Addiction recovery is HARD.
I really cant form into words how hard it is. Addiction seeps into every faucet of your life.
Your past, present, and future.
Its all touched. Plagued by this vile thing.
I have done so much research, so much reading, and so much reaching out in recovery groups in the last year. And yet, I still sit everyday in bewilderment that THIS IS NOW MY LIFE.
Jace is doing well. He meets with his sponsor once a week and goes to 12 step meetings once a week. However the LITTLE things have been slipping through both of our fingers.
Prayer (together), Scripture study (together), temple sessions, and date nights. Its all hard.
And you know why?
Because satan is real. He is real and he is a real pain. I'm not going to get vulgar here but i wish he would just go away. He is attacking people left and right. Making them miserable. Wearing them down. Making them feel hopeless. Trying with all his might to make us give up.
Give up on recovery, give up on our marriage, give up on ourselves.
And you think it wouldnt be so easy for him to sway you when you know better.
You know who he is, why he does the things he does, and that he is attacking you.
And yet...you let him get to you.
Last night was another "why is this so hard, and is it ever going to get better" kind of nights. They are not uncommon to us. We feel like we are spinning our wheels in alot of regards. We know we love each other, but trust was shattered. How do you continue to work towards something, when you dont know what you are working towards looks like?
I hate this. I hate that this is my life. I hate that satan keeps being able to touch something that he has NO right to.
I know better than this.
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I literally told this to my girls in Sunday School on Sunday. "Satan was also your brother. HE knows you better than anyone other than Heavenely Father and the Savior. That's why it's so hard to resist sometimes. He knows you personally and will exploit you in all the ways he knows because he knows YOU. I then told them to have bigger faith than Satan has hold, but you know that already. You are not weak for feeling this way. Satan just knows exactly how to get to each of us because of our personal relationship we had before, and he's a pain in the arse! I know you're super strong and just know your Savior knows you better and can help carry you whereas Satan will drag you down with him.
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