Our Journey Part 22

read previous posts here 

We were devastated. And by we, I really mean WE. I was at home on my lunch break when I got the call saying we weren't pregnant. I had completely lost it on the phone with  the nurse. We were just so sure it was going to be THE month...we had spent double the amount on medicine this month because of an increased dosage--hoping to trigger more follicles to grow. Not to mention that I was super extra HAPPY about having to poke myself every day for TEN DAYS STRAIGHT with crazy hormone juice.

Then I had to do the part that I HATE THE WORST. Even more than finding out the bad news myself...I had to call an tell Jace. He was at work. As soon as he answered the phone (he was eagerly waiting for my phone call) I burst into tears hearing his voice. He burst into tears too. He wanted me to call work and tell them I couldn't go back in. He wanted to take the rest of the day off and come and be with me. I told him that that was silly. He needed to stay at work...and I had to go back (I was the only one in the office that day). He reluctantly agreed. Jace ended up having to take a few minutes to get his emotions back in check out in our car. I then had to call my mom--she had been waiting to hear as well. I told her...started blubbering again...and told her that I had to go. I had to get myself cleaned up to go back in to work.

All of the other girls in the office were gone that day. The only other person was my boss, Brian. He doesn't pry too much...and hes a guy. So when I came back from lunch with no make up on, red puffy eyes, sniffling, my voice sounding weird, and me not talking at all...he didn't even blink an eye. In a way, it was super nice. I could just deal with it on my own without having to talk about it.

The next few days were hard. We were just so shocked by the news that we didn't really know what to do. I went off my progesterone cream and started my period back up. In conjunction with that, I had made an appointment to see my doctor and find out what the heck was going on.

Unfortunately, I had to go to that appointment alone :(

When I talked with him, he said I was now at the 50/50 range. Every month it would be a 50/50 shot that I would get pregnant. My percentages would not increase or decrease with what I was doing. However, there could be other factors affecting things that we don't know about. Like, if I'm growing mature follicles, but the eggs inside those mature follicles are immature. I asked if there was any way to tell...and fortunately there is, but only one, and unfortunately that is to do a round of IVF.

(Let me do a side note here and mention that before we actually started fertility treatments both of us were firmly against IVF--it was so expensive with no guarantee that we'd get pregnant and be able to carry the pregnancy full term. ((my cousin did IVF twice and she got pregnant both times, but was unable to carry the babies past 1 month)) We were nervous about the idea...and in the back of my head I just never dreamed it would go that far that we would need to think about IVF or adoption as our options.)

When Jace came home that day...I discussed what the Doctor had told me...however, my feelings have changed toward IVF...I still think its a crap shoot...and its so much more money on TOP of what we have already spent (because of course, insurance doesn't cover any of it)...but i want to be able to carry my own child. I want half of me, and half of Jace. I want it. So badly.

I let him know that...and it threw him that I changed my position on IVF and at first he basically shot the idea down...which broke my heart.

We both finally agreed that we'd take a month off of fertility (the hormones, the iui's, the blood tests) to pray and fast about what we should do. My doctor had me go on birth control (something i don't need obviously, but in case we decided to do IVF that's what they have you do).

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So...here's to taking a break and figuring things out.