Afraid to Admit

Do you ever have things that you are afraid to admit to people.

...or even to yourself?

I discovered that I do.

Its my MOAS. :) That is a reference to NCIS (in case you were wondering) and it stands for:

"Mother Of All Secrets".

But its not at the same time. 

Jace and I want a baby so badly...this is not news to anyone who reads this blog.

I get discouraged to hear about all of my friends pregnancies, but love to see them with their children. I feel like I am quite the Yo-Yo. Seriously.

My SIL announced a couple of months ago that she was pregnant...and i bawled like a baby on the phone to my mom. I lost it. (she has 2 beautiful kids that we just love to death). Then this last month they went into the ER for an ultrasound and found out she had kidney stones...and oh, yeah, no big deal they just found another baby in there too. (you think i lost it bad when i first learned she was pregnant, you shouldve seen me after the shock wore off from THAT phone call).

My cousin J just announced she is pregnant with her second (her first just turned one this summer) and while i was so stinking happy for her, i felt my smile slip away and my head start to hang. 

My friend L is getting ready to have her baby any day now...and she has documented the pregnancy well. Through Instagram, Blogging, Facebook....and she has every right to, but man alive, its hard to see someone have everything you want and cant seem to have and its plastered everywhere you turn.

 

Jace just got his promotion and we are looking into a way to eliminate most of our debt this year. We are finally getting into a really good place. Debt free (ish), good jobs, building our savings up...and this should be the time we wrap our heads around going into my doctor and starting treatment so we can have our very own baby. To start our eternal family beyond just the 2 of us.

...but here is my MOAS.

Im scared to go into my doctor. The last time i was in there he said that my PCOS was getting worse. And since then i've found out that I'm at a 50% chance for ovarian cancer since my mom tested positive for that gene. And i need to be tested. And to be honest...i'm terrified. If i have the gene, the doctors want me to have my kids ASAP and then have a hysterectomy. They are talking as early as 30-35. I'm already at a 50% chance for breast cancer (since my mom had it), and they dont want to take any chances. 

So WHAT IF? What if i go in there and my PCOS is EVEN WORSE. What if I go in there and he tells me that i cant have a baby? What if i go in there and i test positive for this gene? What if i have to have MAJOR surgery way sooner than i ever thought i'd have to?

I'm scared. and being scared has made me STUCK. I'm in a holding pattern. Im frozen and can't move forward, and you can never move backwards. I just dont know what to do.

To be honest, i didnt even realize that i was scared to go into my doctor. I didnt realize i was putting off my appointment because of that. I didnt realize that i had a MOAS. That i was afraid to admit...even to myself.

And if i'm being honest...I havent prayed to my Heavenly Father about this, in particular, in quite some time. 

So. today is a new day.

i'll be making an appointment with my doctor.

and by golly. we are starting to fast and pray about having a baby.

You all are welcome to join in. 

:)