Today

Today I put make up on. Too bad I was wearing yoga pants and an oversized Tshirt...

Today I loaded my little guy in the car for "errands" after he begged and pleaded to "not be home."

Today I bought a Thomas and Friends book because it was on sale and my son said "oh look momma! Thomas and friends!" and my heart melted.

Today I spent mucho dollars on Christmas trees and poinsettias for my Christmas photo setup.

Today Nashman saw the Christmas decorations and screamed "CHRISTMAS!!"

Today I got really excited for Christmas with him, since last year he had no clue what was going on.

Today I chased my child down as he ran away from the blow ups at the store (and screamed "no momma!! no snowman!!")

Today I dragged the same child off the parking lot floor while he was trying to crawl through my legs...and then stopping him with my leg as he almost got hit by a car who was parking way too close to me and going WAY too fast...

Today has been a weird day. Definitely not bad. Cant complain about that!

Baby Malia

Diva Malia!!

This sweet girl was a month old and had had a horrible rash turn all scabby on her face. Mom was worried about it, but a little editing goes a long way!! 

Malia is a only child, and is certainly used to having her way! She would scream and scream until she was picked up and immediately stop. She also would go to sleep in my arms, only to start wailing 3 seconds after I put her down. 

I was calling her "Queenie" through the whole session. :)

(this was her face for most of the shoot!!) ha!!

God's timing

My oldest brother Randy has been in the ICU for over 3 weeks.

The last I had written here on my blog was that his kidneys seemed to be shutting down.

When we got the news that Randy might have to go on dialysis and that would probably mean that Randy's time here on Earth would be coming to an end, I dropped to my knees and started pleading with Heavenly Father to make Randy well enough to stay with us. 

I have to say, I dont know what I would do without my Heavenly Father. I truly believe that He hears our prayers. He listens, He cares. 

Others who love us and Randy started praying for him. Clients of mine that I am friends with now, were sending me their love and prayers for him. We had a cousin who immediately said his family would fast and pray for Randy. 

My brothers and I loaded up and went to the hospital to spend some time as our original family of 6 there in ICU. The boys gave Randy a Priesthood blessing. It was nice to be there all together, even though it was in a tiny, cramped ICU room in very scary and unfortunate circumstances.

Randy's kidneys started working better the next day and he did not have to go on dialysis.

Then Randy went through a roller coaster of health issues. One day his breathing was a bit better and they lowered his oxygen down and were talking about taking out his breathing tube. The next day they cranked his oxygen back up since he was having trouble breathing and then he spiked a 104 degree fever! This poor guy.

Sidenote: my mom (mostly) has spent all day and night, EVERY DAY AND NIGHT at the hospital on a horrible little chair that you sit up in. She has been amazing.

Well, since Randy's breathing was still so bad, they decided that they needed to do a tracheotomy. :( That is a forever decision, however, it might help us in the future with problems such as colds or pneumonia. So he had the surgery. With that comes a whole new set of obstacles. He has always been total care, but this is so much more involved. If Randy got well enough to leave ICU he was going to need to be transferred to a rehab facility where my parents would learn how to take care of him and his trach. My mother went to tour one, one day. Not only do they not cater to total care special needs individuals, they dont have physicians oversee them everyday, and they dont allow anyone to spend the night. That obviously wouldnt work for us. 

There was a program there in the hospital that Randy is currently in. And it seems to be the best solution. Randy's doctors would come in everyday and monitor his care. He would be right there in the hospital if something were to happen or go wrong. And one of our family can be in the room with him. But the insurance required 21 days in the hospital and on a ventilator before he could qualify. Well, wouldnt you know, Randy just so happened to be on a ventilator and in ICU for 3 weeks and a couple days. He now qualified.

God's timing you guys. What if, all of this, went on just long enough to get Randy into the correct program to help him have the best care? 

Well, I dont question 'what if'...because I KNOW that Heavenly Father is looking out for Randy.

As of yesterday, Randy has been moved to that facility there in the hospital. He is out of ICU!! He is still on the ventilator, and I have no idea how long he will be in there before he can come home, but they have taken the next step!! Hopefully soon, we can get him and my mom home for good and settle into our new 'normal'. 

We sure miss him.

Thank you everyone who has reached out, expressed love and concern, and especially offering up prayers on our behalf. We have felt them. 

Fuliangi Family

This cute family had a maternity session...just in the nick of time!! 

Their baby, a sweet boy, is due in just a couple of weeks!!

As I was taking their pictures, they told me they were nervous, because they had never had professional portraits done! Not even for their wedding!

Well, I talked and joked and did my best to make it a great experience. Hopefully I'll be posting their little dudes newborn photos in the near future! :)

Miss Veronica

This was my first family return session!! I cant tell you how happy it made me when mom of Baby Samantha contacted me to do special pictures for Miss Veronica's 5th birthday!! 

Veronica has such spunk, sass, and pizazz all wrapped up in one tiny, cute, blonde little girl!

We picked Downtown Mesa for a fun, funky vibe. It was such a fun morning!! 

Drowning

Not many people know this about me, but one of my most absolute fears is drowning.

Its always been weird to me, since i grew up in the water. I've always been a strong swimmer and so comfortable there. I used to pretend i was a mermaid since my mom always called me her fish.

But ever since I can remember, some of my worst dreams have revolved around me being in a lake or ocean and drowning. 

As an adult I've tried to analyze this a little, what this means for me. 

Honestly I think I fear "drowning" in the whole sense of the word. 

Have you ever felt like work kept piling up around you and you were "drowning in work"?

Have you ever felt like you over-scheduled your vacation and you were so busy running around that you forgot to enjoy the vacation?

Have you ever just been so consumed with what was going on in your life and the unknown of WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN that you felt like you were just "surviving"??

I call this drowning in my own head.

I feel like I'm in that lake or ocean, paddling along and the water keeps getting higher. The current starts pulling at me more, and I am getting exhausted.

I have overloaded myself a bit when it came to scheduling out my work schedule. I have spent so many hours talking back and forth with perspective clients, running out to photo shoots, coming home and editing...that thinking about it hurts my head. Plus, i've been putting that first lately, instead of my son. I'm not okay with that. My starting this business was to help earn an income for my family as well as to use it as a creative outlet since its a joy and passion of mine. It was never supposed to be full time or take me away so much from my child. I think I need to reevaluate things.

My brother went from being admitted to the hospital with pneumonia, to moved to ICU for a week, to being intubated twice to help him breathe, to his kidneys stopping working to where they are now discussing putting him on dialysis. If Randy goes on dialysis and it doesnt work...then they are basically saying we need to prepare for the worst. 

My mom and dad need to make some hard decisions.

I am quite literally having to think about my big brother dying. 

That has always been a reality for us, with his special needs...but we never have dwelt on it long. The thought of him not being around wasn't okay with us, we refused to think that way if we could have him longer. 

Yesterday was such a hard day. 

This morning it seems his urine output is doing better and his blood pressure is up a little since they are weaning him off his sedation. If this continues, then as far as dialysis--it wont be necessary. However, since they intubated him again, more than likely they will put a trake in, and he will have that for the rest of his life. 

But see, even thinking like that is getting ahead of myself. We aren't allowed to think more than one day at a time, because everything could change quickly. 

Life is crazy. 

And I'm talking about feeling like I'm drowning in my head. 

...Maybe I'M crazy.  

Baby Juliana

Baby Julie was the cutest chunkiest little 6 month old to visit my studio recently! She wore a vintage inspired lace romper and hat...had gorgeous brown eyes that sparkled...rolls upon rolls upon ROLLS...and MADE us WORK for happy/content pictures. 

Ha! She was acting a teensy bit like a diva, but oh my. What a dollish diva she is! :)