The worth of a {mom} soul

This may be jumbled. This may only make sense to me. However, I feel impressed to write down my thoughts and feelings right now, so I'm going to do it.

Growing up, I had a very close relationship to my mother. We all did. My father is a wonderful man, but he was a little aloof when we were growing up. My mom is the one who made sure we got to our appointments, our lessons, our practices or games. She was the one making dinner, talking about our day, fixing boo boos, and teaching us things. My dad worked hard. He provided for the family and I knew he loved me. However, he didn't come to recitals or games unless my mom made him. However, he participated in things I know he hated...like the stake roadshow doing a daddy daughter dance to make me happy. But it was my mom I was close to. 

{side note: as I got older, my father and I have a much better relationship, we are much closer and I am grateful to have a good relationship with both of my parents}

As a member of my faith, there is great importance put on the mother and the father in different capacities. The father, the priesthood holder, the patriarch. The mother, the nurturer, the "glue". I grew up hearing and learning wonderful things about being a mother. Raising up the coming generation in the Gospel. Helping them have a relationship with their Heavenly Father. Teaching them manners, teaching them compassion, teaching them kindness and love. Teaching them to serve and look for ways to help others. To accept callings in the church, to work hard in all that they do. To pursue endeavors even if they scared them. To explore their talents. To help them to lift one another up and to ease others burdens.

With my infertility struggle...year after year of not being able to become a mother...I started to lose hope. To question myself. To question my worth. I was put on this Earth to bear children and rear them and teach them to love the Lord. And I was failing. My body wasn't doing what it was intended to. I know that at certain times, Satan was telling me that I wasn't worthy to become a mother. That I had done something wrong or that I wasn't going to be a very good mom to begin with and that is why it was being held from me. Eventually, I'd be able to push those thoughts and feelings away, realize where they were coming from, and move on. But it is so hard. And he is relentless.

Once I finally got pregnant, it was a miracle!! I was so overjoyed and eagerly anticipated my role as a mother. My husband and I had been having some difficulty in our marriage, but I thought it was the strain from the infertility. Things didn't get easier. It was very hard to see my worth at times. Then I developed preeclampsia making it difficult to do my normal things...and I felt that my husband was resentful. I had an unexpected early birth...and the Lord blessed us...Nash was perfect.

I was about to see my role as a mother start.

It was not easy, I knew it wouldn't be. However...I didn't anticipate my blood pressure not returning to normal. I didn't expect to be sick and tired and have it not have anything to do with my newborn. I didn't expect my problems in my marriage to continue and get worse, because my husband felt like I wasn't doing enough as a mom. I was asking too much of him to help out. In short...I felt worthless. My poor baby boy was so colicky...and had such bad reflux. Turns out because of his preemie status, his bowels didn't develop right and so he was in pain alot. I wanted to breastfeed so badly and Nash couldn't latch...so I pumped. And pumped and pumped. My health was iffy, my husband not helping, and I wasn't sleeping. It was a recipe for disaster. I finally got help in the form of medication. And it did help. But Satan kept one foot in the door, just reminding me that I wasn't worth it to my husband to help some. I was a shell of a woman because not only could I not conceive, but now I couldn't feed my son. I was fighting quite the battle that no one was seeing. Except for my Heavenly Father. And every now and then, when I was at my breaking point, I would read something like this:

"When you have come to the Lord in meekness and lowliness of heart and, as one mother said, “pounded on the doors of heaven to ask for, to plead for, to demand guidance and wisdom and help for this wondrous task,” that door is thrown open to provide you the influence and the help of all eternity. Claim the promises of the Savior of the world. Ask for the healing balm of the Atonement for whatever may be troubling you or your children. Know that in faith things will be made right in spite of you, or more correctly, because of you.

You can’t possibly do this alone, but you do have help. The Master of Heaven and Earth is there to bless you—He who resolutely goes after the lost sheep, sweeps thoroughly to find the lost coin, waits everlastingly for the return of the prodigal son. Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be magnified, compensated, made more than you are and better than you have ever been as you try to make honest effort, however feeble you may sometimes feel that to be.

Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. And “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope.” ¹¹ You are doing God’s work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days and your nights may be the most challenging."

And I would feel better. I spent alot of time with my own mother, who helped me. Calmed me. Encouraged me. And cried with me. Her worth was so great in my eyes. I just wanted to be like that for my Nash.

This past year, things have been so hard. Jace finally disclosed that he has had an addiction our entire marriage. Finally things were making sense from years earlier. However, with this new information, I was wondering what was wrong with me. Was I not enough? Am I still not enough? What could I have done differently? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? 

I know, that it wasn't about me. It has absolutely nothing to do with me. However, Satan uses every little thing he can, to push self doubt and make you feel horrible. It has been a battle this year between me and Satan and his horrible, stupid thoughts he keeps throwing at me.

Nash turns 2 next month. He is...challenging...(i guess that's a good word for it!) right now. He is pushing limits and boundaries...testing me to see if I'll follow through on things. Jace works long hours...and Nash doesn't see him until 7-8 PM every night. Jace comes home and is the "fun" parent. Nash cant wait to see his dad. He constantly is asking for him during the day. He looks for him around every corner. 

And instead of making me feel happy that he loves his dad so much, I feel jealous and sad. I feel that in my child's eye, i'm not worth a whole lot. Nash never wants to see me. He doesn't come running to me, he doesn't give me squeezes, He definitely doesn't go around looking for me. And it hurts. So much. I literally give my all to him...because I am his mother and I love him so much I cant believe it sometimes. And it seems like he wants everyone BUT me. And I'm not exaggerating...its actually true. I work some days and he is babysat...and when I come to pick him up, he is mad that he has to come with me. I try my best to be a good mom. We play with trains and toys, we go to parks, we play on the trampoline and swing and go down slides, we go for walks, we read lots of books together, I do little primary lessons and sing songs, I try to teach him of Jesus, we have dance parties in the kitchen while I'm trying to make dinner or do dishes...and yet somehow, all I feel that he takes away, is that I'm the one who spanks his bottom, or raises her voice, or puts him in timeout.

 I'm the one he doesn't want to be around. 

In short...I have felt VERY worthLESS lately.

I decided, that while I was sobbing uncontrollably (in my dark living room, clutching a pillow for support) that I would listen to Elder Hollands talk from last conference. If you haven't read it, please do so. I'll include the link here. I've read it before, many times, but do me a favor and LISTEN to him. Listen to his voice and the love he has for you. And I dare you not to feel like you are worth more than you can imagine. 

My problems are not solved. But I know that I am a daughter of God. I am a mother in Zion and I have a beautiful little boy that hopefully, someday, will want to be my best little friend. It wont change how I feel about him or how I act towards him if he doesn't. My role is that of mother. And that will never change.

"To all of our mothers everywhere, past, present, or future, I say, “Thank you. Thank you for giving birth, for shaping souls, for forming character, and for demonstrating the pure love of Christ.” To Mother Eve, to Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel, to Mary of Nazareth, and to a Mother in Heaven, I say, “Thank you for your crucial role in fulfilling the purposes of eternity.” To all mothers in every circumstance, including those who struggle—and all will—I say, “Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are. In fact, you are saviors on Mount Zion,¹³ and like the Master you follow, your love ‘never faileth.’¹⁴ ” I can pay no higher tribute to anyone."