Saturday, August 18, 2018

"Finding Joy"

So for the past year and a half the word JOY has been on my mind. I've got pages of quotes and scriptures and talks I've been reading on the subject.

When i made our fummer list, one of my goals was to "find joy".

When i got my new calling as a primary teacher and I was set apart, in the prayer they specifically mentioned that "i would find joy in this calling".

I found a sign last month to add to a gallery wall in my family room that says "choose joy".

And yesterday my mom found this quote and gave it to me. I loved it so much I made it into a printable. (feel free to save and use!)


I'm finding myself getting agitated easily, and losing my cool multiple times a day. I've been struggling with finding joy in my life. Nash has been needing SO MUCH attention and interaction, which I try to give him, but apparently its not enough because oi. We keep working towards paying off our debt (3 credit cards GONE this summer BTW) and working towards Jace's next promotion, and needing a new car...all that jazz. It gets exhausting and overwhelming. I also am so frustrated that I'm not pregnant. Getting Nash a sibling keeps seeming like a never ending and disappointing journey. My "best friend" basically stopped keeping in touch a year or 2 ago. My other friend who I would consider my best friend, is a GUY and he and his family moved to Washington. I feel really alone on that front. I keep thinking of all the things that aren't happening in my life and my family's lives and it makes me SO SAD. 

I feel like I go so long without saying anything or talking through things that I sometimes explode on my 4 year old--that is so not fair. My sister in law Jamie, posted this video of Elder Holland and Jace and I both sobbed through it. Good grief I need to be better.

Nash will be starting preschool in 2 weeks for 3 days a week for 2.5 hours on those days. I think it will be a marvelous break for both of us. It will give him the interaction with other kids and his teacher is an absolute ANGEL. And for me...not only will it give me time during the day to work and not feel guilt for working while Nash "needs" me, but I think it will give me the opportunity to rediscover ME as a person...not as a business owner, or a mom, or a wife....but me. I used to have a fantastic relationship with myself and with my Heavenly Father (not saying I dont have a relationship with Him--but it is NOT what it used to be)....and that quote from President Nelson kind of smacked me in the face.

I dont know. I wish I was more eloquent, but I just wanted to say that I'm trying. I'm trying to find the joy in my life again, even if its not what I had hoped for at this time. 

I love my husband, I love my family, I love my nash so much, I love my home, and I love my Heavenly Father. And so this entry isnt so depressing here are a couple of pictures for you to see of my cute boy and his kitty cat. :)

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

Fummer 2018

FUMMER is here!!!

This year, I added some more things, but still on my quest to not stress myself out too much.

I'm excited because there are a few things on there that I've wanted to do for a long time AND because one of them will impact our lives forever! (adopting a kitten).

And once again, these are more "big ticket items" and more have been added in with pencil, but you get the idea. I cant believe this is my last summer with Nash before he starts school (pre-school mind you, but still!) He is growing up too fast and my time is seeming to slip away!! That is SO unfair how that happens!!

Fummer 2017

Nash is growing up by the day. The day, people! Lol

Last year I made a list of like 10 things we were going to do/wanting to do for the summer. He had no idea what that was, so it was mostly for me.

This year he understands quite a bit more.

So I created our "Fummer" (Fun/summer) list for 2017.

Initially I just did our "big ticket items" on the printed out list...

then I printed a second copy and started writing in the available spaces. 

What I'm super excited about it that I'm working really hard to accomplish all of these by September (End of "summer" for most people...)
And so far we've done 5, and are halfway through another 4.

((edited to add: by the end of September we accomplished everything on that list except the secret project and teaching nash to ride his bike. Plus we had a whole slew of other things we did and accomplished as well))

Thats huge for me. I never ever want my kids summer to be so packed FULL of things that I want them to do, or that we HAVE to do, that they dont have lazy days--or we always feel stressed-- or i feel guilty if we didnt do something. My kids might never be in summer classes (other than swim lessons) and I've decided that I'm 100% okay with that.

You only get to be a kid once, and I think that as grown ups/parents we are so busy trying to make them have happy memories that we cause more issues than creating wonderful moments. I see so many people stressing out because all 4 of their kids have something going at the same time, and they need to pack for the vacation they are leaving on tomorrow, and they feel like they need to do 1000 crafts with their kids but also want their house semi cleaned, and then they feel overwhelmed and stressed....

I dont think it worth that. As someone who struggles with anxiety, I already put a crap ton of pressure on myself and feel guilt and overwhelmed doing little things; like going to swim lessons at the same time everyday for a month and going to the library 2 times a month. I cant overload with some unnecessary things just because its summer and I need my kids to be involved and active in everything, everyday or because I allow myself to compare myself to other moms who seem to be doing it all and with great ease. I just cant.
Just my 2 cents.

So, I'm excited for our Fummer of 2017, as relaxed as it may be :)

Thursday, June 7, 2018

Pet People

I have about 5 blog posts in drafts and 1 in my head.

I'm in a deep funk and finishing them is just not a priority.

However, as we have hit a new milestone in our lives, I figured I'd hurry and share.

We are now pet owners!

Meet Thor. The neediest, cuddliest, cutest part Siamese kitten we adopted from our neighbors!

I promise I have tons of video of Nash and Jace with him too--but they are on my phone transferring to Dropbox as I type.

When we got married we had beta fish at the reception. We kept 2 and my parents kept 2 (we didnt think it through before we did it! lol) I tried with all my stinking might to keep those guys alive. And I failed. I dont even understand it.

Then in 2011/2012? Jace was feeling the push to get a pet. We both worked long hours and were in an he decided we needed a robo hamster. You guys. Jace never took care of that thing. And it was the size of my thumb. A cute thing to look at but thats all it was good for. Then I was the only one taking care of it and they only are supposed to live 2-3 years. Pepper Potts got sickly and died close to having her for 2.5 years.

We have now lived in our home for 3 years and we have a 4 year old. You would have thought we would have a pet by now (no more fish or rodents for me!) and jace wasnt keen on the idea of a cat. But every time we thought about a dog, I just didnt have a good feeling--its just not the time. Plus nash loves dogs from far away and not so much up close. He LOVES cats.

So when our neighbors had kittens, we started seriously talking about it. Then they said they had a white one and I've always dreamed of a white cat with blue eyes. So without seeing him we said we would take him. When we finally got over there to see him...I was surprised to find that he was a Siamese!! Still pretty and has beautiful blue eyes.

Its been an adjustment. I've been putting him in the laundry room (which is quite large) at night so I dont have to worry about accidents (working on litter training still) or our couches getting scratched up or our sleep being disturbed. He hasnt loved it. About 5 AM he starts crying and it wakes me up, but he wants to PLAY and there is just no way that is happening. lol

We have swim lessons in the mornings and I feel guilty about leaving him locked up again, so yesterday he went and played at my parents and today my brother came to play with him. LOL I'm ridiculous.

We keep calling him..."her". Hopefully we will get the hang of that.

And Nash is learning responsibility of being in charge of playing with him some.

Pray that I get the hang of this and Thor mellows a bit. :)

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Still alive over here

Well...happy new year, happy valentines day, happy st. patricks day, happy birthday to Nash, happy conference, and happy Easter! LOL

Thats all gone down since I wrote last...AT CHRISTMAS. Goodness me.

I still have those blog posts in draft. FYI.

We have been in the thick of life over here. I'm still posting some on my Instagram and Facebook, but I've cut WAY WAY WAY back on that too.

I'm struggling to find balance in my life. Balance in my home life, balance with technology, balance as a working mom. Nash will be starting pre-school this year and while I'm doing cartwheels (figuratively, because...DIZZY) somedays, other days I want to bawl my eyes out at how fast he is growing up.

He asked me yesterday why I get sad that he is growing up. The fact that he asked that question was actually the answer! How? How did this happen so fast?

Work is good--again, the balance thing.

Jace has taken on a second job M-S! :(  Our goal is to pay down our credit card debt ASAP. My brother and his wife bought us tickets to Dave Ramsey's Smart Money Tour last year and while we arent 100% insanely on board....we pretty much have been converted and have been working hard to change our present, so our future is 100% OURS to decide on. And the future of our son is that he will see how hard we worked to get out of debt and STAY out of debt and the goal is to pass that on to him.

We have had our fair share of sickness since Christmas too. Mostly me. Dang crappy immune system.

And I'm still at a loss over our continued infertility. I feel so alone and sad most of the time. I have no one to talk to and everytime I come on here thinking I might say what I'm feeling, I get all in my head about what people will say. So then I dont, and I continue feeling sad and alone.

Good times.

Anyways, just wanted to say we are still here....still alive....just living and working and growing old. :)

Friday, December 22, 2017

Merry Christmas 2017

You haven't heard from me in {quite} awhile!! Did you miss me?

I have about 5 or 6 blog posts that are in draft...I just cant seem to find the motivation or time to finish them off. I've been a bit overloaded with work and life and when that happens it is all I can do to get through my day doing what i HAVE to do, and leaves very little time for what i may WANT to do, like updating this blog.

I am taking the next week and a half off work. I wont be answering emails, or doing any photoshoots whatsoever. Vastly different from last year! Last year I worked up to the 23rd and then started again on the 27th. In the week from Christmas to New Years, I had 4 photoshoots!! I have nothing scheduled so I can refocus my mind and soul and spend some MUCH needed quality time with my husband and sweet sweet son.

I just wanted to pop on and wish everyone a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS from my family to yours. I hope you take some time to enjoy the moment and not be so frazzled that you miss the important things--and of course to remember the reason for the season--our dear Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.


Friday, September 22, 2017


Tonight my heart hurts and my eyes brim with tears.

I am longing for another little one to join our family.

I cry while holding my Nash...he is getting so big, so grown up, so fast.

I feel that I am not done having children.

I fear that my window is closing.

I long for the day that I can give Nash a sibling. He would love that so much. A buddy.

Infertility is the worst.