I used to think I was a pretty independent, do-it-on-my-own, kind of gal.
And I was. Don't get me wrong.
I had to grow up fairly fast in some areas of my life.
I lost my grandpa to prostate cancer when I was 5. When I was 8, I lost my grandma to a heart attack. When I was 12, I lost my closest aunt to pancreatic cancer. When I was 18, I came very nearly to losing my mom to breast cancer. At 22 my uncle passed away from colon cancer. My oldest brother is handicapped--there have been multiple times throughout my life that we have almost lost him.
Through each of these moments in my life...I have felt the need to be the strong one. The one who could handle it on her own. Except I couldn't. I was NEVER alone...and I always turned to my Heavenly Father to help me, but I never really relied on anyone else.
With the last (almost) 3 years of trying for a baby...I have realized how much I really NEED.
I need friends that care.
I need someone to tell me a funny joke or story to help make me laugh--because sometimes I have a hard time smiling about things.
I need to know that my family loves me...cares about me...cares about what I'm going through.
I need people to ASK how I'm doing...not just assume that I'll tell them if I need to talk or need some help.
I need people to be at least a LITTLE sensitive to what I am going through...
I sometimes just NEED a hug...and someone to let me cry for a few minutes without being judgmental.
Today though, and not for the first time I might add, I really NEEDED to talk to my aunt Kathy. She is the aunt who died when I was 12. I really am so sad that I didn't get to know her as I was growing up and as an adult. My mom says now, that I remind her so much of Kathy--that she and I did things the same. I always loved Kathy...she lived just around the block from us and was in my ward. I loved seeing her. Also, she was the school nurse at my elementary school--so I literally got to see her everyday. It was awesome. She was my moms best friend. Kathy didn't get married until she was 45 and then died 5 years later. She never had kids of her own.
I've been struggling lately with everyone having babies. And its silly of me to be upset by it, I know that. I am so happy for my family and friends who get to have kids and grow their families...but its hard on me. Its hard to see them get so easily, something that just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me...and something I just want so badly.
Today I went to the cemetery...I went to talk to my aunt Kathy. I need to know how she dealt with it. The pain and grief of not having a family...the emotions of watching everyone around you have what you want so dearly. How? How did she manage?
I talked to my mom about it a few months ago...just wondering if Kathy ever talked about it with her. My mom said she couldn't remember Kathy ever saying anything...and my mom felt bad, but that she never really thought about how hard it must have been to watch everyone have what she wanted.
Today, I really needed just about 10 minutes for the heavens to open, so I could get some strength and advice from her.
Today I was reminded of how much I actually NEED.