Our Journey Part 6

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

I got a call that next week on Friday...saying that my doctor wanted to go ahead and remove the Polyp.

SURGERY.

I havent had real surgery (anesthesia and the whole she-bang) since I was 10.

I was nervous to say the least, but again, my confidence in my Doctor out won any nervousness i had.

But here's the kicker. They called Friday afternoon...and need to schedule it for MONDAY if we wanted to try and get pregnant for that month.

That's fast. But we decided that this will be better for me and us getting pregnant in the long run.

So i scheduled it. Jace couldn't get work off, so my mom came to the rescue again. I needed a driver to take me home and make sure i didn't make any important decisions for at least 24 hours.

We went in, I was prepped. I got my IV in (apparently my hand veins are not as wonderful as my elbow veins), did all the paper work, got my gown, socks, and hairnet on.

I was led into the operation room. So bright, so white...so full of male nurses. Lol, i didn't expect that.

They started covering me with heavy, warm blankets...and it was cold and rainy out that day, so i was in heaven.

My anesthesiologist was so nice. He was older and sweet...and i love old men. He asked about what I do for a living...and thats the last thing I remember before waking up in recovery.

I saw my Doctor for about 5 seconds before he zoomed out to talk to my mom. He told me they found a surprise...a 2nd polyp hiding behind the other one. So they took both, and cleared me out.

His nurses made a follow up appointment for a week. That was going to be for another ultrasound to see how i was healing as well as if I had any more follicles grow to start our trigger and do the next step we were choosing to do...no timed intercourse this next time for us.

We were going to do the IUI.

some like it HOT HOT HOT

Its too early for this!

It seriously can NOT be 95 degrees on the 15th of March!

I'm so sad.

So desolate. 

I just wanted ONE week of "spring" temperatures...

Just ONE week of the high being in the 70's. 

I know that I love Arizona. 

And I wouldnt live anywhere else if I had to choose, because man alive do we HATE snow, and the cold...and the "winter" here is in the 50's. And thats pretty freaking sweet.

BUT i so do wish we had a little spring. Someday ill need to go somewhere that actually has it.

Today, while I had a plethora of chores to do (i got a day off, holla!), i chose to go clean my patio, because that meant i could spray myself with the hose as much as I wanted.

Pathetic? Maybe just a tidge. And I'm okay with that.

Disappointment

Disappointment is hard. Its tough.

It doesn't matter if its minor, or something major--the reality of it is that disappointment is a pain to go through.

I had my share of disappointments growing up...

I never got along with girls my age. I always wanted friends SO BADLY, and was told "sorry Andrea,  we cant hang out with you. you just aren't cool enough for us." ((true story))

I wanted a sister so badly to make up for the fact that I had no real friends to play with...and then my little brother Joe made his debut into the world.

There were the boys I wanted to pay attention to me, that only ever saw me as the "buddy"...the girl who was fun to hang out with, but they would NEVER date. No. That was reserved for my best friend.

There was the boy who i thought i was going to marry. We talked about it till we were blue in the face.  And then he called me and said that he just couldn't do it. So we broke up.

and so on.

My biggest disappointment TO DATE though would be that I cant seem to get pregnant. All I ever wanted to be was a mom...I never thought for a SECOND that it might be hard, or impossible. Poor Jace...I feel like I'm a disappointment to him. I know that I'm not. I know that he loves me...all of me...even the part that is making it ridiculously difficult for us to become parents, but I also know he wants to be a dad and my body is preventing that right now.

I was sitting reflecting today about disappointment.

About how we all go through it.

About how alot of us go through it feeling so alone. Like no one can quite understand us.

Part of it is that i don't know if we know how to fully and truly express the disappointment we feel.

Maybe that's just me. I tend to keep things inside of me. You know the old adage of "Fake it till you make it"?? that has been my motto growing up. 

But I think that its OKAY to express your disappointment in things. Its okay that others know you're hurting, or that you don't have it all together all the time. 

And its wonderful when we can be there for someone else. To be that friend or family member, or heck, co-worker or even an internet friend who found you on your blog that you've never actually met. 

I think its good for the soul to be able to express disappointment...because then you can move on.

And I think its wonderful for the soul to be of service to someone, to show love and compassion with no strings attached.

Sorry if this was rambling...I've had alot of quiet time to think today and this is what kept popping up in my head. I decided i'd better write it down. 

Anxious

I have anxiety. I've discussed this before on the blog here

This month has been the worst for me.

I know its mostly because we've started seeing a specialist and we are hopeful to be pregnant soon.

For so long, my life seemed to be in such a rut. I did the same thing everyday with nothing really changing. A year ago we had alot of changes...We moved and got settled...got new ward callings, and Jace started a new job.

Since then...its been fairly "stale", if you will.

But since January we had something to look forward to. Something that we were hoping for and praying for and something we were so excited for.

And we've had our disappointments.

March and April are the "happy" months (generally). Its the perfect temperature in the valley, the beautiful flowers start blooming, for some its spring break!, and then we get to look forward to Easter. Everything starts anew after the winter.

Well, March has been, like, the slowest month for me. I decorated for St. Patty's Day on the 1st, and i'm ready for the green to be down. I'm just antsy. I'm anxious. I want things to change so badly, that I can hardly stand it!!!

Its like an itch that you cant scratch!!! And its driving me crazy. 

Okay...rant over.

Back Pain

So about 7 years ago, I had a little bit of an accident.

I threw my back out for about 2 months. 

Since then, my back has never been the same.

I go for a long time without it really bothering me, but as soon as I do anything active (like water skiing, bike riding, etc) it starts acting up and hurting alot. It gets to the point that I cant sit in chairs for very long without having to readjust (even really comfy/padded chairs), and my bed isn't even comfortable to me when my back acts up.

Its my lower back...and it goes down to my tailbone.

I've gone to a miropractor (and she works miracles on me) but it doesn't last. And i've done chiropractors and its just made it worse.

Does anyone has anything to suggest to make it feel better? 

Are there any special stretches that I should try or balms or anything? I'd appreciate any input you can give!!

Our Journey Part 5

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4


The call said that I wasn't pregnant.

I was numb. The nurse on the phone was so sorry and so sad.

My mom was really worried about me.

I told her I was okay...disappointed, but okay. I promised her I was fine.

I really thought I was.

Then Jace got home from work, we talked for a few short minutes...and then I lost it.

I mean, huge sobs that shook the house, and where you get hiccups halfway through crying that don't go away, and make you almost inaudible as you talk (or try to).

Jace was flabbergasted. He told me, "I told you that you weren't pregnant...(which set me off, i tell you what) we don't even have our tests back yet!"

I KNEW the chances to get pregnant on the first go, without our test results back, were slim.
I knew that I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up...and I really tried not to. Seriously.

But, I should've known that of COURSE I was going to get my hopes up!
I want this THAT bad.

But. ((deep breath))

Life goes on, and another month, means another chance. (unfortunately more medications AND extra in this case as well.)

Shout out

I just wanted to give a shout out to my husband.

He was so sweet yesterday to me.

I've been struggling with lots of things lately. (not getting pregnant, lots of medicine, hormone shots, lots of doctor appointments, and crazy agitation thanks in large part to the extra hormones we are pumping into my body)

Yesterday was a bad day.

Nothing horrible, or extremely significant. But I was stressed out, and very frustrated.

Jace came home from work--and while I was finishing making dinner--he listened to everything I had to say/complain about. 

Then I took a warm bath, and when I got out, he turned on one of my favorite TV shows and rubbed my feet for what seemed like forever. (to him, i'm sure)

I was so relaxed.

 and I was reminded about hows grateful i am for that husband of mine.

thanks baby.