Our Journey Part Dos...2020

I cant believe this. I cant believe this. I cant believe this.

I have been in such a state of grief...its hard to write this post.

Towards the end of February as I mentioned, we met back up with Dr. Craig to discuss IVF. He had me get a progesterone shot that day to start a period and start a cycle with meds as a "baseline" or maybe for an IUI should we get some good follicles.

It took me a little longer than normal to start a period. But I did. And I started all my meds. I was to go in on Day 9 for my "10 day ultrasound" and an HSG ultrasound making sure my tubes were clear. The regular ultrasound was to be first.

I had been trying not to get my hopes up, seeing as last year i basically produced nothing after the first month of trying.

She started the ultrasound and I STARED AT THE SCREEN IN COMPLETE SHOCK. My ovaries were double their size FULL of giant follicles! The ultrasound tech was blown away. I mean, she stopped counting after she found 30 mature follicles. Close to 20 is the goal, and I had 4 measuring at 20,20,20,21! I knew that an IUI would be out of the question...last year in Feb I had 12 and it was a no-go. So I looked at her excited and said, we are ready to move forward with IVF!

She had to talk to the Dr. and I went into the waiting room to talk to Jace. I told him excitedly how many follicles and he was on his way to the doctor to see what was next. As soon as I got off the phone with him, they called me back into a room. The ultrasound tech said, "So...you see...no one is going to be here next week starting today, so we cant take a collection and there wont be anyone here to watch the embryos." I was DUMBFOUNDED. I was in shock. You mean to tell me, I have all of these follicles, my body FINALLY didnt let me down--it did exactly what we wanted, we are mentally and financially prepared to go forward with IVF and you are telling me THAT I CANT BECAUSE YOU ARE LETTING EVERYONE IN THE LAB GO ON SPRING BREAK?! I lost it. Started crying. This cute nurse, who has been with us since we started trying for NASH stayed with me. I just didnt know what to do or say and I was literally about to have a full on break down. I needed to get out of there. So I did. I called Jace in the parking lot unable to talk. He was on his way to me.

He opened my car door where I was inside literally having a panic attack and full scale meltdown. I threw myself at him and just sobbed and sobbed. He had us go back in to talk to the nurse so she could explain it to him. Nothing changed of course with that other than he started crying and we got the nurse crying too. Nothing like ruining everyone's day.

So, now I wait. I wait to start a period, which will be painful because of all the follicles. I will have to have excess cysts drained (no idea what that means or what goes into it) and we will have to start all over.

One of the worst parts of all of this is that all year in 2019 we prayed and prayed and fasted and prayed to know the direction in which to go. Is this the right course of action? Should we stay with Dr. Craig? Do we keep going with IUI's? Do we try IVF? Are we supposed to stop trying to have more kids?

And the only answer we felt we received was that we were not done with having kids and that it wasnt time to look at adoption. Thats it.

So this year, we continued praying, but also said, we are going to move forward with this and make this happen (IVF financially speaking), please let us know if this is the right move. AND ON DAY 9 my ovaries exploded. It felt like Heavenly Father finally was answering me. And then because of a HORRIBLE miscommunication from my Doctor to me and them just assuming my body wasnt going to produce that I missed out on this.

I am grieving the loss of my future. I had possible and PROBABLE multiple children in this cycle. And they were taken away.

I will get through this. We will get through this. Things are just painful right now. I am angry and devastated and miserable and tired.