Christmas 2015

I'm so behind. Its the end of February and I just realized that I never posted about our Christmas. Its been so busy with my business and sickness between me and nash. I get this blog printed out every year for our family records/my journaling....so i know it needs to be documented!!

IF YOU DONT WANT TO READ ABOUT MY CHRISTMAS, THEN SKIP TO THE BOTTOM WHERE THE PICTURES ARE!!!

This Christmas was so weird. I had been so sick with back to back sinus infections and Nash had been sick too with colds. Jace was stressed at work. But it was our first Christmas in our new home and by golly we were going to enjoy it.

Jace's parents were going to stay in Utah with their daughter Jen and her family for the holiday. So Jace and I made our plans and arrangements to fit our schedule and include my family in there as well. Out of NOWHERE I got a phone call from my SIL jamie, letting me know that the Utah hunts were all coming down spur of the moment.

Now, if you have been following me for years, or if you know me, you know that Christmas' since I've been married have not been our favorite. One family does what they want when they want to, but gets upset (or has gotten upset) if we happen to not be there. The other family just tries to make it work out that we can see each other. Jace and I also have been trying to start our own family traditions and everything always gets complicated. Basically, normally I stress so much that I make myself sick. Well, this year I was already sick--so it fit that my Christmas was going to be stressful.

I tried to spend extra time with the Hunts (as much as I could with us being sickly), and plan my little family's traditions, as well as make sure we were part of what we had planned with my family.

Christmas Eve we went and had a yummy dinner at the Hunts. We talked and spent time together. Unfortunately since they started later than was planned we didnt get to stay for their annual crepe paper ball.

We then went to my parents celebrated Melanie's birthday, got a special visit from Ann and Pat, and participated in our Christmas program where Jace and I sung a new song that had all of us in tears. The kiddos got to open 2 presents from Grandma and Papa, kids got into their jammies (that were the boy and girl version of each other--that we didnt even plan!!), we discussed Christmas morning and times and went home!!

Nash was up and down all night. It was very miserable for both of us. I went to our orange tree and picked 3 gallons worth of oranges and juiced them until 12:30 am. Santa finished setting up around midnight (its so easy when you have one kid and they are still under 2), We woke up , had to wake Nash up and started opening presents by 7:30. Nash was so out of it--he didnt care about anything. However, he got a train table! and a ball pit from santa, new church clothes, and new shoes, candy, books, 4 different types of balls, a few stuffed animals, a new water bottle, and a "tar" just like his daddy's guitar.

Jace and I both got new water bottles and our favorite candies. I got him a chainsaw and surprised him with the old Batman cartoons we grew up with on DVD. He built me my mantle, got me a misfit (a generic fitbit lol), and a very delicate gold necklace.

I then got up and made biscuits (my first ever!) to take to breakfast at my parents.

My grandparents had this tradition of making all their kids and grandkids breakfast when they came over to open their presents on Christmas Day. After both my grandparents passed, my Uncle Gary has continued on that tradition with everyone pitching in. This year, he had all of his kids and grandkids under his roof for the first time in many years and decided that they wanted to be together just them.

SO. we had to revise our 20 year old tradition. I made the homemade orange juice (uncle gary was normally in charge of) and the biscuits (my aunt joyce was in charge of those). My mom and Dad did scrambled eggs and bacon, and hashbrowns I believe. It was delicious.

Then we opened presents. Jane could hardly contain herself she was so excited!! We went by person. As our family grows that will probably have to change, but it worked out. We gave jane a magnetized dolly dress up book (frozen of course!). We gave Samantha a stuffed kitty. We gave Randy and Joe the same matching shirts that said "World's okayest brother" HA! We gave Jeff and Melanie a photo book that I made of Samantha's first year (I did the same with Jane). We gave my parents a cute throw pillow with the names of the grandkids in the shape of a heart.

People were so generous to us. Joe gave us a gift card to Applebees and a babysitting coupon for a date night, Randy gave me a beautiful necklace, jeff and melanie gave me a giant clock to put above my new mantle!, mom and dad gave me a studio lighting kit for my photography business, got jace a skill saw!, and gave so many other fun things (knife sharpener, apron, books, etc). Nash was spoiled and got a musical car from grandma and papa, a musical plane from jeff and melanie, a mickey car from jane and sammie, and          from uncle Joe.

We cleaned up and went home for Nash's nap.

When he got up, we got ourselves over to the Hunts. :) We gave Jeff and Kara the same type of pillow as my parents, but they have 7 grandkids on there (including the newest 4 week old Asher). We had Jen and Ken this year and shipped all the presents up to Utah. Once they decided to come here they brought them with them, so we could see them open them. We got Calvin a couple of new books, Asher got a soft and silky blanket, we gave movie tickets and a family tree frame (complete with pictures already in it!!) to Jen and Ken. Then we opened gifts and people were very generous again. Nash got a blankie from nana and popa, a fire truck from his great grandma van (pretty sure...), a car from Gracie, a pillow pet dolphin from josh and jamie, and a pull along puppy from jen and ken (again, i'm pretty sure...). Kara made us a pretty Lion and Lamb plaque, grandma van gave us turtles and a fruit bowl, and jeff and mindy gave us cash. ;)

We spent a few hours there talking and holding Asher and then we left to go put Nash to bed. Over the next couple of days we spent more time with the Hunts as they were leaving and I finally started feeling better. It was exhausting, but all in all a good Christmas. Next year I think Nash will be more excited for it, and hopefully we arent sick again!

Picture overload about to commence. Starting at Christmas Eve to Christmas Day.

((i left my camera behind Christmas eve for the hunts. those photos are on my phone and i'm too tired right now to transfer them. i'll have to come back and do that)

I had pillows made for both grandmas. My mom's has a heart with the names "Jane, Nash, Samantha" over and over. Kara's has the same heart but with "Grace, Corbin, Aly, Alaric, Ryker, Calvin, Nash, Asher".

Enas and her kids

I've been photographing lots of parties in the last few months. 

From Holiday Family Reunions, to baby showers, to birthday parties. 

Last weekend, I drove out to Chandler and spent some time at Tumbleweed park with Enas and her two kids. Little Mister N turned 5 and Little Miss N turned 1. This was very fun for me. 

They had a bounce house for the kids, lots of delicious middle Eastern food, and lots of people who loved those kids.

Trying to find some peace

Miller Family

In January, I hosted a giveaway on Facebook. It was for a free hour family session or a 75 minute engagement/maternity session. I had quite a few people enter, and was pleasantly surprised since it was my first giveaway. 

The lucky winner was Alison. She said that they haven't really had family pictures since her last baby was born and this would be really wonderful for them!! 

We set up a time and place and that was this last weekend!! I met with the Miller family at Mesa Riverview Park. It is one of my favorite places to shoot at right now, because it has so many different areas!! Its got a fountain (that was being worked on, boo!), its got a lake, hills, splash pad, and jungle gym for the kids!! The only problem is that its typically busy. That day was no exception. The Millers had never been there before so we got a little bit of a later start than I had hoped...but I still think the end result was great. Alison's boys are all very cute and i'm happy to be able to get them new updated pictures!!

The worth of a {mom} soul

This may be jumbled. This may only make sense to me. However, I feel impressed to write down my thoughts and feelings right now, so I'm going to do it.

Growing up, I had a very close relationship to my mother. We all did. My father is a wonderful man, but he was a little aloof when we were growing up. My mom is the one who made sure we got to our appointments, our lessons, our practices or games. She was the one making dinner, talking about our day, fixing boo boos, and teaching us things. My dad worked hard. He provided for the family and I knew he loved me. However, he didn't come to recitals or games unless my mom made him. However, he participated in things I know he hated...like the stake roadshow doing a daddy daughter dance to make me happy. But it was my mom I was close to. 

{side note: as I got older, my father and I have a much better relationship, we are much closer and I am grateful to have a good relationship with both of my parents}

As a member of my faith, there is great importance put on the mother and the father in different capacities. The father, the priesthood holder, the patriarch. The mother, the nurturer, the "glue". I grew up hearing and learning wonderful things about being a mother. Raising up the coming generation in the Gospel. Helping them have a relationship with their Heavenly Father. Teaching them manners, teaching them compassion, teaching them kindness and love. Teaching them to serve and look for ways to help others. To accept callings in the church, to work hard in all that they do. To pursue endeavors even if they scared them. To explore their talents. To help them to lift one another up and to ease others burdens.

With my infertility struggle...year after year of not being able to become a mother...I started to lose hope. To question myself. To question my worth. I was put on this Earth to bear children and rear them and teach them to love the Lord. And I was failing. My body wasn't doing what it was intended to. I know that at certain times, Satan was telling me that I wasn't worthy to become a mother. That I had done something wrong or that I wasn't going to be a very good mom to begin with and that is why it was being held from me. Eventually, I'd be able to push those thoughts and feelings away, realize where they were coming from, and move on. But it is so hard. And he is relentless.

Once I finally got pregnant, it was a miracle!! I was so overjoyed and eagerly anticipated my role as a mother. My husband and I had been having some difficulty in our marriage, but I thought it was the strain from the infertility. Things didn't get easier. It was very hard to see my worth at times. Then I developed preeclampsia making it difficult to do my normal things...and I felt that my husband was resentful. I had an unexpected early birth...and the Lord blessed us...Nash was perfect.

I was about to see my role as a mother start.

It was not easy, I knew it wouldn't be. However...I didn't anticipate my blood pressure not returning to normal. I didn't expect to be sick and tired and have it not have anything to do with my newborn. I didn't expect my problems in my marriage to continue and get worse, because my husband felt like I wasn't doing enough as a mom. I was asking too much of him to help out. In short...I felt worthless. My poor baby boy was so colicky...and had such bad reflux. Turns out because of his preemie status, his bowels didn't develop right and so he was in pain alot. I wanted to breastfeed so badly and Nash couldn't latch...so I pumped. And pumped and pumped. My health was iffy, my husband not helping, and I wasn't sleeping. It was a recipe for disaster. I finally got help in the form of medication. And it did help. But Satan kept one foot in the door, just reminding me that I wasn't worth it to my husband to help some. I was a shell of a woman because not only could I not conceive, but now I couldn't feed my son. I was fighting quite the battle that no one was seeing. Except for my Heavenly Father. And every now and then, when I was at my breaking point, I would read something like this:

"When you have come to the Lord in meekness and lowliness of heart and, as one mother said, “pounded on the doors of heaven to ask for, to plead for, to demand guidance and wisdom and help for this wondrous task,” that door is thrown open to provide you the influence and the help of all eternity. Claim the promises of the Savior of the world. Ask for the healing balm of the Atonement for whatever may be troubling you or your children. Know that in faith things will be made right in spite of you, or more correctly, because of you.

You can’t possibly do this alone, but you do have help. The Master of Heaven and Earth is there to bless you—He who resolutely goes after the lost sheep, sweeps thoroughly to find the lost coin, waits everlastingly for the return of the prodigal son. Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be magnified, compensated, made more than you are and better than you have ever been as you try to make honest effort, however feeble you may sometimes feel that to be.

Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. And “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope.” ¹¹ You are doing God’s work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days and your nights may be the most challenging."

And I would feel better. I spent alot of time with my own mother, who helped me. Calmed me. Encouraged me. And cried with me. Her worth was so great in my eyes. I just wanted to be like that for my Nash.

This past year, things have been so hard. Jace finally disclosed that he has had an addiction our entire marriage. Finally things were making sense from years earlier. However, with this new information, I was wondering what was wrong with me. Was I not enough? Am I still not enough? What could I have done differently? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? 

I know, that it wasn't about me. It has absolutely nothing to do with me. However, Satan uses every little thing he can, to push self doubt and make you feel horrible. It has been a battle this year between me and Satan and his horrible, stupid thoughts he keeps throwing at me.

Nash turns 2 next month. He is...challenging...(i guess that's a good word for it!) right now. He is pushing limits and boundaries...testing me to see if I'll follow through on things. Jace works long hours...and Nash doesn't see him until 7-8 PM every night. Jace comes home and is the "fun" parent. Nash cant wait to see his dad. He constantly is asking for him during the day. He looks for him around every corner. 

And instead of making me feel happy that he loves his dad so much, I feel jealous and sad. I feel that in my child's eye, i'm not worth a whole lot. Nash never wants to see me. He doesn't come running to me, he doesn't give me squeezes, He definitely doesn't go around looking for me. And it hurts. So much. I literally give my all to him...because I am his mother and I love him so much I cant believe it sometimes. And it seems like he wants everyone BUT me. And I'm not exaggerating...its actually true. I work some days and he is babysat...and when I come to pick him up, he is mad that he has to come with me. I try my best to be a good mom. We play with trains and toys, we go to parks, we play on the trampoline and swing and go down slides, we go for walks, we read lots of books together, I do little primary lessons and sing songs, I try to teach him of Jesus, we have dance parties in the kitchen while I'm trying to make dinner or do dishes...and yet somehow, all I feel that he takes away, is that I'm the one who spanks his bottom, or raises her voice, or puts him in timeout.

 I'm the one he doesn't want to be around. 

In short...I have felt VERY worthLESS lately.

I decided, that while I was sobbing uncontrollably (in my dark living room, clutching a pillow for support) that I would listen to Elder Hollands talk from last conference. If you haven't read it, please do so. I'll include the link here. I've read it before, many times, but do me a favor and LISTEN to him. Listen to his voice and the love he has for you. And I dare you not to feel like you are worth more than you can imagine. 

My problems are not solved. But I know that I am a daughter of God. I am a mother in Zion and I have a beautiful little boy that hopefully, someday, will want to be my best little friend. It wont change how I feel about him or how I act towards him if he doesn't. My role is that of mother. And that will never change.

"To all of our mothers everywhere, past, present, or future, I say, “Thank you. Thank you for giving birth, for shaping souls, for forming character, and for demonstrating the pure love of Christ.” To Mother Eve, to Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel, to Mary of Nazareth, and to a Mother in Heaven, I say, “Thank you for your crucial role in fulfilling the purposes of eternity.” To all mothers in every circumstance, including those who struggle—and all will—I say, “Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are. In fact, you are saviors on Mount Zion,¹³ and like the Master you follow, your love ‘never faileth.’¹⁴ ” I can pay no higher tribute to anyone."