Right now.

Oh boy.

I'm not the most eloquent person. I'm not a professional writer. This blog doesn't make money. I write here for 2 reasons: as a part of therapy, a way to get my emotions out; and as a way to journal my life. I have hand written journals, but the computer is a much faster way for me to say what I want to say. I dont only document happy moments...because life isn't made up of just happy moments. I want anyone who reads this to understand something...my life is hard right now. I'm well aware of that. But I do try to find multiple moments of happiness daily. My life is hard, but its my life. And my life is a gift from God and I'm going to do my best to be appreciative of that gift.

Since learning of Jace's addiction a year ago (this week)...my life completely changed. I dont know how to explain it properly, especially to people who haven't experienced this kind of betrayal trauma or to people who dont understand how utterly devastating a pornography addiction is.

You would be surprised to know that most people think that us wives of pornography addicts (WOPAs) are crazy, emotional, unstable, stupid, ridiculous, etc. etc. etc. The world has normalized porn. Its a joke to people, that people would be upset by it. People don't think that its an actual addiction. Anyone who thinks this way is so beyond wrong. Study after study is showing how harmful a pornography addiction is now...TIME magazine just did a whole spread on it. It got brought up on the view recently, and in the news with Utah's governor signing a new resolution: " Utah Gov. Gary Herbert will sign a resolution declaring pornography a "public health crisis" at the Utah state capitol today.The resolution was introduced by Republican state Senator Todd Weiler in January 2015, to battle the “pornography epidemic harming” the state and the country."--that was from USA today.

USA today article

I'm not going to get into jace's addiction...maybe one day if he's comfortable I'll have him write a post. But I'm going to re-itterate that the addiction started WAY before me. However, with the discovery of the addiction...it completely changes...everything. I mean, our entire marriage, our entire relationship was built on lies, upon lies, upon lies. Jace was cheating on me with images and videos and what have you. Hearing that...realizing what was going on in your own home behind your back... it makes you feel stupid. Dirty. Angry. Worthless.

My married life up to this point was a lie...and now my future is unclear. Where there once was a general outline (nothing too stable, because life has a way of not working how you thought ie:infertility) now there was NOTHING. My husband was a stranger to me. The foundation I thought we had built upon was condemned and torn down. We started rebuilding and then he relapsed and that foundation crumbled again. Its been 2 months now. And last week Jace told me that he acted out, very purposefully, and had been lying to me (lie of omission) for 3 weeks. 

I am in a state of shock. My life is in a state of flux. Jace has to make a very important decision: its the addiction or your family. You fight for us. You fight even if it kills you, to keep us. Or you let us go. Both are hard and scary pills to swallow. 

My life was not supposed to be this way. I was supposed to find a man who actually REALLY loved me...who would treat me as his queen. I would be faithful, loyal, and loving. I was to become a mother and raise my children to be God-fearing, serviceable people. I was to be happy.

Right now...all of that feels unobtainable. My mother told me the other day that there is a time and a season for everyone. My time, right now, is to go through this horrific trial. My bishop called it a trial of faith. I'm working really hard to find the good that is floating in the junk...but its a daily struggle. 

Right now...i'm surviving. That's literally all I can say. I take care of Nash all day (who is so energetic and tiring, but also sweet and cute and my miracle in all of this), and I take care of my business and our finances. However, my anxiety comes rearing most days and I feel stuck. I stare at my messy house...all the toys that Nash gets out and we play with, the cups of water he spills everywhere because he has to be independent, the dishes that are piled nice and high in my sink because standing at the sink doing them while my child is making a mess unsupervised churns my stomach (last time i did that he drew all over my kitchen floor with a crayon)...I cant find the motivation to do anything. At night, i struggle to sleep...my husband and I are still separated and I'm alone...then I'm plagued with thoughts and horrible dreams in relation to his addiction. If i'm lucky, my son will sleep, but lately he's been sick so i'm up multiple times a night with him and then up early for the day. 

Its hard to see my future right now. The 'right now' is a hard place to be in...because my 'right now' is not necessarily happy. But I hope and pray with all my might that my 'right now' will run its course and I get to move past it into my future. Oh my, how I pray for that day.