Letting go.

It takes so much effort to hold on to something.

Somethings are worth that effort: faith, family, etc.

Others are not: worry, fear, etc.

Over the last few weeks, our therapist gave us some homework. In our last session we talked about how because of jace's addiction (or the revelation of said addiction), my fear (that i keep pretty well hidden) was let loose. Addiction touches every part of your life...it spiderwebs out like a cracked window....strings to the past, present, and stretching out into the future. Everything...is broken. Tainted. And what happens is that fear escalates things. Our therapist called it the spider on the floor or the tiger in the grass. You know its there...but what ELSE is lurking? How else can I be hurt? And then the floodgates open.

Betrayal trauma. Its insanely difficult to describe unless you have gone through it personally. 

"Betrayal trauma is a condition that parallels the symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and is caused when someone experiences betrayal and deception within their primary relationship; this betrayal damages the trust and safety of the relationship and calls into question the bond they have with their partner.

If you have been betrayed by your spouse through pornography use or infidelity, you may experience tremendous anxiety, high stress, fatigue, depression, despair, grief, fear, and other serious symptoms."

So now I have real fear because of something that happened that I had no control over, I now have real fear because I cant control my husband seeking recovery or how well that recovery goes, and I have real fear that he will relapse and we will continue going through this same hell on earth.

So the homework we were given...I was to openly express my feelings. Jace was to frequently ask how my fear was. Jace struggles to communicate, and my feelings are escalated. It didnt seem to be going well. 

We had a few things that happened that made things a little better though. His sponsor (an addict in recovery) came to our house to meet me and talk with us both. He wasnt there to teach ME because that isnt his place. But he facilitated another honest conversation in between our therapy sessions. It generated painful (hard, not hurtful) conversations between jace and I. "Brutal honesty". 

I have been working really hard on ME. Because of the fear that I now have, its REALLY hard to let go of all the anger I have felt towards Jace. And everything I'm feeling is completely justified. Literally every person has said so. All the books, multiple therapists, our bishop, Jace's sponsor, and Jace himself. I know that what I'm feeling is part of the trauma I've gone through.

 I also know that I have to feel that AND THEN MOVE FORWARD so I can heal and recover myself. 

WHICH IS HARD!!!!

But i'm working on it. I believe the Lord is working within me and making things clearer to navigate. 

And today we had another therapy session. It was the best one so far. It was very promising. 

Its nice to not feel like I'm just floating in a deep pit of despair and anger. 

Now we have new homework. We'll see how this one goes, because its going to get REAL uncomfortable with sharing, communicating, and connecting. I'll be interested to see how we do.