"Finding Joy"

So for the past year and a half the word JOY has been on my mind. I've got pages of quotes and scriptures and talks I've been reading on the subject.

When i made our fummer list, one of my goals was to "find joy".

When i got my new calling as a primary teacher and I was set apart, in the prayer they specifically mentioned that "i would find joy in this calling".

I found a sign last month to add to a gallery wall in my family room that says "choose joy".

And yesterday my mom found this quote and gave it to me. I loved it so much I made it into a printable. (feel free to save and use!)

(8x10)

I'm finding myself getting agitated easily, and losing my cool multiple times a day. I've been struggling with finding joy in my life. Nash has been needing SO MUCH attention and interaction, which I try to give him, but apparently its not enough because oi. We keep working towards paying off our debt (3 credit cards GONE this summer BTW) and working towards Jace's next promotion, and needing a new car...all that jazz. It gets exhausting and overwhelming. I also am so frustrated that I'm not pregnant. Getting Nash a sibling keeps seeming like a never ending and disappointing journey. My "best friend" basically stopped keeping in touch a year or 2 ago. My other friend who I would consider my best friend, is a GUY and he and his family moved to Washington. I feel really alone on that front. I keep thinking of all the things that aren't happening in my life and my family's lives and it makes me SO SAD. 

I feel like I go so long without saying anything or talking through things that I sometimes explode on my 4 year old--that is so not fair. My sister in law Jamie, posted this video of Elder Holland and Jace and I both sobbed through it. Good grief I need to be better.

Nash will be starting preschool in 2 weeks for 3 days a week for 2.5 hours on those days. I think it will be a marvelous break for both of us. It will give him the interaction with other kids and his teacher is an absolute ANGEL. And for me...not only will it give me time during the day to work and not feel guilt for working while Nash "needs" me, but I think it will give me the opportunity to rediscover ME as a person...not as a business owner, or a mom, or a wife....but me. I used to have a fantastic relationship with myself and with my Heavenly Father (not saying I dont have a relationship with Him--but it is NOT what it used to be)....and that quote from President Nelson kind of smacked me in the face.

I dont know. I wish I was more eloquent, but I just wanted to say that I'm trying. I'm trying to find the joy in my life again, even if its not what I had hoped for at this time. 

I love my husband, I love my family, I love my nash so much, I love my home, and I love my Heavenly Father. And so this entry isnt so depressing here are a couple of pictures for you to see of my cute boy and his kitty cat. :)

My home. and Dreams.

I've shared very little of my home in pictures.

When we moved in 2 years ago, less than 2 weeks in, I learned of Jace's pornography addiction. 

About a year later, he relapsed.

My hours got cut more than half at my job as a respite provider and money became tight as we tried to pay off debt.

Basically, the last 2 years I have been in what we call "Survival Mode" and tackling house projects and then taking pictures of them were PRETTY low on the list.

The house we moved into wasn't in desperate need of changing by any means. The woman we bought the house from had done some remodeling 10 or so years prior. However, it just wasn't ME.

The whole house was MUCH MUCH darker than I like. The walls in every single room with the exception of the "master" and nash's room were painted this pinkish brown. The whole house with the exception of 3 rooms is tiled in this brown tile with dark brown grout. The cabinets are maple with antiquing done on the insets :(, the hardware are all antique bronze (as well as every fixture--lights, fans, faucets, etc), the counters are a black/brown laminate, the appliances are all black, even the shades on the fans are brown tinted. 

I had this conversation on the blog last fall, about needing some color options, because ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH. I had been here living in this for almost 2 years and I wanted it to start feeling like me! 

When we moved in, we painted the old master (which was painted GREEN) before we moved in and we turned that into Nash's room. Loved it. Our bedroom that we made the master is a periwinkle...and honestly I don't dislike it enough to change it right now. But the rest of the house is wide open to one another and I was tired of the pink tones. So I picked out this great clay color and we painted the halls, the kitchen, the dining, the family room, and the living room. We then painted the laundry room and nash's bathroom a fun light blue color. I painted our front and back doors Navy blue. LOVE.

As we have lived here, things that the previous owner had bought for the home have started to crap out on us. So slowly we are replacing things. Like, we have a new hot water heater now, a new disposal, a new faucet in a bathroom, and a new dishwasher. The fridge is on the way out too, so we'll probably have to get a new one of those soon as well.

We also inherited ALOT of dying trees. They didn't know they weren't properly tending to them, but we had an arborist come out and all the trees had center rot and all the irrigation and fertilizer and loving care wasn't going to help them. So, so far we have taken out 1 grapefruit tree, 1 pitiful lemon tree, 1 tangerine tree, 1 mulberry tree, and 1 piece of crap whatever tree. We have 2 left--and orange and another mulberry. The orange will be coming down in the next couple weeks (should've happened after Christmas...oh well) and we still need to check on the other mulberry. Long term goal is to plant another good shade tree in the front and a lemon tree in the back eventually (we love the space we have gained in the backyard!)

We need a new roof. The previous owners really needed a new roof and never did anything about it. So that's on the list.

The bricks on the outside of our home are disintegrating from wear and sun. The mortar comes out if you touch it! That will need to be taken care of as well. The house has siding on it, but its YELLOW! Blech! We will get that replaced with white.

I plan on planting beautiful shrubs and roses along the front...once we get the brick figured out.

The inside will get a COMPLETE remodel. Flooring, counters, fixtures, etc. 

and EVENTUALLY we will do a large addition off the back--big photography studio for me, a powder room, a real master bedroom and bathroom, and underneath that a BASEMENT with a gameroom, storage, and possibly a guest bedroom and bathroom. 

(you know in 40 years when we can afford that!)

I have such big plans and goals for my home. I thought I'd post some inspiration pictures here. I can see it exactly how I want it in my head...and it will look awesome!

Kitchen:

Wood flooring

Navy bottom cabinets

White uppers

White quartz countertops

White subway tile backsplash

Nickle fixtures

Stainless Steel appliances

(a nice mid-tone laminate--with extra water protection as it will be in our kitchen)

(i would do nickel or chrome fixtures/hardware, not brass)

Master bedroom/bath:

(large square tub and shower combo in light calming colors)

(double vanity, square sinks, light calming colors with storage!)

If you've ever been in the Mesa Temple's baptistry, the floor in there is the color inspiration for my future master bath. Small check mosaic tiles in sea green, blue, white...i couldnt find exactly what I was searching for online, but i'll know it when I see it!

Master Closet:

In our current "master" there isnt a lot of extra space and minimal closet space. By building out a wall we can do a simple walk in closet. I cant wait!! (These pictures are of a closet that will be bigger than what we will be able to do.)

Living Room:

New carpet

Built-ins

(gray soft/cozy carpet)

(these built ins are amazing! I watched when the blogger DIY'ed most of these herself (with her dad!) I would have plenty of storage for extra things underneath, as well as plenty of book space above!! I have a HUGE wall this would go on in my living room!!)

Right now.

Oh boy.

I'm not the most eloquent person. I'm not a professional writer. This blog doesn't make money. I write here for 2 reasons: as a part of therapy, a way to get my emotions out; and as a way to journal my life. I have hand written journals, but the computer is a much faster way for me to say what I want to say. I dont only document happy moments...because life isn't made up of just happy moments. I want anyone who reads this to understand something...my life is hard right now. I'm well aware of that. But I do try to find multiple moments of happiness daily. My life is hard, but its my life. And my life is a gift from God and I'm going to do my best to be appreciative of that gift.

Since learning of Jace's addiction a year ago (this week)...my life completely changed. I dont know how to explain it properly, especially to people who haven't experienced this kind of betrayal trauma or to people who dont understand how utterly devastating a pornography addiction is.

You would be surprised to know that most people think that us wives of pornography addicts (WOPAs) are crazy, emotional, unstable, stupid, ridiculous, etc. etc. etc. The world has normalized porn. Its a joke to people, that people would be upset by it. People don't think that its an actual addiction. Anyone who thinks this way is so beyond wrong. Study after study is showing how harmful a pornography addiction is now...TIME magazine just did a whole spread on it. It got brought up on the view recently, and in the news with Utah's governor signing a new resolution: " Utah Gov. Gary Herbert will sign a resolution declaring pornography a "public health crisis" at the Utah state capitol today.The resolution was introduced by Republican state Senator Todd Weiler in January 2015, to battle the “pornography epidemic harming” the state and the country."--that was from USA today.

USA today article

I'm not going to get into jace's addiction...maybe one day if he's comfortable I'll have him write a post. But I'm going to re-itterate that the addiction started WAY before me. However, with the discovery of the addiction...it completely changes...everything. I mean, our entire marriage, our entire relationship was built on lies, upon lies, upon lies. Jace was cheating on me with images and videos and what have you. Hearing that...realizing what was going on in your own home behind your back... it makes you feel stupid. Dirty. Angry. Worthless.

My married life up to this point was a lie...and now my future is unclear. Where there once was a general outline (nothing too stable, because life has a way of not working how you thought ie:infertility) now there was NOTHING. My husband was a stranger to me. The foundation I thought we had built upon was condemned and torn down. We started rebuilding and then he relapsed and that foundation crumbled again. Its been 2 months now. And last week Jace told me that he acted out, very purposefully, and had been lying to me (lie of omission) for 3 weeks. 

I am in a state of shock. My life is in a state of flux. Jace has to make a very important decision: its the addiction or your family. You fight for us. You fight even if it kills you, to keep us. Or you let us go. Both are hard and scary pills to swallow. 

My life was not supposed to be this way. I was supposed to find a man who actually REALLY loved me...who would treat me as his queen. I would be faithful, loyal, and loving. I was to become a mother and raise my children to be God-fearing, serviceable people. I was to be happy.

Right now...all of that feels unobtainable. My mother told me the other day that there is a time and a season for everyone. My time, right now, is to go through this horrific trial. My bishop called it a trial of faith. I'm working really hard to find the good that is floating in the junk...but its a daily struggle. 

Right now...i'm surviving. That's literally all I can say. I take care of Nash all day (who is so energetic and tiring, but also sweet and cute and my miracle in all of this), and I take care of my business and our finances. However, my anxiety comes rearing most days and I feel stuck. I stare at my messy house...all the toys that Nash gets out and we play with, the cups of water he spills everywhere because he has to be independent, the dishes that are piled nice and high in my sink because standing at the sink doing them while my child is making a mess unsupervised churns my stomach (last time i did that he drew all over my kitchen floor with a crayon)...I cant find the motivation to do anything. At night, i struggle to sleep...my husband and I are still separated and I'm alone...then I'm plagued with thoughts and horrible dreams in relation to his addiction. If i'm lucky, my son will sleep, but lately he's been sick so i'm up multiple times a night with him and then up early for the day. 

Its hard to see my future right now. The 'right now' is a hard place to be in...because my 'right now' is not necessarily happy. But I hope and pray with all my might that my 'right now' will run its course and I get to move past it into my future. Oh my, how I pray for that day.

Dreaming

Lately I have caught myself day dreaming of my future life.

Jace and I have sat down multiple times and "mapped" out what we'd like our lives to look like in 3 year, 

5 year, and 10 year increments.

Some goals in those lists are:

Have at least 2 kids

Jace will finish college

We will buy a house

Have a new car

Have another kid

Go to Ireland for our anniversary

Jace will receive multiple promotions

and the list goes on.

I've been day dreaming about what it will be like when i'm finally pregnant. 

How i'll look, how i'll feel. How we will need to re-arrange furniture to fit baby stuff. 

What we'll actually need to have/buy for when we have a baby. 

Yesterday was a weird day. I'm on lots of medicine so i always feel...off. And then things kept happening that weren't planned, things were taking longer than they were supposed to, i bit my lip hard and its all swollen, i forgot to eat dinner, and JACE wanted to watch a reality TV show. 

My world was kinda upside down.

Yesterday at work, I also decided that i'd start planning our UK adventure! Jace and I both LOVE Ireland. To death. I have family from there. We both agreed on our honeymoon that we'd start planning and saving and go to Ireland for our anniversary. What we couldn't see coming then, was that we'd have to do fertility and that would put a kibosh on our 5th anniversary plans.

 However, I decided that i was sick of just talking about someday and that i would start researching and getting a good base plan! I had so much fun. We will fly to JFK (I've never been to NYC) and then we'd fly to Dublin. We'd have 2 weeks to explore and do what we want! Like we'd go to London on the train (never been on a train!) and we'd see all of the "touristy sights"that Jace has his heart set on, and we'd go to the Isle of Wight (by ferry!) because that is where my fathers family (at some point down the line) came from! 

We'd also take another train and go to Scotland for a few days. 

I'm telling you, I cant wait to put this dream into motion and actually GO on our UK trip. It will be grand, for sure. :)

Do you have things that you day dream about regularly?