Back to the grind

So, as many of you know, i have infertility issues.

Say whaaa? (right?) ::sarcasm::

Anyways, in the last year, my body and the flip flopped hormones and the insulin resistance that I now have, plus the awesome high blood pressure the last pregnancy has saddled me with HAVE TAKEN THEIR TOLL on my poor body.

I had been going to an endocrinologist for awhile in 2016, but he wasnt concerned with me. In fact he turfed me to his PA for all of my appointments except the first one. I wasnt a priority. And I needed help, and he didnt give it to me.

I stopped going to him. And then my prescription ran out.

Since I was off my medication that helped with the insulin problem...i've had major weight issues because of that. (my body doesnt process insulin anymore...so no matter how many calories I count or diets i go on--my body just holds on to that fat. freaking a man. so unfair)

EVENTUALLY (and sooner than later) I'd like to get pregnant again--(especially considering I have to have a hysterectomy at an early age thanks to the cancer gene I've inherited from my mom.)

I needed to see a new Endo. A neighbor gave me the info of her old doc who she loved.

I had my first appointment yesterday.

I cant say that I love her...but at least I have someone who can help look out for me and figure some stuff out.

So I'm back to the grind. Diet, exercise, medication, managing my stress (betrayal trauma is laughing at me) and hopefully getting more sleep.

Wish me luck.

Rant.

I only have 5 minutes until my pasta is done cooking....

so that's all the time I'm going to allow for this rant.

There was something on Facebook today that irked me. A LOT.

Someone made a joke about "beavers" and everyone went OFF on how hilarious it is...yatta yatta.

If you don't know, apparently people use the word beaver when talking about vaginas.

Stupid.

But there were over 30 comments on how hilarious it is, and how it makes them laugh. One talked about How I Met Your Mother. They have an entire episode dedicated to it, and because Robin is Canadian she is furious that they make it to be dirty (because the national animal of Canada is the beaver). But the "longer or more you watch it the funnier it is!!" and this is what the girls said. "I know a lot of LDS people don't like it because of the porn references but if you can look past it, it is a hilarious show".

Jace and I watched HIMYM all seasons...multiple times. We owned all the disks. Then i found out about Jace's porn addiction. Guess what? It was instantly NOT acceptable to "look past" that garbage. All our HIMYM seasons were broken and THROWN away. They were not welcome in my home and I couldn't bear the thought of sending that garbage into someone else's.

The problem with our society now is that we take things that are totally not acceptable and make them acceptable. Movies with vulgar language--we say, well it has 2 or 3 of these words, but other than that its a good movie! Shows or movies with sexually explicit or incredibly suggestive content-- we say, well if you can look past it, its great! Even restaurants are in-cringing on what is acceptable. Hooters--obviously. The tilted kilt--i just watched an undercover boss episode and the CEO was saying the outfits the girls wear are PG13 max, and he wants it to be a family pub. The girls wore a BRA with a cropped sleeve thing, complete trunk (from breasts to below navel) showing and mini skirts.

None of these things should be allowed. The porn industry has crept into every single thing. If we don't take a stance, where does that leave us?

One thing I need to get out there...you shouldn't have to "look past" something if it goes against what you believe should be, when it comes to entertainment or the like. To everyone who thinks its just jokes and "just porn" (that's what a lot of people say, by the way)--ITS NOT. Its ruining people. Its ruining families. Its ruining lives.

Betrayal Trauma Update

This is so weird.

This THING that is now part of my life because of someone else's addiction.

Most days lately, i've been too busy/worried about other things, to notice or focus on how i'm doing in terms of my betrayal trauma.

And then BAM! Something stupid or small triggers ALL the emotions.

My brother is still in the hospital, my cousins husband just died, i'm crazy busy with work, i'm behind on my editing since my computer was in the shop, i don't feel great, nash is sick, and i haven't slept in 72 hours (basically). I was supposed to have my first ever night away from nash over our anniversary, but my brother being in the ICU put a damper on that. 

My husband was trying to say the right thing on the phone today, but he was saying the wrong things. He said "well since you don't have shoots today you can relax, that's nice". 

And that's what pushed me over the edge. 

WHAT RELAXING?! I haven't slept in days--you have.

I don't have a minute to myself all day--you do.

Even if I get to leave the house, i'm either running errands for our family while toting a 2 year old around OR i'm rushing to a photo shoot to work and then rushing back.

During Nashs "naptime" (if i'm lucky that day), I'm working. I'm doing laundry, or having a newborn photo shoot in the living room. I'm editing pictures or doing dishes.

THERE IS NO DOWN TIME.

A very important part of betrayal trauma recovery is called "Self Care". Its important in everyday life too, and I suck at it. I always put someone or something else above me and my needs. It doesn't help that Jace is NEVER home and I don't get to have my husband "take the kids so I can do what i need to". 

I almost threw my back out the other day, my shoulders have disappeared under a mountain of knots, and i'm having pretty bad headaches most days. My body is quite literally telling me that I need to practice some self care and I'm too busy to do it. :(

Bah.

Yeesh.

How depressing have my last posts been?!

I was able to meet up with an old friend last night. We talked for like 4 hours. I didnt come home till 1 AM. It was good to reconnect and have some adult time. (thanks Katy!!) I'm pretty sure she wasnt thrilled with how late we were up (her kids are SUPER early risers) but I'm glad we did it.

As I talk about things...my life, real life, things that are great and not so great...its all for me. This blog is my journal. Its a way for me to record what I was feeling, what was going on in my life. And I want it to be real. I want to remember how I actually felt about something. Because, who knows. It may help me out in the future if I go through another similar experience. Or it could help me give advice to my children, or friends. Or maybe, since this blog is public, it helps someone else out that just happens to read my blog.

Life is a roller coaster. No matter who you are, or what circumstance your life is in; at some point your life will go up and down, upside down, topsy turvy CRAZY. Because life is unpredictable and hard and weird and great and tiring, and awesome.

If you had known me growing up and through high school, I was a pretty happy gal. There were crummy things in my life; sure, but overall I really didnt have much to worry about and I worked really hard to be happy. My english teached called me a disney princess and my CP chem teacher called me his social butterfly. I loved people and life and just wanted things to be good.

And life happens. It gets hard and scary. You have your heart broken a few times. The world starts crumbling. You begin to doubt your self worth. You feel alone.

Some people retreat in order to survive.

I know that for me, I definitely retreated some. I had to just plug along hoping that with time and some effort, things would work out and change for the better. And they did. And then infertility happened. And that changed me. It changed my perspective on things. And Nash came along. And that changed me. For the better. And then Jace's addiction came to light, and that REALLY changed me. First for worse, and now I believe for the better. I'm a more aware person, who really just believes in total and complete HONESTY now. For better or worse, the truth is the best thing.

Through it all, i've found myself not the same girl that I was in high school. Life has changed me. And thats okay. You are supposed to change as life goes on and circumstances happen. What helps me is looking at it through this imagery of a song:

http://www.allthelyrics.com/lyrics/doug_walker/stones_in_the_river-lyrics-1249113.html#ixzz4KRvojUju
like stones in the river
we are tossed and turned
when the current moves so strong
stones in living waters over time
are shaped until the edges are gone
polished and smooth, that's what we will be
if we put ourselves in god's hands
each day of our lives is a gift from the giver
to smooth all the edges
like stones in the river

I am making an effort to be more happy. To find the good in my days. I promise I am. And I'm really sorry to anyone reading this who thinks that I'm just a depressing soul whom they pity. Because that is not who I am.

I am a woman who is imperfect; going through hard things. But I also am a daughter of God, a mother, a wife, a business owner, and I'd like to think I'm working on becoming a better friend as well.

**also, since its friday I'll leave you with a "friday funny"--my son is really in to "An Extremely Goofy Movie" on netflix. I went in to get him up for the day this morning and he exclaimed: "Shake your groove thing momma!"

HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE!

Triggers and Overload

I havent talked about Jace's addiction recovery or mine for that matter for awhile.

its not that i have a hard time talking about it, but most people cant really understand. 

That makes it difficult.

Jace is doing well with his sobriety. I dont know how many days he has for sure, but I know its been a few months. We are getting better at doing the little things that will help keep our marriage alive. Not great, but its a work in progress. We havent seen our therapist in a while now, we've been so busy with our work, Nash, and then family vacations that there hasnt seemed to be time. Which isnt good. The more we are away from therapy/meetings/sponsors the harder it is to continue to fight this toxic thing.

I find myself getting triggered with conversations of others. 

I'm tired of how the world has warped peoples thinking. I'm tired of family members not really understanding the severity of Jace's addiction and what that means to our marriage/family. No one takes it as an actual problem. People have rolled their eyes when we say that Jace has a Pornography addiction...like its not a real thing.

I'm tired of people thinking that its okay to dress immodestly, skimpily, heavily altered...because I know for a fact that they are helping cause a problem for those in addiction. I'm tired of people being okay with that--and judging YOU if you disagree! My gosh. I dont want to be looking at your butt, your breasts, or your stomach, And I sure as heck dont want my husband WHO IS IN RECOVERY, looking at you either, making it difficult for him to remain in a good mindset.

Your 14 year old should not look like she is 20, with her padded bras, plastic surgery, makeup, and too grown up clothes.

 I'm sick of celebrities dressing (ha!) in nothing. Christina Agularia? I no longer will watch the Voice because she dresses so skimpily and has her breasts hanging out. In my mind, she looks alot like the prostitutes on "Pretty Woman".

I'm in the fashion/beauty industry as a cosmetologist...and I now hate it. I had magazine subscriptions for my clients, but I've now canceled them. I allowed soft core porn (in some cases) and garbage into my home where my addict husband lives!! Where my son is. I paid for it! UGH. I followed a bunch of stylists on Instagram and Facebook to keep up to date on styles and trends to stay in the game. I unfollowed them. They were showing great work on the head of the client, while the body of the client was scantily dressed.

 I'm tired of all the soft core porn out there (or not so soft) in the image of books or movies or magazines. (Game of Thrones, 50 Shades of Grey, etc)

Recently, I found myself in the middle of conversations (just listening) and almost every single one was making my pistons fire..."trigger, trigger, WHOA i dont agree with that...trigger." I had to remove myself multiple times. I finally got overloaded. I exploded my feelings on my husband and sobbed. 

I'm tired of the world we live in, and that it is just SO HARD. I'm tired of not feeling like there is enough support, especially in regards to Pornography Addictions. 

Its a real thing people. Its not okay. Its damaging. Its life altering--and not in a good way. Betrayal trauma is real. Its damaging, life altering, unpredictable, and scary. 

We all need to stand up and take back the world we live in. Satan has too firm a grasp on things and we've become desensitized. Enough is enough. No more.

When you know better.

Addiction recovery is HARD.

I really cant form into words how hard it is. Addiction seeps into every faucet of your life.
Your past, present, and future.
Its all touched. Plagued by this vile thing.

I have done so much research, so much reading, and so much reaching out in recovery groups in the last year. And yet, I still sit everyday in bewilderment that THIS IS NOW MY LIFE.

Jace is doing well. He meets with his sponsor once a week and goes to 12 step meetings once a week. However the LITTLE things have been slipping through both of our fingers.

Prayer (together), Scripture study (together), temple sessions, and date nights. Its all hard.

And you know why?

Because satan is real. He is real and he is a real pain. I'm not going to get vulgar here but i wish he would just go away. He is attacking people left and right. Making them miserable. Wearing them down. Making them feel hopeless. Trying with all his might to make us give up.

Give up on recovery, give up on our marriage, give up on ourselves.

And you think it wouldnt be so easy for him to sway you when you know better.

You know who he is, why he does the things he does, and that he is attacking you.

And yet...you let him get to you.

Last night was another "why is this so hard, and is it ever going to get better" kind of nights. They are not uncommon to us. We feel like we are spinning our wheels in alot of regards. We know we love each other, but trust was shattered. How do you continue to work towards something, when you dont know what you are working towards looks like?

I hate this. I hate that this is my life. I hate that satan keeps being able to touch something that he has NO right to.

I know better than this.

Letting go.

It takes so much effort to hold on to something.

Somethings are worth that effort: faith, family, etc.

Others are not: worry, fear, etc.

Over the last few weeks, our therapist gave us some homework. In our last session we talked about how because of jace's addiction (or the revelation of said addiction), my fear (that i keep pretty well hidden) was let loose. Addiction touches every part of your life...it spiderwebs out like a cracked window....strings to the past, present, and stretching out into the future. Everything...is broken. Tainted. And what happens is that fear escalates things. Our therapist called it the spider on the floor or the tiger in the grass. You know its there...but what ELSE is lurking? How else can I be hurt? And then the floodgates open.

Betrayal trauma. Its insanely difficult to describe unless you have gone through it personally. 

"Betrayal trauma is a condition that parallels the symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and is caused when someone experiences betrayal and deception within their primary relationship; this betrayal damages the trust and safety of the relationship and calls into question the bond they have with their partner.

If you have been betrayed by your spouse through pornography use or infidelity, you may experience tremendous anxiety, high stress, fatigue, depression, despair, grief, fear, and other serious symptoms."

So now I have real fear because of something that happened that I had no control over, I now have real fear because I cant control my husband seeking recovery or how well that recovery goes, and I have real fear that he will relapse and we will continue going through this same hell on earth.

So the homework we were given...I was to openly express my feelings. Jace was to frequently ask how my fear was. Jace struggles to communicate, and my feelings are escalated. It didnt seem to be going well. 

We had a few things that happened that made things a little better though. His sponsor (an addict in recovery) came to our house to meet me and talk with us both. He wasnt there to teach ME because that isnt his place. But he facilitated another honest conversation in between our therapy sessions. It generated painful (hard, not hurtful) conversations between jace and I. "Brutal honesty". 

I have been working really hard on ME. Because of the fear that I now have, its REALLY hard to let go of all the anger I have felt towards Jace. And everything I'm feeling is completely justified. Literally every person has said so. All the books, multiple therapists, our bishop, Jace's sponsor, and Jace himself. I know that what I'm feeling is part of the trauma I've gone through.

 I also know that I have to feel that AND THEN MOVE FORWARD so I can heal and recover myself. 

WHICH IS HARD!!!!

But i'm working on it. I believe the Lord is working within me and making things clearer to navigate. 

And today we had another therapy session. It was the best one so far. It was very promising. 

Its nice to not feel like I'm just floating in a deep pit of despair and anger. 

Now we have new homework. We'll see how this one goes, because its going to get REAL uncomfortable with sharing, communicating, and connecting. I'll be interested to see how we do.

When the truth comes out...

Since letting friends and family know what is going on in our life with Jace's addiction and the subsequent turmoil that comes with that, its been interesting to see who really cares about us and our future/marriage. And how vocal people are about the subject.

I've had many people, friends and family and some acquaintances even, reach out to send their love, support, prayers, and testimonies.

But what has been even more interesting is watching the other end of the spectrum. I shared something so beyond personal and painful...and yet people feel the need to lash out, be unsupportive, go the extreme in telling me that this is my fault and that i'm shaming my husband. And these are people that I thought loved me, cared about me, and cared and were supportive in mine and jace's marriage succeeding. Can you believe people want my marriage to fail?

I couldn't.

This experience truly IS the hardest thing I've been through. My husband would say the same for him. My bishop called this a trial of faith. And boy, I have felt that faith tested. I'm grateful to know that I have a loving Heavenly Father and that He is there for me, especially after learning of others who are not there for me. I'm not grateful for this experience now...but someday, once i'm on the other side of this...i'm sure I will be. 

For now, I'm glad to know where I stand with certain people. I dont need the negativity of their opinions to weigh on me, when I really am fighting for my marriage. I'm the one who is still here, I'm the one who is literally fighting against fear, trauma (its called betrayal trauma in case you were wondering. its real, linked to be similar to PTSD, and I recommend looking it up), and anxiety. I've always struggled with anxiety, and my husbands addiction has just made it skyrocket. I'm the one who got us into a great therapist, and WE (my husband and I) are fighting for our forever. Jace is doing his fair share of fighting against Satan and his followers as well. This world we live in now, is just so full of horrible, ugly, and addictive things. Its a constant battle.

So, if you are one of those who is unsupportive of me and my marriage succeeding, then please, stop reading my blog. Unfollow me from Instagram and Facebook. I have no need for someone, who is fighting against something that God Himself wants to see succeed, to be in my life in ANY part.

I want the other people in my life, who have reached out, lended support/listening ear/hugs/articles/ and hope....THANK YOU. It means more than you'll ever have any clue.

And for those wondering...Jace and I are doing much better. There is still a LONG road ahead...and this is something that is a LIFELONG battle...but there IS hope. We can feel it. 

Right now.

Oh boy.

I'm not the most eloquent person. I'm not a professional writer. This blog doesn't make money. I write here for 2 reasons: as a part of therapy, a way to get my emotions out; and as a way to journal my life. I have hand written journals, but the computer is a much faster way for me to say what I want to say. I dont only document happy moments...because life isn't made up of just happy moments. I want anyone who reads this to understand something...my life is hard right now. I'm well aware of that. But I do try to find multiple moments of happiness daily. My life is hard, but its my life. And my life is a gift from God and I'm going to do my best to be appreciative of that gift.

Since learning of Jace's addiction a year ago (this week)...my life completely changed. I dont know how to explain it properly, especially to people who haven't experienced this kind of betrayal trauma or to people who dont understand how utterly devastating a pornography addiction is.

You would be surprised to know that most people think that us wives of pornography addicts (WOPAs) are crazy, emotional, unstable, stupid, ridiculous, etc. etc. etc. The world has normalized porn. Its a joke to people, that people would be upset by it. People don't think that its an actual addiction. Anyone who thinks this way is so beyond wrong. Study after study is showing how harmful a pornography addiction is now...TIME magazine just did a whole spread on it. It got brought up on the view recently, and in the news with Utah's governor signing a new resolution: " Utah Gov. Gary Herbert will sign a resolution declaring pornography a "public health crisis" at the Utah state capitol today.The resolution was introduced by Republican state Senator Todd Weiler in January 2015, to battle the “pornography epidemic harming” the state and the country."--that was from USA today.

USA today article

I'm not going to get into jace's addiction...maybe one day if he's comfortable I'll have him write a post. But I'm going to re-itterate that the addiction started WAY before me. However, with the discovery of the addiction...it completely changes...everything. I mean, our entire marriage, our entire relationship was built on lies, upon lies, upon lies. Jace was cheating on me with images and videos and what have you. Hearing that...realizing what was going on in your own home behind your back... it makes you feel stupid. Dirty. Angry. Worthless.

My married life up to this point was a lie...and now my future is unclear. Where there once was a general outline (nothing too stable, because life has a way of not working how you thought ie:infertility) now there was NOTHING. My husband was a stranger to me. The foundation I thought we had built upon was condemned and torn down. We started rebuilding and then he relapsed and that foundation crumbled again. Its been 2 months now. And last week Jace told me that he acted out, very purposefully, and had been lying to me (lie of omission) for 3 weeks. 

I am in a state of shock. My life is in a state of flux. Jace has to make a very important decision: its the addiction or your family. You fight for us. You fight even if it kills you, to keep us. Or you let us go. Both are hard and scary pills to swallow. 

My life was not supposed to be this way. I was supposed to find a man who actually REALLY loved me...who would treat me as his queen. I would be faithful, loyal, and loving. I was to become a mother and raise my children to be God-fearing, serviceable people. I was to be happy.

Right now...all of that feels unobtainable. My mother told me the other day that there is a time and a season for everyone. My time, right now, is to go through this horrific trial. My bishop called it a trial of faith. I'm working really hard to find the good that is floating in the junk...but its a daily struggle. 

Right now...i'm surviving. That's literally all I can say. I take care of Nash all day (who is so energetic and tiring, but also sweet and cute and my miracle in all of this), and I take care of my business and our finances. However, my anxiety comes rearing most days and I feel stuck. I stare at my messy house...all the toys that Nash gets out and we play with, the cups of water he spills everywhere because he has to be independent, the dishes that are piled nice and high in my sink because standing at the sink doing them while my child is making a mess unsupervised churns my stomach (last time i did that he drew all over my kitchen floor with a crayon)...I cant find the motivation to do anything. At night, i struggle to sleep...my husband and I are still separated and I'm alone...then I'm plagued with thoughts and horrible dreams in relation to his addiction. If i'm lucky, my son will sleep, but lately he's been sick so i'm up multiple times a night with him and then up early for the day. 

Its hard to see my future right now. The 'right now' is a hard place to be in...because my 'right now' is not necessarily happy. But I hope and pray with all my might that my 'right now' will run its course and I get to move past it into my future. Oh my, how I pray for that day.

Snow-balling

I hate when you have some really frustrating things going on in your life that others seem to follow right behind it and snowball.

The past year, i have felt that my life has been one big snowball. 

The house buying, the moving, the sickness, the addiction reveal, the lonely nights, the heartbroken days, the starting a new business, the sickness for months on end, the toddler who still wont sleep, the relapse, more heartbroken and lonely nights, stressed so much my blood pressure started to spike...etc.

We did our taxes with our long time CPA March 8th. Turns out we were getting a fair chunk of money back. And to be honest, it has been NEEDED. The roof in our house needs to be replaced, we need a new hot water heater, and it would be nice to put a chunk down on debt. 

That was the ONE piece of news that felt like the snowball was melting.

And that was a month ago. A FREAKING MONTH. 

I had been trying to get ahold of my CPA in the last week to ask what the heck was going on and they were so swamped that I didnt hear back from them. My frustration rose, my stress rose, and I called that office like 15 times in 3 days. FINALLY found out what happened. 

There was a check that came in for Jace from a lawsuit that PapaJohns went through. Since Jace had worked for them at the time, he got a $100 check from them. It also had a tax form to take in with you. So i included that in our taxes, and apparently it was for 2016's taxes since the check came in 2016. So the IRS denied our whole refund because of a stupid paper. 

Its being handled...now. But that was like the last thing I needed. I'm also retraining Nash on how to sleep, but now I'm having a hard time falling asleep. But man. This tax thing. I had a nightmare about it last night...that our water heater finally went poof! and we didnt have the return to pay for it. The things that become nightmares as you get older...

Shattered Sight

**WARNING. THIS POST IS VERY REAL. IT CONTAINS VERY FRAGILE FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS. IT MIGHT "TRIGGER" SOME OF YOU, AND IF THAT IS THE CASE, PLEASE STOP READING.**


There was a once upon a time episode that had a spell called "shattered sight". The spell was to bring out the worst in you so you destroyed one another; even (or especially) the people you loved. Sounds silly to bring up, but there is a reason I did. 

This is a hard post for me to write. Much harder than writing the post about the antidepressants i was on, or my infertility posts. Since this is the internet, i'm never sure how much to share or not. I use this as my journal so I feel the need to write. Maybe its because i'm meant to help someone else...or maybe this will be a step for healing for me. I hope that I eventually end up posting this. Maybe I'll chicken out. In case I do post this, this was written February 16th 2016.

My name is Andrea and my husband is a porn addict.

**sidenote for anyone reading that may be getting "up in my grill" about posting this...I asked my husband and he gave me permission. If you dont want to read it, then stop now and please dont leave me angry comments. Thank you.**

I found out last April, right after we moved into our new home. I've alluded to the fact that I was going through tough things, that my husband had an addiction. Well, there it is. A porn addiction.

My world was shattered. I never in a million years would have guessed that Jace was living a double life. I would never have guessed that Satan had taken hold of Jace and that Jace was lying to me and bringing vile things into our home. However, the longer we were married, the more distant or angry Jace would become. He told me a few times that it was my fault that he was angry and that I was smothering him. Now I know that he felt extreme guilt over what he had been doing and I was a reminder of that--so he resented me for it. Isnt that ironic? I do want to include that Jace was not promiscuous with other women in person (there was no physical cheating).

I found out on a Sunday afternoon while we were watching a stupid TV show. They mentioned porn and I, confidently, said that I didn't have to worry about that. Jace was quiet. I pressed. and pressed and pressed and then got very upset with his evasiveness. Finally, he admitted that he had had a pornography addiction since he was a young teenager. He struggled with masturbation as well. He continued it after the mission, after our temple marriage, through my fertility struggle, and still after Nash was born and we moved into our new home. :(

So much finally made sense. Why he would act a certain way, or a respond a certain way in the past and present. Why he was so isolated and angry. Why he did this or that. Pieces to the puzzle fell into place. And I was crushed. Those first 3 months were HARD. And by hard, i mean truly awful and painful. My heart was literally shattered. Jace spent 2 months on the couch. He started the church's 90 day recovery program, weekly SA meetings, and weekly meetings with his sponsor. He and I both went to see a therapist. It was good in the sense that Jace finally, after more than half of his life, opened up about things and how this addiction started. The program was wonderful because it made him evaluate himself on a daily basis. HE WAS TRYING. And that made a huge difference for me. Seeing him try made me feel like we could get through this together.

It had taken 8 months, but I finally felt my trust in him restoring. I had stopped worrying about what he was looking at on his phone, I wasn't pestering him about writing in his journal or making him talk to his sponsor. I had stopped crying myself to sleep MONTHS ago. We finally were at a place that we started talking about having another baby.

And then today happened. 

I had a good day. I got up early, took care of Nash, got dressed, did my hair and makeup and went visiting teaching. I came home and Jace was needlessly angry when I asked him why he did something they way he did it. (Granted, i approached it from an agitated stance than necessary). He yelled at me, I got angry and frustrated and so I decided to load Nash up and run some errands to give him space and BONUS, get things accomplished. I came home and Jace was doing yard work, so I took care of the groceries and Nash, and then started cleaning the house. Then Jace pulled me outside to talk.

He relapsed while Nash and I left the house today.

........WHAT?

I'm going through so many up and down emotions. 

I'm sorry for him. I'm sorry he has let Satan get a hold on him. I'm sorry that he threw away almost a YEAR of sobriety. I'm sorry for Nash.

 I'm sorry Nash has to have this as part of his life at so young of an age. I'm sorry Nash sees us yelling at one another, and I'm sorry Nash sees me cry so much. He doesn't understand it, and comes up to me crying while I'm crying and asks if I'm okay. Which makes me feel awful.

I feel worthless. I feel like Jace is choosing THAT life, a FAKE life, a life of pain and seclusion over me. I feel not good enough. I feel dirty. I feel a little lost. I feel angry. I feel lonely, empty, and discouraged. I feel sad and heartbroken the most though.

This relapse hurts more than the initial disclosure did. I thought long and hard about it and I figured out why. Last April when I first found out, I knew that he had had the problem LONG before he met me. Once I found out, I was devastated, understandably, but we made a promise to work on it together. And we did. We jumped through the hoops, crawled through the muck, and were on the same path--a good path. When he made the conscious decision to relapse, he broke my heart wide open. To me that said that my help wasnt enough, my support wasnt enough....I WASNT ENOUGH. He promised me things, and then broke those. For instant gratification that produced immense pain, guilt, anger, and shame. 

I don't know where we are going from here. I do know of 3 things. I absolutely, without question, HATE this vile, evil thing that has been brought into my life and home; I am fed up with the world and how commonplace and acceptable they have made pornography and masturbation. I dont have patience for inappropriate jokes and innuendos anymore. I hate the video game industry for the slutty graphic images and vulgar language; and I will do EVERYTHING in my power to provide knowledge and safety for Nash when it comes to pornography.

I will get through this.
I will protect myself and my family.
I will not let Satan win.

Trying to find some peace