Our Journey Part Dos Summer 2020

After the devastation that was March 2020, Covid-19 put a HALT on everything non-emergency related. No dental procedures, no elective surgeries, no fertility treatments.

I got a call in May, stating that as the state opened back up, we could start proceeding with IVF. It was so nerve wrecking to decide to move forward in this way. Its A LOT of money with no guaranteed outcome. But over the last 2+ years we have spent that much and probably more altogether...so we decided to go for it.

We have prayed and fasted to know what to do for years now. We have felt like failures because we've never received inspiration from Heavenly Father helping guide us in one direction or another. However, we have felt pretty strongly about 2 things. #1. We have more kids waiting for us. and #2. its not time for adoption yet. Well, that doesn't leave too many options for us, so we went forward and scheduled IVF treatments.

Thanks to Covid19 everything is definitely different. I am the only person allowed at the office (unless Jace had to go do his part). You text when you are there and wait in your car to be called into the office. You are required to wear a mask, get your temperature taken, and answer a few questions before you go in to get checked.

I'm dealing with a whole new set of nurses-- my favorite nurse was furloughed because of Covid19 :(
I have an IVF coordinator--I call her often to ask questions.

I went on a very intense medication cycle and had to do blood work and ultrasounds EVERYDAY after day 6. I started the whole process June 1st. On June 13th I went in for my Egg Retrieval. Surgery was different too. I was whisked away and was alone during prep (except for my cute nurse Judy) and had to wear a mask until I was up on the operating table. I woke up and had to get dressed and everything by myself and was wheeled out to the car where I finally saw Jace again. My nurse realized that my birthday was in 2 days. I said this is my birthday present. I want babies for my birthday!

We were told that they were able to take 36 EGGS during retrieval! That is amazing.

The next day they called and said they were able to fertilize 20 of those eggs.

Then came the waiting. 7 LONG DAYS OF WAITING to hear about our embryos. We have prayed and fasted for those babies. I have had many conversations with Nash about what fertilization is and what an embryo is. My 6 year old knows more about the science of reproduction than I did in high school, I swear.

Anyways....

I just got the call.

ELEVEN EMBRYOS. 11!

We are going to have the opportunity to have more babies and we are beyond thrilled. I am going to be crying once it finally hits. Our babies. Our "Em-babies". So excited.

"Finding Joy"

So for the past year and a half the word JOY has been on my mind. I've got pages of quotes and scriptures and talks I've been reading on the subject.

When i made our fummer list, one of my goals was to "find joy".

When i got my new calling as a primary teacher and I was set apart, in the prayer they specifically mentioned that "i would find joy in this calling".

I found a sign last month to add to a gallery wall in my family room that says "choose joy".

And yesterday my mom found this quote and gave it to me. I loved it so much I made it into a printable. (feel free to save and use!)

(8x10)

I'm finding myself getting agitated easily, and losing my cool multiple times a day. I've been struggling with finding joy in my life. Nash has been needing SO MUCH attention and interaction, which I try to give him, but apparently its not enough because oi. We keep working towards paying off our debt (3 credit cards GONE this summer BTW) and working towards Jace's next promotion, and needing a new car...all that jazz. It gets exhausting and overwhelming. I also am so frustrated that I'm not pregnant. Getting Nash a sibling keeps seeming like a never ending and disappointing journey. My "best friend" basically stopped keeping in touch a year or 2 ago. My other friend who I would consider my best friend, is a GUY and he and his family moved to Washington. I feel really alone on that front. I keep thinking of all the things that aren't happening in my life and my family's lives and it makes me SO SAD. 

I feel like I go so long without saying anything or talking through things that I sometimes explode on my 4 year old--that is so not fair. My sister in law Jamie, posted this video of Elder Holland and Jace and I both sobbed through it. Good grief I need to be better.

Nash will be starting preschool in 2 weeks for 3 days a week for 2.5 hours on those days. I think it will be a marvelous break for both of us. It will give him the interaction with other kids and his teacher is an absolute ANGEL. And for me...not only will it give me time during the day to work and not feel guilt for working while Nash "needs" me, but I think it will give me the opportunity to rediscover ME as a person...not as a business owner, or a mom, or a wife....but me. I used to have a fantastic relationship with myself and with my Heavenly Father (not saying I dont have a relationship with Him--but it is NOT what it used to be)....and that quote from President Nelson kind of smacked me in the face.

I dont know. I wish I was more eloquent, but I just wanted to say that I'm trying. I'm trying to find the joy in my life again, even if its not what I had hoped for at this time. 

I love my husband, I love my family, I love my nash so much, I love my home, and I love my Heavenly Father. And so this entry isnt so depressing here are a couple of pictures for you to see of my cute boy and his kitty cat. :)

Dreaming of a porch

I've always loved the idea of a beautiful porch leading up to the entrance of my home.

I love the look of the double door entry as well--it looks so grand, and how beautiful to decorate for the holidays!

I've always wanted a swing and a sitting area, maybe pots filled with flowers if I could keep them alive.

But alas, we did not move into a home with this potential. It would take building the house out and over in order to create something like this...and that just isn't going to happen.

So I can dream. :)

Also, if we ever get to build that cabin at my ranch, I am DETERMINED that it have a wrap around porch around the whole thing.

And you better believe it will have a swing. :)