After the devastation that was March 2020, Covid-19 put a HALT on everything non-emergency related. No dental procedures, no elective surgeries, no fertility treatments.
I got a call in May, stating that as the state opened back up, we could start proceeding with IVF. It was so nerve wrecking to decide to move forward in this way. Its A LOT of money with no guaranteed outcome. But over the last 2+ years we have spent that much and probably more altogether...so we decided to go for it.
We have prayed and fasted to know what to do for years now. We have felt like failures because we've never received inspiration from Heavenly Father helping guide us in one direction or another. However, we have felt pretty strongly about 2 things. #1. We have more kids waiting for us. and #2. its not time for adoption yet. Well, that doesn't leave too many options for us, so we went forward and scheduled IVF treatments.
Thanks to Covid19 everything is definitely different. I am the only person allowed at the office (unless Jace had to go do his part). You text when you are there and wait in your car to be called into the office. You are required to wear a mask, get your temperature taken, and answer a few questions before you go in to get checked.
I'm dealing with a whole new set of nurses-- my favorite nurse was furloughed because of Covid19 :(
I have an IVF coordinator--I call her often to ask questions.
I went on a very intense medication cycle and had to do blood work and ultrasounds EVERYDAY after day 6. I started the whole process June 1st. On June 13th I went in for my Egg Retrieval. Surgery was different too. I was whisked away and was alone during prep (except for my cute nurse Judy) and had to wear a mask until I was up on the operating table. I woke up and had to get dressed and everything by myself and was wheeled out to the car where I finally saw Jace again. My nurse realized that my birthday was in 2 days. I said this is my birthday present. I want babies for my birthday!
We were told that they were able to take 36 EGGS during retrieval! That is amazing.
The next day they called and said they were able to fertilize 20 of those eggs.
Then came the waiting. 7 LONG DAYS OF WAITING to hear about our embryos. We have prayed and fasted for those babies. I have had many conversations with Nash about what fertilization is and what an embryo is. My 6 year old knows more about the science of reproduction than I did in high school, I swear.
Anyways....
I just got the call.
ELEVEN EMBRYOS. 11!
We are going to have the opportunity to have more babies and we are beyond thrilled. I am going to be crying once it finally hits. Our babies. Our "Em-babies". So excited.
Showing posts with label Adulting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adulting. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 14, 2020
Friday, June 5, 2020
Covid19
I've been thinking about, processing, dealing with, etc for now 12 weeks about the novel coronavirus--covid19.
TWELVE WEEKS. 3 months.
That is how long I've had Nash home 24/7. That is how long we have been in "quarantine".
My mother keeps saying that I need "to write it all down. my kids and grandkids will want to know." but honestly, its felt so very overwhelming I didnt know where to start. And honestly, I still dont. There is so much that wont be said...mostly because its been so much that I cant remember it all.
A short breakdown: A horrible virus "escaped" from a lab in Wuhan China. Chinese officials lied about how many got sick and how many were dying. The WHO also didnt report real numbers. This virus attacks the respiratory system and especially in those with weakened immune systems, or those who have pre-existing conditions. However, it doesnt care who it infects. The elderly, men, women, children....healthy, pre-existing conditions, what have you. So many thousands have died. It has affected so many different nations.
The world as a whole was on lockdown trying to slow the spread of this virus.
Our president shut down our borders, no one in or out.
We were asked to stay in our homes and quarantine. Businesses were shut down, doors locked. Unless you were essential...thankfully Jace works for the bank...which was essential. We were not left without income. However, my photography business was shuttered for 2 months. I'm just barely getting it back up and running. Jace was now working from home...to make sure we werent being exposed.
We have my parents and randy especially who would not survive if he contracted this. We have been very careful.
I had a sinus infection and needed to get antibiotics from my doctor at the start of all this. I was asked to wear a mask (we all were later on), wait in my car while they prepared a special room for me, I was taken in a back door to avoid everyone else ::in case:: my symptoms were that of covid. They werent....it was a sinus infection.
You were/are still supposed to be shopping once a week. One person in a mask, once a week to limit exposure. People freaked out and bought everything. It was hard to find food and supplies for almost 2 months. Now we know why our church leaders have been telling us to have a supply of food on hand...a year is best, but at minimum a 3 month supply. I was doing the shopping for my family and my parents so they didnt have exposure. Milk was limited to 1 gallon a person (if you could find it). The stores 3 months later are just starting to have bleach and toilet paper on their shelves. They still arent stocked but they are starting to be signs of things coming back. Cleaning supplies, hand sanitizer, frozen foods, meat, bread, milk, eggs, and ANY paper goods--plates, TP, paper towels, etc, FLOUR, sugar, salt, rice....all of that has been GONE. I have been lucky and found some TP here and there....finally found some flour at costco and some rice at Frys. Everything has been piece meal. It has been truly crazy.
Through the craziness of the food shortage...I never felt panic though. We had enough. We would be okay. And we have been. Its all about having Faith over Fear. I have trusted in my Heavenly Father and we have been blessed.
I have been doing my best to reach out and minister to our families. I have been baking bread and sharing it.
We planted a garden with our tax return this year. It happened right after quarantine. We have been wanting to and this got our butts in gear. We have already harvested some radishes. We have a head of lettuce growing, a couple of carrots, radishes, some sweet peas, some broccoli, some bell pepper plants (with one pepper), a cherry tomato plant, and some watermelon. It has been trial and error and I think i've finally figured it out. We installed a drip system and its nice to not have to go out and water twice a day. Nash planted some flowers from seeds and they are starting to bloom. He is over the moon.
School was cancelled immediately. I became a homeschool mom with someone elses curriculum. The school adjusted as best as possible with online learning. It was trippy. We would go get lunch a couple days a week at the school, even though we couldnt get out of the car or see anyone really, it was a chance to get out of the house. I cried one of the times I got to go get some groceries for pick up. I miss having anytime of quiet now.
My anxiety has been up and down and up and down. Through all of this though, I have been honest with Nash in the simplest way without adding fear. He understands that he cant see his friends, or go to school, go to church, play coach pitch, go to his singing class, or even hang out at his grandparents, because we want to keep everyone as safe as possible. He knows that this virus is killing people. He knows that momma and daddy want him safe and healthy.
All of our temples and church houses were closed. What a weird and scary time. We had General Conference at home broadcasted as usual, but the only people allowed during conference were those speaking. The music was pre-recorded. The brethren were sitting 6 feet apart in social distancing standards. President Nelson announced a new symbol for our church. And new temples. And his love and faith that everything will be okay. We also got to participate in a Hosanna Shout. Nash's first. And we were invited to participate in a WORLD WIDE fast. <3 nbsp="" p="">
We have been able to have Sacrament meeting in our home and that has been special. I hope Nash always remembers that. All missionaries were sent back to their home countries. Some are finally getting reassigned within their home countries.
My business was able to officially open March 18th with new policies due to covid19.
Some businesses arent open yet in the country. Everyone is having to open in phases.
Schools for Arizona announced yesterday that they will reopen in the fall, but there will be major changes. We are supposed to hear what that means in June. I am nervous.
Nash asked when we will get back to normal. I told him that we will never go back to what was his normal. Things will be new. We will deal with and adapt as best as we can.
My fertility doctor called and since Arizona is opening things up, we can resume with our IVF plans. Its happening and its scary and we are in a scary time, but I'm not waiting. Faith over Fear. Its been our motto and will continue to be so.
TWELVE WEEKS. 3 months.
That is how long I've had Nash home 24/7. That is how long we have been in "quarantine".
My mother keeps saying that I need "to write it all down. my kids and grandkids will want to know." but honestly, its felt so very overwhelming I didnt know where to start. And honestly, I still dont. There is so much that wont be said...mostly because its been so much that I cant remember it all.
A short breakdown: A horrible virus "escaped" from a lab in Wuhan China. Chinese officials lied about how many got sick and how many were dying. The WHO also didnt report real numbers. This virus attacks the respiratory system and especially in those with weakened immune systems, or those who have pre-existing conditions. However, it doesnt care who it infects. The elderly, men, women, children....healthy, pre-existing conditions, what have you. So many thousands have died. It has affected so many different nations.
The world as a whole was on lockdown trying to slow the spread of this virus.
Our president shut down our borders, no one in or out.
We were asked to stay in our homes and quarantine. Businesses were shut down, doors locked. Unless you were essential...thankfully Jace works for the bank...which was essential. We were not left without income. However, my photography business was shuttered for 2 months. I'm just barely getting it back up and running. Jace was now working from home...to make sure we werent being exposed.
We have my parents and randy especially who would not survive if he contracted this. We have been very careful.
I had a sinus infection and needed to get antibiotics from my doctor at the start of all this. I was asked to wear a mask (we all were later on), wait in my car while they prepared a special room for me, I was taken in a back door to avoid everyone else ::in case:: my symptoms were that of covid. They werent....it was a sinus infection.
You were/are still supposed to be shopping once a week. One person in a mask, once a week to limit exposure. People freaked out and bought everything. It was hard to find food and supplies for almost 2 months. Now we know why our church leaders have been telling us to have a supply of food on hand...a year is best, but at minimum a 3 month supply. I was doing the shopping for my family and my parents so they didnt have exposure. Milk was limited to 1 gallon a person (if you could find it). The stores 3 months later are just starting to have bleach and toilet paper on their shelves. They still arent stocked but they are starting to be signs of things coming back. Cleaning supplies, hand sanitizer, frozen foods, meat, bread, milk, eggs, and ANY paper goods--plates, TP, paper towels, etc, FLOUR, sugar, salt, rice....all of that has been GONE. I have been lucky and found some TP here and there....finally found some flour at costco and some rice at Frys. Everything has been piece meal. It has been truly crazy.
Through the craziness of the food shortage...I never felt panic though. We had enough. We would be okay. And we have been. Its all about having Faith over Fear. I have trusted in my Heavenly Father and we have been blessed.
I have been doing my best to reach out and minister to our families. I have been baking bread and sharing it.
We planted a garden with our tax return this year. It happened right after quarantine. We have been wanting to and this got our butts in gear. We have already harvested some radishes. We have a head of lettuce growing, a couple of carrots, radishes, some sweet peas, some broccoli, some bell pepper plants (with one pepper), a cherry tomato plant, and some watermelon. It has been trial and error and I think i've finally figured it out. We installed a drip system and its nice to not have to go out and water twice a day. Nash planted some flowers from seeds and they are starting to bloom. He is over the moon.
(planted March 31st 2020)
(planted March 31st 2020)
School was cancelled immediately. I became a homeschool mom with someone elses curriculum. The school adjusted as best as possible with online learning. It was trippy. We would go get lunch a couple days a week at the school, even though we couldnt get out of the car or see anyone really, it was a chance to get out of the house. I cried one of the times I got to go get some groceries for pick up. I miss having anytime of quiet now.
(our homeschool set up)
My anxiety has been up and down and up and down. Through all of this though, I have been honest with Nash in the simplest way without adding fear. He understands that he cant see his friends, or go to school, go to church, play coach pitch, go to his singing class, or even hang out at his grandparents, because we want to keep everyone as safe as possible. He knows that this virus is killing people. He knows that momma and daddy want him safe and healthy.
All of our temples and church houses were closed. What a weird and scary time. We had General Conference at home broadcasted as usual, but the only people allowed during conference were those speaking. The music was pre-recorded. The brethren were sitting 6 feet apart in social distancing standards. President Nelson announced a new symbol for our church. And new temples. And his love and faith that everything will be okay. We also got to participate in a Hosanna Shout. Nash's first. And we were invited to participate in a WORLD WIDE fast. <3 nbsp="" p="">
We have been able to have Sacrament meeting in our home and that has been special. I hope Nash always remembers that. All missionaries were sent back to their home countries. Some are finally getting reassigned within their home countries.
My business was able to officially open March 18th with new policies due to covid19.
Some businesses arent open yet in the country. Everyone is having to open in phases.
Schools for Arizona announced yesterday that they will reopen in the fall, but there will be major changes. We are supposed to hear what that means in June. I am nervous.
Nash asked when we will get back to normal. I told him that we will never go back to what was his normal. Things will be new. We will deal with and adapt as best as we can.
My fertility doctor called and since Arizona is opening things up, we can resume with our IVF plans. Its happening and its scary and we are in a scary time, but I'm not waiting. Faith over Fear. Its been our motto and will continue to be so.
Thursday, June 13, 2019
Our Journey Part Dos....part 2 ha.
We waited for the bloodwork to reveal....we were not pregnant. The IUI failed.
ugh.
So we rounded up more money, and moved forward with another cycle.
And shots, and shots, and more shots, and hormones, and crazy things in life that happened, and so on.
Only to discover that my follicles didnt stimulate...like...at all.
ALL OF THAT MONEY AND TIME "WASTED"!
I dont remember if I shared this before or not, but EVERYTHING is out of pocket...and my hormone shots are not cheap. I felt like I had just thrown thousands of dollars into a fire and watched it burn.
Needless to say, I fell into a well of depression. I managed my life...but bare minimum. I did what I needed to for Nash, and for me to feel like I deserved HIM. But my house cleaning was neglected, I all but stopped cooking dinner for my family because I just couldnt find the energy. I stopped exercising. I had so many emotional break downs it was ridiculous. I found myself so angry. At myself and my body mostly. I was SO confused. The Lord had given us every indicator that this was the time to move forward, that it should have worked out. And it keeps NOT working out. Am I missing something? Did I not understand Him? Why wont He give me a clear answer? Have I done something wrong?
I have never been angry with God. I've never blamed Him. Still havent. I just dont understand. And I cant seem to figure out how to just keep moving forward without my heart just shattering over and over.
Nash prays for his brother to be here soon. We keep trying to explain that I'm not pregnant, but he doesnt understand. And why would he? WE barely understand.
I go off my meds again....start a period....and that is when I'd normally start all over. But I've decided to wait a little bit to talk to my doctor in person again and see what the freaking crap to do about this.
ugh.
So we rounded up more money, and moved forward with another cycle.
And shots, and shots, and more shots, and hormones, and crazy things in life that happened, and so on.
Only to discover that my follicles didnt stimulate...like...at all.
ALL OF THAT MONEY AND TIME "WASTED"!
I dont remember if I shared this before or not, but EVERYTHING is out of pocket...and my hormone shots are not cheap. I felt like I had just thrown thousands of dollars into a fire and watched it burn.
Needless to say, I fell into a well of depression. I managed my life...but bare minimum. I did what I needed to for Nash, and for me to feel like I deserved HIM. But my house cleaning was neglected, I all but stopped cooking dinner for my family because I just couldnt find the energy. I stopped exercising. I had so many emotional break downs it was ridiculous. I found myself so angry. At myself and my body mostly. I was SO confused. The Lord had given us every indicator that this was the time to move forward, that it should have worked out. And it keeps NOT working out. Am I missing something? Did I not understand Him? Why wont He give me a clear answer? Have I done something wrong?
I have never been angry with God. I've never blamed Him. Still havent. I just dont understand. And I cant seem to figure out how to just keep moving forward without my heart just shattering over and over.
Nash prays for his brother to be here soon. We keep trying to explain that I'm not pregnant, but he doesnt understand. And why would he? WE barely understand.
I go off my meds again....start a period....and that is when I'd normally start all over. But I've decided to wait a little bit to talk to my doctor in person again and see what the freaking crap to do about this.
Wednesday, March 6, 2019
Goings on
Its MARCH!
Yay! and also how?
I thought i'd give an update here on our life ATM (at the moment). I was doing my first treatment after surgery and my ovaries OVER-reacted (get it? ha. i gotta find the humor or I'd just cry--which dont get me wrong, I totally did). I ended up with 11 or 12 follicles measuring at a 10 or higher. Which could mean that when we triggered ovulation I could get pregnant with many many babies. My doctor ran the percentages and deemed it unsafe for me so he canceled that cycle. That was a serious blow.
I have been in serious "get all this crap out of my life. it is junking it up, making me feel claustrophobic, and in my way". This happens about twice a year and I seem to be right on schedule. March and October. When I had nash and when i announced his presence to the world. Coincidence? So I've been purging. I'm sure I can do more too. Right now I'm working on the garage and getting anything baby related out and checked (its been 5 years, i mean....) Plus the 3rd bedroom we have is supposed to be a baby's room...so I'm getting that space figured. If you build it, they will come maybe?
My cousin Julie is pregnant with twins (courtesy of my fertility doctor). They are her 4th and 5th from him. She has all girls and one of the twins is a boy. So i'm going to go through all of nash's baby clothes and donate some to her. So now I've pulled them all out of the garage and it seems like a seriously daunting task. I'm going to convince my mom to help me.
Nash's 5th birthday is this month! I cant believe he is FIVE. Wow. My little guy isnt so little anymore. He asked me the other day to help teach him to be a grown up. ::ugly crying:: please never leave me. Ha.
He gets to have his first ever friend party. He chose the theme...MARIO! (But Luigi is his favorite for some unknown reason). I'm working on getting it figured out....
I have Taxes coming up and I stress the crap out because I'm the one who puts them together and I have to do it for my business too. Yeesh.
I found out a few days ago that my best friend Troy's dad passed away very unexpectedly. He went to bed and never woke up. That has been hard. The funeral is tomorrow.
That is pretty much us right now. Fertility, Nash, Cleaning, etc.
Yay! and also how?
I thought i'd give an update here on our life ATM (at the moment). I was doing my first treatment after surgery and my ovaries OVER-reacted (get it? ha. i gotta find the humor or I'd just cry--which dont get me wrong, I totally did). I ended up with 11 or 12 follicles measuring at a 10 or higher. Which could mean that when we triggered ovulation I could get pregnant with many many babies. My doctor ran the percentages and deemed it unsafe for me so he canceled that cycle. That was a serious blow.
I have been in serious "get all this crap out of my life. it is junking it up, making me feel claustrophobic, and in my way". This happens about twice a year and I seem to be right on schedule. March and October. When I had nash and when i announced his presence to the world. Coincidence? So I've been purging. I'm sure I can do more too. Right now I'm working on the garage and getting anything baby related out and checked (its been 5 years, i mean....) Plus the 3rd bedroom we have is supposed to be a baby's room...so I'm getting that space figured. If you build it, they will come maybe?
My cousin Julie is pregnant with twins (courtesy of my fertility doctor). They are her 4th and 5th from him. She has all girls and one of the twins is a boy. So i'm going to go through all of nash's baby clothes and donate some to her. So now I've pulled them all out of the garage and it seems like a seriously daunting task. I'm going to convince my mom to help me.
Nash's 5th birthday is this month! I cant believe he is FIVE. Wow. My little guy isnt so little anymore. He asked me the other day to help teach him to be a grown up. ::ugly crying:: please never leave me. Ha.
He gets to have his first ever friend party. He chose the theme...MARIO! (But Luigi is his favorite for some unknown reason). I'm working on getting it figured out....
I have Taxes coming up and I stress the crap out because I'm the one who puts them together and I have to do it for my business too. Yeesh.
I found out a few days ago that my best friend Troy's dad passed away very unexpectedly. He went to bed and never woke up. That has been hard. The funeral is tomorrow.
That is pretty much us right now. Fertility, Nash, Cleaning, etc.
Wednesday, November 7, 2018
Procrastinating
I'm procrastinating. Sad to say thats the only reason I'm writing here right now. Journaling has been hard for me this year. We have had lots of hard things we've been going through and putting my thoughts down into a coherent form seemed impossible.
I'm in the THICK of work right now. For the last 2 weeks I have had clients almost every day or have been doing hair or have been helping my mom. I wake up early (not too horribly early, but Jace's alarm gets me up at 5 am and I go back to sleep till about 7 am--thank goodness daylight savings time has ended--jace works in the texas market so he was on texas time. i now get to sleep till 6!) I get up and get Nash going and immediately go to get randy up and out. Then I go home and either have clients (newborns) or I work on editing/housework. I get Nash and then we spend some time together (not enough and BOY the guilt, oh the guilt), i feed him, I try and get dinner planned or going, I do chores, or grocery shopping, etc.
Then I edit while he "naps" (rest time is more like it). Jace comes home and most days now i leave to photograph families, and he plays with Nash and I come home and make dinner and then force feed my child. Bathe him. Read to him. Finally get him in bed. Then i edit. During this time Jace is either working, at a SA recovery meeting, or doing Elder's quorum stuff. Then Jace goes to bed "early" and I stay up till 1-2 am editing.
I'm so tired right now. I know that it will not be this way for too much longer (about 4-5 more weeks of crazy) but its also the holidays. We are doing Thanksgiving with my parents alone for the first time in ever. So i'm in charge of half of the food. Intimidating. During December, i need to decorate, give neighbor gifts, take/make/send christmas cards, wrap presents, and be ready to go basically by the 1st of the month. I have clients during that month, plus the editing, plus the getting ready for Christmas, we throw a christmas party every year too so i've got that to plan, AND we are going out of town to California 4 days before Christmas for 3 days. Oh man, oh my!
I have anxiety as well, and so I'm trying really hard to balance everything as best as I can. We'll see how it goes! lol
I'm in the THICK of work right now. For the last 2 weeks I have had clients almost every day or have been doing hair or have been helping my mom. I wake up early (not too horribly early, but Jace's alarm gets me up at 5 am and I go back to sleep till about 7 am--thank goodness daylight savings time has ended--jace works in the texas market so he was on texas time. i now get to sleep till 6!) I get up and get Nash going and immediately go to get randy up and out. Then I go home and either have clients (newborns) or I work on editing/housework. I get Nash and then we spend some time together (not enough and BOY the guilt, oh the guilt), i feed him, I try and get dinner planned or going, I do chores, or grocery shopping, etc.
Then I edit while he "naps" (rest time is more like it). Jace comes home and most days now i leave to photograph families, and he plays with Nash and I come home and make dinner and then force feed my child. Bathe him. Read to him. Finally get him in bed. Then i edit. During this time Jace is either working, at a SA recovery meeting, or doing Elder's quorum stuff. Then Jace goes to bed "early" and I stay up till 1-2 am editing.
I'm so tired right now. I know that it will not be this way for too much longer (about 4-5 more weeks of crazy) but its also the holidays. We are doing Thanksgiving with my parents alone for the first time in ever. So i'm in charge of half of the food. Intimidating. During December, i need to decorate, give neighbor gifts, take/make/send christmas cards, wrap presents, and be ready to go basically by the 1st of the month. I have clients during that month, plus the editing, plus the getting ready for Christmas, we throw a christmas party every year too so i've got that to plan, AND we are going out of town to California 4 days before Christmas for 3 days. Oh man, oh my!
I have anxiety as well, and so I'm trying really hard to balance everything as best as I can. We'll see how it goes! lol
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
Fummer 2017
Nash is growing up by the day. The day, people! Lol
Last year I made a list of like 10 things we were going to do/wanting to do for the summer. He had no idea what that was, so it was mostly for me.
This year he understands quite a bit more.
So I created our "Fummer" (Fun/summer) list for 2017.
Initially I just did our "big ticket items" on the printed out list...
then I printed a second copy and started writing in the available spaces.
What I'm super excited about it that I'm working really hard to accomplish all of these by September (End of "summer" for most people...)
And so far we've done 5, and are halfway through another 4.
((edited to add: by the end of September we accomplished everything on that list except the secret project and teaching nash to ride his bike. Plus we had a whole slew of other things we did and accomplished as well))
((edited to add: by the end of September we accomplished everything on that list except the secret project and teaching nash to ride his bike. Plus we had a whole slew of other things we did and accomplished as well))
Thats huge for me. I never ever want my kids summer to be so packed FULL of things that I want them to do, or that we HAVE to do, that they dont have lazy days--or we always feel stressed-- or i feel guilty if we didnt do something. My kids might never be in summer classes (other than swim lessons) and I've decided that I'm 100% okay with that.
You only get to be a kid once, and I think that as grown ups/parents we are so busy trying to make them have happy memories that we cause more issues than creating wonderful moments. I see so many people stressing out because all 4 of their kids have something going at the same time, and they need to pack for the vacation they are leaving on tomorrow, and they feel like they need to do 1000 crafts with their kids but also want their house semi cleaned, and then they feel overwhelmed and stressed....
I dont think it worth that. As someone who struggles with anxiety, I already put a crap ton of pressure on myself and feel guilt and overwhelmed doing little things; like going to swim lessons at the same time everyday for a month and going to the library 2 times a month. I cant overload with some unnecessary things just because its summer and I need my kids to be involved and active in everything, everyday or because I allow myself to compare myself to other moms who seem to be doing it all and with great ease. I just cant.
Just my 2 cents.
So, I'm excited for our Fummer of 2017, as relaxed as it may be :)
Tuesday, April 3, 2018
Still alive over here
Well...happy new year, happy valentines day, happy st. patricks day, happy birthday to Nash, happy conference, and happy Easter! LOL
Thats all gone down since I wrote last...AT CHRISTMAS. Goodness me.
I still have those blog posts in draft. FYI.
We have been in the thick of life over here. I'm still posting some on my Instagram and Facebook, but I've cut WAY WAY WAY back on that too.
I'm struggling to find balance in my life. Balance in my home life, balance with technology, balance as a working mom. Nash will be starting pre-school this year and while I'm doing cartwheels (figuratively, because...DIZZY) somedays, other days I want to bawl my eyes out at how fast he is growing up.
He asked me yesterday why I get sad that he is growing up. The fact that he asked that question was actually the answer! How? How did this happen so fast?
Work is good--again, the balance thing.
Jace has taken on a second job M-S! :( Our goal is to pay down our credit card debt ASAP. My brother and his wife bought us tickets to Dave Ramsey's Smart Money Tour last year and while we arent 100% insanely on board....we pretty much have been converted and have been working hard to change our present, so our future is 100% OURS to decide on. And the future of our son is that he will see how hard we worked to get out of debt and STAY out of debt and the goal is to pass that on to him.
We have had our fair share of sickness since Christmas too. Mostly me. Dang crappy immune system.
And I'm still at a loss over our continued infertility. I feel so alone and sad most of the time. I have no one to talk to and everytime I come on here thinking I might say what I'm feeling, I get all in my head about what people will say. So then I dont, and I continue feeling sad and alone.
Good times.
Anyways, just wanted to say we are still here....still alive....just living and working and growing old. :)
Thats all gone down since I wrote last...AT CHRISTMAS. Goodness me.
I still have those blog posts in draft. FYI.
We have been in the thick of life over here. I'm still posting some on my Instagram and Facebook, but I've cut WAY WAY WAY back on that too.
I'm struggling to find balance in my life. Balance in my home life, balance with technology, balance as a working mom. Nash will be starting pre-school this year and while I'm doing cartwheels (figuratively, because...DIZZY) somedays, other days I want to bawl my eyes out at how fast he is growing up.
He asked me yesterday why I get sad that he is growing up. The fact that he asked that question was actually the answer! How? How did this happen so fast?
Work is good--again, the balance thing.
Jace has taken on a second job M-S! :( Our goal is to pay down our credit card debt ASAP. My brother and his wife bought us tickets to Dave Ramsey's Smart Money Tour last year and while we arent 100% insanely on board....we pretty much have been converted and have been working hard to change our present, so our future is 100% OURS to decide on. And the future of our son is that he will see how hard we worked to get out of debt and STAY out of debt and the goal is to pass that on to him.
We have had our fair share of sickness since Christmas too. Mostly me. Dang crappy immune system.
And I'm still at a loss over our continued infertility. I feel so alone and sad most of the time. I have no one to talk to and everytime I come on here thinking I might say what I'm feeling, I get all in my head about what people will say. So then I dont, and I continue feeling sad and alone.
Good times.
Anyways, just wanted to say we are still here....still alive....just living and working and growing old. :)
Friday, December 22, 2017
Merry Christmas 2017
You haven't heard from me in {quite} awhile!! Did you miss me?
I have about 5 or 6 blog posts that are in draft...I just cant seem to find the motivation or time to finish them off. I've been a bit overloaded with work and life and when that happens it is all I can do to get through my day doing what i HAVE to do, and leaves very little time for what i may WANT to do, like updating this blog.
I am taking the next week and a half off work. I wont be answering emails, or doing any photoshoots whatsoever. Vastly different from last year! Last year I worked up to the 23rd and then started again on the 27th. In the week from Christmas to New Years, I had 4 photoshoots!! I have nothing scheduled so I can refocus my mind and soul and spend some MUCH needed quality time with my husband and sweet sweet son.
I just wanted to pop on and wish everyone a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS from my family to yours. I hope you take some time to enjoy the moment and not be so frazzled that you miss the important things--and of course to remember the reason for the season--our dear Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Loves!!
I have about 5 or 6 blog posts that are in draft...I just cant seem to find the motivation or time to finish them off. I've been a bit overloaded with work and life and when that happens it is all I can do to get through my day doing what i HAVE to do, and leaves very little time for what i may WANT to do, like updating this blog.
I am taking the next week and a half off work. I wont be answering emails, or doing any photoshoots whatsoever. Vastly different from last year! Last year I worked up to the 23rd and then started again on the 27th. In the week from Christmas to New Years, I had 4 photoshoots!! I have nothing scheduled so I can refocus my mind and soul and spend some MUCH needed quality time with my husband and sweet sweet son.
I just wanted to pop on and wish everyone a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS from my family to yours. I hope you take some time to enjoy the moment and not be so frazzled that you miss the important things--and of course to remember the reason for the season--our dear Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Loves!!
Friday, September 22, 2017
Heart
Tonight my heart hurts and my eyes brim with tears.
I am longing for another little one to join our family.
I cry while holding my Nash...he is getting so big, so grown up, so fast.
I feel that I am not done having children.
I fear that my window is closing.
I long for the day that I can give Nash a sibling. He would love that so much. A buddy.
Infertility is the worst.
I am longing for another little one to join our family.
I cry while holding my Nash...he is getting so big, so grown up, so fast.
I feel that I am not done having children.
I fear that my window is closing.
I long for the day that I can give Nash a sibling. He would love that so much. A buddy.
Infertility is the worst.
Thursday, August 24, 2017
Still alive
Its been 2 months since I last posted.
I've been in the throws of life. And right now, I tell you, life is giving me a run for my money!!
I was sick for the entire month of July.
We are in the middle of refinancing our home which is a huge long pain in the behind.
I've been trying to make summer fun for Nash.
I've also been trying to compile "homeschool" curriculum to do with him this next year until he goes into preschool.
I am in the middle of planning a giant surprise party.
My business is SLOW as everyone has been on vacation and then getting into school starting. Its been stressing me out.
My first car, cozey, is due for registration AND emissions. My father is a mechanic...and no matter what we do, she wont pass emissions. Too many things wrong with her to try to fix because she isnt worth all that time and money. So I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to figure out what to do. And every person I talk to either has no idea or they all give me different instructions. I'm thoroughly confused.
With everything going on, my anxiety is UP UP UP. Working on that. Have had some days where I just sit and watch movies and play trains with Nash because I cant make myself go out and "be productive".
I also have been in the middle of a bathroom reno that I'm doing all on my own. I cant expand it yet ($$$!) but have plans to do it in the not too horribly distant future. However, I've sanded and painted, replaced and fixed, and currently I'm in the middle of doing a custom floor. I've learned lots of new skills.
AND we just got back from Jace's VanWagoner family reunion up in Ogden. It was Nash's first time meeting them, and my first time seeing most of them since basically our wedding. Yikes, thats a long time! It was alot of driving, and Nash did great. It was good fun to see them all. Also, I drove through Salt Lake for the first time and lived to tell the tale. Utah drivers and my anxiety...it could have been interesting. Lol
Anyways, thats whats new here. I've sat down to write multiple times but just havent. I also havent updated my social media either. I will try to do better. But if you dont see anything from me, its probably because I'm overwhelmed and eventually I'll emerge.
Oh! and Happy Birthday today to our nephew Corbin! #9!
I've been in the throws of life. And right now, I tell you, life is giving me a run for my money!!
I was sick for the entire month of July.
We are in the middle of refinancing our home which is a huge long pain in the behind.
I've been trying to make summer fun for Nash.
I've also been trying to compile "homeschool" curriculum to do with him this next year until he goes into preschool.
I am in the middle of planning a giant surprise party.
My business is SLOW as everyone has been on vacation and then getting into school starting. Its been stressing me out.
My first car, cozey, is due for registration AND emissions. My father is a mechanic...and no matter what we do, she wont pass emissions. Too many things wrong with her to try to fix because she isnt worth all that time and money. So I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to figure out what to do. And every person I talk to either has no idea or they all give me different instructions. I'm thoroughly confused.
With everything going on, my anxiety is UP UP UP. Working on that. Have had some days where I just sit and watch movies and play trains with Nash because I cant make myself go out and "be productive".
I also have been in the middle of a bathroom reno that I'm doing all on my own. I cant expand it yet ($$$!) but have plans to do it in the not too horribly distant future. However, I've sanded and painted, replaced and fixed, and currently I'm in the middle of doing a custom floor. I've learned lots of new skills.
AND we just got back from Jace's VanWagoner family reunion up in Ogden. It was Nash's first time meeting them, and my first time seeing most of them since basically our wedding. Yikes, thats a long time! It was alot of driving, and Nash did great. It was good fun to see them all. Also, I drove through Salt Lake for the first time and lived to tell the tale. Utah drivers and my anxiety...it could have been interesting. Lol
Anyways, thats whats new here. I've sat down to write multiple times but just havent. I also havent updated my social media either. I will try to do better. But if you dont see anything from me, its probably because I'm overwhelmed and eventually I'll emerge.
Oh! and Happy Birthday today to our nephew Corbin! #9!
Saturday, June 24, 2017
A series of Unfortunate Events
It started with an ache.
My forearm was throbbing a bit.
I didnt think anything of it and continued about my day. We went to the library, I played with Nash, I cleaned a little...nothing out of the ordinary. I had a photoshoot cancellation for the next day...bummer.
Then the ache and throbbing slowly ran up my arm into my shoulder. I could no longer move my arm without immense pain.
Weird, because I cant think of anything I might have done to cause this. Started to be glad for the photo shoot cancellation.
It was bad enough, that I couldn't put my car into gear...I couldn't lift my arm that high.
I went to my parents house, where I was given a Priesthood blessing and a sling.
I went home and putting Nash to bed took 3 times as long without the use of my right (dominant) arm.
I took Ibuprofen and waited for Jace to come home.
We stayed up way too late watching American Ninja Warrior...almost 1 AM.
In bed, I wasn't sure how I was going to sleep, my arm hurt.
After about an hour, I sat bolt upright with a new pain. A sharp pain. My back was on fire and it felt like pins and needles were in two different parts of my back.
I birthed a child, so this was not the worst pain I have felt. But I havent felt this kind of pain before. It was new and scary.
Jace started rubbing my shoulder thinking I pinched a nerve, and thats when he noticed the welts.
He started tearing apart our bed while I was concentrating on my breathing.
And then he found the source of my new pain. An unwelcome guest. The evil scorpion himself.
A FREAKING SCORPION WAS IN MY BED, I HAD NO IDEA, AND I ROLLED OVER ON HIM AND HE FREAKING STUNG ME TWICE, AND I STILL HAD NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED!
I fear scorpions. Alot. I didnt grow up ever seeing one. Never knew what to experience.
Pain. Pain is what you experience. Thankfully I didnt have an allergic reaction, so all I had to worry about was the pain.
Well, pain and now fear of my house and room. Every surface, every carpet, every tile in my home--is the exact color of the smooshed scorpion that Jace carried out on the bottom of his shoe.
I couldnt move. My back hurt so much, that I almost forgot that I could barely move my right arm. ALMOST.
I sat up, on the edge of my couch, messaging my other photoshoot client that I wouldnt be able to do their shoot that afternoon, and watching pointless shows until 7 AM. Then I slowly made my way into my room and tried to sleep. 10-15 minute increments were all I could do. Nash was up for the day before 8 (poor Jace). We have season tickets for tonights Dbacks game. Will I be able to go? I dont know.
One thing I do know? In less than 24 hours i became unable to use my right arm, lost 2 clients (until i reschedule), and rolled over on a scorpion that caused me to not sleep and be in pain.
This now ends Andrea's saga of unfortunate events of last night.
Thursday, May 18, 2017
Week 4
Well, here it is. The last weekly update that i'm gonna make myself do :) I'm sure to check back in and let you know my progress at some point.
I had my weigh in yesterday. Down another pound. That's 6 pounds in 4 weeks exactly.
Not my best--but also not bad.
This last week, I finished my period FINALLY, had an ultrasound on my thyroid, did a fasting glucose test, and was exhausted.
I had my follow up appointment today with my endocrinologist.
The ultrasound on the thyroid showed 2 small nodules--neither of them big enough to even biopsy so shes not worried about them. I'll get another ultrasound in a year to make sure they aren't growing. If they are, then there is a VERY SLIM chance that the biopsy would show cancer. She isn't worried, and neither am I.
My fasting glucose reading was great, however the draws at 1 and 2 hours were not. I wasn't allowed to take my metformin that day and what it showed was that i was in the "pre-diabetic" range. She told me that she is calling me Insulin Resistant and that I'll probably have to take metformin for the rest of my life.
I'll go in and see her before the end of the year and we'll check my progress on the weight loss and possibly do more blood work to see how everything is changing.
All in all, not a bad appointment.
I had my weigh in yesterday. Down another pound. That's 6 pounds in 4 weeks exactly.
Not my best--but also not bad.
This last week, I finished my period FINALLY, had an ultrasound on my thyroid, did a fasting glucose test, and was exhausted.
I had my follow up appointment today with my endocrinologist.
The ultrasound on the thyroid showed 2 small nodules--neither of them big enough to even biopsy so shes not worried about them. I'll get another ultrasound in a year to make sure they aren't growing. If they are, then there is a VERY SLIM chance that the biopsy would show cancer. She isn't worried, and neither am I.
My fasting glucose reading was great, however the draws at 1 and 2 hours were not. I wasn't allowed to take my metformin that day and what it showed was that i was in the "pre-diabetic" range. She told me that she is calling me Insulin Resistant and that I'll probably have to take metformin for the rest of my life.
I'll go in and see her before the end of the year and we'll check my progress on the weight loss and possibly do more blood work to see how everything is changing.
All in all, not a bad appointment.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
What I know
So, I wouldn't call myself an expert on anything.
I've done lots of things.
Lots of things well, and lots of things not so well.
I've learned lots.
One thing I know well (that I wish I didn't) is the horrible-ness of cancer.
When I was 5, my grandpa who I idolized, died of prostate cancer.
When I was 13, my aunt died of pancreatic cancer.
When I was 19, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She went from stage one pre-surgery to almost a stage 4 after (ended up stage 3). She almost died. She then tested positive for the ovarian cancer gene. So she had a hysterectomy so that wouldn't take her life.
When I was 22, my uncle died of cancer that was caught too late and had metastasized to his bones.
At 26, I got tested and tested positive for the same cancer gene that my mom did.
What I'm saying, is (and this is just my close family.)..cancer is a beast that is relentless.
I learned: how to be strong, when you feel weak.
I learned: how to pick up and keep going, when you feel like falling apart.
I learned: how to cope with the feeling of loss.
I learned: what it was like to watch your parent go through something that basically was killing them, in order for them to live to see you into adulthood.
I learned: to rely on faith. To drink in the hopes and prayers of others.
I watched my mother have surgery after surgery, have a double mastectomy, receive a port to have chemo, do 6 months of chemo, do weeks and weeks of radiation therapy, lose her hair, stay in bed because she was so sick, I've seen her worry and stress about "what if" something happened to her--what would happen to her kids.
I've come to know a thing or two about cancer.
Its a monster.
Jace's oldest brother Jeff had cancer when he was a toddler. Well, we found out today that the monster has returned. This time its residing around his colon. Jeff has colon cancer. He'll go in for surgery next week, and then have 6 months of chemo (i don't know about radiation), and then another surgery later to reattach his bowels.
This, to me, unfortunately feels routine. No one should ever feel that way about something so horrible.
But here is what I know:
God is real.
God is good.
God loves us.
The power of prayer is real.
Faith of others can carry you through.
Hope is the best medicine.
Laughter will be tough to find, but crucial.
It is OKAY to be scared.
It is OKAY to cry.
It is OKAY to worry.
And its OKAY to express how you are really feeling.
Are you down in the dumps? Does that moment in time "suck"? Say it. Are you so tired of puking your guts out and cant stand your bathroom anymore? SCREAM IT. Are you worried about your future? Voice it.
The Lord will hear you. He will guide you. He will carry you through.
THIS is what I know.
Week 3
I started another period, dangit. I had one at the start of week 1 for crying out loud.
I started a new blood pressure medication this week that will allow me to go off birth control (praises!) and that would be safe to be on while pregnant. We are seeing how my body is adjusting to being on it. So far, my blood pressure has remained steady (or as steady as it ever is) but I've now developed some nasty migraines. And I still have to be on birth control since we werent sure how I would react. Its been a pretty rough week to be honest.
The food thing has been interesting. I've been doing intermittent fasting, and because my stomach shrinks, I'm not especially hungry. Feeling sick from medication and a period doesn't help either. So I've been not eating enough according to myfitnesspal. I even try eating an extra apple, or some cheese before bed so my calories are high enough to even complete my daily diary and I've failed a few days to do that.
My workouts have been less than stellar. I hit my doctors minimum of 3 days a week--i ended up doing 4. My personal goal was 5 days. However it got up to 105 degrees and it was 95 degrees in my garage--and the heat combined with the way I was feeling...just didnt lend to good workouts.
I also am struggling with motivation to work out due to stress. Jace had interviewed for a promotion which we both desperately needed him to get. He has been so tired of his work situation and needing a change, and a nice bump in pay was something our family needed. My work flow had been slow and so i have been working overtime to change that. Its definitely helping, but its lead to LONG nights, and my mornings and nash's naptime being filled with work, not work outs. :( I'll find the balance, I know I will....it just wasnt this week.
My endocrinologist thought she felt something on my thyroid at my first appointment with her and she wanted me to get an ultrasound. I did that this week too. Now I'm freaking out that something may be wrong. I've never had an issue with my thyroid, so I'm hoping thats not the case.
I weighed in again and lost 1 pound. So i'm technically down 5 pounds in 3 weeks. Its a start.
I started a new blood pressure medication this week that will allow me to go off birth control (praises!) and that would be safe to be on while pregnant. We are seeing how my body is adjusting to being on it. So far, my blood pressure has remained steady (or as steady as it ever is) but I've now developed some nasty migraines. And I still have to be on birth control since we werent sure how I would react. Its been a pretty rough week to be honest.
The food thing has been interesting. I've been doing intermittent fasting, and because my stomach shrinks, I'm not especially hungry. Feeling sick from medication and a period doesn't help either. So I've been not eating enough according to myfitnesspal. I even try eating an extra apple, or some cheese before bed so my calories are high enough to even complete my daily diary and I've failed a few days to do that.
My workouts have been less than stellar. I hit my doctors minimum of 3 days a week--i ended up doing 4. My personal goal was 5 days. However it got up to 105 degrees and it was 95 degrees in my garage--and the heat combined with the way I was feeling...just didnt lend to good workouts.
I also am struggling with motivation to work out due to stress. Jace had interviewed for a promotion which we both desperately needed him to get. He has been so tired of his work situation and needing a change, and a nice bump in pay was something our family needed. My work flow had been slow and so i have been working overtime to change that. Its definitely helping, but its lead to LONG nights, and my mornings and nash's naptime being filled with work, not work outs. :( I'll find the balance, I know I will....it just wasnt this week.
My endocrinologist thought she felt something on my thyroid at my first appointment with her and she wanted me to get an ultrasound. I did that this week too. Now I'm freaking out that something may be wrong. I've never had an issue with my thyroid, so I'm hoping thats not the case.
I weighed in again and lost 1 pound. So i'm technically down 5 pounds in 3 weeks. Its a start.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Week 2
Dont worry all, I wont be doing these weekly updates on my diet forever.
I go in for a follow up at the end of week 4, and I just wanted to document my starting progress.
Because lets face it...this is basically a forever thing. I'm changing a lifestyle. A mindset. And hormones.
Its not gonna be fast!
Its not gonna be fast!
I also know that my weight might not change a ton. I was secretly hoping it might...but I knew not to get my hopes up.
Well I failed. I feel like with all the effort i'm putting in--working out days a week--cutting my caloric intake in half--monitoring carbs, fat, proteins, sugar--upping my water intake by 50%-- intermentant fasting--and getting back on my medication....that I should see results. Either on the scale or with my clothes, right?
Ugh. Well, I weighed in yesterday and was down 1 pound. Discouraging.
I tried on 3 different shirts (that I wore at Christmas for goodness sake) and they were showing some very unflattering rolls.
UGH. the worst!!
Also, i thought working out was supposed to help give you energy? Its been a really long time since i've been this run down!!
(i'm pretty sure all those runners that claim they get a runners high are lying and all the fitness nuts who claim to miss working out are quite literally NUTS. but thats just my 2 cents :) )
Monday, May 1, 2017
Jace
So back at the end of March, Jace had a scary experience.
He had blood in his urine.
We rushed him to the doctor, who was worried, and sent him to get an ultrasound the next day.
The ultrasound results came that afternoon from the doctor (unheard of in my experience) saying they found a mass on one of his kidneys.
Jace was to get a CT scan, but couldnt get in for a few days.
Pretty scary when you think you have cancer.
Our doctors assistant wasnt okay with that and personally called around to get him in THAT day somewhere.
She was amazing.
So Jace went.
And our doctor personally called Jace that evening after business hours (from his car, no less!) to say that the CT scan didnt show any cancer.
Whew.
We went in a few days later to discuss (follow up) with our doctor. He explained what they saw on the ultrasound and what they saw in the CT. Apparently Jace's kidney is odd and is thicker than normal (his mom has weird shaped kidneys, so it must be genetic) and that is what the ultrasound picked up but couldnt distinguish. However, there was still the blood in the urine thing that was troublesome.
So off to a urologist we went. We had our initial meeting and scheduled a scope. That would check the bladder, the prostate, and the urethra making sure there was no cancer anywhere.
To say Jace was not excited about this would be putting it mildly.
He went in at the end of April, had the procedure, and we have received news.
THERE IS NO CANCER.
(lets take a minute and thank Heavenly Father for this blessing)
Best guess of the cause of bleeding is that Jace passed a kidney stone and didnt realize it.
So there you go. Jace's cancer scare of 2017.
Lets not do that again, okay?
He had blood in his urine.
We rushed him to the doctor, who was worried, and sent him to get an ultrasound the next day.
The ultrasound results came that afternoon from the doctor (unheard of in my experience) saying they found a mass on one of his kidneys.
Jace was to get a CT scan, but couldnt get in for a few days.
Pretty scary when you think you have cancer.
Our doctors assistant wasnt okay with that and personally called around to get him in THAT day somewhere.
She was amazing.
So Jace went.
And our doctor personally called Jace that evening after business hours (from his car, no less!) to say that the CT scan didnt show any cancer.
Whew.
We went in a few days later to discuss (follow up) with our doctor. He explained what they saw on the ultrasound and what they saw in the CT. Apparently Jace's kidney is odd and is thicker than normal (his mom has weird shaped kidneys, so it must be genetic) and that is what the ultrasound picked up but couldnt distinguish. However, there was still the blood in the urine thing that was troublesome.
So off to a urologist we went. We had our initial meeting and scheduled a scope. That would check the bladder, the prostate, and the urethra making sure there was no cancer anywhere.
To say Jace was not excited about this would be putting it mildly.
He went in at the end of April, had the procedure, and we have received news.
THERE IS NO CANCER.
(lets take a minute and thank Heavenly Father for this blessing)
Best guess of the cause of bleeding is that Jace passed a kidney stone and didnt realize it.
So there you go. Jace's cancer scare of 2017.
Lets not do that again, okay?
Friday, April 28, 2017
Garbage
Is anyone on here an emotional eater?
You eat when you are happy? Or sad? Or stressed?
I have found that I have turned into an emotional eater.
Yesterday my whole day was thrown off when I got a phone call reminding me I had forgotten a commitment. I was late. I hadnt eaten anything and I basically threw Nash in the car and we rushed over lickity split.
Well...my healthy food choices arent at the house where I was...so I made a not so great breakfast choice. And one thing led to another because then it was almost 3 PM, and we could finally go home, but Nash and I both hadnt eaten lunch, he was late for a nap, and I was stressed out. I grabbed a Pepsi and drank it...putting me well over my sugar allotment for the day.
I was so mad at myself and stressed about work that instead of exercising, I sat there mad at myself...FOR NASH'S WHOLE NAPTIME! Gah.
Today, I did great at breakfast and was on track to have a great lunch when Nash asked for jack in the box (he never asks for food....) so i looked up taco nutrition facts and decided i could fit those in my meal plan today. I got a side salad as well. I ate about 6 of Nash's fries and my salad and could have been done. But i bought the tacos dang it and so I ate them.
Now, instead of working out, I want to puke my guts out. Too much fried stuff and my tummy is ANGRY.
Tell me this gets easier to navigate. Please?!
You eat when you are happy? Or sad? Or stressed?
I have found that I have turned into an emotional eater.
Yesterday my whole day was thrown off when I got a phone call reminding me I had forgotten a commitment. I was late. I hadnt eaten anything and I basically threw Nash in the car and we rushed over lickity split.
Well...my healthy food choices arent at the house where I was...so I made a not so great breakfast choice. And one thing led to another because then it was almost 3 PM, and we could finally go home, but Nash and I both hadnt eaten lunch, he was late for a nap, and I was stressed out. I grabbed a Pepsi and drank it...putting me well over my sugar allotment for the day.
I was so mad at myself and stressed about work that instead of exercising, I sat there mad at myself...FOR NASH'S WHOLE NAPTIME! Gah.
Today, I did great at breakfast and was on track to have a great lunch when Nash asked for jack in the box (he never asks for food....) so i looked up taco nutrition facts and decided i could fit those in my meal plan today. I got a side salad as well. I ate about 6 of Nash's fries and my salad and could have been done. But i bought the tacos dang it and so I ate them.
Now, instead of working out, I want to puke my guts out. Too much fried stuff and my tummy is ANGRY.
Tell me this gets easier to navigate. Please?!
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Week 1
So I've been on this new diet and med schedule for 7 days now.
Thoughts on it.
At first I was afraid....i was petrified. HA! But seriously.
There is nothing worse than someone saying "lose weight" and not giving you any direction or help in that regard. Its way worse when its a doctor who is supposed to be helping you.
I have messed up hormones and i'm basically insulin resistant. If you want to know what insulin resistance is here is a link.
((The interesting thing about all of my conditions is that they all started or activated when I got married. How weird is that?!))
Anyways, doctors wont officially say i have insulin resistance, but they treat me like I do. And insulin resistance causes me to gain weight and have it be a complete BEAR to get rid of.
No one has ever really helped me with my diet and how it would work with my pre-existing conditions (PCOS, IR, and High Blood Pressure). I felt so lost and overwhelmed and I tend to panic. I can thank my anxiety for that.
This is my second endocrinologist that I have been to. She gave me some perimeters of where she wants my eating, wants me to exercise 3 days a week minimum, do intermittent fasting (not widely done, but has been tested on insulin resistant patients and seems to help), as well as taking my medication.
I just completed week one.
I'm on my period and i wanted all the chocolate and didnt want to move because of cramping. It was really hard at first because I felt like I couldnt eat anything. I all of the sudden was viewing food as an enemy....which isnt healthy. I took me until yesterday, but I think I'm finally starting to figure this out. I ate out at Applebees yesterday. I ate half of my meal (and was full!) and it still fit into all of my categories!! My carbs, my calories, my sugars, my fats! I realized that I still could have good food, even with a restrictive diet. I even got to eat my leftovers for lunch today!
My water intake probably hasnt been this high since I was pregnant either. I have been dehydrating myself for a long time.
And I'm down 3 pounds.
:) Hoping to keep it up!!
Thoughts on it.
At first I was afraid....i was petrified. HA! But seriously.
There is nothing worse than someone saying "lose weight" and not giving you any direction or help in that regard. Its way worse when its a doctor who is supposed to be helping you.
I have messed up hormones and i'm basically insulin resistant. If you want to know what insulin resistance is here is a link.
((The interesting thing about all of my conditions is that they all started or activated when I got married. How weird is that?!))
Anyways, doctors wont officially say i have insulin resistance, but they treat me like I do. And insulin resistance causes me to gain weight and have it be a complete BEAR to get rid of.
No one has ever really helped me with my diet and how it would work with my pre-existing conditions (PCOS, IR, and High Blood Pressure). I felt so lost and overwhelmed and I tend to panic. I can thank my anxiety for that.
This is my second endocrinologist that I have been to. She gave me some perimeters of where she wants my eating, wants me to exercise 3 days a week minimum, do intermittent fasting (not widely done, but has been tested on insulin resistant patients and seems to help), as well as taking my medication.
I just completed week one.
I'm on my period and i wanted all the chocolate and didnt want to move because of cramping. It was really hard at first because I felt like I couldnt eat anything. I all of the sudden was viewing food as an enemy....which isnt healthy. I took me until yesterday, but I think I'm finally starting to figure this out. I ate out at Applebees yesterday. I ate half of my meal (and was full!) and it still fit into all of my categories!! My carbs, my calories, my sugars, my fats! I realized that I still could have good food, even with a restrictive diet. I even got to eat my leftovers for lunch today!
My water intake probably hasnt been this high since I was pregnant either. I have been dehydrating myself for a long time.
And I'm down 3 pounds.
:) Hoping to keep it up!!
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Back to the grind
So, as many of you know, i have infertility issues.
Say whaaa? (right?) ::sarcasm::
Anyways, in the last year, my body and the flip flopped hormones and the insulin resistance that I now have, plus the awesome high blood pressure the last pregnancy has saddled me with HAVE TAKEN THEIR TOLL on my poor body.
I had been going to an endocrinologist for awhile in 2016, but he wasnt concerned with me. In fact he turfed me to his PA for all of my appointments except the first one. I wasnt a priority. And I needed help, and he didnt give it to me.
I stopped going to him. And then my prescription ran out.
Since I was off my medication that helped with the insulin problem...i've had major weight issues because of that. (my body doesnt process insulin anymore...so no matter how many calories I count or diets i go on--my body just holds on to that fat. freaking a man. so unfair)
EVENTUALLY (and sooner than later) I'd like to get pregnant again--(especially considering I have to have a hysterectomy at an early age thanks to the cancer gene I've inherited from my mom.)
I needed to see a new Endo. A neighbor gave me the info of her old doc who she loved.
I had my first appointment yesterday.
I cant say that I love her...but at least I have someone who can help look out for me and figure some stuff out.
So I'm back to the grind. Diet, exercise, medication, managing my stress (betrayal trauma is laughing at me) and hopefully getting more sleep.
Wish me luck.
Say whaaa? (right?) ::sarcasm::
Anyways, in the last year, my body and the flip flopped hormones and the insulin resistance that I now have, plus the awesome high blood pressure the last pregnancy has saddled me with HAVE TAKEN THEIR TOLL on my poor body.
I had been going to an endocrinologist for awhile in 2016, but he wasnt concerned with me. In fact he turfed me to his PA for all of my appointments except the first one. I wasnt a priority. And I needed help, and he didnt give it to me.
I stopped going to him. And then my prescription ran out.
Since I was off my medication that helped with the insulin problem...i've had major weight issues because of that. (my body doesnt process insulin anymore...so no matter how many calories I count or diets i go on--my body just holds on to that fat. freaking a man. so unfair)
EVENTUALLY (and sooner than later) I'd like to get pregnant again--(especially considering I have to have a hysterectomy at an early age thanks to the cancer gene I've inherited from my mom.)
I needed to see a new Endo. A neighbor gave me the info of her old doc who she loved.
I had my first appointment yesterday.
I cant say that I love her...but at least I have someone who can help look out for me and figure some stuff out.
So I'm back to the grind. Diet, exercise, medication, managing my stress (betrayal trauma is laughing at me) and hopefully getting more sleep.
Wish me luck.
Monday, April 17, 2017
The 3rd Bedroom.
Dun, Dun, DUUUUUUNNNNN!
So last October we repainted the inside of our home (with the exceptions of the bedrooms). Everything is open plan and so it honestly feels like one giant space. Before we moved in, we had painted Nash's room, and we were fine with the color of our room (its kinda like periwinkle). However, both hall baths, the 3rd bedroom, the living room, the hall, the kitchen, dining, and family room were all this pinkish brown paint.
I knew I didnt love it when we moved in, but as everyone kept telling me, it wasnt that bad and it was already done. So i lived with it for 2 years. Over the weekend of our anniversary, the plans we had to go out of town fell through, so we used those 2 days to completely dismantle our home and paint. Nash was half hating that we weren't paying attention to him, and half loving the freedom he had. Lol.
BEFORE::
I chose a great neutral color called burnished clay from behr that I picked up at Home Depot. Jace wasn't so sure about it, but by the time it dried we both fell in love. It completely brightened up our home (which it needed!! everything was so monochromatic and dark and a little depressing). I also picked out a bright and cheery blue for my laundry room and Nash's bathroom. When Jace saw the laundry room for the first time he said, "hey! i actually want to spend time in here!" Since we were "going for it", I took the time to paint our front and back door a beautiful Navy blue. The doors are weird, they have metal casings on the front and back of them that makes painting them tricky. I did 2-3 coats, and honestly they probably could use another. After doing all that in 2 days....we completely ran out of steam when it came to painting the 3rd bedroom.
I mean, it was a catch all room that we didn't spend any time in, so why bother with it, right?
Well after living with that for another 6 months....I was over it again. ha!!
We had Jace's family coming to our house for Easter, and I decided that was enough motivation to clean out the room, re-organize, and paint.
Jace was able to help some with the painting, but I did all the clearing out, organizing, and of course painting. That room has built in desks and every nook and cranny were painted in that pink brown. It was another 2 days of work, but WOW. what a difference!! I cant believe that we actually have a functioning room!! I can get to every single thing, all of Jace's guitars are up off the ground, my books have a home. I actually have kept that bedroom door open for the last 5 days, I just love looking at it!!
Someday, we will get carpet installed in it (since hopefully it will become another child's room), but until then, I am happy with the result! The closet is the only space in the whole house where that old paint color resides. Hooray!!
So last October we repainted the inside of our home (with the exceptions of the bedrooms). Everything is open plan and so it honestly feels like one giant space. Before we moved in, we had painted Nash's room, and we were fine with the color of our room (its kinda like periwinkle). However, both hall baths, the 3rd bedroom, the living room, the hall, the kitchen, dining, and family room were all this pinkish brown paint.
I knew I didnt love it when we moved in, but as everyone kept telling me, it wasnt that bad and it was already done. So i lived with it for 2 years. Over the weekend of our anniversary, the plans we had to go out of town fell through, so we used those 2 days to completely dismantle our home and paint. Nash was half hating that we weren't paying attention to him, and half loving the freedom he had. Lol.
BEFORE::
Kitchen:
Living room:
Laundry Room:
Nash's bathroom:
Dining Room:
Family Room:
AFTER::
Kitchen/Dining:
Living Room:
Hall:
Laundry Room (Same color in Nash's bath):
I obviously was so tired and scatter brained that I didnt take pictures of every room. But you get the idea!! As I change things up more I'm sure I'll do more posts on the rooms!
I chose a great neutral color called burnished clay from behr that I picked up at Home Depot. Jace wasn't so sure about it, but by the time it dried we both fell in love. It completely brightened up our home (which it needed!! everything was so monochromatic and dark and a little depressing). I also picked out a bright and cheery blue for my laundry room and Nash's bathroom. When Jace saw the laundry room for the first time he said, "hey! i actually want to spend time in here!" Since we were "going for it", I took the time to paint our front and back door a beautiful Navy blue. The doors are weird, they have metal casings on the front and back of them that makes painting them tricky. I did 2-3 coats, and honestly they probably could use another. After doing all that in 2 days....we completely ran out of steam when it came to painting the 3rd bedroom.
I mean, it was a catch all room that we didn't spend any time in, so why bother with it, right?
Well after living with that for another 6 months....I was over it again. ha!!
We had Jace's family coming to our house for Easter, and I decided that was enough motivation to clean out the room, re-organize, and paint.
Jace was able to help some with the painting, but I did all the clearing out, organizing, and of course painting. That room has built in desks and every nook and cranny were painted in that pink brown. It was another 2 days of work, but WOW. what a difference!! I cant believe that we actually have a functioning room!! I can get to every single thing, all of Jace's guitars are up off the ground, my books have a home. I actually have kept that bedroom door open for the last 5 days, I just love looking at it!!
Someday, we will get carpet installed in it (since hopefully it will become another child's room), but until then, I am happy with the result! The closet is the only space in the whole house where that old paint color resides. Hooray!!
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