Tuesday, September 8, 2020

The one where it takes forever...

 We almost always go to the cabin for Labor Day. Its one of the last times we get to go up for the year (we traditionally try to go around our anniversary in October before they officially shut it all down, but we dont know if we can go this year). We left Friday evening...later than I had hoped to, but Jace had work and I was doing laundry to go and trying to get my prescriptions filled before we left. I think by the time we got something for dinner and filled up with gas and got off it was around 6:30 ish. Mom and Jeff had left 45-60 minutes before that. I should also mention, that we had the dumb cat with us. Its important to the story.

The stupid highway going into Payson has had a lane shut down all summer because of the fire in June. Because of that it added on an additional 2 hours JUST TO GET TO PAYSON.

It was all stop and go traffic...and it made Nash vomit E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E. We stopped at the gas station to clean him and the car up. Mom and Jeff had stopped to eat in Payson, so we now were almost caught up to them. We finally got back on the road, 15 minutes behind everyone else....only to get COMPLETELY stopped in Star Valley. We inched forward for over an hour, only to get stopped in front of Pete's Place (if you know you know). Mom calls and says its a bad traffic accident, but they are letting cars go through alternating between sides. Her car and Jeff's made it and she promised it wouldnt be long for us.

We were at A DEAD STOP for another hour. I finally had lost my mind...it was midnight at this point and we werent even HALF WAY to the cabin. We had been on the road almost 6 hours. SIX! 

I had Jace get out to see what the heck. A guy started driving back toward Payson yelling out his window that he talked to someone in charge and they had completely shut down the highway because of fatalities and they had no idea when they would open it back up.

So...heres the deal. Nash barely fell asleep around 11:15, and its almost 12:15 now....we have been on the road for almost 6 hours with a CAT who hasnt peed in who knows how long. We have no idea how long we might be there. I turned our car around and drove an hour and a half-ish back home. We walked in our house at 1:30 AM. The cat miraculously DID NOT pee in my car or even meow more than once or twice the WHOLE TIME. Nash whined and cried alot home because he was bummed about not going to the cabin.

I woke up Saturday and did some laundry and decided that we would try again, but go up the Globe way (its traditionally a half hour longer of a drive, but last night made me wary of going Payson). We had to fill up the car with gas AGAIN because of the dumb drive the night before. We left Thor at my parents house (my dad was at home). It felt like it took forever, but was still shorter than if we went the other way. We got to the cabin around 2 pm or so.

I'm glad we went, Nash had so much fun with all of the cousins and even got to drive one of Uncle Gary's quads all by himself! They played make believe, built sandcastles, made a fort, and ran around. 

Nash did launch himself off his bed the first night and landed full force on my uterus. I basically couldnt breathe for like 15 minutes. That was fun.

We planned on leaving around 3 ish, but Jeff's minivan wouldnt start around 10 AM and he trouble shooted ALL DAY. We hooked the battery up to our car--battery was fine. Dad was on the phone...he thinks its the starter. Wain starts trying to figure something out. Jeff and Joe go into town to see about towing it but its Labor day and no one is open. We FINALLY loaded the girls up in our car, and jeff's stuff in mom's and we left around 6 or 630 and left his minivan at the cabin. 

We got home before 930 pm last night. 

It was a doozy of a trip. I do not recommend most of it. lol

Thursday, September 3, 2020

Moving Forward

Woo boy. August was the literal WORST.

We started online school the same day that I had my IVF transfer. I was on bed rest and then sick or sore (oh how sore!) from all the meds and shots that I had to do everyday. I was crampy and nauseous (all good signs indicating pregnancy), I lost 5 pounds (I lose weight at the beginning of my pregnancies). 

Then 12 days after that we found out that we lost our babies. 4 days after that we had a conversation with our doctor who told us that we had been pregnant and that i will be miscarrying those babies in the next week or so. 

I miscarried our babies.

All the while still homeschooling, and working.

Then we reached out to discuss another transfer. My IVF coordinator Daina set it up. Our next transfer is scheduled for October. I have to be on birth control pills and other meds while we monitor my lining and other things leading up to it. 

We are nervous.

But we are ready to move forward.

We don't want to be stuck in the sad. In the what ifs. We have more embryos waiting. Its time to keep going.

I'm also really ready for school to start back up again, even for 2 days a week (which is their modified schedule). Everyone in the freaking state has started back up already...why not us?! People are doing Prenda schools--no masks, kids together. Our numbers are going down, not up.

The CDC released information basically owning up to numbers being inflated. Covid is real (our net door neighbor KaraLyn is a nurse had it, so did our neighbors Gary LeSeuer, and Lana Stradling, and Shelice Millett) but its not as deadly for the general population as they have made it out to be. People have lost their livelihoods, the world is in complete chaos, places like New York and California are STILL under lock down 6 MONTHS INTO THIS. 

We are ready to move forward. Yes, our lives will never be the same, but we are ready for our new normal and for people to stop acting how they are acting. We are ready for the election to be over in November so the Democrats and Republicans stop using the American people as their puppets. 

We are ready to move forward past all the blazing HOT weather we are having. Arizona has broken all sorts of records on how many days in a row we have had temps over 110. We have basically not had any monsoon rains.

September in our house is better known as "Sucktember" and I really hope that that doesn't hold up this year. August was sucky, I don't need September to be as well.

Friday, August 21, 2020

Day 12 post transfer

We found out today (August 17th), at 12 days post embryo transfer, that our two beautiful babies didn't "stick". To say our entire family is devastated would be an accurate description. We talked about these babies everyday. We talked about names, what they would look like, how our lives would change once they got here. Nash was talking about how the babies would be in the room next to him and that he could be a big help to me. His comment to me when I told him the news was (with a drooped head and slumped shoulders) "but then ill still be all alone...."and I broke. 

The grief has been coming in waves for me. I was SO sure this was finally it for us...i mean we had our babies created and placed in my uterus for crying out loud. As a woman, and a woman with infertility, its impossible to not blame myself. Maybe I did something wrong, maybe I did my meds wrong, maybe I didn't have enough faith...the list goes on. 

Sure, I know better logically. But for now the pain is speaking louder than logic. 

I now have to prepare myself to miscarry. 

Maybe someday. 💔

This phrase spoke to me...except we don't THINK this all we want, we do WANT it.

Monday, August 10, 2020

Day 5 post transfer

I joined a "IVF TRANSFER IN AUGUST" group on Facebook. I thought it would be good support...but honestly its making me more nervous and in my head. Some of the women who transfered the same day as me or even after me are already taking pregnancy tests!  

What in the world?!

What if its negative? Then you're miserable for 2 weeks, but COULD actually be pregnant. What if its a false positive? Then you spend 2 weeks overjoyed only to be heartbroken 💔. 

I am so nervous. There is so much riding on this. So much time, so much money, so much hope and prayers!

Monday, August 3, 2020

Transfer day!!

I passed my 3rd test!! 
4 days ago, I started my new protocol. I now take progesterone cream twice a day and jace has to give me a large shot in my butt of progesterone in oil, plus the estradiol pills twice a day and the estrace cream at night PLUS all of my other pills and supplements. 


I'm constantly sore, and my body has changed thanks to the bloating and swelling from the meds. 

I've done the progesterone shots to jump start my period before, but i'm doing these every day and I have never been more sore. Laying down and rolling over is ROUGH.

My hormones have definitely shifted...my patience level is at a 0. 

We got our for sure transfer date for our sweet embryos! August 5th! 

I'm so excited, nervous, tired, sore, anxious...all of the things!

Also, Nash starts online school tomorrow (day before my transfer...) We will see how it goes! 



Every time I think that there can NOT be possibly more information to take on in regards to fertility, I AM MISTAKEN!

For you women who can get pregnant and not think about it, I feel it would truly blow your mind. I have been going through infertility for 8 years, and treatments for 7 AND I'M CONSTANTLY BLOWN AWAY.

The amount of medications, the amount of doctors appointments, the decisions, the financial burden...its all truly astronomical.

I am starting preparing my body for my embryo transfer, whereby i will (God willing) be pregnant. I'm on so many pills and supplements already. I just picked up my meds for the next 4 weeks...totaling almost $2,000 and it fills my kitchen counter. I will have 4 different alarms set for different medications every SINGLE day. Some meds do the same thing, but cant be taken at the same time, or in the same vein. So like, in the AM and PM i'll be doing pills of one medication, but also right before bed I'll be using a vaginal cream. SAME TYPE OF MEDICATION. Its just crazy town. I will be giving myself shots again and I will be doing upwards of 3 different injections PLUS all the pills and creams almost every single day.


Plus, while I'm preparing my body for transfer, you have "check in" appointments, where they draw blood, do ultrasounds, tests to make sure my uterus is open (no freaking polyps please!), and scratch the heck out of my lining so the embryo has a nice soft pillow to bury itself into.

I've passed 2 out of 3 tests so far, clearing me for my transfer date.

Please pray for us, for me, and for our embryos!! We are so ready for this part of this journey to be done and move onto the next!!

Tuesday, July 14, 2020

Our Journey Part Dos Summer 2020

After the devastation that was March 2020, Covid-19 put a HALT on everything non-emergency related. No dental procedures, no elective surgeries, no fertility treatments.

I got a call in May, stating that as the state opened back up, we could start proceeding with IVF. It was so nerve wrecking to decide to move forward in this way. Its A LOT of money with no guaranteed outcome. But over the last 2+ years we have spent that much and probably more altogether...so we decided to go for it.

We have prayed and fasted to know what to do for years now. We have felt like failures because we've never received inspiration from Heavenly Father helping guide us in one direction or another. However, we have felt pretty strongly about 2 things. #1. We have more kids waiting for us. and #2. its not time for adoption yet. Well, that doesn't leave too many options for us, so we went forward and scheduled IVF treatments.

Thanks to Covid19 everything is definitely different. I am the only person allowed at the office (unless Jace had to go do his part). You text when you are there and wait in your car to be called into the office. You are required to wear a mask, get your temperature taken, and answer a few questions before you go in to get checked.

I'm dealing with a whole new set of nurses-- my favorite nurse was furloughed because of Covid19 :(
I have an IVF coordinator--I call her often to ask questions.

I went on a very intense medication cycle and had to do blood work and ultrasounds EVERYDAY after day 6. I started the whole process June 1st. On June 13th I went in for my Egg Retrieval. Surgery was different too. I was whisked away and was alone during prep (except for my cute nurse Judy) and had to wear a mask until I was up on the operating table. I woke up and had to get dressed and everything by myself and was wheeled out to the car where I finally saw Jace again. My nurse realized that my birthday was in 2 days. I said this is my birthday present. I want babies for my birthday!

We were told that they were able to take 36 EGGS during retrieval! That is amazing.

The next day they called and said they were able to fertilize 20 of those eggs.

Then came the waiting. 7 LONG DAYS OF WAITING to hear about our embryos. We have prayed and fasted for those babies. I have had many conversations with Nash about what fertilization is and what an embryo is. My 6 year old knows more about the science of reproduction than I did in high school, I swear.


I just got the call.


We are going to have the opportunity to have more babies and we are beyond thrilled. I am going to be crying once it finally hits. Our babies. Our "Em-babies". So excited.