Friday, October 7, 2016


Not many people know this about me, but one of my most absolute fears is drowning.

Its always been weird to me, since i grew up in the water. I've always been a strong swimmer and so comfortable there. I used to pretend i was a mermaid since my mom always called me her fish.

But ever since I can remember, some of my worst dreams have revolved around me being in a lake or ocean and drowning. 

As an adult I've tried to analyze this a little, what this means for me. 

Honestly I think I fear "drowning" in the whole sense of the word. 

Have you ever felt like work kept piling up around you and you were "drowning in work"?

Have you ever felt like you over-scheduled your vacation and you were so busy running around that you forgot to enjoy the vacation?

Have you ever just been so consumed with what was going on in your life and the unknown of WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN that you felt like you were just "surviving"??

I call this drowning in my own head.

I feel like I'm in that lake or ocean, paddling along and the water keeps getting higher. The current starts pulling at me more, and I am getting exhausted.

I have overloaded myself a bit when it came to scheduling out my work schedule. I have spent so many hours talking back and forth with perspective clients, running out to photo shoots, coming home and editing...that thinking about it hurts my head. Plus, i've been putting that first lately, instead of my son. I'm not okay with that. My starting this business was to help earn an income for my family as well as to use it as a creative outlet since its a joy and passion of mine. It was never supposed to be full time or take me away so much from my child. I think I need to reevaluate things.

My brother went from being admitted to the hospital with pneumonia, to moved to ICU for a week, to being intubated twice to help him breathe, to his kidneys stopping working to where they are now discussing putting him on dialysis. If Randy goes on dialysis and it doesnt work...then they are basically saying we need to prepare for the worst. 
My mom and dad need to make some hard decisions.
I am quite literally having to think about my big brother dying. 
That has always been a reality for us, with his special needs...but we never have dwelt on it long. The thought of him not being around wasn't okay with us, we refused to think that way if we could have him longer. 

Yesterday was such a hard day. 

This morning it seems his urine output is doing better and his blood pressure is up a little since they are weaning him off his sedation. If this continues, then as far as dialysis--it wont be necessary. However, since they intubated him again, more than likely they will put a trake in, and he will have that for the rest of his life. 
But see, even thinking like that is getting ahead of myself. We aren't allowed to think more than one day at a time, because everything could change quickly. 

Life is crazy. 

And I'm talking about feeling like I'm drowning in my head. 
...Maybe I'M crazy.  

1 comment:

  1. You're not crazy. I feel like I'm drowning a lot sometimes. I think it's part of this phase of our lives. Being mothers to little people does this on it's own plus trying to do more to make their lives and ours better by trying to earn a little extra just puts more pressure on us.

    You can do this though mama. I know you can. Sometimes we just need to take a breather and make ourselves stop doing anything for a day or two and just be with our kids or be by purselves to re charge or whatever it takes to stop drowning.


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