Wow.
Every time I think that there can NOT be possibly more information to take on in regards to fertility, I AM MISTAKEN!
For you women who can get pregnant and not think about it, I feel it would truly blow your mind. I have been going through infertility for 8 years, and treatments for 7 AND I'M CONSTANTLY BLOWN AWAY.
The amount of medications, the amount of doctors appointments, the decisions, the financial burden...its all truly astronomical.
I am starting preparing my body for my embryo transfer, whereby i will (God willing) be pregnant. I'm on so many pills and supplements already. I just picked up my meds for the next 4 weeks...totaling almost $2,000 and it fills my kitchen counter. I will have 4 different alarms set for different medications every SINGLE day. Some meds do the same thing, but cant be taken at the same time, or in the same vein. So like, in the AM and PM i'll be doing pills of one medication, but also right before bed I'll be using a vaginal cream. SAME TYPE OF MEDICATION. Its just crazy town. I will be giving myself shots again and I will be doing upwards of 3 different injections PLUS all the pills and creams almost every single day.
I AM OVERWHELMED.
Plus, while I'm preparing my body for transfer, you have "check in" appointments, where they draw blood, do ultrasounds, tests to make sure my uterus is open (no freaking polyps please!), and scratch the heck out of my lining so the embryo has a nice soft pillow to bury itself into.
I've passed 2 out of 3 tests so far, clearing me for my transfer date.
Please pray for us, for me, and for our embryos!! We are so ready for this part of this journey to be done and move onto the next!!
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Monday, August 3, 2020
Friday, June 5, 2020
Covid19
I've been thinking about, processing, dealing with, etc for now 12 weeks about the novel coronavirus--covid19.
TWELVE WEEKS. 3 months.
That is how long I've had Nash home 24/7. That is how long we have been in "quarantine".
My mother keeps saying that I need "to write it all down. my kids and grandkids will want to know." but honestly, its felt so very overwhelming I didnt know where to start. And honestly, I still dont. There is so much that wont be said...mostly because its been so much that I cant remember it all.
A short breakdown: A horrible virus "escaped" from a lab in Wuhan China. Chinese officials lied about how many got sick and how many were dying. The WHO also didnt report real numbers. This virus attacks the respiratory system and especially in those with weakened immune systems, or those who have pre-existing conditions. However, it doesnt care who it infects. The elderly, men, women, children....healthy, pre-existing conditions, what have you. So many thousands have died. It has affected so many different nations.
The world as a whole was on lockdown trying to slow the spread of this virus.
Our president shut down our borders, no one in or out.
We were asked to stay in our homes and quarantine. Businesses were shut down, doors locked. Unless you were essential...thankfully Jace works for the bank...which was essential. We were not left without income. However, my photography business was shuttered for 2 months. I'm just barely getting it back up and running. Jace was now working from home...to make sure we werent being exposed.
We have my parents and randy especially who would not survive if he contracted this. We have been very careful.
I had a sinus infection and needed to get antibiotics from my doctor at the start of all this. I was asked to wear a mask (we all were later on), wait in my car while they prepared a special room for me, I was taken in a back door to avoid everyone else ::in case:: my symptoms were that of covid. They werent....it was a sinus infection.
You were/are still supposed to be shopping once a week. One person in a mask, once a week to limit exposure. People freaked out and bought everything. It was hard to find food and supplies for almost 2 months. Now we know why our church leaders have been telling us to have a supply of food on hand...a year is best, but at minimum a 3 month supply. I was doing the shopping for my family and my parents so they didnt have exposure. Milk was limited to 1 gallon a person (if you could find it). The stores 3 months later are just starting to have bleach and toilet paper on their shelves. They still arent stocked but they are starting to be signs of things coming back. Cleaning supplies, hand sanitizer, frozen foods, meat, bread, milk, eggs, and ANY paper goods--plates, TP, paper towels, etc, FLOUR, sugar, salt, rice....all of that has been GONE. I have been lucky and found some TP here and there....finally found some flour at costco and some rice at Frys. Everything has been piece meal. It has been truly crazy.
Through the craziness of the food shortage...I never felt panic though. We had enough. We would be okay. And we have been. Its all about having Faith over Fear. I have trusted in my Heavenly Father and we have been blessed.
I have been doing my best to reach out and minister to our families. I have been baking bread and sharing it.
We planted a garden with our tax return this year. It happened right after quarantine. We have been wanting to and this got our butts in gear. We have already harvested some radishes. We have a head of lettuce growing, a couple of carrots, radishes, some sweet peas, some broccoli, some bell pepper plants (with one pepper), a cherry tomato plant, and some watermelon. It has been trial and error and I think i've finally figured it out. We installed a drip system and its nice to not have to go out and water twice a day. Nash planted some flowers from seeds and they are starting to bloom. He is over the moon.
School was cancelled immediately. I became a homeschool mom with someone elses curriculum. The school adjusted as best as possible with online learning. It was trippy. We would go get lunch a couple days a week at the school, even though we couldnt get out of the car or see anyone really, it was a chance to get out of the house. I cried one of the times I got to go get some groceries for pick up. I miss having anytime of quiet now.
My anxiety has been up and down and up and down. Through all of this though, I have been honest with Nash in the simplest way without adding fear. He understands that he cant see his friends, or go to school, go to church, play coach pitch, go to his singing class, or even hang out at his grandparents, because we want to keep everyone as safe as possible. He knows that this virus is killing people. He knows that momma and daddy want him safe and healthy.
All of our temples and church houses were closed. What a weird and scary time. We had General Conference at home broadcasted as usual, but the only people allowed during conference were those speaking. The music was pre-recorded. The brethren were sitting 6 feet apart in social distancing standards. President Nelson announced a new symbol for our church. And new temples. And his love and faith that everything will be okay. We also got to participate in a Hosanna Shout. Nash's first. And we were invited to participate in a WORLD WIDE fast. <3 nbsp="" p="">
We have been able to have Sacrament meeting in our home and that has been special. I hope Nash always remembers that. All missionaries were sent back to their home countries. Some are finally getting reassigned within their home countries.
My business was able to officially open March 18th with new policies due to covid19.
Some businesses arent open yet in the country. Everyone is having to open in phases.
Schools for Arizona announced yesterday that they will reopen in the fall, but there will be major changes. We are supposed to hear what that means in June. I am nervous.
Nash asked when we will get back to normal. I told him that we will never go back to what was his normal. Things will be new. We will deal with and adapt as best as we can.
My fertility doctor called and since Arizona is opening things up, we can resume with our IVF plans. Its happening and its scary and we are in a scary time, but I'm not waiting. Faith over Fear. Its been our motto and will continue to be so.
TWELVE WEEKS. 3 months.
That is how long I've had Nash home 24/7. That is how long we have been in "quarantine".
My mother keeps saying that I need "to write it all down. my kids and grandkids will want to know." but honestly, its felt so very overwhelming I didnt know where to start. And honestly, I still dont. There is so much that wont be said...mostly because its been so much that I cant remember it all.
A short breakdown: A horrible virus "escaped" from a lab in Wuhan China. Chinese officials lied about how many got sick and how many were dying. The WHO also didnt report real numbers. This virus attacks the respiratory system and especially in those with weakened immune systems, or those who have pre-existing conditions. However, it doesnt care who it infects. The elderly, men, women, children....healthy, pre-existing conditions, what have you. So many thousands have died. It has affected so many different nations.
The world as a whole was on lockdown trying to slow the spread of this virus.
Our president shut down our borders, no one in or out.
We were asked to stay in our homes and quarantine. Businesses were shut down, doors locked. Unless you were essential...thankfully Jace works for the bank...which was essential. We were not left without income. However, my photography business was shuttered for 2 months. I'm just barely getting it back up and running. Jace was now working from home...to make sure we werent being exposed.
We have my parents and randy especially who would not survive if he contracted this. We have been very careful.
I had a sinus infection and needed to get antibiotics from my doctor at the start of all this. I was asked to wear a mask (we all were later on), wait in my car while they prepared a special room for me, I was taken in a back door to avoid everyone else ::in case:: my symptoms were that of covid. They werent....it was a sinus infection.
You were/are still supposed to be shopping once a week. One person in a mask, once a week to limit exposure. People freaked out and bought everything. It was hard to find food and supplies for almost 2 months. Now we know why our church leaders have been telling us to have a supply of food on hand...a year is best, but at minimum a 3 month supply. I was doing the shopping for my family and my parents so they didnt have exposure. Milk was limited to 1 gallon a person (if you could find it). The stores 3 months later are just starting to have bleach and toilet paper on their shelves. They still arent stocked but they are starting to be signs of things coming back. Cleaning supplies, hand sanitizer, frozen foods, meat, bread, milk, eggs, and ANY paper goods--plates, TP, paper towels, etc, FLOUR, sugar, salt, rice....all of that has been GONE. I have been lucky and found some TP here and there....finally found some flour at costco and some rice at Frys. Everything has been piece meal. It has been truly crazy.
Through the craziness of the food shortage...I never felt panic though. We had enough. We would be okay. And we have been. Its all about having Faith over Fear. I have trusted in my Heavenly Father and we have been blessed.
I have been doing my best to reach out and minister to our families. I have been baking bread and sharing it.
We planted a garden with our tax return this year. It happened right after quarantine. We have been wanting to and this got our butts in gear. We have already harvested some radishes. We have a head of lettuce growing, a couple of carrots, radishes, some sweet peas, some broccoli, some bell pepper plants (with one pepper), a cherry tomato plant, and some watermelon. It has been trial and error and I think i've finally figured it out. We installed a drip system and its nice to not have to go out and water twice a day. Nash planted some flowers from seeds and they are starting to bloom. He is over the moon.
(planted March 31st 2020)
(planted March 31st 2020)
School was cancelled immediately. I became a homeschool mom with someone elses curriculum. The school adjusted as best as possible with online learning. It was trippy. We would go get lunch a couple days a week at the school, even though we couldnt get out of the car or see anyone really, it was a chance to get out of the house. I cried one of the times I got to go get some groceries for pick up. I miss having anytime of quiet now.
(our homeschool set up)
My anxiety has been up and down and up and down. Through all of this though, I have been honest with Nash in the simplest way without adding fear. He understands that he cant see his friends, or go to school, go to church, play coach pitch, go to his singing class, or even hang out at his grandparents, because we want to keep everyone as safe as possible. He knows that this virus is killing people. He knows that momma and daddy want him safe and healthy.
All of our temples and church houses were closed. What a weird and scary time. We had General Conference at home broadcasted as usual, but the only people allowed during conference were those speaking. The music was pre-recorded. The brethren were sitting 6 feet apart in social distancing standards. President Nelson announced a new symbol for our church. And new temples. And his love and faith that everything will be okay. We also got to participate in a Hosanna Shout. Nash's first. And we were invited to participate in a WORLD WIDE fast. <3 nbsp="" p="">
We have been able to have Sacrament meeting in our home and that has been special. I hope Nash always remembers that. All missionaries were sent back to their home countries. Some are finally getting reassigned within their home countries.
My business was able to officially open March 18th with new policies due to covid19.
Some businesses arent open yet in the country. Everyone is having to open in phases.
Schools for Arizona announced yesterday that they will reopen in the fall, but there will be major changes. We are supposed to hear what that means in June. I am nervous.
Nash asked when we will get back to normal. I told him that we will never go back to what was his normal. Things will be new. We will deal with and adapt as best as we can.
My fertility doctor called and since Arizona is opening things up, we can resume with our IVF plans. Its happening and its scary and we are in a scary time, but I'm not waiting. Faith over Fear. Its been our motto and will continue to be so.
Wednesday, March 4, 2020
Wellp.
So...my last published post was in June of last year. THAT IS ALMOST A FULL YEAR AGO.
Shame on my journal game.
Well...there really is no way to play catch up. I will do a quick summary of the end of our year in 2019 and beginning of 2020.
In July we splurged and went with my family to Bigfork Montana to see my grandparents. Nash had never met them and the last time I had seen them in person, I announced my pregnancy with him. I missed them. My grandparents are getting older now and their memories are fading a bit. I wanted Nash to know them. Wanted him to remember how my grandma flo puttered around her gorgeous yard and took care of the plants. How my grandpa lee smells and how much he loves seeing his family enjoy his home. Wanted Nash to see my very favorite place on earth that houses so many wonderful memories for me. Before things change. I'm now crying just by writing those few words. I cant think of that week in Montana without being so grateful to Jace for helping to make it happen. I would never have forgiven myself if we hadn't gone.
In August Nash started Kindergarten. It was a brutal month. He cried, I cried. Everyday. We survived.
We picked up fertility treatments in September. They did not go well. Jace's sister had a baby girl.
October brought more disappointment with fertility treatments. We splurged for our 10 year anniversary and went to Boston for 5 days. The change, being kid free, forgetting for a bit about the disappointments was just what we needed. Nash stayed with my parents. He had a blast. I took a million pictures with my phone and uploaded a bunch to Instagram for my Chatbooks. Had lots of clients start up for fall minis.
November brought a "miracle cycle", meds given to us by our doctor for one more treatment. We were sure this was it for us. This was the cycle that was going to give us a shot for a baby. Guess what? It wasnt. It was a hard blow. We decided to stop all treatment and figure it out in the new year. I started detoxing off the hormones and was a wreck. I had so many clients this month. They kept me busy and I was grateful.
December was super busy as well with work. Nash started reading really well. Christmas was nice and laid back. Jace surprised me with an upgraded diamond and that was awesome. Spent lots of time as a family. Grandma Riggs passed away. That was sad. I got to see my cousins Matt, Garrett, and Richie though, and that part was nice.
January 2020 we went to the fertility doctor our insurance covers to discuss IVF. Our insurance said it would be 100% covered (not meds, but still). So we went. Turns out that 100% was a deceiving number. The lab wouldnt be covered. We would still be out well over $12K. The Dr. didnt make us feel comfortable either. The wind was taken out of our sails. I made an appointment to talk with our
"old" doctor to discuss IVF. We had to wait a month. Business was slow. I was in a weird limbo and didnt like it. I was working out everyday and watching was I was eating (on my endocrinologist's suggestions) and wasnt losing weight or changing shape. Getting depressed. Started talking with my cousin Julie about ways to fund/fund raise for IVF. Nash started in a singing group with Jenee Prince once a week.
February killed me with Nash's schedule. Half the month he was only at school for an HOUR every day. I basically lived in my car. He hated it because he didnt get to play with friends and was stuck with me all day every day. It was the worst. He did get to do a field trip to the zoo and I chaperoned. He had a blast. I got in over 14,000 steps that day. He also had his school festival and thought it was awesome. In his own words "its a day i go to school, but dont learn anything, just have fun!" Finally got in to my Dr. He was a breath of fresh air and had multiple options and suggestions (as always). He made us feel more at ease. Talked to his financial girls and found out because of all the $$$ we spent on IUI's we would get a nice little discount on IVF...making it the same cost there as at the new place that made us feel icky. Decided to stay with who we know and who gave us our little miracle 6 years ago. Signed Nash up for coach pitch to start in March. Randy spent a little over a week in the hospital with Pseudomonas.
March--we just started. Nash and I have planned out his birthday party since he is turning 6 in just a couple of weeks. We have all been sick, nash is currently on antibiotics for a sinus infection and I think I may have one too. The coronavirus is kind of scary, running rampant, and infecting everyone. Trying my best to keep my family healthy enough to get through it when it hits. Not panic-ing like lots of people or treating it like its nothing like others. I live in the middle. I'm taking meds that give me migraines and cause swelling in my extremities. Super fun. We planned to go to LA to spend time with Jeff and the girls for the last part of our Spring Break next week. We'll have to see if we will be healthy enough to go. Really could use a break and the beach sounds awesome! Jace's parents and sister and her family are coming during spring break too, so we will get to meet Jen's newest kid--little Elena.
You are now caught up. 9 months condensed pretty well. Of course there were other things that happened...some good, some bad. Life goes on. I will try to do better about posting as this is my journal. I really dont think anyone reads this anymore, so its for me and my posterity.
Shame on my journal game.
Well...there really is no way to play catch up. I will do a quick summary of the end of our year in 2019 and beginning of 2020.
In July we splurged and went with my family to Bigfork Montana to see my grandparents. Nash had never met them and the last time I had seen them in person, I announced my pregnancy with him. I missed them. My grandparents are getting older now and their memories are fading a bit. I wanted Nash to know them. Wanted him to remember how my grandma flo puttered around her gorgeous yard and took care of the plants. How my grandpa lee smells and how much he loves seeing his family enjoy his home. Wanted Nash to see my very favorite place on earth that houses so many wonderful memories for me. Before things change. I'm now crying just by writing those few words. I cant think of that week in Montana without being so grateful to Jace for helping to make it happen. I would never have forgiven myself if we hadn't gone.
In August Nash started Kindergarten. It was a brutal month. He cried, I cried. Everyday. We survived.
We picked up fertility treatments in September. They did not go well. Jace's sister had a baby girl.
October brought more disappointment with fertility treatments. We splurged for our 10 year anniversary and went to Boston for 5 days. The change, being kid free, forgetting for a bit about the disappointments was just what we needed. Nash stayed with my parents. He had a blast. I took a million pictures with my phone and uploaded a bunch to Instagram for my Chatbooks. Had lots of clients start up for fall minis.
November brought a "miracle cycle", meds given to us by our doctor for one more treatment. We were sure this was it for us. This was the cycle that was going to give us a shot for a baby. Guess what? It wasnt. It was a hard blow. We decided to stop all treatment and figure it out in the new year. I started detoxing off the hormones and was a wreck. I had so many clients this month. They kept me busy and I was grateful.
December was super busy as well with work. Nash started reading really well. Christmas was nice and laid back. Jace surprised me with an upgraded diamond and that was awesome. Spent lots of time as a family. Grandma Riggs passed away. That was sad. I got to see my cousins Matt, Garrett, and Richie though, and that part was nice.
January 2020 we went to the fertility doctor our insurance covers to discuss IVF. Our insurance said it would be 100% covered (not meds, but still). So we went. Turns out that 100% was a deceiving number. The lab wouldnt be covered. We would still be out well over $12K. The Dr. didnt make us feel comfortable either. The wind was taken out of our sails. I made an appointment to talk with our
"old" doctor to discuss IVF. We had to wait a month. Business was slow. I was in a weird limbo and didnt like it. I was working out everyday and watching was I was eating (on my endocrinologist's suggestions) and wasnt losing weight or changing shape. Getting depressed. Started talking with my cousin Julie about ways to fund/fund raise for IVF. Nash started in a singing group with Jenee Prince once a week.
February killed me with Nash's schedule. Half the month he was only at school for an HOUR every day. I basically lived in my car. He hated it because he didnt get to play with friends and was stuck with me all day every day. It was the worst. He did get to do a field trip to the zoo and I chaperoned. He had a blast. I got in over 14,000 steps that day. He also had his school festival and thought it was awesome. In his own words "its a day i go to school, but dont learn anything, just have fun!" Finally got in to my Dr. He was a breath of fresh air and had multiple options and suggestions (as always). He made us feel more at ease. Talked to his financial girls and found out because of all the $$$ we spent on IUI's we would get a nice little discount on IVF...making it the same cost there as at the new place that made us feel icky. Decided to stay with who we know and who gave us our little miracle 6 years ago. Signed Nash up for coach pitch to start in March. Randy spent a little over a week in the hospital with Pseudomonas.
March--we just started. Nash and I have planned out his birthday party since he is turning 6 in just a couple of weeks. We have all been sick, nash is currently on antibiotics for a sinus infection and I think I may have one too. The coronavirus is kind of scary, running rampant, and infecting everyone. Trying my best to keep my family healthy enough to get through it when it hits. Not panic-ing like lots of people or treating it like its nothing like others. I live in the middle. I'm taking meds that give me migraines and cause swelling in my extremities. Super fun. We planned to go to LA to spend time with Jeff and the girls for the last part of our Spring Break next week. We'll have to see if we will be healthy enough to go. Really could use a break and the beach sounds awesome! Jace's parents and sister and her family are coming during spring break too, so we will get to meet Jen's newest kid--little Elena.
You are now caught up. 9 months condensed pretty well. Of course there were other things that happened...some good, some bad. Life goes on. I will try to do better about posting as this is my journal. I really dont think anyone reads this anymore, so its for me and my posterity.
Thursday, June 13, 2019
Our Journey Part Dos....part 2 ha.
We waited for the bloodwork to reveal....we were not pregnant. The IUI failed.
ugh.
So we rounded up more money, and moved forward with another cycle.
And shots, and shots, and more shots, and hormones, and crazy things in life that happened, and so on.
Only to discover that my follicles didnt stimulate...like...at all.
ALL OF THAT MONEY AND TIME "WASTED"!
I dont remember if I shared this before or not, but EVERYTHING is out of pocket...and my hormone shots are not cheap. I felt like I had just thrown thousands of dollars into a fire and watched it burn.
Needless to say, I fell into a well of depression. I managed my life...but bare minimum. I did what I needed to for Nash, and for me to feel like I deserved HIM. But my house cleaning was neglected, I all but stopped cooking dinner for my family because I just couldnt find the energy. I stopped exercising. I had so many emotional break downs it was ridiculous. I found myself so angry. At myself and my body mostly. I was SO confused. The Lord had given us every indicator that this was the time to move forward, that it should have worked out. And it keeps NOT working out. Am I missing something? Did I not understand Him? Why wont He give me a clear answer? Have I done something wrong?
I have never been angry with God. I've never blamed Him. Still havent. I just dont understand. And I cant seem to figure out how to just keep moving forward without my heart just shattering over and over.
Nash prays for his brother to be here soon. We keep trying to explain that I'm not pregnant, but he doesnt understand. And why would he? WE barely understand.
I go off my meds again....start a period....and that is when I'd normally start all over. But I've decided to wait a little bit to talk to my doctor in person again and see what the freaking crap to do about this.
ugh.
So we rounded up more money, and moved forward with another cycle.
And shots, and shots, and more shots, and hormones, and crazy things in life that happened, and so on.
Only to discover that my follicles didnt stimulate...like...at all.
ALL OF THAT MONEY AND TIME "WASTED"!
I dont remember if I shared this before or not, but EVERYTHING is out of pocket...and my hormone shots are not cheap. I felt like I had just thrown thousands of dollars into a fire and watched it burn.
Needless to say, I fell into a well of depression. I managed my life...but bare minimum. I did what I needed to for Nash, and for me to feel like I deserved HIM. But my house cleaning was neglected, I all but stopped cooking dinner for my family because I just couldnt find the energy. I stopped exercising. I had so many emotional break downs it was ridiculous. I found myself so angry. At myself and my body mostly. I was SO confused. The Lord had given us every indicator that this was the time to move forward, that it should have worked out. And it keeps NOT working out. Am I missing something? Did I not understand Him? Why wont He give me a clear answer? Have I done something wrong?
I have never been angry with God. I've never blamed Him. Still havent. I just dont understand. And I cant seem to figure out how to just keep moving forward without my heart just shattering over and over.
Nash prays for his brother to be here soon. We keep trying to explain that I'm not pregnant, but he doesnt understand. And why would he? WE barely understand.
I go off my meds again....start a period....and that is when I'd normally start all over. But I've decided to wait a little bit to talk to my doctor in person again and see what the freaking crap to do about this.
Wednesday, November 7, 2018
Procrastinating
I'm procrastinating. Sad to say thats the only reason I'm writing here right now. Journaling has been hard for me this year. We have had lots of hard things we've been going through and putting my thoughts down into a coherent form seemed impossible.
I'm in the THICK of work right now. For the last 2 weeks I have had clients almost every day or have been doing hair or have been helping my mom. I wake up early (not too horribly early, but Jace's alarm gets me up at 5 am and I go back to sleep till about 7 am--thank goodness daylight savings time has ended--jace works in the texas market so he was on texas time. i now get to sleep till 6!) I get up and get Nash going and immediately go to get randy up and out. Then I go home and either have clients (newborns) or I work on editing/housework. I get Nash and then we spend some time together (not enough and BOY the guilt, oh the guilt), i feed him, I try and get dinner planned or going, I do chores, or grocery shopping, etc.
Then I edit while he "naps" (rest time is more like it). Jace comes home and most days now i leave to photograph families, and he plays with Nash and I come home and make dinner and then force feed my child. Bathe him. Read to him. Finally get him in bed. Then i edit. During this time Jace is either working, at a SA recovery meeting, or doing Elder's quorum stuff. Then Jace goes to bed "early" and I stay up till 1-2 am editing.
I'm so tired right now. I know that it will not be this way for too much longer (about 4-5 more weeks of crazy) but its also the holidays. We are doing Thanksgiving with my parents alone for the first time in ever. So i'm in charge of half of the food. Intimidating. During December, i need to decorate, give neighbor gifts, take/make/send christmas cards, wrap presents, and be ready to go basically by the 1st of the month. I have clients during that month, plus the editing, plus the getting ready for Christmas, we throw a christmas party every year too so i've got that to plan, AND we are going out of town to California 4 days before Christmas for 3 days. Oh man, oh my!
I have anxiety as well, and so I'm trying really hard to balance everything as best as I can. We'll see how it goes! lol
I'm in the THICK of work right now. For the last 2 weeks I have had clients almost every day or have been doing hair or have been helping my mom. I wake up early (not too horribly early, but Jace's alarm gets me up at 5 am and I go back to sleep till about 7 am--thank goodness daylight savings time has ended--jace works in the texas market so he was on texas time. i now get to sleep till 6!) I get up and get Nash going and immediately go to get randy up and out. Then I go home and either have clients (newborns) or I work on editing/housework. I get Nash and then we spend some time together (not enough and BOY the guilt, oh the guilt), i feed him, I try and get dinner planned or going, I do chores, or grocery shopping, etc.
Then I edit while he "naps" (rest time is more like it). Jace comes home and most days now i leave to photograph families, and he plays with Nash and I come home and make dinner and then force feed my child. Bathe him. Read to him. Finally get him in bed. Then i edit. During this time Jace is either working, at a SA recovery meeting, or doing Elder's quorum stuff. Then Jace goes to bed "early" and I stay up till 1-2 am editing.
I'm so tired right now. I know that it will not be this way for too much longer (about 4-5 more weeks of crazy) but its also the holidays. We are doing Thanksgiving with my parents alone for the first time in ever. So i'm in charge of half of the food. Intimidating. During December, i need to decorate, give neighbor gifts, take/make/send christmas cards, wrap presents, and be ready to go basically by the 1st of the month. I have clients during that month, plus the editing, plus the getting ready for Christmas, we throw a christmas party every year too so i've got that to plan, AND we are going out of town to California 4 days before Christmas for 3 days. Oh man, oh my!
I have anxiety as well, and so I'm trying really hard to balance everything as best as I can. We'll see how it goes! lol
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
Fummer 2017
Nash is growing up by the day. The day, people! Lol
Last year I made a list of like 10 things we were going to do/wanting to do for the summer. He had no idea what that was, so it was mostly for me.
This year he understands quite a bit more.
So I created our "Fummer" (Fun/summer) list for 2017.
Initially I just did our "big ticket items" on the printed out list...
then I printed a second copy and started writing in the available spaces.
What I'm super excited about it that I'm working really hard to accomplish all of these by September (End of "summer" for most people...)
And so far we've done 5, and are halfway through another 4.
((edited to add: by the end of September we accomplished everything on that list except the secret project and teaching nash to ride his bike. Plus we had a whole slew of other things we did and accomplished as well))
((edited to add: by the end of September we accomplished everything on that list except the secret project and teaching nash to ride his bike. Plus we had a whole slew of other things we did and accomplished as well))
Thats huge for me. I never ever want my kids summer to be so packed FULL of things that I want them to do, or that we HAVE to do, that they dont have lazy days--or we always feel stressed-- or i feel guilty if we didnt do something. My kids might never be in summer classes (other than swim lessons) and I've decided that I'm 100% okay with that.
You only get to be a kid once, and I think that as grown ups/parents we are so busy trying to make them have happy memories that we cause more issues than creating wonderful moments. I see so many people stressing out because all 4 of their kids have something going at the same time, and they need to pack for the vacation they are leaving on tomorrow, and they feel like they need to do 1000 crafts with their kids but also want their house semi cleaned, and then they feel overwhelmed and stressed....
I dont think it worth that. As someone who struggles with anxiety, I already put a crap ton of pressure on myself and feel guilt and overwhelmed doing little things; like going to swim lessons at the same time everyday for a month and going to the library 2 times a month. I cant overload with some unnecessary things just because its summer and I need my kids to be involved and active in everything, everyday or because I allow myself to compare myself to other moms who seem to be doing it all and with great ease. I just cant.
Just my 2 cents.
So, I'm excited for our Fummer of 2017, as relaxed as it may be :)
Tuesday, April 3, 2018
Still alive over here
Well...happy new year, happy valentines day, happy st. patricks day, happy birthday to Nash, happy conference, and happy Easter! LOL
Thats all gone down since I wrote last...AT CHRISTMAS. Goodness me.
I still have those blog posts in draft. FYI.
We have been in the thick of life over here. I'm still posting some on my Instagram and Facebook, but I've cut WAY WAY WAY back on that too.
I'm struggling to find balance in my life. Balance in my home life, balance with technology, balance as a working mom. Nash will be starting pre-school this year and while I'm doing cartwheels (figuratively, because...DIZZY) somedays, other days I want to bawl my eyes out at how fast he is growing up.
He asked me yesterday why I get sad that he is growing up. The fact that he asked that question was actually the answer! How? How did this happen so fast?
Work is good--again, the balance thing.
Jace has taken on a second job M-S! :( Our goal is to pay down our credit card debt ASAP. My brother and his wife bought us tickets to Dave Ramsey's Smart Money Tour last year and while we arent 100% insanely on board....we pretty much have been converted and have been working hard to change our present, so our future is 100% OURS to decide on. And the future of our son is that he will see how hard we worked to get out of debt and STAY out of debt and the goal is to pass that on to him.
We have had our fair share of sickness since Christmas too. Mostly me. Dang crappy immune system.
And I'm still at a loss over our continued infertility. I feel so alone and sad most of the time. I have no one to talk to and everytime I come on here thinking I might say what I'm feeling, I get all in my head about what people will say. So then I dont, and I continue feeling sad and alone.
Good times.
Anyways, just wanted to say we are still here....still alive....just living and working and growing old. :)
Thats all gone down since I wrote last...AT CHRISTMAS. Goodness me.
I still have those blog posts in draft. FYI.
We have been in the thick of life over here. I'm still posting some on my Instagram and Facebook, but I've cut WAY WAY WAY back on that too.
I'm struggling to find balance in my life. Balance in my home life, balance with technology, balance as a working mom. Nash will be starting pre-school this year and while I'm doing cartwheels (figuratively, because...DIZZY) somedays, other days I want to bawl my eyes out at how fast he is growing up.
He asked me yesterday why I get sad that he is growing up. The fact that he asked that question was actually the answer! How? How did this happen so fast?
Work is good--again, the balance thing.
Jace has taken on a second job M-S! :( Our goal is to pay down our credit card debt ASAP. My brother and his wife bought us tickets to Dave Ramsey's Smart Money Tour last year and while we arent 100% insanely on board....we pretty much have been converted and have been working hard to change our present, so our future is 100% OURS to decide on. And the future of our son is that he will see how hard we worked to get out of debt and STAY out of debt and the goal is to pass that on to him.
We have had our fair share of sickness since Christmas too. Mostly me. Dang crappy immune system.
And I'm still at a loss over our continued infertility. I feel so alone and sad most of the time. I have no one to talk to and everytime I come on here thinking I might say what I'm feeling, I get all in my head about what people will say. So then I dont, and I continue feeling sad and alone.
Good times.
Anyways, just wanted to say we are still here....still alive....just living and working and growing old. :)
Friday, December 22, 2017
Merry Christmas 2017
You haven't heard from me in {quite} awhile!! Did you miss me?
I have about 5 or 6 blog posts that are in draft...I just cant seem to find the motivation or time to finish them off. I've been a bit overloaded with work and life and when that happens it is all I can do to get through my day doing what i HAVE to do, and leaves very little time for what i may WANT to do, like updating this blog.
I am taking the next week and a half off work. I wont be answering emails, or doing any photoshoots whatsoever. Vastly different from last year! Last year I worked up to the 23rd and then started again on the 27th. In the week from Christmas to New Years, I had 4 photoshoots!! I have nothing scheduled so I can refocus my mind and soul and spend some MUCH needed quality time with my husband and sweet sweet son.
I just wanted to pop on and wish everyone a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS from my family to yours. I hope you take some time to enjoy the moment and not be so frazzled that you miss the important things--and of course to remember the reason for the season--our dear Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Loves!!
I have about 5 or 6 blog posts that are in draft...I just cant seem to find the motivation or time to finish them off. I've been a bit overloaded with work and life and when that happens it is all I can do to get through my day doing what i HAVE to do, and leaves very little time for what i may WANT to do, like updating this blog.
I am taking the next week and a half off work. I wont be answering emails, or doing any photoshoots whatsoever. Vastly different from last year! Last year I worked up to the 23rd and then started again on the 27th. In the week from Christmas to New Years, I had 4 photoshoots!! I have nothing scheduled so I can refocus my mind and soul and spend some MUCH needed quality time with my husband and sweet sweet son.
I just wanted to pop on and wish everyone a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS from my family to yours. I hope you take some time to enjoy the moment and not be so frazzled that you miss the important things--and of course to remember the reason for the season--our dear Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Loves!!
Thursday, August 24, 2017
Still alive
Its been 2 months since I last posted.
I've been in the throws of life. And right now, I tell you, life is giving me a run for my money!!
I was sick for the entire month of July.
We are in the middle of refinancing our home which is a huge long pain in the behind.
I've been trying to make summer fun for Nash.
I've also been trying to compile "homeschool" curriculum to do with him this next year until he goes into preschool.
I am in the middle of planning a giant surprise party.
My business is SLOW as everyone has been on vacation and then getting into school starting. Its been stressing me out.
My first car, cozey, is due for registration AND emissions. My father is a mechanic...and no matter what we do, she wont pass emissions. Too many things wrong with her to try to fix because she isnt worth all that time and money. So I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to figure out what to do. And every person I talk to either has no idea or they all give me different instructions. I'm thoroughly confused.
With everything going on, my anxiety is UP UP UP. Working on that. Have had some days where I just sit and watch movies and play trains with Nash because I cant make myself go out and "be productive".
I also have been in the middle of a bathroom reno that I'm doing all on my own. I cant expand it yet ($$$!) but have plans to do it in the not too horribly distant future. However, I've sanded and painted, replaced and fixed, and currently I'm in the middle of doing a custom floor. I've learned lots of new skills.
AND we just got back from Jace's VanWagoner family reunion up in Ogden. It was Nash's first time meeting them, and my first time seeing most of them since basically our wedding. Yikes, thats a long time! It was alot of driving, and Nash did great. It was good fun to see them all. Also, I drove through Salt Lake for the first time and lived to tell the tale. Utah drivers and my anxiety...it could have been interesting. Lol
Anyways, thats whats new here. I've sat down to write multiple times but just havent. I also havent updated my social media either. I will try to do better. But if you dont see anything from me, its probably because I'm overwhelmed and eventually I'll emerge.
Oh! and Happy Birthday today to our nephew Corbin! #9!
I've been in the throws of life. And right now, I tell you, life is giving me a run for my money!!
I was sick for the entire month of July.
We are in the middle of refinancing our home which is a huge long pain in the behind.
I've been trying to make summer fun for Nash.
I've also been trying to compile "homeschool" curriculum to do with him this next year until he goes into preschool.
I am in the middle of planning a giant surprise party.
My business is SLOW as everyone has been on vacation and then getting into school starting. Its been stressing me out.
My first car, cozey, is due for registration AND emissions. My father is a mechanic...and no matter what we do, she wont pass emissions. Too many things wrong with her to try to fix because she isnt worth all that time and money. So I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to figure out what to do. And every person I talk to either has no idea or they all give me different instructions. I'm thoroughly confused.
With everything going on, my anxiety is UP UP UP. Working on that. Have had some days where I just sit and watch movies and play trains with Nash because I cant make myself go out and "be productive".
I also have been in the middle of a bathroom reno that I'm doing all on my own. I cant expand it yet ($$$!) but have plans to do it in the not too horribly distant future. However, I've sanded and painted, replaced and fixed, and currently I'm in the middle of doing a custom floor. I've learned lots of new skills.
AND we just got back from Jace's VanWagoner family reunion up in Ogden. It was Nash's first time meeting them, and my first time seeing most of them since basically our wedding. Yikes, thats a long time! It was alot of driving, and Nash did great. It was good fun to see them all. Also, I drove through Salt Lake for the first time and lived to tell the tale. Utah drivers and my anxiety...it could have been interesting. Lol
Anyways, thats whats new here. I've sat down to write multiple times but just havent. I also havent updated my social media either. I will try to do better. But if you dont see anything from me, its probably because I'm overwhelmed and eventually I'll emerge.
Oh! and Happy Birthday today to our nephew Corbin! #9!
Saturday, June 24, 2017
A series of Unfortunate Events
It started with an ache.
My forearm was throbbing a bit.
I didnt think anything of it and continued about my day. We went to the library, I played with Nash, I cleaned a little...nothing out of the ordinary. I had a photoshoot cancellation for the next day...bummer.
Then the ache and throbbing slowly ran up my arm into my shoulder. I could no longer move my arm without immense pain.
Weird, because I cant think of anything I might have done to cause this. Started to be glad for the photo shoot cancellation.
It was bad enough, that I couldn't put my car into gear...I couldn't lift my arm that high.
I went to my parents house, where I was given a Priesthood blessing and a sling.
I went home and putting Nash to bed took 3 times as long without the use of my right (dominant) arm.
I took Ibuprofen and waited for Jace to come home.
We stayed up way too late watching American Ninja Warrior...almost 1 AM.
In bed, I wasn't sure how I was going to sleep, my arm hurt.
After about an hour, I sat bolt upright with a new pain. A sharp pain. My back was on fire and it felt like pins and needles were in two different parts of my back.
I birthed a child, so this was not the worst pain I have felt. But I havent felt this kind of pain before. It was new and scary.
Jace started rubbing my shoulder thinking I pinched a nerve, and thats when he noticed the welts.
He started tearing apart our bed while I was concentrating on my breathing.
And then he found the source of my new pain. An unwelcome guest. The evil scorpion himself.
A FREAKING SCORPION WAS IN MY BED, I HAD NO IDEA, AND I ROLLED OVER ON HIM AND HE FREAKING STUNG ME TWICE, AND I STILL HAD NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED!
I fear scorpions. Alot. I didnt grow up ever seeing one. Never knew what to experience.
Pain. Pain is what you experience. Thankfully I didnt have an allergic reaction, so all I had to worry about was the pain.
Well, pain and now fear of my house and room. Every surface, every carpet, every tile in my home--is the exact color of the smooshed scorpion that Jace carried out on the bottom of his shoe.
I couldnt move. My back hurt so much, that I almost forgot that I could barely move my right arm. ALMOST.
I sat up, on the edge of my couch, messaging my other photoshoot client that I wouldnt be able to do their shoot that afternoon, and watching pointless shows until 7 AM. Then I slowly made my way into my room and tried to sleep. 10-15 minute increments were all I could do. Nash was up for the day before 8 (poor Jace). We have season tickets for tonights Dbacks game. Will I be able to go? I dont know.
One thing I do know? In less than 24 hours i became unable to use my right arm, lost 2 clients (until i reschedule), and rolled over on a scorpion that caused me to not sleep and be in pain.
This now ends Andrea's saga of unfortunate events of last night.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
Week 3
I started another period, dangit. I had one at the start of week 1 for crying out loud.
I started a new blood pressure medication this week that will allow me to go off birth control (praises!) and that would be safe to be on while pregnant. We are seeing how my body is adjusting to being on it. So far, my blood pressure has remained steady (or as steady as it ever is) but I've now developed some nasty migraines. And I still have to be on birth control since we werent sure how I would react. Its been a pretty rough week to be honest.
The food thing has been interesting. I've been doing intermittent fasting, and because my stomach shrinks, I'm not especially hungry. Feeling sick from medication and a period doesn't help either. So I've been not eating enough according to myfitnesspal. I even try eating an extra apple, or some cheese before bed so my calories are high enough to even complete my daily diary and I've failed a few days to do that.
My workouts have been less than stellar. I hit my doctors minimum of 3 days a week--i ended up doing 4. My personal goal was 5 days. However it got up to 105 degrees and it was 95 degrees in my garage--and the heat combined with the way I was feeling...just didnt lend to good workouts.
I also am struggling with motivation to work out due to stress. Jace had interviewed for a promotion which we both desperately needed him to get. He has been so tired of his work situation and needing a change, and a nice bump in pay was something our family needed. My work flow had been slow and so i have been working overtime to change that. Its definitely helping, but its lead to LONG nights, and my mornings and nash's naptime being filled with work, not work outs. :( I'll find the balance, I know I will....it just wasnt this week.
My endocrinologist thought she felt something on my thyroid at my first appointment with her and she wanted me to get an ultrasound. I did that this week too. Now I'm freaking out that something may be wrong. I've never had an issue with my thyroid, so I'm hoping thats not the case.
I weighed in again and lost 1 pound. So i'm technically down 5 pounds in 3 weeks. Its a start.
I started a new blood pressure medication this week that will allow me to go off birth control (praises!) and that would be safe to be on while pregnant. We are seeing how my body is adjusting to being on it. So far, my blood pressure has remained steady (or as steady as it ever is) but I've now developed some nasty migraines. And I still have to be on birth control since we werent sure how I would react. Its been a pretty rough week to be honest.
The food thing has been interesting. I've been doing intermittent fasting, and because my stomach shrinks, I'm not especially hungry. Feeling sick from medication and a period doesn't help either. So I've been not eating enough according to myfitnesspal. I even try eating an extra apple, or some cheese before bed so my calories are high enough to even complete my daily diary and I've failed a few days to do that.
My workouts have been less than stellar. I hit my doctors minimum of 3 days a week--i ended up doing 4. My personal goal was 5 days. However it got up to 105 degrees and it was 95 degrees in my garage--and the heat combined with the way I was feeling...just didnt lend to good workouts.
I also am struggling with motivation to work out due to stress. Jace had interviewed for a promotion which we both desperately needed him to get. He has been so tired of his work situation and needing a change, and a nice bump in pay was something our family needed. My work flow had been slow and so i have been working overtime to change that. Its definitely helping, but its lead to LONG nights, and my mornings and nash's naptime being filled with work, not work outs. :( I'll find the balance, I know I will....it just wasnt this week.
My endocrinologist thought she felt something on my thyroid at my first appointment with her and she wanted me to get an ultrasound. I did that this week too. Now I'm freaking out that something may be wrong. I've never had an issue with my thyroid, so I'm hoping thats not the case.
I weighed in again and lost 1 pound. So i'm technically down 5 pounds in 3 weeks. Its a start.
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Back to the grind
So, as many of you know, i have infertility issues.
Say whaaa? (right?) ::sarcasm::
Anyways, in the last year, my body and the flip flopped hormones and the insulin resistance that I now have, plus the awesome high blood pressure the last pregnancy has saddled me with HAVE TAKEN THEIR TOLL on my poor body.
I had been going to an endocrinologist for awhile in 2016, but he wasnt concerned with me. In fact he turfed me to his PA for all of my appointments except the first one. I wasnt a priority. And I needed help, and he didnt give it to me.
I stopped going to him. And then my prescription ran out.
Since I was off my medication that helped with the insulin problem...i've had major weight issues because of that. (my body doesnt process insulin anymore...so no matter how many calories I count or diets i go on--my body just holds on to that fat. freaking a man. so unfair)
EVENTUALLY (and sooner than later) I'd like to get pregnant again--(especially considering I have to have a hysterectomy at an early age thanks to the cancer gene I've inherited from my mom.)
I needed to see a new Endo. A neighbor gave me the info of her old doc who she loved.
I had my first appointment yesterday.
I cant say that I love her...but at least I have someone who can help look out for me and figure some stuff out.
So I'm back to the grind. Diet, exercise, medication, managing my stress (betrayal trauma is laughing at me) and hopefully getting more sleep.
Wish me luck.
Say whaaa? (right?) ::sarcasm::
Anyways, in the last year, my body and the flip flopped hormones and the insulin resistance that I now have, plus the awesome high blood pressure the last pregnancy has saddled me with HAVE TAKEN THEIR TOLL on my poor body.
I had been going to an endocrinologist for awhile in 2016, but he wasnt concerned with me. In fact he turfed me to his PA for all of my appointments except the first one. I wasnt a priority. And I needed help, and he didnt give it to me.
I stopped going to him. And then my prescription ran out.
Since I was off my medication that helped with the insulin problem...i've had major weight issues because of that. (my body doesnt process insulin anymore...so no matter how many calories I count or diets i go on--my body just holds on to that fat. freaking a man. so unfair)
EVENTUALLY (and sooner than later) I'd like to get pregnant again--(especially considering I have to have a hysterectomy at an early age thanks to the cancer gene I've inherited from my mom.)
I needed to see a new Endo. A neighbor gave me the info of her old doc who she loved.
I had my first appointment yesterday.
I cant say that I love her...but at least I have someone who can help look out for me and figure some stuff out.
So I'm back to the grind. Diet, exercise, medication, managing my stress (betrayal trauma is laughing at me) and hopefully getting more sleep.
Wish me luck.
Sunday, March 12, 2017
Taxes
This word...taxes...brings such a response from my mind and body.
Panic. Anxiety. Frustration. Fear. Worry. Confusion.
Jace never helps me with the taxes. He would have NO idea what to do. So its all on my shoulders and that is so stressful! I am constantly feared with worry that I've left something out, figured the numbers wrong, and that somehow the government is going to fine me some substantial amount and take my home.
Seems a little silly right? Thats what anxiety does to me. I take one thing that isnt such a big deal, but over time, my worry makes it into something BIG.
My tax appointment is Tuesday. I have done NOTHING to prepare for that appointment yet. We've been sick at our house for weeks, Nash hasnt been sleeping, I've had events to do and lots of photoshoots and editing to worry about. Not to mention my brother being in the hospital and my lack of motivation.
I'm especially concerned because this is the first year that I'm needing to file for my business. Last year taxes (2015) I didnt make nearly enough to worry. 2016 was a different story. New things, the unknown=ANXIETY!!!
I'm sure it'll be fine. I always double and triple check for my taxes, but I'm basically going to be a hermit for the next day or two while I prepare these things. Wish me luck!!!
Panic. Anxiety. Frustration. Fear. Worry. Confusion.
Jace never helps me with the taxes. He would have NO idea what to do. So its all on my shoulders and that is so stressful! I am constantly feared with worry that I've left something out, figured the numbers wrong, and that somehow the government is going to fine me some substantial amount and take my home.
Seems a little silly right? Thats what anxiety does to me. I take one thing that isnt such a big deal, but over time, my worry makes it into something BIG.
My tax appointment is Tuesday. I have done NOTHING to prepare for that appointment yet. We've been sick at our house for weeks, Nash hasnt been sleeping, I've had events to do and lots of photoshoots and editing to worry about. Not to mention my brother being in the hospital and my lack of motivation.
I'm especially concerned because this is the first year that I'm needing to file for my business. Last year taxes (2015) I didnt make nearly enough to worry. 2016 was a different story. New things, the unknown=ANXIETY!!!
I'm sure it'll be fine. I always double and triple check for my taxes, but I'm basically going to be a hermit for the next day or two while I prepare these things. Wish me luck!!!
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