Moving Forward

Woo boy. August was the literal WORST.

We started online school the same day that I had my IVF transfer. I was on bed rest and then sick or sore (oh how sore!) from all the meds and shots that I had to do everyday. I was crampy and nauseous (all good signs indicating pregnancy), I lost 5 pounds (I lose weight at the beginning of my pregnancies). 

Then 12 days after that we found out that we lost our babies. 4 days after that we had a conversation with our doctor who told us that we had been pregnant and that i will be miscarrying those babies in the next week or so. 

I miscarried our babies.

All the while still homeschooling, and working.

Then we reached out to discuss another transfer. My IVF coordinator Daina set it up. Our next transfer is scheduled for October. I have to be on birth control pills and other meds while we monitor my lining and other things leading up to it. 

We are nervous.

But we are ready to move forward.

We don't want to be stuck in the sad. In the what ifs. We have more embryos waiting. Its time to keep going.

I'm also really ready for school to start back up again, even for 2 days a week (which is their modified schedule). Everyone in the freaking state has started back up already...why not us?! People are doing Prenda schools--no masks, kids together. Our numbers are going down, not up.

The CDC released information basically owning up to numbers being inflated. Covid is real (our net door neighbor KaraLyn is a nurse had it, so did our neighbors Gary LeSeuer, and Lana Stradling, and Shelice Millett) but its not as deadly for the general population as they have made it out to be. People have lost their livelihoods, the world is in complete chaos, places like New York and California are STILL under lock down 6 MONTHS INTO THIS. 

We are ready to move forward. Yes, our lives will never be the same, but we are ready for our new normal and for people to stop acting how they are acting. We are ready for the election to be over in November so the Democrats and Republicans stop using the American people as their puppets. 

We are ready to move forward past all the blazing HOT weather we are having. Arizona has broken all sorts of records on how many days in a row we have had temps over 110. We have basically not had any monsoon rains.

September in our house is better known as "Sucktember" and I really hope that that doesn't hold up this year. August was sucky, I don't need September to be as well.

Transfer day!!

I passed my 3rd test!! 

4 days ago, I started my new protocol. I now take progesterone cream twice a day and jace has to give me a large shot in my butt of progesterone in oil, plus the estradiol pills twice a day and the estrace cream at night PLUS all of my other pills and supplements. 

shwew. 

I'm constantly sore, and my body has changed thanks to the bloating and swelling from the meds. 

I've done the progesterone shots to jump start my period before, but i'm doing these every day and I have never been more sore. Laying down and rolling over is ROUGH.

My hormones have definitely shifted...my patience level is at a 0. 

We got our for sure transfer date for our sweet embryos! August 5th! 

I'm so excited, nervous, tired, sore, anxious...all of the things!

Also, Nash starts online school tomorrow (day before my transfer...) We will see how it goes! 

IVF

Wow.

Every time I think that there can NOT be possibly more information to take on in regards to fertility, I AM MISTAKEN!

For you women who can get pregnant and not think about it, I feel it would truly blow your mind. I have been going through infertility for 8 years, and treatments for 7 AND I'M CONSTANTLY BLOWN AWAY.

The amount of medications, the amount of doctors appointments, the decisions, the financial burden...its all truly astronomical.

I am starting preparing my body for my embryo transfer, whereby i will (God willing) be pregnant. I'm on so many pills and supplements already. I just picked up my meds for the next 4 weeks...totaling almost $2,000 and it fills my kitchen counter. I will have 4 different alarms set for different medications every SINGLE day. Some meds do the same thing, but cant be taken at the same time, or in the same vein. So like, in the AM and PM i'll be doing pills of one medication, but also right before bed I'll be using a vaginal cream. SAME TYPE OF MEDICATION. Its just crazy town. I will be giving myself shots again and I will be doing upwards of 3 different injections PLUS all the pills and creams almost every single day.

I AM OVERWHELMED.

Plus, while I'm preparing my body for transfer, you have "check in" appointments, where they draw blood, do ultrasounds, tests to make sure my uterus is open (no freaking polyps please!), and scratch the heck out of my lining so the embryo has a nice soft pillow to bury itself into.

I've passed 2 out of 3 tests so far, clearing me for my transfer date.

Please pray for us, for me, and for our embryos!! We are so ready for this part of this journey to be done and move onto the next!!

Covid19

I've been thinking about, processing, dealing with, etc for now 12 weeks about the novel coronavirus--covid19.

TWELVE WEEKS. 3 months.

That is how long I've had Nash home 24/7. That is how long we have been in "quarantine".

My mother keeps saying that I need "to write it all down. my kids and grandkids will want to know." but honestly, its felt so very overwhelming I didnt know where to start. And honestly, I still dont. There is so much that wont be said...mostly because its been so much that I cant remember it all.

A short breakdown: A horrible virus "escaped" from a lab in Wuhan China. Chinese officials lied about how many got sick and how many were dying. The WHO also didnt report real numbers. This virus attacks the respiratory system and especially in those with weakened immune systems, or those who have pre-existing conditions. However, it doesnt care who it infects. The elderly, men, women, children....healthy, pre-existing conditions, what have you. So many thousands have died. It has affected so many different nations.

The world as a whole was on lockdown trying to slow the spread of this virus.

Our president shut down our borders, no one in or out.

We were asked to stay in our homes and quarantine. Businesses were shut down, doors locked. Unless you were essential...thankfully Jace works for the bank...which was essential. We were not left without income. However, my photography business was shuttered for 2 months. I'm just barely getting it back up and running. Jace was now working from home...to make sure we werent being exposed.

We have my parents and randy especially who would not survive if he contracted this. We have been very careful.

I had a sinus infection and needed to get antibiotics from my doctor at the start of all this. I was asked to wear a mask (we all were later on), wait in my car while they prepared a special room for me, I was taken in a back door to avoid everyone else ::in case:: my symptoms were that of covid. They werent....it was a sinus infection.

You were/are still supposed to be shopping once a week. One person in a mask, once a week to limit exposure. People freaked out and bought everything. It was hard to find food and supplies for almost 2 months. Now we know why our church leaders have been telling us to have a supply of food on hand...a year is best, but at minimum a 3 month supply. I was doing the shopping for my family and my parents so they didnt have exposure. Milk was limited to 1 gallon a person (if you could find it). The stores 3 months later are just starting to have bleach and toilet paper on their shelves. They still arent stocked but they are starting to be signs of things coming back. Cleaning supplies, hand sanitizer, frozen foods, meat, bread, milk, eggs, and ANY paper goods--plates, TP, paper towels, etc, FLOUR, sugar, salt, rice....all of that has been GONE. I have been lucky and found some TP here and there....finally found some flour at costco and some rice at Frys. Everything has been piece meal. It has been truly crazy.

Through the craziness of the food shortage...I never felt panic though. We had enough. We would be okay. And we have been. Its all about having Faith over Fear. I have trusted in my Heavenly Father and we have been blessed.

I have been doing my best to reach out and minister to our families. I have been baking bread and sharing it.

We planted a garden with our tax return this year. It happened right after quarantine. We have been wanting to and this got our butts in gear. We have already harvested some radishes. We have a head of lettuce growing, a couple of carrots, radishes, some sweet peas, some broccoli, some bell pepper plants (with one pepper), a cherry tomato plant, and some watermelon. It has been trial and error and I think i've finally figured it out. We installed a drip system and its nice to not have to go out and water twice a day. Nash planted some flowers from seeds and they are starting to bloom. He is over the moon.

(planted March 31st 2020)

(planted March 31st 2020)

School was cancelled immediately. I became a homeschool mom with someone elses curriculum. The school adjusted as best as possible with online learning. It was trippy. We would go get lunch a couple days a week at the school, even though we couldnt get out of the car or see anyone really, it was a chance to get out of the house. I cried one of the times I got to go get some groceries for pick up. I miss having anytime of quiet now.

(our homeschool set up)

My anxiety has been up and down and up and down. Through all of this though, I have been honest with Nash in the simplest way without adding fear. He understands that he cant see his friends, or go to school, go to church, play coach pitch, go to his singing class, or even hang out at his grandparents, because we want to keep everyone as safe as possible. He knows that this virus is killing people. He knows that momma and daddy want him safe and healthy.

All of our temples and church houses were closed. What a weird and scary time. We had General Conference at home broadcasted as usual, but the only people allowed during conference were those speaking. The music was pre-recorded. The brethren were sitting 6 feet apart in social distancing standards. President Nelson announced a new symbol for our church. And new temples. And his love and faith that everything will be okay.  We also got to participate in a Hosanna Shout. Nash's first. And we were invited to participate in a WORLD WIDE fast. <3 nbsp="" p="">

We have been able to have Sacrament meeting in our home and that has been special. I hope Nash always remembers that. All missionaries were sent back to their home countries. Some are finally getting reassigned within their home countries.

My business was able to officially open March 18th with new policies due to covid19.
Some businesses arent open yet in the country. Everyone is having to open in phases.

Schools for Arizona announced yesterday that they will reopen in the fall, but there will be major changes. We are supposed to hear what that means in June. I am nervous.

Nash asked when we will get back to normal. I told him that we will never go back to what was his normal. Things will be new. We will deal with and adapt as best as we can.

My fertility doctor called and since Arizona is opening things up, we can resume with our IVF plans. Its happening and its scary and we are in a scary time, but I'm not waiting. Faith over Fear. Its been our motto and will continue to be so.

Our Journey Part Dos...2020

I cant believe this. I cant believe this. I cant believe this.

I have been in such a state of grief...its hard to write this post.

Towards the end of February as I mentioned, we met back up with Dr. Craig to discuss IVF. He had me get a progesterone shot that day to start a period and start a cycle with meds as a "baseline" or maybe for an IUI should we get some good follicles.

It took me a little longer than normal to start a period. But I did. And I started all my meds. I was to go in on Day 9 for my "10 day ultrasound" and an HSG ultrasound making sure my tubes were clear. The regular ultrasound was to be first.

I had been trying not to get my hopes up, seeing as last year i basically produced nothing after the first month of trying.

She started the ultrasound and I STARED AT THE SCREEN IN COMPLETE SHOCK. My ovaries were double their size FULL of giant follicles! The ultrasound tech was blown away. I mean, she stopped counting after she found 30 mature follicles. Close to 20 is the goal, and I had 4 measuring at 20,20,20,21! I knew that an IUI would be out of the question...last year in Feb I had 12 and it was a no-go. So I looked at her excited and said, we are ready to move forward with IVF!

She had to talk to the Dr. and I went into the waiting room to talk to Jace. I told him excitedly how many follicles and he was on his way to the doctor to see what was next. As soon as I got off the phone with him, they called me back into a room. The ultrasound tech said, "So...you see...no one is going to be here next week starting today, so we cant take a collection and there wont be anyone here to watch the embryos." I was DUMBFOUNDED. I was in shock. You mean to tell me, I have all of these follicles, my body FINALLY didnt let me down--it did exactly what we wanted, we are mentally and financially prepared to go forward with IVF and you are telling me THAT I CANT BECAUSE YOU ARE LETTING EVERYONE IN THE LAB GO ON SPRING BREAK?! I lost it. Started crying. This cute nurse, who has been with us since we started trying for NASH stayed with me. I just didnt know what to do or say and I was literally about to have a full on break down. I needed to get out of there. So I did. I called Jace in the parking lot unable to talk. He was on his way to me.

He opened my car door where I was inside literally having a panic attack and full scale meltdown. I threw myself at him and just sobbed and sobbed. He had us go back in to talk to the nurse so she could explain it to him. Nothing changed of course with that other than he started crying and we got the nurse crying too. Nothing like ruining everyone's day.

So, now I wait. I wait to start a period, which will be painful because of all the follicles. I will have to have excess cysts drained (no idea what that means or what goes into it) and we will have to start all over.

One of the worst parts of all of this is that all year in 2019 we prayed and prayed and fasted and prayed to know the direction in which to go. Is this the right course of action? Should we stay with Dr. Craig? Do we keep going with IUI's? Do we try IVF? Are we supposed to stop trying to have more kids?

And the only answer we felt we received was that we were not done with having kids and that it wasnt time to look at adoption. Thats it.

So this year, we continued praying, but also said, we are going to move forward with this and make this happen (IVF financially speaking), please let us know if this is the right move. AND ON DAY 9 my ovaries exploded. It felt like Heavenly Father finally was answering me. And then because of a HORRIBLE miscommunication from my Doctor to me and them just assuming my body wasnt going to produce that I missed out on this.

I am grieving the loss of my future. I had possible and PROBABLE multiple children in this cycle. And they were taken away.

I will get through this. We will get through this. Things are just painful right now. I am angry and devastated and miserable and tired.

Wellp.

So...my last published post was in June of last year. THAT IS ALMOST  A FULL YEAR AGO.

Shame on my journal game.

Well...there really is no way to play catch up. I will do a quick summary of the end of our year in 2019 and beginning of 2020.

In July we splurged and went with my family to Bigfork Montana to see my grandparents. Nash had never met them and the last time I had seen them in person, I announced my pregnancy with him. I missed them. My grandparents are getting older now and their memories are fading a bit. I wanted Nash to know them. Wanted him to remember how my grandma flo puttered around her gorgeous yard and took care of the plants. How my grandpa lee smells and how much he loves seeing his family enjoy his home. Wanted Nash to see my very favorite place on earth that houses so many wonderful memories for me. Before things change. I'm now crying just by writing those few words. I cant think of that week in Montana without being so grateful to Jace for helping to make it happen. I would never have forgiven myself if we hadn't gone.

In August Nash started Kindergarten. It was a brutal month. He cried, I cried. Everyday. We survived.

We picked up fertility treatments in September. They did not go well. Jace's sister had a baby girl.

October brought more disappointment with fertility treatments. We splurged for our 10 year anniversary and went to Boston for 5 days. The change, being kid free, forgetting for a bit about the disappointments was just what we needed. Nash stayed with my parents. He had a blast. I took a million pictures with my phone and uploaded a bunch to Instagram for my Chatbooks. Had lots of clients start up for fall minis.

November brought a "miracle cycle", meds given to us by our doctor for one more treatment. We were sure this was it for us. This was the cycle that was going to give us a shot for a baby. Guess what? It wasnt. It was a hard blow. We decided to stop all treatment and figure it out in the new year. I started detoxing off the hormones and was a wreck. I had so many clients this month. They kept me busy and I was grateful.

December was super busy as well with work. Nash started reading really well. Christmas was nice and laid back. Jace surprised me with an upgraded diamond and that was awesome. Spent lots of time as a family. Grandma Riggs passed away. That was sad. I got to see my cousins Matt, Garrett, and Richie though, and that part was nice.

January 2020 we went to the fertility doctor our insurance covers to discuss IVF. Our insurance said it would be 100% covered (not meds, but still). So we went. Turns out that 100% was a deceiving number. The lab wouldnt be covered. We would still be out well over $12K. The Dr. didnt make us feel comfortable either. The wind was taken out of our sails. I made an appointment to talk with our
"old" doctor to discuss IVF. We had to wait a month. Business was slow. I was in a weird limbo and didnt like it. I was working out everyday and watching was I was eating (on my endocrinologist's suggestions) and wasnt losing weight or changing shape. Getting depressed. Started talking with my cousin Julie about ways to fund/fund raise for IVF. Nash started in a singing group with Jenee Prince once a week.

February killed me with Nash's schedule. Half the month he was only at school for an HOUR every day. I basically lived in my car. He hated it because he didnt get to play with friends and was stuck with me all day every day. It was the worst. He did get to do a field trip to the zoo and I chaperoned. He had a blast. I got in over 14,000 steps that day. He also had his school festival and thought it was awesome. In his own words "its a day i go to school, but dont learn anything, just have fun!" Finally got in to my Dr. He was a breath of fresh air and had multiple options and suggestions (as always). He made us feel more at ease. Talked to his financial girls and found out because of all the $$$ we spent on IUI's we would get a nice little discount on IVF...making it the same cost there as at the new place that made us feel icky. Decided to stay with who we know and who gave us our little miracle 6 years ago. Signed Nash up for coach pitch to start in March. Randy spent a little over a week in the hospital with Pseudomonas.

March--we just started. Nash and I have planned out his birthday party since he is turning 6 in just a couple of weeks. We have all been sick, nash is currently on antibiotics for a sinus infection and I think I may have one too. The coronavirus is kind of scary, running rampant, and infecting everyone. Trying my best to keep my family healthy enough to get through it when it hits. Not panic-ing like lots of people or treating it like its nothing like others. I live in the middle. I'm taking meds that give me migraines and cause swelling in my extremities. Super fun. We planned to go to LA to spend time with Jeff and the girls for the last part of our Spring Break next week. We'll have to see if we will be healthy enough to go. Really could use a break and the beach sounds awesome! Jace's parents and sister and her family are coming during spring break too, so we will get to meet Jen's newest kid--little Elena.

You are now caught up. 9 months condensed pretty well. Of course there were other things that happened...some good, some bad. Life goes on. I will try to do better about posting as this is my journal. I really dont think anyone reads this anymore, so its for me and my posterity.

10 years

Jace and I celebrated 10 years of marriage this month. We had started talking about what we would do for the occasion in January when we restarted fertility treatments. We realized that if the treatments were successful (which we had completely believed they would be) I would have either just had a baby or would be hugely pregnant for our anniversary. So honestly, we hadn't planned anything.

Month after month after month of treatments--medications mostly--and my body just wouldn't cooperate. We grew increasingly frustrated and sad. I ended up in a state of depression...functioning but starting to feel hollow. I've had depression before--brought on by postpartum and Jace's addiction. But I also knew that I couldn't take medication while I was doing treatments. So I just kept powering through the disappointment.

In June, we realized that things weren't working...I was at the end of my rope and we had vacations coming up so we paused treatment. As my body weaned off the drugs, I felt a lot better and more like myself. I always forget how awful all the fertility medication makes me feel. While on vacation my body started bleeding heavily and didn't stop for over a month--I finally had to get a shot to make it stop. It was supposed to restart (due to the shot) and we would start treatment back up. I waited another month (Nash started school and IT.WAS.ROUGH.) so I decided I wasn't in a giant hurry.

During all this time, I realized that we hadn't planned anything special for our anniversary because we thought we would be getting someone special with pregnancy. We decided to be impulsive (a bit) and splurge (a lot) and do something I've always wanted and neither of us has done. We purchased non-refundable tickets and booked a nonrefundable hotel to BOSTON! I bought Amtrak tickets for our actual anniversary to go to MAINE to see the Atlantic ocean (my first time!) I was completely panicked at the thought and had to work logistics with my mother who was going to be taking care of Nash for us.

During this time I finally made another appointment with the fertility doctor and we moved forward again with treatment. We had 2 follicles that looked on track to trigger and if all worked out I would've been pregnant while on our trip. Right before we were to leave, I started inescapably bleeding...and my cycle was canceled. We decided to be done with fertility for the year. Our trip came at a really good time...It helped take our minds off of all that crap.

We left on a Sunday at 7 AM and got to Boston at 5 PM. We had so much to do and see and it was so exciting. Our hotel was literally ON the Boston Harbor--like where the Boston Tea Party was. Blew my mind. We walked all around and ended up going for Pizza in the North End to Regina's. It was a long wait and crazy crowded, but it was also good pizza! We walked back to the hotel and took a cab to a target to get 2 things (we ended up with more like every target trip!) I needed bubble bath for the soaker tub at the hotel and kerig hot chocolate cups! We also grabbed Pepsi (the east coast loves their coke products) and some snacks. We went back to the hotel and watched TV until we passed out.

Monday we slept in a little (for Boston time anyways) got up and got ready to WALK ALL DAY LONG. We walked around the harbor and down to the Boston commons and walked the freedom trail. We saw so many beautiful buildings, and fall colors starting, we saw Paul revere's statue and the old north church, we had lunch and grabbed some pastries at Mike's and relaxed for a bit back at the hotel. We then walked to the South train station and then bus station to find this sandwich shop that one of Randy's paramedics suggested. It was alright. :) We then walked around and found this cute Irish pub and went in for the live music they had going and some cake and ice cream. Our waitress was SO Irish...asking us if we wanted "a wee little something"...made me want to let her know that I'm part Irish!! Fun fact, Nash's name is a family name of mine and the Nash's (it was a surname) came from Ireland!

Tuesday was our Anniversary. I got us up at 7 Boston time (4 our time!) and we hightailed it to the North train station to make it to our 8 am train to Maine! We grabbed hot chocolates and bagels at Dunkin (on EVERY street corner!) and waited to board. Jace slept the whole 2.5 hours on the train but I didnt want to miss everything, I'm glad I didn't sleep because we went through all of New Hampshire and FALL WAS EVERYWHERE!!! The colors were amazing! We finally made it to Portland Maine and went to the Port Head Lighthouse---it was so beautiful! The ocean was...an ocean. But always beautiful ha! The weather was so freaking amazing too. We stopped at a little food truck (Bite into Maine) that our uber driver said had the best "LOBSTAH rolls" and that is what Jace was waiting for. He got one of those, I grabbed a "wicked simple grilled cheese" and we picnicked on the shore of the ocean. So fun. After awhile we grabbed another uber to Old Port where there were lots of shops and restaurants....mostly bars. We relaxed in a park and enjoyed the weather, and headed down to the docks to take videos for Nash. We hung out until we needed to get back to the train. Our ride was uneventful back to Boston but took longer than planned...and even though we ran back to our hotel, up to our room, changed, and ubered as fast as possible to the fancy restaurant we had reservations at, we were 5 min late and they gave away our spot. We found another way too expensive restaurant and ate there, then went back to top of the hub for dessert and live jazz music. It was 53 floors up and had awesome panoramic views of the city. The night ended a bit of a bummer, but the day was great.

Wednesday we slept in. We both were so sore and tired that we didn't care to move! We had to switch rooms, so we did that and then ubered to Belmont to where the temple is. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SETTING!!! Oh man. The temple was beautiful. We planned to be there for a short time, but they needed help, so we served for a lot longer than we planned. We actually served with a couple from down the street from our home in Mesa!!! What are the odds?!

We got back to Boston and decided to do dinner in Little Italy at Giacomo's--which was our favorite restaurant of the trip! It was so packed that we shared a table with a gal from Atlanta *Amber* who was by herself. It was a pleasant evening, and MAN the food was good. We walked down the street to Mike's pastry again and grabbed more cannolis and a Lobster tail. We took the "long" way home and found a green space park with swings--we hung out there for awhile. We saw rats for the first time in the city while we were there...so weird. We made hot chocolate and went out to drink it by the Harbor when it started raining on us!

Thursday was our last day. We took our time getting ready. It was supposed to be pouring rain all day, but it was just overcast and windy and drizzled a little. We left our bags with the bell hop and went to Quincy Market for lunch and to hang out until we needed to get to the airport. Jace got hot "clam chowdah" in a bread bowl and I grabbed some Mediterranean. We walked around a gigantic Christmas shop and then had to leave. I was struck with the worst migraine I had ever experienced and had to deal with it and nausea for the whole 8.5 hours home. We got in to Phoenix around 830 and grabbed Nash and took him home. Jace had work the next day, and I had to get Nash to school and be "mother helper". Friday was a rough one!

I'm so glad that Jace and I were able to take this trip. It was a whirlwind for sure, and there are some things that I wish we had more time to do but we were able to reconnect, forget about some of the hard things for a few days, and just be. We need to do that more. Maybe not on such a grand scale, but more for sure!