 500 likes on my page (yahoo!) and put it out there for a free family session. Allison and I are facebook friends (never had met in person) and I was so excited to let her know she had won the shoot!! 

She and her family are moving across the country soon and so we needed to do pictures fairly quickly. She wanted a pretty green backdrop and we decided to go to Nichols Park. 

She has 3 cute kiddos and it was a blast hanging out with them. I wish them the best in their new adventure and I'm so happy we finally were able to meet in person!!












Monday, November 21, 2016

Nash-isms

This kid is KILLING me with the things that he says!!

I try to write them down so I dont forget, but life is crazy and that seems pretty impossible.

I have managed to get a few things lately. So for your enjoyment: Nashisms Fall 2016

"No momma no! No snowman!!"--seeing blowups in the store. they terrify him. he is in trouble, because his papa LOVES blowups. Christmas at gammas and papas is gonna not go over well!

Nash disappeared for about 5 minutes and returned. I asked him what he was doing and he replied "playing pooping". I brought his booty up to my nose. "Playing pooping" means "poopin'"

I was working in the kitchen and Nash comes up to me and and grabs his diaper and says, "my bottom is bubbling." Apparently that is the sensation when you pee in a diaper.

Nash was punching and hitting jace and I a few weeks ago. We asked why are you doing that but he didnt answer us. Super frustrating. After he did it again to me one morning i asked, "what are you doing?" His reply? "I'm playing batman". Jace had been playing his batman game and nash was watching batman hit and punch the bad guys. :(

Along those same lines, Jace will play his star wars video game and nash likes to watch. He calls it "trouble". He especially loves darth vader. Dont know why, but i frequently see him running around with his bat (pretending its a light saber) and making the darth vader breathing sound.

Yesterday Nash grabbed one of my picture easels and was pretending it was a gun (no idea where he would have seen that). I was in the bathroom and he came running in, looked at me and whispered "trouble momma. dont worry", and took off running like he was going to solve some problems!

Everytime Nash sees lights or Christmas trees he yells "Christmas!!!!"

He has learned the song Happy Birthday and Jingle Bells and can sing them on his own!!

I went to get him up in the morning the other day and he said "finally momma! i'm trapped!" (hes still in a crib)

His very favorite show is Rescue Bots and he makes believe with his toys and plays rescue bots ALL DAY EVERY DAY. The other day he was "taking a nap" and I heard him say, "Dont worry boulder, I got you!! and Oh no Cody, be careful!!"

He loves his stuffed kitty and takes him everywhere. Its always been named "kitty" though. Then he realized Rescue Bots had a white kitty on the show. Now our kitty is named "Mr. PeddyPaws." No exceptions.

I'm sure there is more. He cracks me up every day. I love this kid.