This THING that is now part of my life because of someone else's addiction.
Most days lately, i've been too busy/worried about other things, to notice or focus on how i'm doing in terms of my betrayal trauma.
And then BAM! Something stupid or small triggers ALL the emotions.
My brother is still in the hospital, my cousins husband just died, i'm crazy busy with work, i'm behind on my editing since my computer was in the shop, i don't feel great, nash is sick, and i haven't slept in 72 hours (basically). I was supposed to have my first ever night away from nash over our anniversary, but my brother being in the ICU put a damper on that.
My husband was trying to say the right thing on the phone today, but he was saying the wrong things. He said "well since you don't have shoots today you can relax, that's nice".
And that's what pushed me over the edge.
WHAT RELAXING?! I haven't slept in days--you have.
I don't have a minute to myself all day--you do.
Even if I get to leave the house, i'm either running errands for our family while toting a 2 year old around OR i'm rushing to a photo shoot to work and then rushing back.
During Nashs "naptime" (if i'm lucky that day), I'm working. I'm doing laundry, or having a newborn photo shoot in the living room. I'm editing pictures or doing dishes.
THERE IS NO DOWN TIME.
A very important part of betrayal trauma recovery is called "Self Care". Its important in everyday life too, and I suck at it. I always put someone or something else above me and my needs. It doesn't help that Jace is NEVER home and I don't get to have my husband "take the kids so I can do what i need to".
I almost threw my back out the other day, my shoulders have disappeared under a mountain of knots, and i'm having pretty bad headaches most days. My body is quite literally telling me that I need to practice some self care and I'm too busy to do it. :(