Thursday, May 18, 2017

Week 4

Well, here it is. The last weekly update that i'm gonna make myself do :) I'm sure to check back in and let you know my progress at some point.

I had my weigh in yesterday. Down another pound. That's 6 pounds in 4 weeks exactly.

Not my best--but also not bad.

This last week, I finished my period FINALLY, had an ultrasound on my thyroid, did a fasting glucose test, and was exhausted.

I had my follow up appointment today with my endocrinologist.

The ultrasound on the thyroid showed 2 small nodules--neither of them big enough to even biopsy so shes not worried about them. I'll get another ultrasound in a year to make sure they aren't growing. If they are, then there is a VERY SLIM chance that the biopsy would show cancer. She isn't worried, and neither am I.

My fasting glucose reading was great, however the draws at 1 and 2 hours were not. I wasn't allowed to take my metformin that day and what it showed was that i was in the "pre-diabetic" range. She told me that she is calling me Insulin Resistant and that I'll probably have to take metformin for the rest of my life.

I'll go in and see her before the end of the year and we'll check my progress on the weight loss and possibly do more blood work to see how everything is changing.

All in all, not a bad appointment.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

What I know

So, I wouldn't call myself an expert on anything.

I've done lots of things.

Lots of things well, and lots of things not so well.

I've learned lots.

One thing I know well (that I wish I didn't) is the horrible-ness of cancer.

When I was 5, my grandpa who I idolized, died of prostate cancer.

When I was 13, my aunt died of pancreatic cancer.

When I was 19, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She went from stage one pre-surgery to almost a stage 4 after (ended up stage 3). She almost died. She then tested positive for the ovarian cancer gene. So she had a hysterectomy so that wouldn't take her life.

When I was 22, my uncle died of cancer that was caught too late and had metastasized to his bones.

At 26, I got tested and tested positive for the same cancer gene that my mom did.



What I'm saying, is (and this is just my close family.)..cancer is a beast that is relentless.

I learned: how to be strong, when you feel weak.
I learned: how to pick up and keep going, when you feel like falling apart.
I learned: how to cope with the feeling of loss.
I learned: what it was like to watch your parent go through something that basically was killing them, in order for them to live to see you into adulthood.
I learned: to rely on faith. To drink in the hopes and prayers of others.

I watched my mother have surgery after surgery, have a double mastectomy, receive a port to have chemo, do 6 months of chemo, do weeks and weeks of radiation therapy, lose her hair, stay in bed because she was so sick, I've seen her worry and stress about "what if" something happened to her--what would happen to her kids.

I've come to know a thing or two about cancer.
Its a monster. 

Jace's oldest brother Jeff had cancer when he was a toddler. Well, we found out today that the monster has returned. This time its residing around his colon. Jeff has colon cancer. He'll go in for surgery next week, and then have 6 months of chemo (i don't know about radiation), and then another surgery later to reattach his bowels. 

This, to me, unfortunately feels routine. No one should ever feel that way about something so horrible.

But here is what I know:
God is real.
God is good.
God loves us.
The power of prayer is real.
Faith of others can carry you through.
Hope is the best medicine.
Laughter will be tough to find, but crucial.
It is OKAY to be scared.
It is OKAY to cry.
It is OKAY to worry.
And its OKAY to express how you are really feeling.

Are you down in the dumps? Does that moment in time "suck"? Say it. Are you so tired of puking your guts out and cant stand your bathroom anymore? SCREAM IT. Are you worried about your future? Voice it. 

The Lord will hear you. He will guide you. He will carry you through.

THIS is what I know.


Week 3

I started another period, dangit. I had one at the start of week 1 for crying out loud.

I started a new blood pressure medication this week that will allow me to go off birth control (praises!) and that would be safe to be on while pregnant. We are seeing how my body is adjusting to being on it. So far, my blood pressure has remained steady (or as steady as it ever is) but I've now developed some nasty migraines. And I still have to be on birth control since we werent sure how I would react. Its been a pretty rough week to be honest.

The food thing has been interesting. I've been doing intermittent fasting, and because my stomach shrinks, I'm not especially hungry. Feeling sick from medication and a period doesn't help either. So I've been not eating enough according to myfitnesspal. I even try eating an extra apple, or some cheese before bed so my calories are high enough to even complete my daily diary and I've failed a few days to do that.


My workouts have been less than stellar. I hit my doctors minimum of 3 days a week--i ended up doing 4. My personal goal was 5 days. However it got up to 105 degrees and it was 95 degrees in my garage--and the heat combined with the way I was feeling...just didnt lend to good workouts.

I also am struggling with motivation to work out due to stress. Jace had interviewed for a promotion which we both desperately needed him to get. He has been so tired of his work situation and needing a change, and a nice bump in pay was something our family needed. My work flow had been slow and so i have been working overtime to change that. Its definitely helping, but its lead to LONG nights, and my mornings and nash's naptime being filled with work, not work outs. :( I'll find the balance, I know I will....it just wasnt this week.

My endocrinologist thought she felt something on my thyroid at my first appointment with her and she wanted me to get an ultrasound. I did that this week too. Now I'm freaking out that something may be wrong. I've never had an issue with my thyroid, so I'm hoping thats not the case.

I weighed in again and lost 1 pound. So i'm technically down 5 pounds in 3 weeks. Its a start.

Monday, May 8, 2017

List day

1. Arizona weather. You're crazy and I'm not really complaining. From 105 one day to the next day in the low 70s with crazy wind. Thanks for the little reprieve.

2. Health/Body. Get your butt into gear! (pun intended). Seriously. I'm doing the work--start showing it!

3. Nash. EAT YOUR DANG FOOD ALREADY! The struggle is real.

4. Time. Slow down. Just a little please!

5. Business. Pick up! lol Its been a bit slow for me the last 2 months, and I'm wanting to dive back in full force!

6. Jace's job. HE GOT A PROMOTION!! We are so excited for his next step.

7. Headaches. Go away.

8. Things Nash says. Can he stay little forever?! "Pee-nano"--piano. That was from last night. Also, we watched a Tom and Jerry where Tom is on a farm with chickens. He goes to the city and sees a bunch of pigeons. Nash pointed to the pigeons and exclaimed, "my, what beautiful chickens!" Dead.
<3 p="">
9. Imaging centers. I hate having to have testing done. Especially after Jace's cancer scare.

10. I need a vacation. Blanket statement.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Week 2

Dont worry all, I wont be doing these weekly updates on my diet forever. 

I go in for a follow up at the end of week 4, and I just wanted to document my starting progress.

Because lets face it...this is basically a forever thing. I'm changing a lifestyle. A mindset. And hormones.
Its not gonna be fast!

I also know that my weight might not change a ton. I was secretly hoping it might...but I knew not to get my hopes up.

Well I failed. I feel like with all the effort i'm putting in--working out  days a week--cutting my caloric intake in half--monitoring carbs, fat, proteins, sugar--upping my water intake by 50%-- intermentant fasting--and getting back on my medication....that I should see results. Either on the scale or with my clothes, right?

Ugh. Well, I weighed in yesterday and was down 1 pound. Discouraging.

I tried on 3 different shirts (that I wore at Christmas for goodness sake) and they were showing some very unflattering rolls.

UGH. the worst!!

Also, i thought working out was supposed to help give you energy? Its been a really long time since i've been this run down!! 
(i'm pretty sure all those runners that claim they get a runners high are lying and all the fitness nuts who claim to miss working out are quite literally NUTS. but thats just my 2 cents :) )


Monday, May 1, 2017

Jace

So back at the end of March, Jace had a scary experience.

He had blood in his urine.

We rushed him to the doctor, who was worried, and sent him to get an ultrasound the next day.

The ultrasound results came that afternoon from the doctor (unheard of in my experience) saying they found a mass on one of his kidneys.

Jace was to get a CT scan, but couldnt get in for a few days.

Pretty scary when you think you have cancer.

Our doctors assistant wasnt okay with that and personally called around to get him in THAT day somewhere.

She was amazing.

So Jace went.

And our doctor personally called Jace that evening after business hours (from his car, no less!) to say that the CT scan didnt show any cancer.

Whew.

We went in a few days later to discuss (follow up) with our doctor. He explained what they saw on the ultrasound and what they saw in the CT. Apparently Jace's kidney is odd and is thicker than normal (his mom has weird shaped kidneys, so it must be genetic) and that is what the ultrasound picked up but couldnt distinguish. However, there was still the blood in the urine thing that was troublesome.

So off to a urologist we went. We had our initial meeting and scheduled a scope. That would check the bladder, the prostate, and the urethra making sure there was no cancer anywhere.

To say Jace was not excited about this would be putting it mildly.

He went in at the end of April, had the procedure, and we have received news.

THERE IS NO CANCER.

(lets take a minute and thank Heavenly Father for this blessing)

Best guess of the cause of bleeding is that Jace passed a kidney stone and didnt realize it.

So there you go. Jace's cancer scare of 2017.
Lets not do that again, okay?

Friday, April 28, 2017

Garbage

Is anyone on here an emotional eater?

You eat when you are happy? Or sad? Or stressed?

I have found that I have turned into an emotional eater.




Yesterday my whole day was thrown off when I got a phone call reminding me I had forgotten a commitment. I was late. I hadnt eaten anything and I basically threw Nash in the car and we rushed over lickity split.

Well...my healthy food choices arent at the house where I was...so I made a not so great breakfast choice. And one thing led to another because then it was almost 3 PM, and we could finally go home, but Nash and I both hadnt eaten lunch, he was late for a nap, and I was stressed out. I grabbed a Pepsi and drank it...putting me well over my sugar allotment for the day.

I was so mad at myself and stressed about work that instead of exercising, I sat there mad at myself...FOR NASH'S WHOLE NAPTIME! Gah.

Today, I did great at breakfast and was on track to have a great lunch when Nash asked for jack in the box (he never asks for food....) so i looked up taco nutrition facts and decided i could fit those in my meal plan today. I got a side salad as well. I ate about 6 of Nash's fries and my salad and could have been done. But i bought the tacos dang it and so I ate them.

Now, instead of working out, I want to puke my guts out. Too much fried stuff and my tummy is ANGRY.

Tell me this gets easier to navigate. Please?!

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Week 1

So I've been on this new diet and med schedule for 7 days now.

Thoughts on it.

At first I was afraid....i was petrified. HA! But seriously.

There is nothing worse than someone saying "lose weight" and not giving you any direction or help in that regard. Its way worse when its a doctor who is supposed to be helping you.

I have messed up hormones and i'm basically insulin resistant. If you want to know what insulin resistance is here is a link.

((The interesting thing about all of my conditions is that they all started or activated when I got married. How weird is that?!))

Anyways, doctors wont officially say i have insulin resistance, but they treat me like I do. And insulin resistance causes me to gain weight and have it be a complete BEAR to get rid of.

No one has ever really helped me with my diet and how it would work with my pre-existing conditions (PCOS, IR, and High Blood Pressure). I felt so lost and overwhelmed and I tend to panic. I can thank my anxiety for that.

This is my second endocrinologist that I have been to. She gave me some perimeters of where she wants my eating, wants me to exercise 3 days a week minimum, do intermittent fasting (not widely done, but has been tested on insulin resistant patients and seems to help), as well as taking my medication.

I just completed week one.

I'm on my period and i wanted all the chocolate and didnt want to move because of cramping. It was really hard at first because I felt like I couldnt eat anything. I all of the sudden was viewing food as an enemy....which isnt healthy. I took me until yesterday, but I think I'm finally starting to figure this out. I ate out at Applebees yesterday. I ate half of my meal (and was full!) and it still fit into all of my categories!! My carbs, my calories, my sugars, my fats! I realized that I still could have good food, even with a restrictive diet. I even got to eat my leftovers for lunch today!

My water intake probably hasnt been this high since I was pregnant either. I have been dehydrating myself for a long time.

And I'm down 3 pounds.

:) Hoping to keep it up!!

Monday, April 24, 2017

Dreaming of a porch

I've always loved the idea of a beautiful porch leading up to the entrance of my home.

I love the look of the double door entry as well--it looks so grand, and how beautiful to decorate for the holidays!

I've always wanted a swing and a sitting area, maybe pots filled with flowers if I could keep them alive.

But alas, we did not move into a home with this potential. It would take building the house out and over in order to create something like this...and that just isn't going to happen.

So I can dream. :)

Also, if we ever get to build that cabin at my ranch, I am DETERMINED that it have a wrap around porch around the whole thing.

And you better believe it will have a swing. :)

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Back to the grind

So, as many of you know, i have infertility issues.

Say whaaa? (right?) ::sarcasm::

Anyways, in the last year, my body and the flip flopped hormones and the insulin resistance that I now have, plus the awesome high blood pressure the last pregnancy has saddled me with HAVE TAKEN THEIR TOLL on my poor body.

I had been going to an endocrinologist for awhile in 2016, but he wasnt concerned with me. In fact he turfed me to his PA for all of my appointments except the first one. I wasnt a priority. And I needed help, and he didnt give it to me.

I stopped going to him. And then my prescription ran out.

Since I was off my medication that helped with the insulin problem...i've had major weight issues because of that. (my body doesnt process insulin anymore...so no matter how many calories I count or diets i go on--my body just holds on to that fat. freaking a man. so unfair)

EVENTUALLY (and sooner than later) I'd like to get pregnant again--(especially considering I have to have a hysterectomy at an early age thanks to the cancer gene I've inherited from my mom.)

I needed to see a new Endo. A neighbor gave me the info of her old doc who she loved.

I had my first appointment yesterday.

I cant say that I love her...but at least I have someone who can help look out for me and figure some stuff out.

So I'm back to the grind. Diet, exercise, medication, managing my stress (betrayal trauma is laughing at me) and hopefully getting more sleep.

Wish me luck.


Monday, April 17, 2017

The 3rd Bedroom.

Dun, Dun, DUUUUUUNNNNN!

So last October we repainted the inside of our home (with the exceptions of the bedrooms). Everything is open plan and so it honestly feels like one giant space. Before we moved in, we had painted Nash's room, and we were fine with the color of our room (its kinda like periwinkle). However, both hall baths, the 3rd bedroom, the living room, the hall, the kitchen, dining, and family room were all this pinkish brown paint.

I knew I didnt love it when we moved in, but as everyone kept telling me, it wasnt that bad and it was already done. So i lived with it for 2 years. Over the weekend of our anniversary, the plans we had to go out of town fell through, so we used those 2 days to completely dismantle our home and paint. Nash was half hating that we weren't paying attention to him, and half loving the freedom he had. Lol.

BEFORE::

Kitchen:


Living room:




Laundry Room:



Nash's bathroom:



Dining Room:


Family Room:





AFTER::
Kitchen/Dining:

Living Room:




Hall:


Laundry Room (Same color in Nash's bath):

I obviously was so tired and scatter brained that I didnt take pictures of every room. But you get the idea!! As I change things up more I'm sure I'll do more posts on the rooms!


I chose a great neutral color called burnished clay from behr that I picked up at Home Depot. Jace wasn't so sure about it, but by the time it dried we both fell in love. It completely brightened up our home (which it needed!! everything was so monochromatic and dark and a little depressing). I also picked out a bright and cheery blue for my laundry room and Nash's bathroom. When Jace saw the laundry room for the first time he said, "hey! i actually want to spend time in here!" Since we were "going for it", I took the time to paint our front and back door a beautiful Navy blue. The doors are weird, they have metal casings on the front and back of them that makes painting them tricky. I did 2-3 coats, and honestly they probably could use another. After doing all that in 2 days....we completely ran out of steam when it came to painting the 3rd bedroom.

I mean, it was a catch all room that we didn't spend any time in, so why bother with it, right?

Well after living with that for another 6 months....I was over it again. ha!!

We had Jace's family coming to our house for Easter, and I decided that was enough motivation to clean out the room, re-organize, and paint.

Jace was able to help some with the painting, but I did all the clearing out, organizing, and of course painting. That room has built in desks and every nook and cranny were painted in that pink brown. It was another 2 days of work, but WOW. what a difference!! I cant believe that we actually have a functioning room!! I can get to every single thing, all of Jace's guitars are up off the ground, my books have a home. I actually have kept that bedroom door open for the last 5 days, I just love looking at it!!

Someday, we will get carpet installed in it (since hopefully it will become another child's room), but until then, I am happy with the result! The closet is the only space in the whole house where that old paint color resides. Hooray!!



Monday, April 10, 2017

Customer Service

Is customer service dead?

My mom and I bought the proform hybrid trainer pro off their website a few weeks ago. Chris and Heidi Powell (trainers from extreme weight loss) endorse it. I read reviews of the bike/elliptical machine and I was sold! for less than $1000 i could have 2 work out machines!

Jace and I are trying to get alot healthier. In general, but I'm hoping to get pregnant and I need to be in better shape before that can happen.

I have a bad knee and this machine fit into the category that I needed it to!

We ordered. It finally came. My machine was BROKEN. and missing a part anyways. ::crying::

After talking online to the representative, he had me call to get a replacement. I called that number and they were closed. Then they are closed Saturdays and Sundays. I finally got through and she was sending me a new machine. I now was responsible for the old machine. ((i have to throw away their garbage for them, awesome))

My moms was broken as well, but it was cosmetic, and not worth the hassle of trying to get it repaired. Jace and I spent 2 hours putting hers together for her.

Our new machine finally came. Since Jace and I put together my moms, it went alot faster. However, still just over an hour. We plugged it in and....ITS BROKEN. Not lying. The machine is making a horrible clicking noise as soon as it has power and the pedals have major resistance.

I chatted online with a representative (they want you to start there first) and he said he couldnt help me. So i called the number from before. I had to wait for 20 minutes and then the guy made me put the batteries in my machine and hold the phone to it to prove that it was making noise. He put me on hold twice trying to figure it out.

My options were to disassemble it, try to repackage it, and send it in for a refund OR they would send a part and a tech to fix it whenever the part showed up. Thats it. Those were my two options.

I expressed my disappointment with the product, and the fact that 3 machines were bought and ALL were faulty. His response was "it is inconvenient, yes".

I worked in retail, and so I know that he has no real power, but where is the compassion? What happened to customers being right and wanting to make them happy? So, is customer service dead?


Tuesday, April 4, 2017

My home. and Dreams.

I've shared very little of my home in pictures.

When we moved in 2 years ago, less than 2 weeks in, I learned of Jace's pornography addiction. 
About a year later, he relapsed.

My hours got cut more than half at my job as a respite provider and money became tight as we tried to pay off debt.

Basically, the last 2 years I have been in what we call "Survival Mode" and tackling house projects and then taking pictures of them were PRETTY low on the list.



The house we moved into wasn't in desperate need of changing by any means. The woman we bought the house from had done some remodeling 10 or so years prior. However, it just wasn't ME.

The whole house was MUCH MUCH darker than I like. The walls in every single room with the exception of the "master" and nash's room were painted this pinkish brown. The whole house with the exception of 3 rooms is tiled in this brown tile with dark brown grout. The cabinets are maple with antiquing done on the insets :(, the hardware are all antique bronze (as well as every fixture--lights, fans, faucets, etc), the counters are a black/brown laminate, the appliances are all black, even the shades on the fans are brown tinted. 

I had this conversation on the blog last fall, about needing some color options, because ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH. I had been here living in this for almost 2 years and I wanted it to start feeling like me! 

When we moved in, we painted the old master (which was painted GREEN) before we moved in and we turned that into Nash's room. Loved it. Our bedroom that we made the master is a periwinkle...and honestly I don't dislike it enough to change it right now. But the rest of the house is wide open to one another and I was tired of the pink tones. So I picked out this great clay color and we painted the halls, the kitchen, the dining, the family room, and the living room. We then painted the laundry room and nash's bathroom a fun light blue color. I painted our front and back doors Navy blue. LOVE.

As we have lived here, things that the previous owner had bought for the home have started to crap out on us. So slowly we are replacing things. Like, we have a new hot water heater now, a new disposal, a new faucet in a bathroom, and a new dishwasher. The fridge is on the way out too, so we'll probably have to get a new one of those soon as well.

We also inherited ALOT of dying trees. They didn't know they weren't properly tending to them, but we had an arborist come out and all the trees had center rot and all the irrigation and fertilizer and loving care wasn't going to help them. So, so far we have taken out 1 grapefruit tree, 1 pitiful lemon tree, 1 tangerine tree, 1 mulberry tree, and 1 piece of crap whatever tree. We have 2 left--and orange and another mulberry. The orange will be coming down in the next couple weeks (should've happened after Christmas...oh well) and we still need to check on the other mulberry. Long term goal is to plant another good shade tree in the front and a lemon tree in the back eventually (we love the space we have gained in the backyard!)

We need a new roof. The previous owners really needed a new roof and never did anything about it. So that's on the list.

The bricks on the outside of our home are disintegrating from wear and sun. The mortar comes out if you touch it! That will need to be taken care of as well. The house has siding on it, but its YELLOW! Blech! We will get that replaced with white.

I plan on planting beautiful shrubs and roses along the front...once we get the brick figured out.

The inside will get a COMPLETE remodel. Flooring, counters, fixtures, etc. 
and EVENTUALLY we will do a large addition off the back--big photography studio for me, a powder room, a real master bedroom and bathroom, and underneath that a BASEMENT with a gameroom, storage, and possibly a guest bedroom and bathroom. 
(you know in 40 years when we can afford that!)

I have such big plans and goals for my home. I thought I'd post some inspiration pictures here. I can see it exactly how I want it in my head...and it will look awesome!

Kitchen:
Wood flooring
Navy bottom cabinets
White uppers
White quartz countertops
White subway tile backsplash
Nickle fixtures
Stainless Steel appliances


(a nice mid-tone laminate--with extra water protection as it will be in our kitchen)



(i would do nickel or chrome fixtures/hardware, not brass)


Master bedroom/bath:

(large square tub and shower combo in light calming colors)


(double vanity, square sinks, light calming colors with storage!)

If you've ever been in the Mesa Temple's baptistry, the floor in there is the color inspiration for my future master bath. Small check mosaic tiles in sea green, blue, white...i couldnt find exactly what I was searching for online, but i'll know it when I see it!



Master Closet:
In our current "master" there isnt a lot of extra space and minimal closet space. By building out a wall we can do a simple walk in closet. I cant wait!! (These pictures are of a closet that will be bigger than what we will be able to do.)



Living Room:
New carpet
Built-ins

(gray soft/cozy carpet)


(these built ins are amazing! I watched when the blogger DIY'ed most of these herself (with her dad!) I would have plenty of storage for extra things underneath, as well as plenty of book space above!! I have a HUGE wall this would go on in my living room!!)



Friday, March 31, 2017

Loving each other

We've been having some things going on in our family. Its still difficult to put into words as we are in the midst of it still--I'm sure I will share later.

But its caused Jace and I to be a bit more affectionate to one another.

Nash has noticed.

Tonight when Jace hugged and kissed me before he left to work (it was a decent kiss--not just a peck like normal), Nash said, "OH!!!!!! They are loving each other!!" in this sing-song-y voice.

Jace and I started cracking up immediately.

It was adorable.

The end.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Nash is 3!

I dont know how it happened.

But another year has come and gone and my baby is older.

I sat tonight and told him the story of a girl who wanted to be a mommy. And her wish finally came true. And the best part? He was the happy ending to that story!

I am feeling so many feelings. Ive been pretty bogged down with life stuff and the lead up to Nash's birthday and it will be...lets say minimal. I'm not doing a theme or a big party or anything like that. We are having family over for cake and presents and during the day we will be taking Nash to do some of his favorite things. We'll get barros pizza for lunch (his favorite), go to the splash pad/play in the water/play on the playground, and maybe go to the library and get more books. I'm sure there will be Rescue Bots, or Curious George watched at some point, and maybe watching daddy mow the lawn.

I made our annual birthday signs...some the same every year, with new funny ones relating to jokes or favorite shows over the last year. This year is a mish mash. :) Mario Cart, Star Wars, Phineas and Ferb, Moana, etc.

This sweet boy is a constant joy. He really is. He has his moments for sure--and he definitely doesnt give me any space or time to myself which can be hard and annoying at times. But my goodness. This little PERSON. This sweet spirit was sent to me from my Heavenly Father. I longed for the day when someone would call me momma and want to be around me all the time. I begged and pleaded for that day to come. I will never ever take for granted the huge blessing and wonderful miracle that Nash is in my life.

There were times over the last couple of years that I didnt know how I was going to make it...and Nash was the answer. He was the driving force in me to keep pushing on. To keep trying harder. Nash is mimicking all the time now (copying like no ones business--and his imitation of me laughing is FAR from flattering) and all I can think of is, "what is he going to say out and about? have i set a good example? will he be kind and caring, compassionate, and understanding? will he have a testimony of Christ that he would share with the world? will he be true to who he is and be open and honest?" I think these things everyday.

I have such a love for him. I really cant express it. He is my light and my joy and my everything. How glad I am that he is mine.

**a few things of note:

at age 3::

Nash copies EVERYTHING. Movies, songs, people. He picks his favorite word or phrase and will keep saying it over and over.

Nash will stay on repeat of the same statement or question until someone acknowledges him. Its highly annoying when his dad is home because Jace can tune him out completely.

Nash loves to play chase with his Papa (my dad) and Jace. He doesnt get to see them as much and he knows that this game will ensure all their attention on him.

Nash loves my dad. He loves my parents house. He constantly asks to go to "grammas house" and see "papas van" and "bebe".

Sleeps with "blanket" and "mr. peddypaws/gnocchi/Figuero" It changes depending on what shows he watches. lol (rescue bots/curious george/mickey mouse)

He loves to watch Tom and Jerry, Mickey Mouse, Thomas the Train, Rescue Bots, Little Eisensteins, An Extremely Goofy Movie, Phineas and Ferb, and Curious George on rotation.

He saw his first movie theater movie Moana and LOVES having it here at home. We've watched it at least 10 times in 11 days. His favorite songs are the voyagers song, your welcome, and shiney. We have the soundtrack in the car and have to listen to shiny at least twice every drive.

He wants to help with things. His new skill is helping to crack the eggs for his breakfast! He also likes to help sweep...even if he doesnt have the coordination for that yet. He also will help carry in groceries and when we are done with the cart, with mommas help he puts it back. He can throw stuff away if I ask him to (and hes only thrown 1 bowl in the garbage!) He has learned to wash his hands by himself...its not entirely clean, so I come in and help him finish, but he can do it!

We have started going potty on the toilet. We are not toilet training yet, but I feel that will come in the not too distant future. He likes to get stickers and how excited we get when he goes. In fact, he'll come in when i go to the bathroom and say "you did it momma!" ha!

Had our first real talk about private parts and why momma's are different than Nashs. (Showers dont happen for momma during the day unless Nash comes in with me.)

He is tall and skinny. He is officially too tall for the ergo backpack (i tried! and failed)

He still adores outside time. Its now in the 90s so swimming isnt too far off. He is signed up for legit swim lessons this summer with the woman who taught ME!

He is a great sport when I have to work. He knows when i drop him off at my parents that I'm working. He looks at me and says "you taking pictures momma?" and when I say yes, he says "okay do good!"

He worries about others. If someone coughs, he asks if they are okay. If they sneeze, he says bless you. My brother Randy will seize and Nash asks if he is okay and apologizes that randy is hurt.

He is so sensitive. I hope he never loses that.

and he loves. He loves everyone. He makes new friends (young and old) where ever we go.

His smile lights up a room. His laugh is contagious. His spirit shines so bright.

These last 3 years have been so amazing. I cant remember what my life looked like without Nash in it. I sure am grateful to be his mother. Happy Birthday my sweet little man!!







Here are some from his 3 year photo shoot....its getting much harder to keep him still! lol





Sunday, March 12, 2017

Taxes

This word...taxes...brings such a response from my mind and body.

Panic. Anxiety. Frustration. Fear. Worry. Confusion.

Jace never helps me with the taxes. He would have NO idea what to do. So its all on my shoulders and that is so stressful! I am constantly feared with worry that I've left something out, figured the numbers wrong, and that somehow the government is going to fine me some substantial amount and take my home.

Seems a little silly right? Thats what anxiety does to me. I take one thing that isnt such a big deal, but over time, my worry makes it into something BIG.

My tax appointment is Tuesday. I have done NOTHING to prepare for that appointment yet. We've been sick at our house for weeks, Nash hasnt been sleeping, I've had events to do and lots of photoshoots and editing to worry about. Not to mention my brother being in the hospital and my lack of motivation.

I'm especially concerned because this is the first year that I'm needing to file for my business. Last year taxes (2015) I didnt make nearly enough to worry. 2016 was a different story. New things, the unknown=ANXIETY!!!

I'm sure it'll be fine. I always double and triple check for my taxes, but I'm basically going to be a hermit for the next day or two while I prepare these things. Wish me luck!!!

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Life Lately and Random Thoughts

My brother Randy is in the ICU again with pneumonia and RSV.



I swear this has been one of the worst seasons for illness'. Nash just got over a 2 week horrible cough only to get what seems to be a cold. Jace had a cold that went into a sinus infection, i got a cold, joe and dad and jeff's whole family has been sick too. I have had 8 past newborn clients with babies who have RSV.

We just need it to go away!! Hopefully Randy will be out of the hospital and home soon. Poor bud. He has been so sick, for so long recently.

Its been rainy and cold, which hormonal hot Andrea loves, but her poor sick family has not loved so much. Nash hasnt gotten to be outside very much in the last 3 weeks. Every time I let him outside he started running or jumping and it started his horrible cough that he couldnt stop. So I basically have a bit of cabin fever going on.

We had friends over for the first time last week for dinner and games. They have 5 kids! and I gotta admit, it was a bit stressful at first. :) But fun. Shoot. I even won all 3 games and that has never happened in my entire life.



Jace has some health issues. His triglycerides are like quadruple the normal level, he has high cholesterol, and who knows what else. We are changing diets and thought processes over at our house. I hope he can get on board, because his life literally depends on it.

My blood pressure has been up and down (literally, like dwight schrute i can feel my blood pressure rising and falling ((he just commands it)) ).



My primary doctor put me back on medication before the holidays and I finally got to see my cardiologist today. The EKG looks great, we are going to do another ECHO but he doesnt think anything is wrong with my heart. Just like some women who develop gestational diabetes during pregnancy and then type 2 diabetes, women who have preeclampsia sometimes develop high blood pressure for life. It isnt fair, but mine is easily controlled with a small dose of medication, so my doctor is considering it a win. 

Also, his computer looked like this: "patient is obese"

and then I wanted to run out of the office crying and felt this overwhelming cloud of shame fly over me. I finally found an endocrinologist that i think will be able to help me get my hormones and insulin levels stablized. My last doctor wasnt helpful and wouldnt even see me (i saw his PA). The hardest part about this weight gain is THAT IT IS NOT MY DIET! I actually eat pretty healthy. I am pretty active as well. I eat small portions. But thanks to the flip flop of my insulin levels, no matter what I do without proper medication and a specialized diet I will not lose weight. But doctors dont know that. They just see the number, the BMI, and tell you to lose weight and sometimes make you feel really crummy. (My cardiologist didnt make me feel awful by any means, hes a sweet guy--but he still looked at the number and said LOSE WEIGHT.)



It was 3 years ago this week that I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia. So weird.

I have a Relief Society night coming up next week that I'm in charge of decorating for. I'm a little stressed.

I have multiple newborn shoots this week. also stressful.

I accidently skipped my annual womens exam last year so i have that this week too.

Our tax appointment is the 14th and I've done NOTHING to prepare yet. Its always me too, Jace has no idea what would be needed or what to do. I take care of it. Stress!!



And my baby turns 3 in just 17 days. And I want to cry lots and lots of tears.



The end.