How depressing have my last posts been?!
I was able to meet up with an old friend last night. We talked for like 4 hours. I didnt come home till 1 AM. It was good to reconnect and have some adult time. (thanks Katy!!) I'm pretty sure she wasnt thrilled with how late we were up (her kids are SUPER early risers) but I'm glad we did it.
As I talk about things...my life, real life, things that are great and not so great...its all for me. This blog is my journal. Its a way for me to record what I was feeling, what was going on in my life. And I want it to be real. I want to remember how I actually felt about something. Because, who knows. It may help me out in the future if I go through another similar experience. Or it could help me give advice to my children, or friends. Or maybe, since this blog is public, it helps someone else out that just happens to read my blog.
Life is a roller coaster. No matter who you are, or what circumstance your life is in; at some point your life will go up and down, upside down, topsy turvy CRAZY. Because life is unpredictable and hard and weird and great and tiring, and awesome.
If you had known me growing up and through high school, I was a pretty happy gal. There were crummy things in my life; sure, but overall I really didnt have much to worry about and I worked really hard to be happy. My english teached called me a disney princess and my CP chem teacher called me his social butterfly. I loved people and life and just wanted things to be good.
And life happens. It gets hard and scary. You have your heart broken a few times. The world starts crumbling. You begin to doubt your self worth. You feel alone.
Some people retreat in order to survive.
I know that for me, I definitely retreated some. I had to just plug along hoping that with time and some effort, things would work out and change for the better. And they did. And then infertility happened. And that changed me. It changed my perspective on things. And Nash came along. And that changed me. For the better. And then Jace's addiction came to light, and that REALLY changed me. First for worse, and now I believe for the better. I'm a more aware person, who really just believes in total and complete HONESTY now. For better or worse, the truth is the best thing.
Through it all, i've found myself not the same girl that I was in high school. Life has changed me. And thats okay. You are supposed to change as life goes on and circumstances happen. What helps me is looking at it through this imagery of a song:
like stones in the river
we are tossed and turned
when the current moves so strong
stones in living waters over time
are shaped until the edges are gone
polished and smooth, that's what we will be
if we put ourselves in god's hands
each day of our lives is a gift from the giver
to smooth all the edges
like stones in the river
I am making an effort to be more happy. To find the good in my days. I promise I am. And I'm really sorry to anyone reading this who thinks that I'm just a depressing soul whom they pity. Because that is not who I am.
I am a woman who is imperfect; going through hard things. But I also am a daughter of God, a mother, a wife, a business owner, and I'd like to think I'm working on becoming a better friend as well.
**also, since its friday I'll leave you with a "friday funny"--my son is really in to "An Extremely Goofy Movie" on netflix. I went in to get him up for the day this morning and he exclaimed: "Shake your groove thing momma!"
HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE!
6 months ago