Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Shattered Sight


There was a once upon a time episode that had a spell called "shattered sight". The spell was to bring out the worst in you so you destroyed one another; even (or especially) the people you loved. Sounds silly to bring up, but there is a reason I did. 

This is a hard post for me to write. Much harder than writing the post about the antidepressants i was on, or my infertility posts. Since this is the internet, i'm never sure how much to share or not. I use this as my journal so I feel the need to write. Maybe its because i'm meant to help someone else...or maybe this will be a step for healing for me. I hope that I eventually end up posting this. Maybe I'll chicken out. In case I do post this, this was written February 16th 2016.

My name is Andrea and my husband is a porn addict.

**sidenote for anyone reading that may be getting "up in my grill" about posting this...I asked my husband and he gave me permission. If you dont want to read it, then stop now and please dont leave me angry comments. Thank you.**

I found out last April, right after we moved into our new home. I've alluded to the fact that I was going through tough things, that my husband had an addiction. Well, there it is. A porn addiction.

My world was shattered. I never in a million years would have guessed that Jace was living a double life. I would never have guessed that Satan had taken hold of Jace and that Jace was lying to me and bringing vile things into our home. However, the longer we were married, the more distant or angry Jace would become. He told me a few times that it was my fault that he was angry and that I was smothering him. Now I know that he felt extreme guilt over what he had been doing and I was a reminder of that--so he resented me for it. Isnt that ironic? I do want to include that Jace was not promiscuous with other women in person (there was no physical cheating).

I found out on a Sunday afternoon while we were watching a stupid TV show. They mentioned porn and I, confidently, said that I didn't have to worry about that. Jace was quiet. I pressed. and pressed and pressed and then got very upset with his evasiveness. Finally, he admitted that he had had a pornography addiction since he was a young teenager. He struggled with masturbation as well. He continued it after the mission, after our temple marriage, through my fertility struggle, and still after Nash was born and we moved into our new home. :(

So much finally made sense. Why he would act a certain way, or a respond a certain way in the past and present. Why he was so isolated and angry. Why he did this or that. Pieces to the puzzle fell into place. And I was crushed. Those first 3 months were HARD. And by hard, i mean truly awful and painful. My heart was literally shattered. Jace spent 2 months on the couch. He started the church's 90 day recovery program, weekly SA meetings, and weekly meetings with his sponsor. He and I both went to see a therapist. It was good in the sense that Jace finally, after more than half of his life, opened up about things and how this addiction started. The program was wonderful because it made him evaluate himself on a daily basis. HE WAS TRYING. And that made a huge difference for me. Seeing him try made me feel like we could get through this together.

It had taken 8 months, but I finally felt my trust in him restoring. I had stopped worrying about what he was looking at on his phone, I wasn't pestering him about writing in his journal or making him talk to his sponsor. I had stopped crying myself to sleep MONTHS ago. We finally were at a place that we started talking about having another baby.

And then today happened. 

I had a good day. I got up early, took care of Nash, got dressed, did my hair and makeup and went visiting teaching. I came home and Jace was needlessly angry when I asked him why he did something they way he did it. (Granted, i approached it from an agitated stance than necessary). He yelled at me, I got angry and frustrated and so I decided to load Nash up and run some errands to give him space and BONUS, get things accomplished. I came home and Jace was doing yard work, so I took care of the groceries and Nash, and then started cleaning the house. Then Jace pulled me outside to talk.

He relapsed while Nash and I left the house today.


I'm going through so many up and down emotions. 

I'm sorry for him. I'm sorry he has let Satan get a hold on him. I'm sorry that he threw away almost a YEAR of sobriety. I'm sorry for Nash.

 I'm sorry Nash has to have this as part of his life at so young of an age. I'm sorry Nash sees us yelling at one another, and I'm sorry Nash sees me cry so much. He doesn't understand it, and comes up to me crying while I'm crying and asks if I'm okay. Which makes me feel awful.

I feel worthless. I feel like Jace is choosing THAT life, a FAKE life, a life of pain and seclusion over me. I feel not good enough. I feel dirty. I feel a little lost. I feel angry. I feel lonely, empty, and discouraged. I feel sad and heartbroken the most though.

This relapse hurts more than the initial disclosure did. I thought long and hard about it and I figured out why. Last April when I first found out, I knew that he had had the problem LONG before he met me. Once I found out, I was devastated, understandably, but we made a promise to work on it together. And we did. We jumped through the hoops, crawled through the muck, and were on the same path--a good path. When he made the conscious decision to relapse, he broke my heart wide open. To me that said that my help wasnt enough, my support wasnt enough....I WASNT ENOUGH. He promised me things, and then broke those. For instant gratification that produced immense pain, guilt, anger, and shame. 

I don't know where we are going from here. I do know of 3 things. I absolutely, without question, HATE this vile, evil thing that has been brought into my life and home; I am fed up with the world and how commonplace and acceptable they have made pornography and masturbation. I dont have patience for inappropriate jokes and innuendos anymore. I hate the video game industry for the slutty graphic images and vulgar language; and I will do EVERYTHING in my power to provide knowledge and safety for Nash when it comes to pornography.

I will get through this.
I will protect myself and my family.
I will not let Satan win.

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