Real.

I'm gonna be real here.

about 75% of the time I feel like I'm a crappy mom.

I try so hard, I really do.

But I find that I often fall really short.

I also compare myself to other moms my age (OR YOUNGER!) who have one or more, or many more kids than I do.

I never seem to measure up.

How come I do this? How do I stop? How do I feel like a better mother? How do I BE a better mother?

I want more kids. Gosh dang it, if it were up to me I would have at least 3 by now (the plan was to have 3 by 30, but you know...infertility crap).

Most days I end up crying in my bedroom thinking, "ha! you joker. you're a sub-par mom with ONE kid!! And you think you can handle more!??"

Other days I feel like I nail being a mom.

I cook, I clean, I dont lose my temper more than 5 times during the day (:/), I work, he naps, we're happy, we play, dance around, survive the day, and go to bed mostly happy.

Today I thought I'd nailed it. I worked all morning (which is AWESOME, but also stinks because I'm away from Nash), then came home and decided to do an afternoon date! I loaded him up and surprised him with lunch at Barros (pizza is a family favorite) and he got to watch cartoons and have soda. Then I loaded him up and went to the park!! There were even other kids he got to play with-- AND I didnt hover!! I let him be and have fun. Then it was time for a nap and all hell broke loose. It was the tantrum to end all tantrums (at least for our family!) and I lost my cool. ALOT. He did nap, but woke up WAY early and has been begging since 4 to go for a car ride and leave home. Every time i said no, it was another tantrum...each one longer than the next. Jace came home and things were okay for a bit because Nash loves his dad. Then Jace left to his 2nd job...and Nash lost it again. And before I completely melted down myself, I loaded him up and took him to my parents for a distraction (like they NEEDED US AND OUR DRAMA.)

Tomorrows a new day I guess.