Self Induced Panic Attack

 I'm a worrier. I am. A trait I have inherited from my dear, sweet mother.

I always have been a worrier...not being able to sleep well before the first night of school, or before a test (any test, mind you), getting so panic-y before a playing test in orchestra that my chest started to tighten up.

Any time i go out of my comfort zone (and i MAKE myself do this often), the tight, hard to breathe, panic induced asthma like symptoms start...

like when my brother in laws were going to volunteer me for the "newlywed" game in front of the whole cruise ship that also would be aired at least once a day on the tv's in ALL of the rooms....yeah. i almost killed them.

when i interviewed for a position at MCC. one i knew i would be perfect for (and was btw), but still had to control my breathing and reminding myself that even if i wasnt accepted everything was going to be fine.

any time i have to give a talk in church. (i truly do enjoy speaking and preparing the talk, but boy do i get nervous once i stand up to that pulpit)

or like when someone i thought was "the one" broke my heart the day before finals week started and i had to try and concentrate only on my schooling while my mind was reeling.

As a joke i call it self induced panic attacks.

But sometimes its not funny at all.

For a year, i couldnt sleep without a sleep aid. I had WAY too much going on in my head that I was worrying about...it wouldnt turn off.

Since i've been married, I havent really needed a sleep aid. I generally have gotten better at controlling my worrying/panicking. Dont get me wrong...I still panic and i definitely still worry...ALOT.

Take for instance, what i'm calling the "dress situation". My best friend in the entire world is getting married! I'm excited for her. She's not a member of the LDS church and so its a YEAR LONG engagement. Kill me. I'm the type of person that needs to get everything done and situated ASAP! My 4 month engagement was a month too long.

Anywho...she asked me to be a Co-Matron of Honor! I'm so excited! The only "problem" is that the dresses that she has chosen...i'm not able to wear. They aren't modest enough. So i've been on the search for a modest dress (which is hard ANYWAYS), but also in the exact shade of coral. Its been quite depressing. Getting one of the other dresses and having it altered was an option if i wanted to pay HUNDREDS of dollars.

I honestly have been worrying about this so much. To the point of my little panic attacks. I've been dreaming horrible dreams of being at the wedding, but not being in the wedding party because i couldnt find a dress. And it wakes me up you guys. Not cool.

BUT TODAY.

a friend of mine named Ali posted a picture on pinterest...of a modest, coral dress...that was ON FREAKING SALE. i bought it. it'll be here in a week. and then i'll take it to the bridal store to make sure it matches the dresses there (color wise), and if it doesnt then they have a 30 day return policy.

I CANT EXPRESS HOW EXCITED I AM!
squeal.

I'll post a picture of it when it comes :)

Thanks Ali!

Afraid to Admit

Do you ever have things that you are afraid to admit to people.

...or even to yourself?

I discovered that I do.

Its my MOAS. :) That is a reference to NCIS (in case you were wondering) and it stands for:

"Mother Of All Secrets".

But its not at the same time. 

Jace and I want a baby so badly...this is not news to anyone who reads this blog.

I get discouraged to hear about all of my friends pregnancies, but love to see them with their children. I feel like I am quite the Yo-Yo. Seriously.

My SIL announced a couple of months ago that she was pregnant...and i bawled like a baby on the phone to my mom. I lost it. (she has 2 beautiful kids that we just love to death). Then this last month they went into the ER for an ultrasound and found out she had kidney stones...and oh, yeah, no big deal they just found another baby in there too. (you think i lost it bad when i first learned she was pregnant, you shouldve seen me after the shock wore off from THAT phone call).

My cousin J just announced she is pregnant with her second (her first just turned one this summer) and while i was so stinking happy for her, i felt my smile slip away and my head start to hang. 

My friend L is getting ready to have her baby any day now...and she has documented the pregnancy well. Through Instagram, Blogging, Facebook....and she has every right to, but man alive, its hard to see someone have everything you want and cant seem to have and its plastered everywhere you turn.

 

Jace just got his promotion and we are looking into a way to eliminate most of our debt this year. We are finally getting into a really good place. Debt free (ish), good jobs, building our savings up...and this should be the time we wrap our heads around going into my doctor and starting treatment so we can have our very own baby. To start our eternal family beyond just the 2 of us.

...but here is my MOAS.

Im scared to go into my doctor. The last time i was in there he said that my PCOS was getting worse. And since then i've found out that I'm at a 50% chance for ovarian cancer since my mom tested positive for that gene. And i need to be tested. And to be honest...i'm terrified. If i have the gene, the doctors want me to have my kids ASAP and then have a hysterectomy. They are talking as early as 30-35. I'm already at a 50% chance for breast cancer (since my mom had it), and they dont want to take any chances. 

So WHAT IF? What if i go in there and my PCOS is EVEN WORSE. What if I go in there and he tells me that i cant have a baby? What if i go in there and i test positive for this gene? What if i have to have MAJOR surgery way sooner than i ever thought i'd have to?

I'm scared. and being scared has made me STUCK. I'm in a holding pattern. Im frozen and can't move forward, and you can never move backwards. I just dont know what to do.

To be honest, i didnt even realize that i was scared to go into my doctor. I didnt realize i was putting off my appointment because of that. I didnt realize that i had a MOAS. That i was afraid to admit...even to myself.

And if i'm being honest...I havent prayed to my Heavenly Father about this, in particular, in quite some time. 

So. today is a new day.

i'll be making an appointment with my doctor.

and by golly. we are starting to fast and pray about having a baby.

You all are welcome to join in. 

:)

Day 12

We weighed in on day 10. Sadly we haven't lost any weight, but we are starting to feel like our bodies are EVER SO SLOWLY starting to change. We sure are sore enough, there had better be results! I have done more push ups in these 12 days than i think i have EVER done.

Our first goal was to be down weight and look/feel good by our anniversary in October. I was feeling major pressure so we pushed it back to Christmas. That gives us more than 3 months. We still plan on exercising everyday (except Sunday of course), but with my PCOS I'm not sure how long its going to take me to lose the weight I'm wanting to.

Regardless of if i lose weight or not, my goal is to be healthy and happy. Something that i'm not so much at the moment. I'm sure it'll be good, and things will get better!

News and Lameness

FIRST, the NEWS!

#1. JACE GOT THE PROMOTION HE INTERVIEWED FOR!!!! His manager told him yesterday, and said she was very impressed with him and that he definitely exceeded her expectations. (that last part was kinda mean...i thought so anyways). Do you guys know what this means for us?! Jace will have almost a 50% pay increase. We are in desperate need of that!! Our goal for this next year is to be able to pay down almost (if not all) of our credit card debt, AND put a good chunk of money into our baby fund. BECAUSE of his new position we get to switch our insurance plan, WHICH means as soon as we have a good foundation for our baby fund WE CAN GO IN TO START TREATMENT TO GET PREGNANT! Also, for full time employees, Wells Fargo will match up to $5,000 for schooling which means that Jace will FINALLY start school in the Spring!!! Praises.

I want to thank everyone who prayed, fasted, & thought good thoughts for us in the last few weeks/months. It means so much to us to have family and friends willing to do that and more importantly who are just there for us.

#2. Our niece Grace started KINDERGARTEN this week, my BABY brother Joe started his SENIOR year, our nephew Corbin will start PRESCHOOL, and our niece Jane started CRAWLING! You guys! There is some major craziness happening in our family right now!

#3. Jace's parents are on their mission in South Dakota and LOVING it! They are doing so good, and they are helping so many! They were set to come home in October in some time, but we think they are going to extend for another 6 months! We are excited for them to continue their mission.

#4. We are on day 10 of our workout. Everyday we feel like we are dying. LOL. We weigh in for the first time tomorrow. We'll see how we've done with our "diet" and exercise so far.

AND NOW FOR THE LAMENESS.

This blog is still private. I am able to check the stats of how many times this blog has been viewed. I had 26 views yesterday and only ONE person give input on whether i should switch to public! Lame. But a shout out to Rachel who commented, thanks Rach!

And for everyone else, i wasn't kidding! I need your input! :)

Too much...privacy?

(say privacy, but in a english accent...and thats how i said it while typing it...just fyi)

Do i go back to being a public blog? I had to go private initially because of a lawsuit...and then i kept it private because i thought maybe it was a good idea.

But the thing is, new posts never show up for private blogs and ive had a lot of people "complain" that they were missing out because they never knew those posts had existed! I mean my cousin hadnt looked at my blog in months because new posts werent showing on her side bar.

So. Back to my question. Do i change my privacy settings? We dont have kids, and honestly i dont think i post anything that i would be embarrassed about a larger audience reading.

Input! Help!



oh. also, today's high was 117 degrees. my car registered at 125 degrees. the summer finally smacked me in the face. with a vengeance.

August Happenings

So...couple things have come up.

One.

Did i tell you Jace's brother and his wife are expecting? No? Oh. well, no big thing...just TWINS. holy cow. they are going to have 4 under the age of 5. More power to them.

Two.

Jace has his interview for the banker position this thursday. I am way more nervous than he is. We need this so badly!

Three.

We painted our apartment from 4 pm-7 pm and 12 am-3:30 am last night/this morning. i love the color. it was just like i was picturing it.

Four.

I am working a really long week starting tuesday. I'm not looking forward to it at all.

Five.

In the past 3 days i have had 2 friends get married, 1 get engaged, 2 baby showers, and found out the gender on my friends new baby. People are being super busy bees!

Six.

Our niece Grace starts kindergarten this week. My baby brother starts his SENIOR year. I'm freaking out.

DAY THREE

killed us.

literally.

jace's legs gave out on him and he crumpled to the floor.

i havent been able to bend over without wanting to cry.

i have no one to blame but myself.

seeing as this was my idea.

...

...

...

i need to stop having ideas.