Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Crack up

Nash is a crack up.

He does some of the weirdest things. Sometimes they are funny, and others they are...not so funny.

Like today, I was in the laundry room. I was out of sight for 5 minutes and came in and he had stripped down, naked, and was sitting in his rocking chair.

Then 10 minutes later after I had gotten another diaper on, he asked to play on my "cell none {na-ohn}". PBS has some episodes available for kids to watch, and for the most part they are fine. He knows there are a few he is NOT allowed to watch. Calliou being one of them. He looked at me and said, "no calliou momma". Then he slowly got off the couch, and ran behind another couch and started watching calliou. Sneaky little kid. Phone privileges got taken away...which he handled as well as calliou. Which if you've seen that show for 5 seconds you know its not good. Freaking Calliou.

Nash has been extra emotional lately. He FINALLY is getting his last molar. Hallelujah. Teething is almost done ya'll!! However, its caused him to be a bit dramatic. The tantrums are epic. So epic that I either erupt in frustration or turn around to hide my laughter, because WHO DOES THAT?!

Nash loves to play in his uncle Joe's room. I mean it has a TV and an Xbox at his level. So when we go over there, nash runs back there and joe yells "my room!" and chases after nash. Nash now thinks its a game. Ha! Jokes on you joe. Now nash runs back there yelling "my room!!" and will shut the door behind him.

The messes are extraordinary. He is in destructo mode lately and its bewildering. At my parents house the other night he was tossing pillows everywhere and started to throw books. My mother got stern with him (which she never does) when she explained that we dont throw books. Nash looked at my mom like, "oh man. shes serious". And then proceeded to sing "clean up, clean up, every body every where"...while picking up that particular mess.

Nash is getting good at following directions while we help him pray. The funny part is that he will be slow and reverent during night time, but all bets are off for prayers over the food. He goes really fast and makes each word sound funny. WHERE DID THAT COME FROM!??! and Why!?

Our pest control company came out yesterday. The man who does our home has been doing my parents home for as long as I can remember. Nash followed him from room to room. When nash turned around, Dray was already gone and Nash yells, "WAIT!! come back!!!!" and then ran into every room until he found him. Hilarious.

Last night we went to my parents house. I was talking to my mom and dad and nash came running through saying, "papa!! i love you" and then ran away. It was adorable. 

This morning the garbage man came by. Nash heard the truck and said "oh! garbage. finally."

Friday, May 13, 2016

Letting go.

It takes so much effort to hold on to something.

Somethings are worth that effort: faith, family, etc.

Others are not: worry, fear, etc.

Over the last few weeks, our therapist gave us some homework. In our last session we talked about how because of jace's addiction (or the revelation of said addiction), my fear (that i keep pretty well hidden) was let loose. Addiction touches every part of your spiderwebs out like a cracked window....strings to the past, present, and stretching out into the future. broken. Tainted. And what happens is that fear escalates things. Our therapist called it the spider on the floor or the tiger in the grass. You know its there...but what ELSE is lurking? How else can I be hurt? And then the floodgates open.

Betrayal trauma. Its insanely difficult to describe unless you have gone through it personally. 

"Betrayal trauma is a condition that parallels the symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and is caused when someone experiences betrayal and deception within their primary relationship; this betrayal damages the trust and safety of the relationship and calls into question the bond they have with their partner.
If you have been betrayed by your spouse through pornography use or infidelity, you may experience tremendous anxiety, high stress, fatigue, depression, despair, grief, fear, and other serious symptoms."

So now I have real fear because of something that happened that I had no control over, I now have real fear because I cant control my husband seeking recovery or how well that recovery goes, and I have real fear that he will relapse and we will continue going through this same hell on earth.

So the homework we were given...I was to openly express my feelings. Jace was to frequently ask how my fear was. Jace struggles to communicate, and my feelings are escalated. It didnt seem to be going well. 

We had a few things that happened that made things a little better though. His sponsor (an addict in recovery) came to our house to meet me and talk with us both. He wasnt there to teach ME because that isnt his place. But he facilitated another honest conversation in between our therapy sessions. It generated painful (hard, not hurtful) conversations between jace and I. "Brutal honesty". 

I have been working really hard on ME. Because of the fear that I now have, its REALLY hard to let go of all the anger I have felt towards Jace. And everything I'm feeling is completely justified. Literally every person has said so. All the books, multiple therapists, our bishop, Jace's sponsor, and Jace himself. I know that what I'm feeling is part of the trauma I've gone through.

 I also know that I have to feel that AND THEN MOVE FORWARD so I can heal and recover myself. 


But i'm working on it. I believe the Lord is working within me and making things clearer to navigate. 

And today we had another therapy session. It was the best one so far. It was very promising. 

Its nice to not feel like I'm just floating in a deep pit of despair and anger. 

Now we have new homework. We'll see how this one goes, because its going to get REAL uncomfortable with sharing, communicating, and connecting. I'll be interested to see how we do.

Monday, May 9, 2016

When the truth comes out...

Since letting friends and family know what is going on in our life with Jace's addiction and the subsequent turmoil that comes with that, its been interesting to see who really cares about us and our future/marriage. And how vocal people are about the subject.

I've had many people, friends and family and some acquaintances even, reach out to send their love, support, prayers, and testimonies.

But what has been even more interesting is watching the other end of the spectrum. I shared something so beyond personal and painful...and yet people feel the need to lash out, be unsupportive, go the extreme in telling me that this is my fault and that i'm shaming my husband. And these are people that I thought loved me, cared about me, and cared and were supportive in mine and jace's marriage succeeding. Can you believe people want my marriage to fail?

I couldn't.

This experience truly IS the hardest thing I've been through. My husband would say the same for him. My bishop called this a trial of faith. And boy, I have felt that faith tested. I'm grateful to know that I have a loving Heavenly Father and that He is there for me, especially after learning of others who are not there for me. I'm not grateful for this experience now...but someday, once i'm on the other side of this...i'm sure I will be. 

For now, I'm glad to know where I stand with certain people. I dont need the negativity of their opinions to weigh on me, when I really am fighting for my marriage. I'm the one who is still here, I'm the one who is literally fighting against fear, trauma (its called betrayal trauma in case you were wondering. its real, linked to be similar to PTSD, and I recommend looking it up), and anxiety. I've always struggled with anxiety, and my husbands addiction has just made it skyrocket. I'm the one who got us into a great therapist, and WE (my husband and I) are fighting for our forever. Jace is doing his fair share of fighting against Satan and his followers as well. This world we live in now, is just so full of horrible, ugly, and addictive things. Its a constant battle.

So, if you are one of those who is unsupportive of me and my marriage succeeding, then please, stop reading my blog. Unfollow me from Instagram and Facebook. I have no need for someone, who is fighting against something that God Himself wants to see succeed, to be in my life in ANY part.

I want the other people in my life, who have reached out, lended support/listening ear/hugs/articles/ and hope....THANK YOU. It means more than you'll ever have any clue.

And for those wondering...Jace and I are doing much better. There is still a LONG road ahead...and this is something that is a LIFELONG battle...but there IS hope. We can feel it. 

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Dianne, Kenny, and Family...a special Mother's Day shoot

My neighbor Dianne is an incredibly talented artist.
I wanted some of her artwork for my home, and we decided to do a trade.

My end of the bargain was family portraits for Mother's day.

This has to be my fastest turn around yet...and only because I wanted to surprise those women for Mother's day. (I took the pictures last night, edited until the wee hours of the morning, and sent them over to her this afternoon.)

Yesterday we went to my ultra spectacular spot/secret oasis/friends parents backyard. I had Grandma, Mom and Dad, Dianne and Kenny and their children.

It was the perfect day. Overcast, 75 degrees, with a slight breeze. 

I hope the family loves these pictures as much as I do. It was an honor to spend the evening with them! I know how special it is to have the generations present...those pictures with "grandma/great-grandma" are going to be treasures someday.

Everything isnt always rosy...which makes for a great shot.

A treasure to be sure.

Happy Mother's Day!!

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Baby Brinley

Newborn sessions.

My baby fever comes on real quick and I just wanna snuggle that precious babe all day!!! And smell their head. Can they bottle that smell?!


Baby Brinley was NO exception! She is just one day shy of 2 weeks old, which is longer than I like to wait to do newborn sessions. However, Brinley just broke out of the NICU, like, yesterday. 
So its alright. :)

I absolutely loved our session. She was wide awake at first and we got fun pictures with her big sister. Then, after her tummy was filled, she went right on to sleep and snoozed through the rest of the session. 

What a doll!!

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Right now.

Oh boy.

I'm not the most eloquent person. I'm not a professional writer. This blog doesn't make money. I write here for 2 reasons: as a part of therapy, a way to get my emotions out; and as a way to journal my life. I have hand written journals, but the computer is a much faster way for me to say what I want to say. I dont only document happy moments...because life isn't made up of just happy moments. I want anyone who reads this to understand life is hard right now. I'm well aware of that. But I do try to find multiple moments of happiness daily. My life is hard, but its my life. And my life is a gift from God and I'm going to do my best to be appreciative of that gift.

Since learning of Jace's addiction a year ago (this week) life completely changed. I dont know how to explain it properly, especially to people who haven't experienced this kind of betrayal trauma or to people who dont understand how utterly devastating a pornography addiction is.

You would be surprised to know that most people think that us wives of pornography addicts (WOPAs) are crazy, emotional, unstable, stupid, ridiculous, etc. etc. etc. The world has normalized porn. Its a joke to people, that people would be upset by it. People don't think that its an actual addiction. Anyone who thinks this way is so beyond wrong. Study after study is showing how harmful a pornography addiction is now...TIME magazine just did a whole spread on it. It got brought up on the view recently, and in the news with Utah's governor signing a new resolution: " Utah Gov. Gary Herbert will sign a resolution declaring pornography a "public health crisis" at the Utah state capitol today.The resolution was introduced by Republican state Senator Todd Weiler in January 2015, to battle the “pornography epidemic harming” the state and the country."--that was from USA today.

I'm not going to get into jace's addiction...maybe one day if he's comfortable I'll have him write a post. But I'm going to re-itterate that the addiction started WAY before me. However, with the discovery of the completely changes...everything. I mean, our entire marriage, our entire relationship was built on lies, upon lies, upon lies. Jace was cheating on me with images and videos and what have you. Hearing that...realizing what was going on in your own home behind your back... it makes you feel stupid. Dirty. Angry. Worthless.

My married life up to this point was a lie...and now my future is unclear. Where there once was a general outline (nothing too stable, because life has a way of not working how you thought ie:infertility) now there was NOTHING. My husband was a stranger to me. The foundation I thought we had built upon was condemned and torn down. We started rebuilding and then he relapsed and that foundation crumbled again. Its been 2 months now. And last week Jace told me that he acted out, very purposefully, and had been lying to me (lie of omission) for 3 weeks. 

I am in a state of shock. My life is in a state of flux. Jace has to make a very important decision: its the addiction or your family. You fight for us. You fight even if it kills you, to keep us. Or you let us go. Both are hard and scary pills to swallow. 

My life was not supposed to be this way. I was supposed to find a man who actually REALLY loved me...who would treat me as his queen. I would be faithful, loyal, and loving. I was to become a mother and raise my children to be God-fearing, serviceable people. I was to be happy.

Right now...all of that feels unobtainable. My mother told me the other day that there is a time and a season for everyone. My time, right now, is to go through this horrific trial. My bishop called it a trial of faith. I'm working really hard to find the good that is floating in the junk...but its a daily struggle. 

Right now...i'm surviving. That's literally all I can say. I take care of Nash all day (who is so energetic and tiring, but also sweet and cute and my miracle in all of this), and I take care of my business and our finances. However, my anxiety comes rearing most days and I feel stuck. I stare at my messy house...all the toys that Nash gets out and we play with, the cups of water he spills everywhere because he has to be independent, the dishes that are piled nice and high in my sink because standing at the sink doing them while my child is making a mess unsupervised churns my stomach (last time i did that he drew all over my kitchen floor with a crayon)...I cant find the motivation to do anything. At night, i struggle to husband and I are still separated and I'm alone...then I'm plagued with thoughts and horrible dreams in relation to his addiction. If i'm lucky, my son will sleep, but lately he's been sick so i'm up multiple times a night with him and then up early for the day. 

Its hard to see my future right now. The 'right now' is a hard place to be in...because my 'right now' is not necessarily happy. But I hope and pray with all my might that my 'right now' will run its course and I get to move past it into my future. Oh my, how I pray for that day.

Saturday, April 9, 2016


I hate when you have some really frustrating things going on in your life that others seem to follow right behind it and snowball.

The past year, i have felt that my life has been one big snowball. 

The house buying, the moving, the sickness, the addiction reveal, the lonely nights, the heartbroken days, the starting a new business, the sickness for months on end, the toddler who still wont sleep, the relapse, more heartbroken and lonely nights, stressed so much my blood pressure started to spike...etc.

We did our taxes with our long time CPA March 8th. Turns out we were getting a fair chunk of money back. And to be honest, it has been NEEDED. The roof in our house needs to be replaced, we need a new hot water heater, and it would be nice to put a chunk down on debt. 

That was the ONE piece of news that felt like the snowball was melting.

And that was a month ago. A FREAKING MONTH. 

I had been trying to get ahold of my CPA in the last week to ask what the heck was going on and they were so swamped that I didnt hear back from them. My frustration rose, my stress rose, and I called that office like 15 times in 3 days. FINALLY found out what happened. 

There was a check that came in for Jace from a lawsuit that PapaJohns went through. Since Jace had worked for them at the time, he got a $100 check from them. It also had a tax form to take in with you. So i included that in our taxes, and apparently it was for 2016's taxes since the check came in 2016. So the IRS denied our whole refund because of a stupid paper. 

Its being But that was like the last thing I needed. I'm also retraining Nash on how to sleep, but now I'm having a hard time falling asleep. But man. This tax thing. I had a nightmare about it last night...that our water heater finally went poof! and we didnt have the return to pay for it. The things that become nightmares as you get older...