Deep within my soul

This is a hard post for me to write.

Honestly...this is one of the hardest things I have done to date.

I have wanted nothing more than to be a wife and mother.

And I feel like I have failed.

My darling little boy was born prematurely...but without complications that we knew of. That first month was excruciatingly hard as I got used to not sleeping, constant worry, and exclusively pumping. Then we hit Nash's due date.

And things changed. And not for the better.

All of the sudden he was sick. He wasnt pooping right. He spit up...ALOT. He constantly cried.

I thought it was just being a newborn baby and possibly being a preemie. I assumed he would grow out of it...because thats what everyone told me.

His pediatrician is an angel...he gave us non medication possible solutions to try. Apple juice to get his system going. That seemed to help some with the poop...but not the spit up or the crying. We were told that he had colic. And that colic goes away eventually.

Everyone and their mother who had a baby/knew a baby with colic reached out to us and told us that it was hard, but "there is a light at the end of the tunnel" "it will get better!" "keep smiling, it will work out".

Another couple months passed with everything being the same. Nash was put on Zantac and then Previcide to help with his re-flux. I wasnt sleeping at all. I didnt wake up my husband because he was working LONG LONG days. So if Nash got up for food, I warmed up milk, fed him, burped him, got him back to sleep, then I stayed up and pumped for a solid half hour if not more, then I would go to bed for maybe a half hour, and then have Nash wake up to eat again. But I kept thinking that "it would eventually end and there would be a light at the end of the tunnel".

Wrong. His crying got worse and he seemed to be in pain.

Our pediatrician agreed and referred us to a GI.

(it didnt help at this time that my nephew who is just 4 days older than nash--5 weeks developmentally-- was hitting all of these milestones. He was super happy and laughing. All my poor baby did was cry. I did alot of comparing that made my heart heavy)

We did a "poop test" and found that Nash had an allergy to my milk and needed to go on specialized formula. Which meant that I had just frozen about 800 ounces of useless breastmilk from countless painful hours of pumping. We did an upper GI ultrasound and a swallow test...which confirmed what we already knew--Nash had severe re-flux. We did a lower GI enema...normal.

I then dried up (worst experience) and had Nash switch to the Alimentum formula. It was a rough 2 weeks making the switch. But afterwards we felt it helped. With the previcide and the formula the spit up didnt seem to hurt although it was still bad. But the crying. Oh the crying.

The doctors kept saying it wasnt normal and something was wrong. The pediatricians agreed he needed his throat scoped. The GI said no.

Then it got bad.

During this time, my health was still not good. My blood pressure hasnt ever normalized after having preeclampsia and I'm on medication for that. I was off it for a few days and all of the bad symptoms of high blood pressure re-presented themselves. Bad headaches, nausea, irritability, swollen legs hands and feet, chest pains, shortness of breath. Stress brings on seizures or strokes in people with really high blood pressure and honestly...I havent ever felt this stressed.

 Nash had basically stopped sleeping and stopped eating. We were forcing an ounce every couple of hours. We were told to go to the ER immediately.

After IV fluids, our GI was consulted and said we were to go on the top formula there is for any type of allergies...it is $50 a can (that makes about 14 6 ounce bottles). We didnt know how we were to pay for it, but you do what you need to for your children.

He had been on that for awhile with his previcide and seemed to be thriving (weight wise). Constant crying still, constant spit up, and then refusal to nap during the day. He also stopped rolling over and stopped trying to sit up--which he had been doing.

We finally got in to see the nurse practitioner who works with the GI....she didnt have much to tell me.

Now to this month...we saw improvement for a few weeks. He started smiling again. He rolled over some. And then this week happened. His re-flux is at an all time high--after every burp and in between...the difference is that its really bothering him. He crys and crys and wont take anything in his mouth after a spit up. It takes us hours to get him asleep and we are lucky if he stays down for an hour. Its never longer than that. Sometimes its shorter. We saw our GI again...and he thinks its time for the scope now. However its still another month before we can get in for him to do it. And Nash is hurting.

And its hurting my heart.

I'm completely sleep deprived and totally on edge and worried all the time. My husband's and my relationship is strained.

I feel like a complete and total failure. I have no answers. There is no light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel--no one knows what to tell me to do to help him. I feel like I've worn my carpet out from kneeling in prayer asking for guidance, for stronger will, for knowledge and intuition. I once described to my mom that just when we would get over a hurdle, we would come to a hill. We climbed the hill, only to discover a pit. We are in the pit and trying to get out, but on the other side is a mountain. There is no end in sight for the despair I am feeling.

And then I came to the realization, that after being as strong as I could be for these almost 6 months that I'm not all that strong. I'm very weak and now after having said that out loud, the flood gates to my heart and the feelings of inadequacy have poured out. I realized deep within my soul that I might need help. That I might not have "it" together.

And thats very scary for me.