Sunday, June 30, 2013

He got it! He got it!

You guys! My baby brother got his mission call!!!

How in the world is he OLD enough to go on a MISSION??!! 

Geez. How old does that make ME?...never minddon't answer that. We don't need to go there.

Here is a little clip of last night...

We are so scared and so beyond excited for Joe to start this next phase of his life!

He will be such a great missionary. He loves people. People love him. He loves the Lord. I think its going to be a match made in Heaven :) Literally.

My husband jokes that Joe is the only person he knows that has a heart as big or bigger than his self. (and if you don't know Joe...hes huge!!)

Ah! Cant believe it!!! So glad we get the summer with him!

Friday, June 28, 2013


Hey guys/gals,

So...I'm not techy. Seriously.

I dont know the "lingo". For real.

However, I have been hearing about Google Reader going away...and apparently...thats BAD.

So I've added a link for you to follow me on BlogLovin'. I've been using it for the past year or so.

Its still good stuff.

and this is just an FYI!

((click the know you want to.))

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Our Journey Part 15

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9
Part 10
Part 11
Part 12
Part 13
Part 14

I did the extra shots of the hormone, and only was a little crazy this month. PROGRESS! We went in 3 days later to have another ultrasound.

My doctor was on ultrasound duty that day, so I got to see him. Its funny, because typically you have one ovary that "brings their A game" and that was my left ovary this month. I had 4 follicles on that ovary--one measuring at 18, another at 12, and 2 just over a 10. My right ovary had 2 measuring about a 10.

YOU GUYS. that's 6 follicles. that's 3 more than last month!

He decided that I was good enough to trigger and then do our IUI.

We are hoping that after 5 months of fertility and 4 IUI's (including this one) that this will be it!!! We are happy and excited! While at the same time, preparing ourselves for bad news. Its an interesting conundrum we've got going on emotionally.

I triggered the next day and we set up our appointments for 2 days after that for our IUI. Jace had his appointment at 8:30 (he said it totally through off his whole day...) and mine was at 10:30 (i was working that day...i'm lucky with how nice my boss was being that he let me be as late as i needed.)

My doctor was in surgery, so this is the first IUI that he hasn't done personally. His nurse practitioner did it, and as I was leaving the nurses were saying that "this is going to be it! we can feel it because of your aura!" um...okay?

I left, went to work, and Jace called wanting to go see Iron Man 3. I didn't feel great, but i'm glad we went. (We also ran into Josh and Jamie and saved them seats to sit by us!) On our way home we stopped at Panda (mmmm so bad for you, and yet so good) and our fortune cookies that night were beyond awesome!!! We are hoping that they'll be real and we are trying to keep our spirits up!!

Now for 2 weeks of waiting!

Sunday, June 23, 2013


I need.

I used to think I was a pretty independent, do-it-on-my-own, kind of gal.
And I was. Don't get me wrong. 

I had to grow up fairly fast in some areas of my life.

I lost my grandpa to prostate cancer when I was 5. When I was 8, I lost my grandma to a heart attack. When I was 12, I lost my closest aunt to pancreatic cancer. When I was 18, I came very nearly to losing my mom to breast cancer. At 22 my uncle passed away from colon cancer. My oldest brother is handicapped--there have been multiple times throughout my life that we have almost lost him.

Through each of these moments in my life...I have felt the need to be the strong one. The one who could handle it on her own. Except I couldn't. I was NEVER alone...and I always turned to my Heavenly Father to help me, but I never really relied on anyone else.

With the last (almost) 3 years of trying for a baby...I have realized how much I really NEED. 

I need friends that care.

I need someone to tell me a funny joke or story to help make me laugh--because sometimes I have a hard time smiling about things.

I need to know that my family loves me...cares about me...cares about what I'm going through.

I need people to ASK how I'm doing...not just assume that I'll tell them if I need to talk or need some help.

I need people to be at least a LITTLE sensitive to what I am going through...

I sometimes just NEED a hug...and someone to let me cry for a few minutes without being judgmental.

Today though, and not for the first time I might add, I really NEEDED to talk to my aunt Kathy. She is the aunt who died when I was 12. I really am so sad that I didn't get to know her as I was growing up and as an adult. My mom says now, that I remind her so much of Kathy--that she and I did things the same. I always loved Kathy...she lived just around the block from us and was in my ward. I loved seeing her. Also, she was the school nurse at my elementary school--so I literally got to see her everyday. It was awesome. She was my moms best friend. Kathy didn't get married until she was 45 and then died 5 years later. She never had kids of her own. 

I've been struggling lately with everyone having babies. And its silly of me to be upset by it, I know that. I am so happy for my family and friends who get to have kids and grow their families...but its hard on me. Its hard to see them get so easily, something that just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me...and something I just want so badly.

Today I went to the cemetery...I went to talk to my aunt Kathy. I need to know how she dealt with it. The pain and grief of not having a family...the emotions of watching everyone around you have what you want so dearly. How? How did she manage? 

I talked to my mom about it a few months ago...just wondering if Kathy ever talked about it with her. My mom said she couldn't remember Kathy ever saying anything...and my mom felt bad, but that she never really thought about how hard it must have been to watch everyone have what she wanted. 

Today, I really needed just about 10 minutes for the heavens to open, so I could get some strength and advice from her. 
Today I was reminded of how much I actually NEED.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

twenty-six on the fifteenth

I turned another year older today. 

I also spent a good portion of the day by myself.

In that time alone, I sat quietly...with no music or tv. Just me in the quiet.

I like that.

I like that I have time to think. Room to think. Room to breathe.

I've been sick a lot this past half year. Sick in the physical sense and sick at heart.

I also have learned a lot about prayer, faith, and having strength to move forward.

I've learned more about myself as well. 

I've learned that I'm strong...sensitive...and a risk taker.

I've learned that my husband is my rock. I've learned to lean on him, and trust him more than I ever have.

I had a very sad and hard day yesterday...but today on my birthday, I celebrated happiness. 

My husband was very attentive to me and my feelings and my family showered me with love.

It was a great day. I don't mind getting older. I love my birthday. 

Here's to the next year being better than this last, and me learning just as much about myself as I did this year!

Friday, June 14, 2013

Our Journey Part 14

I took that stupid medicine to shrink the follicle. I'm on so many medications all the time, that its getting mentally exhausting keeping track of it all, and also physically its taking its toll. I'm sick ALL. THE. TIME.

Well, I finally finished the medication and went in for another ultrasound to check to see if it shrunk like it was supposed to. The ultrasound tech said it shrunk a little, but maybe not enough. She was going to check with my Doctor and see what he thought. If it wasnt small enough i'd have to go back on the medicine for another week and things would keep getting delayed. Thankfully he said to stop that medicine and start my cycle back up.

Yes. Back up. I had a full weeks worth of a heavy cycle, only to have to go back onto a period. 


SO. after a full, and completely annoying 2 WEEK CYCLE, and after adding in another pill all week, and a HEAVY dosage of my hormone shot (we upped the dosage as well as the number of times i was taking it--which was ALSO awful...) I went BACK in for another ultrasound.

Seriously I live at the fertility center. ultrasound happened to fall on Sunday and we went in and the tech was saying we had 3 follicles measuring at 10, 10, and 11 on the left, and 2 on the right measuring just under a 10. The goal to trigger ovulation is to have those follicles as close to 20 as possible. So, a little discouraging...but she wasnt upspet. She just wanted me to do 2 more hormone shots (my crazy juice) and go back in for another ultrasound 3 days later. 

So...we'll see. Here's hoping they all will be ready!!

Thursday, June 13, 2013

A me party, a party by myself.

Unfortunately yesterday it was a "me-pity-party"...

I go weeks without feeling down in the dumps, or the need to just vent/cry, but then it happens.

Without me even realizing its starting to happen until its too late.

When it all (the stress of my world and those around me) load up on me--all it takes is for one thing: like having a migraine for 2 days, being constantly dizzy, and being nauesous constantly...(thanks medicine), or hearing that someone is badmouthing you to other people to save their own butts, to set it off.

I heard yesterday, that someone was using me as a scape goat for their own failings. And of course, i'm not around to defend myself--however i didnt need to be defending myself anyways! I had done nothing wrong and had stupidly stood by this person for years--only to be repaid with this.

That was bad.

I also have been having a stressful/weird week at work. really has just been weird. Which just throws me off.

I have had constant migraines and dizzy spells for the past few days...I thought its because I might be dehydrated but I'm constantly drinking water!

The last 2 days, I havent eaten lunch or dinner really. I'm constantly nauesous. I have a bagle in the morning...last night I had a tortilla. Just the tortilla. So I think I'm hungry, and then unable to eat. Its silly.

I'm upset that I'm not getting pregnant even with all of the medicine and help from the doctor. Once I start feeling that way and going down that road---it carries me to a place that i dont like to go. So once I can stop the tears, I shake myself--clear my head, and remember that there is a plan for me. I am not forgotten. And while I feel a little lost, I am not lost.
The pity-party ended, just in time for me to find relief from my headaches with sleep.
Glorious sleep.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

No big deal

No big deal...just my birthday coming up in 4 days!! Holla!

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

My new job

So, I finally am able to write about my new job.

I'm not at work and I'm not asleep. Its a miracle!

The past 2 weeks have been pure and total chaos. 

I get up WAY earlier than I'm used to, go to a job where I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off--while playing catch up, spending alot of time driving in the HOT HOT HOT, and then coming home and CRASHING. HARD. Like, 9:30 PM hard.

Blogging really hasnt been in the forefront of my mind.

This job...we honestly feel that it was an answer to prayer. You see, i was only working part time at the jewelry store and we were going to be closing an extra day for the summer. Every other week I would only be working 16 hours. On top of that the other girl working there was needing more hours. We were hoping that I could find another part time job and work them both. However, I wasnt finding much. I finally applied to be a caregiver with this company called ITC. They are the middle man between families with someone with special needs and the state---helping provide services for them. I've been doing caregiving for my brother Randy since...forever, but officially since I turned 18. I tried calling a few families, but nothing came up. Jace and I were getting nervous because of our additional expenses (fertility costs quite a bit, in case you didnt know!). We prayed, and fasted, I worried, and panicked (like i told you about here) and then I got this call from ITC...they were looking for someone to fill an office position. I would be working full time and making a little more per hour than I was. I thought, what the heck, I'll interview. I went...and the next day got the job offer. I didnt know how to tell my employer at the jewelry store...see...hes also my moms cousin. And they had been so good to me. But this job, FELL into my lap...and I couldnt turn it down. So I put in my 2 weeks (the other girl was to take over my hours which is perfect for her) and I started at ITC.

Now, here are some things that I've learned in the past 2 weeks of working there:

#1. I had NO idea what I was doing....and I'm still making it up as I go sometimes. 
#2. The girl who I replaced left things in a MESS. My spreadsheets are off, visits were not made for the past 6 months (I have to go into the homes every few months), and notes that are required for the state have not been turned in for alot of people for at least 5 months.
#3. I shouldve paid more attention in my college computer class...I have never used excel since then, and most of my work is now on excel spreadsheets. At least I was upfront on that in the interview.
#4. I've never had such a grown up job before. I've worked jobs, and been responsible sure, but i'm responsible for 160 peoples hours and corresponding with all of their case workers when I need to, staying updated on all of the providers, going to ISPs, taking in new clients informations, and going into the home for quarterly visits. Its ALOT.
#5. I havent had to work my brain so hard in such a long time. I have been thoroughly mentally exhausted.
#6. My body doenst know what to do with itself. I'm making it wake up and get to work before JACE even leaves to work, I'm working full time, and I'm constantly busy while at work. I get home and maybe make dinner...but mostly I wait about an hour until Jace gets home, we talk and then I fall asleep on the couch. Its been a bad cycle.
#7. Chances days are going to be a mixture of good and bad. I've yet to have a solidly good day. Like today, it started a little crazy, but got better, until about 20 minutes before I left. It went swiftly downhill from there.
#8. I didnt look at facebook, my blog, other blogs, my email, or pinterest for the 1st week I was working my new job. It felt weird when I said that, but I was too busy and then too tired to even think about it! It was kind of freeing.

Long story, not so short.
I am the new Consumer Care Coordinator at ITC personal in home care.
And while I have ALOT to learn,
and ALOT of responsibility,
I'm excited for this new opportunity.
Also, I'm excited for Friday...I get my first real pay check from them! 

Our Journey Part 13

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9
Part 10
Part 11
Part 12

To get myself to cycle, I go off the Progesterone cream that I had been taking every night for the last 2 weeks. Its a bitter sweet moment when I don't have to take that stupid cream. For whatever reason, it makes me crazy hot in the middle of the night and ALWAYS without fail, wakes me up at like 3 or 4 AM. So when I go off of it, I LOVE that i'm able to start sleeping un-interrupted...however the fact that i'm not taking it anymore just re-emphasizes that i'm not pregnant.

My body has reacted differently each time I go off the cream...the first time it took just over a week to start my cycle...the next month it was 5 days. This time it was less than 2 days! It totally caught me off guard. I called, and set up my appointment for an ultrasound and it just so happened to be at the time I was going in to talk to my Doctor anyways. SCORE! I didn't have to go back in another time.

I had my "follow up" with my Doctor (who I just love, by the way. he is so re-assuring...even if he talks crazy fast to where I generally have to ask him to repeat everything). There were 5 different possibility factors as to why we weren't pregnant. One of them was the "probability factor" meaning, that x out of x women get pregnant and it just wasn't my turn. LAME! I just want it to be my turn. However, he seemed really optimistic and had a new plan for us. He called it "revised plan A+". This next round we'll do "front loading" of the hormone shot...apparently this gives us a BIG percentage of the possibility of twins...which we are actually 100% fine with. (he was telling me that with his wife they did IVF twice...the first time she got pregnant with twins and carried them for 40 weeks!, and the second time she got pregnant with TRIPLETS and carried them for 37 weeks!! She's FREAKING WONDER WOMAN!!!)

Anyways after my conversation with my doctor, he actually checked me on the ultrasound this time and we found a "leftover" follicle. Apparently this is not unusual. But what it meant was that we couldn't start our next round of fertility because we needed that follicle/cyst to shrink. They put me on a medication to shrink it and I had another ultrasound appointment for a week later. During all of this time I'm on my period. And all I can think is about how I should be on all of my other medication to get a dang baby!