Our Journey Part Dos...2020

I cant believe this. I cant believe this. I cant believe this.

I have been in such a state of grief...its hard to write this post.

Towards the end of February as I mentioned, we met back up with Dr. Craig to discuss IVF. He had me get a progesterone shot that day to start a period and start a cycle with meds as a "baseline" or maybe for an IUI should we get some good follicles.

It took me a little longer than normal to start a period. But I did. And I started all my meds. I was to go in on Day 9 for my "10 day ultrasound" and an HSG ultrasound making sure my tubes were clear. The regular ultrasound was to be first.

I had been trying not to get my hopes up, seeing as last year i basically produced nothing after the first month of trying.

She started the ultrasound and I STARED AT THE SCREEN IN COMPLETE SHOCK. My ovaries were double their size FULL of giant follicles! The ultrasound tech was blown away. I mean, she stopped counting after she found 30 mature follicles. Close to 20 is the goal, and I had 4 measuring at 20,20,20,21! I knew that an IUI would be out of the question...last year in Feb I had 12 and it was a no-go. So I looked at her excited and said, we are ready to move forward with IVF!

She had to talk to the Dr. and I went into the waiting room to talk to Jace. I told him excitedly how many follicles and he was on his way to the doctor to see what was next. As soon as I got off the phone with him, they called me back into a room. The ultrasound tech said, "So...you see...no one is going to be here next week starting today, so we cant take a collection and there wont be anyone here to watch the embryos." I was DUMBFOUNDED. I was in shock. You mean to tell me, I have all of these follicles, my body FINALLY didnt let me down--it did exactly what we wanted, we are mentally and financially prepared to go forward with IVF and you are telling me THAT I CANT BECAUSE YOU ARE LETTING EVERYONE IN THE LAB GO ON SPRING BREAK?! I lost it. Started crying. This cute nurse, who has been with us since we started trying for NASH stayed with me. I just didnt know what to do or say and I was literally about to have a full on break down. I needed to get out of there. So I did. I called Jace in the parking lot unable to talk. He was on his way to me.

He opened my car door where I was inside literally having a panic attack and full scale meltdown. I threw myself at him and just sobbed and sobbed. He had us go back in to talk to the nurse so she could explain it to him. Nothing changed of course with that other than he started crying and we got the nurse crying too. Nothing like ruining everyone's day.

So, now I wait. I wait to start a period, which will be painful because of all the follicles. I will have to have excess cysts drained (no idea what that means or what goes into it) and we will have to start all over.

One of the worst parts of all of this is that all year in 2019 we prayed and prayed and fasted and prayed to know the direction in which to go. Is this the right course of action? Should we stay with Dr. Craig? Do we keep going with IUI's? Do we try IVF? Are we supposed to stop trying to have more kids?

And the only answer we felt we received was that we were not done with having kids and that it wasnt time to look at adoption. Thats it.

So this year, we continued praying, but also said, we are going to move forward with this and make this happen (IVF financially speaking), please let us know if this is the right move. AND ON DAY 9 my ovaries exploded. It felt like Heavenly Father finally was answering me. And then because of a HORRIBLE miscommunication from my Doctor to me and them just assuming my body wasnt going to produce that I missed out on this.

I am grieving the loss of my future. I had possible and PROBABLE multiple children in this cycle. And they were taken away.

I will get through this. We will get through this. Things are just painful right now. I am angry and devastated and miserable and tired.

Our Journey Part Dos....part 2 ha.

We waited for the bloodwork to reveal....we were not pregnant. The IUI failed.

ugh.

So we rounded up more money, and moved forward with another cycle.

And shots, and shots, and more shots, and hormones, and crazy things in life that happened, and so on.

Only to discover that my follicles didnt stimulate...like...at all.

ALL OF THAT MONEY AND TIME "WASTED"!

I dont remember if I shared this before or not, but EVERYTHING is out of pocket...and my hormone shots are not cheap. I felt like I had just thrown thousands of dollars into a fire and watched it burn.

Needless to say, I fell into a well of depression. I managed my life...but bare minimum. I did what I needed to for Nash, and for me to feel like I deserved HIM. But my house cleaning was neglected, I all but stopped cooking dinner for my family because I just couldnt find the energy. I stopped exercising. I had so many emotional break downs it was ridiculous. I found myself so angry. At myself and my body mostly. I was SO confused. The Lord had given us every indicator that this was the time to move forward, that it should have worked out. And it keeps NOT working out. Am I missing something? Did I not understand Him? Why wont He give me a clear answer? Have I done something wrong?

I have never been angry with God. I've never blamed Him. Still havent. I just dont understand. And I cant seem to figure out how to just keep moving forward without my heart just shattering over and over.

Nash prays for his brother to be here soon. We keep trying to explain that I'm not pregnant, but he doesnt understand. And why would he? WE barely understand.

I go off my meds again....start a period....and that is when I'd normally start all over. But I've decided to wait a little bit to talk to my doctor in person again and see what the freaking crap to do about this.

Our Journey Part Dos

This is the hashtag that I'm using to document my journey to our second baby. I had so many installations with Nash, I dont have the energy to do all of that again, so there is significantly less information I'm posting.

Steps so far in our journey:

3 IUIs that all failed in 2018 and having to stop trying when we found out I needed surgery.
Surgery.
Shots, shots, and more shots--too many follicles. Cancled cycle. Many tears.
Shots, shots, and more shots--no follicles. Canceled cycle. Many more tears.
Shots, shots, and more shots--2 follicles. IUI. Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

More waiting.

Sick with worry. Panic. Major Anxiety.

Goings on

Its MARCH!

Yay! and also how?

I thought i'd give an update here on our life ATM (at the moment). I was doing my first treatment after surgery and my ovaries OVER-reacted (get it? ha. i gotta find the humor or I'd just cry--which dont get me wrong, I totally did). I ended up with 11 or 12 follicles measuring at a 10 or higher. Which could mean that when we triggered ovulation I could get pregnant with many many babies. My doctor ran the percentages and deemed it unsafe for me so he canceled that cycle. That was a serious blow.

I have been in serious "get all this crap out of my life. it is junking it up, making me feel claustrophobic, and in my way". This happens about twice a year and I seem to be right on schedule. March and October. When I had nash and when i announced his presence to the world. Coincidence? So I've been purging. I'm sure I can do more too. Right now I'm working on the garage and getting anything baby related out and checked (its been 5 years, i mean....) Plus the 3rd bedroom we have is supposed to be a baby's room...so I'm getting that space figured. If you build it, they will come maybe?

My cousin Julie is pregnant with twins (courtesy of my fertility doctor). They are her 4th and 5th from him. She has all girls and one of the twins is a boy. So i'm going to go through all of nash's baby clothes and donate some to her. So now I've pulled them all out of the garage and it seems like a seriously daunting task. I'm going to convince my mom to help me.

Nash's 5th birthday is this month! I cant believe he is FIVE. Wow. My little guy isnt so little anymore. He asked me the other day to help teach him to be a grown up. ::ugly crying:: please never leave me. Ha.

He gets to have his first ever friend party. He chose the theme...MARIO! (But Luigi is his favorite for some unknown reason). I'm working on getting it figured out....

I have Taxes coming up and I stress the crap out because I'm the one who puts them together and I have to do it for my business too. Yeesh.

I found out a few days ago that my best friend Troy's dad passed away very unexpectedly. He went to bed and never woke up. That has been hard. The funeral is tomorrow.

That is pretty much us right now. Fertility, Nash, Cleaning, etc.

What I know

So, I wouldn't call myself an expert on anything.

I've done lots of things.

Lots of things well, and lots of things not so well.

I've learned lots.

One thing I know well (that I wish I didn't) is the horrible-ness of cancer.

When I was 5, my grandpa who I idolized, died of prostate cancer.

When I was 13, my aunt died of pancreatic cancer.

When I was 19, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She went from stage one pre-surgery to almost a stage 4 after (ended up stage 3). She almost died. She then tested positive for the ovarian cancer gene. So she had a hysterectomy so that wouldn't take her life.

When I was 22, my uncle died of cancer that was caught too late and had metastasized to his bones.

At 26, I got tested and tested positive for the same cancer gene that my mom did.

What I'm saying, is (and this is just my close family.)..cancer is a beast that is relentless.

I learned: how to be strong, when you feel weak.

I learned: how to pick up and keep going, when you feel like falling apart.

I learned: how to cope with the feeling of loss.

I learned: what it was like to watch your parent go through something that basically was killing them, in order for them to live to see you into adulthood.

I learned: to rely on faith. To drink in the hopes and prayers of others.

I watched my mother have surgery after surgery, have a double mastectomy, receive a port to have chemo, do 6 months of chemo, do weeks and weeks of radiation therapy, lose her hair, stay in bed because she was so sick, I've seen her worry and stress about "what if" something happened to her--what would happen to her kids.

I've come to know a thing or two about cancer.

Its a monster. 

Jace's oldest brother Jeff had cancer when he was a toddler. Well, we found out today that the monster has returned. This time its residing around his colon. Jeff has colon cancer. He'll go in for surgery next week, and then have 6 months of chemo (i don't know about radiation), and then another surgery later to reattach his bowels. 

This, to me, unfortunately feels routine. No one should ever feel that way about something so horrible.

But here is what I know:

God is real.

God is good.

God loves us.

The power of prayer is real.

Faith of others can carry you through.

Hope is the best medicine.

Laughter will be tough to find, but crucial.

It is OKAY to be scared.

It is OKAY to cry.

It is OKAY to worry.

And its OKAY to express how you are really feeling.

Are you down in the dumps? Does that moment in time "suck"? Say it. Are you so tired of puking your guts out and cant stand your bathroom anymore? SCREAM IT. Are you worried about your future? Voice it. 

The Lord will hear you. He will guide you. He will carry you through.

THIS is what I know.

Well this stinks.

For a long while on this blog, I was careful about what I wrote.

People never really knew what was going on FOR REAL. Things were rosy (for the most part) and I wasnt supposed to let people know when I was struggling.

Then I decided enough was enough and to open up about my infertility struggle. I do not regret this.

Since then I've expressed my feeling of inadequacy or frustration with being a mother at times. I dont regret this.

I also opened up and started talking about my husbands addiction. I also do not regret this.

Some people find it unsettling to be open and honest. Some people might not understand why you arent being more positive when you post things.

This is my journal. I print this blog up every year and this is a record of my life. I dont want to look back and think, "why did I hide this?" or have my kids think that everything was peachy and if their life isnt then something is wrong with them.

Life is messy. Its hard and frustrating and sad at times. Its also happy, and funny, and great at others. I believe in showing both sides to life.

And on that note: my journal entry for today.

I'm a photographer. I have been so busy lately and its been wonderful. I have apprecited all my clients and enjoyed my time with them. What people dont see is the countless hours I spend on their sessions. To prepare for them--scouted locations, getting babysitters, and spending time away from my son. While I am there--working with families and differing personalities to get a good shot, having different backdrops, and doing my best to be quick and efficient. And then when I get home-- the hours and hours of edited I do. During naptimes, and staying up late into the night working. Sometimes having to do edit while a certain 2 year old is bouncing on the couch next to me while rescue bots plays in the background. (I try to do my editing while nash is asleep if you cant see why!)

I put my heart and soul into each photo shoot. I pray that I will be inspired for the family and that things go well. And sometimes they dont. You have grumpy babies or young kids who dont want to be there. There is unexpected events and the clients are late and you lost alot of light. Your computer crashes and is in the shop for a week...

The past few days I have received more negative comments than I ever have before. I know you are bound to get bad reviews or grumpy people, unrealistic expectations, or not being on my A game that day. But wow. These have hurt. So many right in a row. I feel horrible.

I already struggle with self worth and feeling like I'm enough. This goes back to when I was a kid. (Thanks, therapy!) I had girls literally tell me that I wasnt good enough or cool enough or pretty enough to be their friend anymore. And they kicked me to the curb. That happened twice in elementary school. I was heartbroken. In high school, I didnt date. Not because I didnt want to, but because the boys were more interested in other girls. (my best friend being one of them). I felt like I wasnt good enough. And so on and so forth through my young adulthood until learning of Jace's addiction and the betrayal I now carry around. The same feelings applied to that. I felt worthless, less than, not important, not enough, etc.

Most days now, I dont think about that or feel that. But every now and then something happens, like all the negative feedback at once, and I feel like a wave is crashing down on me and I cant breathe. I feel paralyzed. I dont want to work, I dont want to see anyone. I believe the clients with what they said. Maybe i'm just not good enough. And what it boils down to is, maybe i'm just not enough. Period.

The intent of me writing this is not for sympathy and I really dont want anyone rolling their eyes at me. I just needed to write it. I needed a friend to listen and this empty blogger page was that friend. Tomorrow will be better.

Drowning

Not many people know this about me, but one of my most absolute fears is drowning.

Its always been weird to me, since i grew up in the water. I've always been a strong swimmer and so comfortable there. I used to pretend i was a mermaid since my mom always called me her fish.

But ever since I can remember, some of my worst dreams have revolved around me being in a lake or ocean and drowning. 

As an adult I've tried to analyze this a little, what this means for me. 

Honestly I think I fear "drowning" in the whole sense of the word. 

Have you ever felt like work kept piling up around you and you were "drowning in work"?

Have you ever felt like you over-scheduled your vacation and you were so busy running around that you forgot to enjoy the vacation?

Have you ever just been so consumed with what was going on in your life and the unknown of WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN that you felt like you were just "surviving"??

I call this drowning in my own head.

I feel like I'm in that lake or ocean, paddling along and the water keeps getting higher. The current starts pulling at me more, and I am getting exhausted.

I have overloaded myself a bit when it came to scheduling out my work schedule. I have spent so many hours talking back and forth with perspective clients, running out to photo shoots, coming home and editing...that thinking about it hurts my head. Plus, i've been putting that first lately, instead of my son. I'm not okay with that. My starting this business was to help earn an income for my family as well as to use it as a creative outlet since its a joy and passion of mine. It was never supposed to be full time or take me away so much from my child. I think I need to reevaluate things.

My brother went from being admitted to the hospital with pneumonia, to moved to ICU for a week, to being intubated twice to help him breathe, to his kidneys stopping working to where they are now discussing putting him on dialysis. If Randy goes on dialysis and it doesnt work...then they are basically saying we need to prepare for the worst. 

My mom and dad need to make some hard decisions.

I am quite literally having to think about my big brother dying. 

That has always been a reality for us, with his special needs...but we never have dwelt on it long. The thought of him not being around wasn't okay with us, we refused to think that way if we could have him longer. 

Yesterday was such a hard day. 

This morning it seems his urine output is doing better and his blood pressure is up a little since they are weaning him off his sedation. If this continues, then as far as dialysis--it wont be necessary. However, since they intubated him again, more than likely they will put a trake in, and he will have that for the rest of his life. 

But see, even thinking like that is getting ahead of myself. We aren't allowed to think more than one day at a time, because everything could change quickly. 

Life is crazy. 

And I'm talking about feeling like I'm drowning in my head. 

...Maybe I'M crazy.