There are only a few things in life that have truly frightened me.
Never getting married.
Never having kids.
Thats it. That is all my young brain registered as truly scary. I was afraid of the dark, but quickly grew out of that. I was afraid of sharks, and now they are one of my favorite animals. But these four...man, i was hung up on them.
I remember falling in love and planning a wedding...which then FELL through. My heart broke and i was JUST sure that i was never going to get married. You guys...i was 20. I was SO young. And i know that my irrational fear of drowning is crazy, because lets face it, you'd pass out before you died and in reality there are many worse ways to go.
I still am dealing with the fear of never having kids. But, I know in my heart that God has a plan for me and I should have more faith in that plan. I WILL become a mom...eventually.
I have overcome all of my fears (but one) and instead have now replaced them all with one big one.
My experience with cancer is quite vast actually. My grandpa died when I was 5 to prostate cancer. My Aunt died when i was 12 to pancreatic cancer. My mother almost died when i was 19 thanks to breast cancer. It was sneaky. My Uncle died when i was 22 to colon cancer that went undiagnosed and then metastasized to his bones. My father-in-law went in for a physical last year so they could go on a mission. They found prostate cancer. (hes okay right now, and loving his mission). My mom got tested last year to see if she had the breast cancer gene (and so us kids can get tested) and she doesnt. But she did test positive for ovarian cancer gene. Which meant a hysterectomy right away for her. Which means that I am at 50% chance for both breast and ovarian cancers. At 25 years of age.
Since a young age, I have dealt with death. Its hard, and scary, and sad. I am well acquainted with dealing with funerals, grief, and those who are grieving. I remember that was hard for my husband...he hasn't dealt with death like me.
Its a touchy subject for me. I know what cancer can do. I know that it can sneak up on you and almost tear your family apart. I know that it can be a long, painful, and hard battle to live (my mom and uncle)...and i know that i hate it. More than anything in the world, and it also scares me. I am now worried that I'll have to have a hysterectomy well before i should. My moms doctors suggest that i have my kids as soon as possible and then have the surgery. They are talking about me in 5-10 years. I'm worried that I wont get to do all that I want to, that I wont be there for my husband, that we wont get to start the family we want so desperately.
Every day, I wake up with these thoughts, somewhere down in my subconscious. I am not letting it stop me from living my life now, or even letting it into my conscious thoughts on a regular basis. But deep down its a real, terrifying, bone-chilling fear. One that, especially when i am sad or having a hard time with things, seems to rear its ugly head.
Last night we watched an indie film. I should know better by now. We have watched 3 in the past 6 months. I have hated all 3. They get "too real". Someone always dies at the end. 2 movies ago was about a girl and her husband...they found out they couldn't get pregnant...and then she dies. Hitting a little close to home there. And last nights movie...i picked it out because it was labeled a romantic comedy. LIES. This girl has yet to find love in life (shes in her 30s), and then gets COLON cancer. The movie follows her as she goes through the pain of chemo and finding that the cancer has metastasized and further treatment was not going to work. It followed her grief and anger, as her parents struggle to come to terms with whats happening, her friends trying to be brave for her (and some failing), and then she falls in love. Just in time to die.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This is not entertainment. My husband can attest to this. Watching your spouse bawl for a solid 30 minutes is not a happy thing.
Its too real. Its so scary. I hate cancer.