Thursday, December 1, 2016

Well this stinks.

For a long while on this blog, I was careful about what I wrote.

People never really knew what was going on FOR REAL. Things were rosy (for the most part) and I wasnt supposed to let people know when I was struggling.

Then I decided enough was enough and to open up about my infertility struggle. I do not regret this.

Since then I've expressed my feeling of inadequacy or frustration with being a mother at times. I dont regret this.

I also opened up and started talking about my husbands addiction. I also do not regret this.

Some people find it unsettling to be open and honest. Some people might not understand why you arent being more positive when you post things.

This is my journal. I print this blog up every year and this is a record of my life. I dont want to look back and think, "why did I hide this?" or have my kids think that everything was peachy and if their life isnt then something is wrong with them.

Life is messy. Its hard and frustrating and sad at times. Its also happy, and funny, and great at others. I believe in showing both sides to life.

And on that note: my journal entry for today.

I'm a photographer. I have been so busy lately and its been wonderful. I have apprecited all my clients and enjoyed my time with them. What people dont see is the countless hours I spend on their sessions. To prepare for them--scouted locations, getting babysitters, and spending time away from my son. While I am there--working with families and differing personalities to get a good shot, having different backdrops, and doing my best to be quick and efficient. And then when I get home-- the hours and hours of edited I do. During naptimes, and staying up late into the night working. Sometimes having to do edit while a certain 2 year old is bouncing on the couch next to me while rescue bots plays in the background. (I try to do my editing while nash is asleep if you cant see why!)

I put my heart and soul into each photo shoot. I pray that I will be inspired for the family and that things go well. And sometimes they dont. You have grumpy babies or young kids who dont want to be there. There is unexpected events and the clients are late and you lost alot of light. Your computer crashes and is in the shop for a week...

The past few days I have received more negative comments than I ever have before. I know you are bound to get bad reviews or grumpy people, unrealistic expectations, or not being on my A game that day. But wow. These have hurt. So many right in a row. I feel horrible.

I already struggle with self worth and feeling like I'm enough. This goes back to when I was a kid. (Thanks, therapy!) I had girls literally tell me that I wasnt good enough or cool enough or pretty enough to be their friend anymore. And they kicked me to the curb. That happened twice in elementary school. I was heartbroken. In high school, I didnt date. Not because I didnt want to, but because the boys were more interested in other girls. (my best friend being one of them). I felt like I wasnt good enough. And so on and so forth through my young adulthood until learning of Jace's addiction and the betrayal I now carry around. The same feelings applied to that. I felt worthless, less than, not important, not enough, etc.

Most days now, I dont think about that or feel that. But every now and then something happens, like all the negative feedback at once, and I feel like a wave is crashing down on me and I cant breathe. I feel paralyzed. I dont want to work, I dont want to see anyone. I believe the clients with what they said. Maybe i'm just not good enough. And what it boils down to is, maybe i'm just not enough. Period.

The intent of me writing this is not for sympathy and I really dont want anyone rolling their eyes at me. I just needed to write it. I needed a friend to listen and this empty blogger page was that friend. Tomorrow will be better.

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