Where is my blue fairy? Where is my fairy god-mother? Where are Flora, Fauna, and Merry-weather??
I have a wish and I need it to come true.
and wishing on my own doesn't seem to make a difference.
I want a baby.
I want to be a mom.
I want to experience the wonderful feeling of someone growing inside of me.
the miraculous feeling of a baby flip-flopping, or the agonizing feeling of the baby kicking me in the ribs.
the horrible feeling of being nauseous all day.
the exhaustion, the stretch marks, the cravings.
I want it all.
and it seems that i cant have it.
and i feel like my world just keeps shattering over and over.
i love my family and friends. and i am SO happy for them, that they get to have adorable babies, that they get to have the experiences i listed. but i am SO afraid that i'm not going to have that experience. that I'm not going to be a mom.
holding my 3 month old niece the other day made me LONG for a baby to call my own.
hearing all of my friends announce their second pregnancy with funny pictures on Facebook make me want to be able to announce my own.
having my friend Amanda give birth to her 4th! (shes my age) makes me wonder if that will be me someday.
seeing my friend Lauren post a picture of her just as shes starting to "show"... made me burst into tears last night.
Who's sick of me whining? Other than myself.
Seriously. I feel like that's all i do.
But other than getting sealed in the temple, this is THE only thing i have ever wanted.
and as we are going on 3 years of being married and almost 2 years of "trying"...i feel lost. and sad. and confused. and i know jace feels the same, but hes not as vocal about it.
Sorry. I just needed to get that out. I am going to be happy and carry on. I need to realize my blessings and take joy in the things that i do have.
I have a wish and I need it to come true.
and wishing on my own doesn't seem to make a difference.
I want a baby.
I want to be a mom.
I want to experience the wonderful feeling of someone growing inside of me.
the miraculous feeling of a baby flip-flopping, or the agonizing feeling of the baby kicking me in the ribs.
the horrible feeling of being nauseous all day.
the exhaustion, the stretch marks, the cravings.
I want it all.
and it seems that i cant have it.
and i feel like my world just keeps shattering over and over.
i love my family and friends. and i am SO happy for them, that they get to have adorable babies, that they get to have the experiences i listed. but i am SO afraid that i'm not going to have that experience. that I'm not going to be a mom.
holding my 3 month old niece the other day made me LONG for a baby to call my own.
hearing all of my friends announce their second pregnancy with funny pictures on Facebook make me want to be able to announce my own.
having my friend Amanda give birth to her 4th! (shes my age) makes me wonder if that will be me someday.
seeing my friend Lauren post a picture of her just as shes starting to "show"... made me burst into tears last night.
Who's sick of me whining? Other than myself.
Seriously. I feel like that's all i do.
But other than getting sealed in the temple, this is THE only thing i have ever wanted.
and as we are going on 3 years of being married and almost 2 years of "trying"...i feel lost. and sad. and confused. and i know jace feels the same, but hes not as vocal about it.
Sorry. I just needed to get that out. I am going to be happy and carry on. I need to realize my blessings and take joy in the things that i do have.
Don't apologize for being sad! It's okay to feel the way you do, and a little whine now and then helps, I think. My heart goes out to you and Jace and I hope someday this wish will come true for you. I know you'll be an AWESOME mom! I love you lots!
ReplyDeleteI want you to get your wish so badly. I try to be sensitive to this topic, but I take things for granted too much. Oh Andrea. I will pray for you. I am so sorry you are having this experience.
ReplyDeleteI know EXACTLY how you feel. It has been two years plus a research study and Clomid. I just randomly burst into tears sometimes. If I watch or read something sappy about mothers or babies I am a mess. It just feels so empty. When you are growing up you never imagine it will be this hard to start a family. Sigh. Well, I hope it works out for both of us.
ReplyDelete